Yet Another Lonely-Gamer Thread UPDATE 7-8!!!!

[LostSoul]

Any and all suggestions are welcomed.

Well, if it were me, I'd stop calling her completely. If she wants to spend time with you, she can call. (And if she complains, just tell her that. "Why didn't you call?" "Why didn't you call?")

And I'd be busy when she wants to do something. Maybe something like, "Oh, I can't, I'm doing something; let me call you next [whatever day] when I'm free." And then I'd forget to call.

She might just give up on you, but that's okay, because then you know she doesn't really care anyway.

And if she does call, I'd say, "Yeah, okay, let's go out for drinks." And then hit on her. And if she turns you down, say, "Well, I gotta get up early, so I'll see you."

 

[Mycanid]

Sigh ... I'm so bad at this sort of thing.

But all that aside, my gut level response says to let her alone. Don't be nasty or rude or whatnot, just disengage yourself (easy to say, eh?) and move on.

Somehow I don't think this may be the simple solution, though. I was told by someone that the most effective way to seperate oneself from something you are interested in is to "replace" it with something that has a more powerful hold on you. And this need not necessarily need be another woman.

I can say one thing, though. Usually women think waayyyy different than men in these matters - and it often just doesn't make "sense" to the one why the other is so "illogical" or just doesn't "get the point".

This is why it is very helpful to "attach" yourself to other (presumably healthy) things (note the plural!) that will gain the ascendence in your inner priorities and help balance things out if and/or when a similiar "rush" occurs again, either with the lady you are speaking of in the post or even with someone else later on. This is an excellent way to get "perspective" on things.

Of course, articulation of the issues and inner states one is going through, and talking with others is also a helpful way to get perspective too, so I am glad you are at least writing to us all in here.

Apologies if I have stepped on your toes or just wasted your time telling you things you already know. Like I said, I'll rotten at this sort of thing....

 

[billd91]

The question I have is: Do you like hanging out with this person? If so, and she never returns the affection, then get used to feelings of unrequited love until the wounds scab over.

My advice is to not throw away a friendship just because she doesn't see you "that way". As a lover. That's throwing the baby out with the bathwater, as I see it.

As far as the "friends with benefits" thing goes, don't read too much into it. She might be just tossing that out as a defense mechanism to avoid being burned. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants that level of emotional detatchment and really wants to simply use you. It might just mean that's the poker face she'll put up until she feels ready to take the emotional plunge. And then again, it might also just mean friends with benefits.

I wouldn't recommend moving in with her, though. That could be pure torture and then you're stuck in a lease together. Sort things out first.

 

[Remathilis]

My sympathies with you pal.

 

[Harmon]

Three thoughts come to mind-

1- Inform her that you need to take a month or six off from her company because your feelings for her are just to strong and you think it might help you to get your life moving away from the two of you being an item. This will also give her a chance to find someone and thus make her less available in your mind’s eye.

Chances are this might be good for the two of you- or rather for her to get any thoughts of you she has cleared up (though they sound very clear to me- you two ante happening).

2- “I love you, I know you said that there is no us. I cannot hang with you thinking as I do. We need to end this relationship, here and now for my sanity and for your peace of mind.”

Kinda tough love- well not really, but getting away from her will clear up your chances of moving on.

3- “Answer me this- is there ever a chance that we might be an item?”

The answer will more likes be “no,” and with that you say- “okay.”

After which you resume your relationship as friends. A year later to the day if you feel the same then ask the same question- same reply then say the same thing- “okay.” Never allow a kiss, or anything that might lead you astray, as the two of you are just friends. Should she want to get something going in the middle of that year- “I thought you said no?”

Chances are you will never be with her, though I would not mind being wrong (it’s a fault of mine).

Wish you both the best, a long life, and all that- good luck.

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

Three thoughts come to mind-

1- Inform her that you need to take a month or six off from her company because your feelings for her are just to strong and you think it might help you to get your life moving away from the two of you being an item. This will also give her a chance to find someone and thus make her less available in your mind’s eye.

Chances are this might be good for the two of you- or rather for her to get any thoughts of you she has cleared up (though they sound very clear to me- you two ante happening).

We still have some "summer plans" which while I could break them, I'd rather not at the moment. Not because of her, but because they are really the ONLY summer plans I have (well, that and a friend's wedding to attend). However, There is a long pause in July were she is out of town and I have other plans (such as the aformentioned wedding) so there will be some time to not see each other. Perhaps as the fall begins, things can become "busier" and we can take some time off.

2- “I love you, I know you said that there is no us. I cannot hang with you thinking as I do. We need to end this relationship, here and now for my sanity and for your peace of mind.”

Kinda tough love- well not really, but getting away from her will clear up your chances of moving on.

GACK! Not the "L" word! Well, maybe. In that scenario, I could see it. If/when it comes to this, I think that will have to be my ticket.

3- “Answer me this- is there ever a chance that we might be an item?”

The answer will more likes be “no,” and with that you say- “okay.”

After which you resume your relationship as friends. A year later to the day if you feel the same then ask the same question- same reply then say the same thing- “okay.” Never allow a kiss, or anything that might lead you astray, as the two of you are just friends. Should she want to get something going in the middle of that year- “I thought you said no?”

I kinda did this, but not as formally (and not without letting my emotions get in the way, see kiss, first). However, for a long time I tried to be the perfect plutonic friend, but I found I was hurting myself. So that lead to our first "conversation" on the topic, which I let my feelings be known. Since then, the topic manages to come up 1/2 dozen times (my short kill to the topic "What will be will be" and try to drop it. Never really works though. For either of us).

There were alot of "I thought you said no" moments recently (kiss, "bennes", etc) recently. I think I saw something there that wasn't so, I boldly made a move and met the same line of resistance.

Chances are you will never be with her, though I would not mind being wrong (it’s a fault of mine).

Wish you both the best, a long life, and all that- good luck.

I wouldn't mind either. However, I'm thinking there is a definite concenus here, both with all of you and with friends I am close to (though none of them know Kay that well). I think I know what I have to do, but I'm afraid to do it. I'm trying to balance my desire for companionship (and how much it hurts) with the loneliness of starting the hunt again.

 

[Umbran]

However, I'm thinking there is a definite concenus here, both with all of you and with friends I am close to (though none of them know Kay that well).

Consensus among others in this situation is meaningless. We are not you, nor her. Loving relationships are too personal to generalize. You have to do what your own heart tells you.

 

[Treebore]

I pretty much agree that this sounds like a no win situation if she doesn't like/love you in the same manner. Then again she just may not know herself well enough to know true love when it hits her. She may have an unrealistic idealized idea of what true lov is. So ask her what she thinks true love is, how she will know it when she shee's it. If she has a solid relaistic idea of everything, then you are just a friend. If she really doesn't have any solid idea, then she might actually love you and just not know it because she doesn't recognize it.

All I can say is the love of my life is my best friend, the one I prefer being around the most, and the one I trust the most. Fortunately she feels the same about me and we are working our way towards our 16th anniversary with no end in sight.

Sounds like she likes being around you a lot, if not the most, and trusts you more then most, or maybe anyone else. So maybe she does have feelings for you, but doesn't understand her feelings/emotions enough to understand their meaning.

So talk to her. Be honest. Let her know you think you love her and you want to explore the feelings you have for each other. If she can't talk to you about them, or she does and it becomes clear that you are the eternal "brother" to her, then move on emotionally to someone else. Just be tough enough to keep being her friend for as long as she deserves it.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Consensus among others in this situation is meaningless. We are not you, nor her. Loving relationships are too personal to generalize. You have to do what your own heart tells you.

Amen to that. You can ask for advice and get ideas, but in the end you shouldn't listen to us, you should listen to your own feelings.

Good luck.

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

Thanks again to everyone's responses.

By "concensus", I mean "a lot of people thinking what I already thought, but I was too afraid to vocalize. I'm not sure its the right way, nor am I sure thats what I'm going to do. Ah, too many emotions!

Treebore: I think you actually might be on to something. She has described her long list of romances in the past as "loveless" and "didn't want me in the same position". Her two longest boyfriends were desperation acts or time-fillers, and the last person she saw was for purely carnal purposes. Since then, she's wanted to "get away from that" and focus on getting her life in order. However, despite all these "relationships" I think she's looking for that "ideal" person, with whom she will be perfectly compatible.

I'm getting the impression I might be one of those time-fillers, but without the emotional attachment. Like her last "boyfriends" I might be someone she can go and do stuff with, but unlike them, she's trying to leave no illusion "we" are anything (and in her mind, letting me down as gently as possible by dispelling any real expectation). Problem is, it failed. I DID get attached, perhaps because I worked so hard to "crack" that armor. Things mean more when you work for them, and a sweet (or maybe not-so-sweet) kiss goodnight was a prize I'd fought for so long, I might have over-read it.

The wild card is: does she really think I'm just a friend/brother/timefiller deep down, or am I something else she won't admit, an inconvienent truth (btw: great film) because I don't fit her vision of the future perfectly. (Side note: she wants to move out of state, she hates the winter). And even so, at this point SHOULD I care?

In the end, I do though. So I know if I want this friendship to work, I need to look at things differently. It will be a long road yet.

Thanks for letting me vent this.