Worst movies ever....

[Mallus]

And another thing...

...I'll never forgive the MST3K crew for choosing This Island Earth for their one and only feature film.

Granted, TIE is no Forbidden Planet [which for my money is one of the 5 greatest films of all time; both grandly pretentious --paging Prospero, err Dr. Morbius-- and wildy pulpy --Robbie the Robot and his internal hooch factory, the Id monster].

But This Island Earth is such a great example of roots-SF; with its noble, handsome scientist hero [who flies jet fighters for fun], wonderous gadgets [the Interociter --I still want one in my living room], bug-eyed monsters, essentially decorative female characters [hey, at least she was a fellow scientist], and anxious and conflicting message about the salvific power of technology].

Plus, the shot of Exeters lovely ovoid starship gliding to rest atop that luminescent green slanted stalk beneath the ruined surface of Metaluna is one of the most beautiful and effective shots in all visual SF, IMHO...

 

[Pants]

You managed to awaked another repressed memmory. This reminds me somewhat of Space Truckers with Dennis Hopper. Somewhere somehow someone thought that this was worth spending money on.

Ah, pain! I had forgotten about that one... Space Truckers was bad... It was even worse when the chick started commenting on the cyborg guy's 'love pole' *ehem*.
Although, watching George Wendt get sucked into space butt first was surprisingly funny.

bulletproof monk. the mind reels at the horrid script. who the hell thought that hot dog bun philosophy was cool?

Man, chow yun fat must have been hurting for cash...

I wouldn't call Bulletproof Monk the worst, but it ranks up there...

Here's how every scene goes in the movie...

Chow: You must do somering spirirual and you wir become better..
Stifler: Hah, I said something sarcastic that managed to be surprisingly funny. I am the only entertaining part in this movie. GIVE ME MONEY!
Chow: Get down, evir nazis are attacking us with a hericopter in the middleof the city!
*insert Matrix bullet effects here*

 

[Joshua Randall]

Well, admittedly, Julian Sands was in Warlock 2, so he's not an absolute guarantee

Hey man, don't be dissin' Warlock 2!!!

The one movie I cannot stand is Local Hero. I know this is supposed to be a great movie (IMDB gives it 7.6/10) but I just... don't... like it. So there.

In the category of so bad it's funny is Alienator. Everything about this movie is horribly, horribly sucky, yet it's amusing to watch. The best - oh my god, I am laughing as I type this - is at the end when Jan-Michael Vincent's character (he of the Airwolf TV show fame) gets into a light sabre duel with another guy. But the light sabre look like the Schwartz rings from Spaceballs. I mean... I can't do justice to this scene... it's so, so bad.

*wipes away tears of laughter*

 

[Kesh]

I have to agree with you on Sandra Bullock,I can't tell you why but I'll watch whatever romantic comedy she churns out.

I hate romcoms. And since that's 90% of what she stars in, I don't care for her that much.

 

[Kesh]

How's about King Solomon's Mines? The one with Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone. The movie felt like a rip-off of Indiana Jones. I remember a scene that looked like a direct rip-off, but I can't recall what it was.

Well, it's hard to call it a rip-off. Considering the lead character was Allan Quatermain. Yeah, same one that got used in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The book this movie is based on was written in 1885.

 

[Michael Morris]

I hate a great many movies, but few as badly as the Dungeons & Dragons movie. Mr. Cranky sums it in a most hilarious manner.


-----
In the review that ran in my local newspaper, Bob Thomas of the Associated Press describes Dungeons & Dragons as a board game. This sort of comment should give people pause in thinking of film critics as journalists, which is a word I consider an insult in the first place. Journalists are basically the scum who couldn't make it in the real writing classes. However, imagining that couchbound, donut-inhaling Bob couldn't even lift up his hand to spend all of five seconds to find out that D&D isn't a board game really brings new meaning to the words "lazy, fat, haven't seen my genitals without a handheld mirror in the last twenty years, bastard." You know, if you're going to belittle something, get your facts straight. As we all know, Dungeons & Dragons is played with life-size dolls by participants wearing adult diapers.

Apparently, the director of this film, Courtney Solomon, has spent the last ten years of his life trying to get this film made. Given the timelines of his little crusade, one wonders whether his next project, Pet Rock: The Movie will ever get off the ground. This movie contains writing so bad that it forces normal people to curse God for allowing human communication to even exist. The acting is so bad that one assumes that the actors were all separated from each other and forced to stand in front of a green screen and pretend there was stuff going on. This combination is the Hollywood equivalent of farting into an open flame -- it all seems kind of harmless until you realize the effect feels exactly like being sodomized by the Heat Miser.

Do actors even read scripts anymore? How did Jeremy Irons end up in this thing? He plays the evil Profion, who's trying to take over Empress Savina's (Thora Birch) kingdom by getting control of dragons. Almost every emotional scene Irons does is accompanied by putting both hands up in the air and waving them around for dramatic effect. Thora Birch is so bad that I actually felt glad for her having taken off her shirt in "American Beauty", else this would certainly spell the end of her career. She runs around cooing about making everybody in her kingdom equal and then, when she wins the fight in the end (big surprise), she pronounces everybody equal. "You're all equal," she says. For his part, Justin Whalin, who plays the hero-thief Ridley, uses the dramatic head turn to simulate despair as well as any porno actor who has ever walked the planet. When things get really bad for him, he drops to his knees and screams "Noooooo!" at the top of his lungs, as though he'd just discovered that somebody had taken a dump in his Chalupa.

Funny, that was exactly the same reaction I had when I heard this movie was coming out.

---
More reviews like this are at www.mrcranky.com. BTW, the language gets far worse than this particular review - You've been warned.

 

[Brown Jenkin]

If you make a movie and nobody watches can it be the worst ever? I haven't seen it and aparently nobody else did either but I keep hearing that Gigli is now the worst movie ever made. Even Tom Green made jokes about it complaining that his Freddy Got Fingered no longer had the title of worst ever.

 

[barsoomcore]

Mr Cranky rules. I would not argue with a word of that review -- except that he inexplicably fails to mention the girl playing the elf ranger, who not only manages to stand out as a bad actor in the midst of this film, but is handicapped by a costume so idiotic that I spent the latter half of the film yelling, "What the %&$! are you wearing?" at the screen and giggling madly.

I repeat again: I love the D&D movie because it was so clearly made by somebody who played in campaigns just like the ones I used to play in. If I'd made a D&D movie twenty years ago, it would have turned out very much like this one. It just warms my heart every time I think about it.

But, seriously, Some Like It Hot?

Marilyn Monroe: "I used to sell kisses for the Milk Fund."
Tony Curtis: "Write a check to the Milk Fund."

Possibly the funniest movie ever made.

And yes, I consider PotC one of the worst. Unfunny, with stars of such low wattage and minimal talent that they make my nerves grate, a story that makes NO sense whatsoever, clunky, heavy-handed direction that manages to make Johnny Depp and Jeffrey Rush flat and lifeless -- that was a seriously BAD film.

Okay, biggest film of the year, biggest DVD launch of all time, clearly my tastes do not very well accord with those of the masses... I'll live with that.

 

[Hypersmurf]

And yes, I consider PotC one of the worst. Unfunny, with stars of such low wattage and minimal talent that they make my nerves grate, a story that makes NO sense whatsoever, clunky, heavy-handed direction that manages to make Johnny Depp and Jeffrey Rush flat and lifeless -- that was a seriously BAD film.

I walked out of that movie thinking "Johnny Depp is God."

Bizarre

-Hyp.

 

[barsoomcore]

Note that I certainly don't consider PotC a candidate for Worst Film Ever. It was bad, but it wasn't legendarily bad. Worst Film Ever is too grandiose a title for something so contrived and bland.