Worst Puns you ever did.

[The Grumpy Celt]

I tell ya, fightun' ah Red Red Wyrm takes a long while, yes sir it does. Why, some times it just seems to dragon for a long time. Ah must say, it does help if ya got a wizards who stays for a spell.

 

[Richards]

After a battle with an enemy wizard, the PCs were dividing up the loot he was carrying. When they got to his bad of tricks (the magical bag that you can reach into and pull out full-grown animals), two of the PCs wanted it for themselves, but I informed them that they'd have to donate it to the local orphanage instead. When they asked why, I replied "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!"

Johnathan

 

[Hypersmurf]

There are some gray areas in the laws concerning hunters' rights. The boys in blue are more likely to give your boat's pilot a ticket for breaching the speed limit.

Oh, sperm-e! Do you have to beluga the point? And besides, we shouldn't ma-krill-y bad puns until Rel gets here. If euphausiid-oing much more of this, warn me now... orca-n I just assume you're finished?

-Hyp.

 

[der_kluge]

Consider this thread bookmarked. I can use all of these for my current character.

Here's the last story my character told.

"Ah yes", Sar says, stroking his chin.

"My friend Ignatio. He is a gnome like me, you see. Very smart chap. Collected lots of weird things, but his passion - the absolute reason he woke up every morning was math. He loved his math. Fractions, long division - the whole nine yards. Anyway, it was a day not unlike today that I'd paid him a visit. He was going on about some formula he'd developed. Said it was going to solve Fermat's second to last theorem, whatever that was. And he wanted to show what he had done to a mutual friend of ours - another mathematician, and a professor of the local university. It seems he needed another math genius to double-check his work. I guess math is like that. Anyway, so he left me to watch his stuff while he went down the street."

Sar adjusts his spectacles and continues, "Ignatio liked to collect weird things. One of the most curious was a small sample of a creature - an amoeba-like thing called a black pudding. He said he'd found it growing in his outhouse. It was a curious thing. It was this lump of black mass that would just sort of crawl around like a slug. It was small though, terribly small, so it was mostly harmless. He kept it in a big glass jar on his desk. Well, I was underneath his desk looking for Ignatio's stash of erotica, when I managed to bump it, and the jar tipped over, and his pudding got free! Panicked, I rushed out and down the street where Ignatio was because I wasn't certain how I would be able to get it back in the jar. I tried, but picking the thing up was starting to dissolve the flesh on my hand, and that wasn't cool. So I ran down the street - he was only a block away or so, and rushed into the door. But Ignatio interrupted me and wanted me to go back to fetch a piece of paper that he had forgotten and left on his desk. I decided that I did not want to bother him about the pudding, so I ran back to his study to find the piece of paper he asked for. It was then that I made a terrible discovery! The pudding was eating the paper on his desk. Confused, and terrified of what Ignatio was going to do to me, I ran back down the street, and opened the door. Seeing that I had no papers in my hand, Ignatio yelled out - "Sar, where is my proof? I need the proof!" To which I responded "The proof is in the pudding!""

The first one ended with the punchline "Let those without fins ask the thirsty gnome."

 

[Mark CMG]

When we first were gaming back in the 1970s, and setting up dungeons was a little less balanced, our first level characters ran into a beholder. Our DM, knowing that we would never survive the encounter, allowed us a pass when someone flattered the floating eye-pile by mentioning where beauty lies.

 

[bairdec]

One time I was making a mid-level character for a new campaign, and decided on a ranger- rogue multiclass. Except I wrote on the paper rouge ranger.

When I finally painted a miniature for the character, he had a red cloak.

 

[Christian]

I felt kind of bad adding insult to hit-point damage--but this opportunity was too good to pass up:

I was DMing the final round of the 1E AD&D Black Rose II RPGA tournament module at Gen Con XXI. In the 2nd round, a magical shortsword had been found as apparently incidental treasure, which had been included in the equipment of Balkin the gnome for the last round, as he was the only shortsword wielder in the list of pregenerated PCs. It was also the source of a subplot, as the blade was a holy item of an evil cult, who sent an assassin to kill the gnome and recover the item ...

The assassin's plan was to infiltrate the party as a victim of the evil bad guys they were chasing. To add verisimilitude, he was found apparently beaten and robbed, but begging to be allowed to join the party and loaned a weapon to try to revenge himself on their mutual enemy. (This only works on characters who never tried to solve the sinister secret of Saltmarsh.)

Balkin: "Hey, didn't I just find this magic shortsword last session?"

Me: "Um, yes ..."

Balkin: "Well, do I still have my old shortsword?"

I guess Balkin never played that module.

So Balkin arms his murderer, and the party wends its way towards the adventure's climax, a battle with a dragon. As they arrive, they form up their battle lines and make their move!

Balkin: "I charge at the dragon and slice at it with my sword!"

DM: "The man you rescued charges right behind you!"

Balkin: "I roll terribly and miss. "

DM: "The man stabs you in the back! You take 24 points of damage."

I turned to the next PC at the table to adjudicate his action, but Balkin's player interrupts. "Wait, he stabs me in the back?"

I respond, "Yes," and again turn to the next player.

Balkin's player, eyes goggling: "With my sword!?"

Without missing a beat, I turn back, and calmly inform him:

"That's right. It's ironic. And very sharp."

Twenty years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

 

[Evilhalfling]

B-Quest

It was just horrible.
The party was left a treasure map, in a dead uncles legacy - thus began the B-Quest
working from the old Monstrous Compendium binder the party found barracuda, bears, bees beetles, Beholder (kin), a shield of Bulette scales, bugbears, a statue of a Basilisk, and a blink dog and a few others that have mercifully faded from memory.
The players were throwing things at me after the fifth encounter.

 

[Napftor]

One of my players and I regurlarly remind our group that "flurry of blows" has nothing whatsoever to do with prostitutes.

 

[Ravellion]

Character name: Ovoz
Class:Wizard

"this is our fighter, Gandar, and this is our wizard, Ovoz... wait a minute!"