Yet Another Lonely-Gamer Thread UPDATE 7-8!!!!

[Wulf Ratbane]

Obviously I don't know any more than what you have posted, but from observing a good friend go through something frighteningly similar, the "friends with benefits" thing bothers me a lot. Sounds like she wants everything good about a relationship, companionship, physical satisfaction etc. without having to commit herself to anything. That way, if something goes wrong she can just tell herself, "no big deal."

Umm, short of marriage, how is this different from any other relationship?

Take what is being offered, enjoy it, and if it doesn't work out, take it like a man for pete's sake.

Now for the insulting part you were warned about: If there's one thing we know, it's that women are attracted to men who are emotionally vulnerable and force the woman up on a pedestal. Yep, that's the recipe for success, right there.

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

Umm, short of marriage, how is this different from any other relationship?

Take what is being offered, enjoy it, and if it doesn't work out, take it like a man for pete's sake.

Now for the insulting part you were warned about: If there's one thing we know, it's that women are attracted to men who are emotionally vulnerable and force the woman up on a pedestal. Yep, that's the recipe for success, right there.

Ouch. Tough love there Wulf.

Probably more truth in that than most people would want.

And as for "how is that different?" I think the difference comes in input/output. She give minimal, gets maximum. I give maximum, get minimum. Perhaps its all in that illusion of "stability", that I mean SOMETHING more than a good time.

That said, this HAS come at a emotionally vunerable period of my life, for many reasons. Its almost a metaphor for what my whole life is: good on the surface, but teetering dangerously on the edge. I'm looking for something stable in my life: I've not found it my family, my job, my place of residence, my love life. Just the love-life one hurts the worst, because it involves factors beyond my control. However, maybe if I get some of my other affairs in order, this one will sort itself out too.

Wow, I never knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.

If nothing else comes of this (and I'm not sure of that), I've realized two things: 1.) Nom de plumes are GREAT ways to sort things out, and 2.) I should look at what I HAVE, not what I want.

Perhaps this friendship will deepen. Perhaps it won't. I didn't die in the process, and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Thank you all for helping me sort this out: This is why I love you guys (and gals) at ENworld, not only are you damn fine gamers, you're damn fine people (even you Wulf! )

 

[freebfrost]

Some information about "love."

Read that, and also remember that men tend to fall first...

Now for the advice:

• Be patient.
• Enjoy what you currently have.
• Don't worry about the future.
• Report back in 6 months.

 

[LostSoul]

Umm, short of marriage, how is this different from any other relationship?

Take what is being offered, enjoy it, and if it doesn't work out, take it like a man for pete's sake.

Now for the insulting part you were warned about: If there's one thing we know, it's that women are attracted to men who are emotionally vulnerable and force the woman up on a pedestal. Yep, that's the recipe for success, right there.

Wulf deserves the Teflon Billy award.

 

[Wulf Ratbane]

Wulf deserves the Teflon Billy award.

I've seen TB chime in on a couple of these threads and I am a distant substitute.

But, I mean, seriously. I don't want to put Thornir's words in the Soul's mouth, but just look:

Sounds like she wants everything good about a relationship, companionship, physical satisfaction etc. without having to commit herself to anything.

So we have the woman displaying typically male behavior and the male displaying typically female behavior.

That's just not going to work.

Who knows? Maybe she wants it to work and she's trying to show the way.

You can complain about it all you want; and women can insist to the contrary that they really want emotionally vulnerable, sensitive guys. But that just isn't the way it works in real life. Women want their men to act like men, and when the man doesn't act like a man, the relationship-- should a real relationship ever start-- gets all out of whack. It's a recipe for chaos and discord.

If U.S. is going to have any chance of this relationship going anywhere, he is going to have to grow some emotional indifference and detachment and convince this woman to pursue him.

 

[Arravis]

Personally, I don't think it sounds that doom and gloom. Based on what you've said (look at what's happened closely, and make sure it's happening, not just something you're wanting to happen) it sounds like she might be considering the notion of a relationship. The kissing and other things might be signs of her experimenting with less platonic feelings about you. Is she making a good bit of physical contact? Reaching out to touch you while she's talking to you? Is there any grooming behavior, pushing her hair back, etc? These may all be signs of her attempting to get your attention romantically and to move the relationship forward. Her protests in the opposite direction may simply be her own fears about having surch a relationship. Or perhaps not.

I'd give yourself a timeline, devote 3 months (or whatever) to attempting to kindle something between you and her. If it doesn't work in that given time, move on. Let her know it's too difficult and you need some time away. Put the friendship on hold until you're ready to just have a friendship with her and nothing more. If at the end of that time you still feel the same way, let her know and close the friendship.

Of course... I probably wouldn't follow any of the above advise myself, lol. I'd just tell her clearly how I feel, probably show her this thread, and lay my cards on the table. I don't like to waste time, I have too much going on. Perhaps if you're brutally honest about your feelings, the both of you together can work out a strategy on how to handle this.

P.S.: Don't be afraid to "risk the friendship". You don't have friendship feelings towards her anyway, so it's not really a "friendship".

 

[Treebore]

Ouch. Tough love there Wulf.

Probably more truth in that than most people would want.

And as for "how is that different?" I think the difference comes in input/output. She give minimal, gets maximum. I give maximum, get minimum. Perhaps its all in that illusion of "stability", that I mean SOMETHING more than a good time.

That said, this HAS come at a emotionally vunerable period of my life, for many reasons. Its almost a metaphor for what my whole life is: good on the surface, but teetering dangerously on the edge. I'm looking for something stable in my life: I've not found it my family, my job, my place of residence, my love life. Just the love-life one hurts the worst, because it involves factors beyond my control. However, maybe if I get some of my other affairs in order, this one will sort itself out too.

Wow, I never knew how deep this rabbit hole goes.

If nothing else comes of this (and I'm not sure of that), I've realized two things: 1.) Nom de plumes are GREAT ways to sort things out, and 2.) I should look at what I HAVE, not what I want.

Perhaps this friendship will deepen. Perhaps it won't. I didn't die in the process, and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Thank you all for helping me sort this out: This is why I love you guys (and gals) at ENworld, not only are you damn fine gamers, you're damn fine people (even you Wulf! )

I can tell you how to make your life stable, and I know it works. Stabilize yourself first, then build upon that. You have to be your own "rock of Gibraltor" because until you find the one "meant for you" your the only one you can rely on. Once you get comfortable with being reliant on yourself then you can know what to look for in others. It is all part of your "personal growth". Most people never learn to rely on themselves. They always need someone else to validate them. Many never even realize how they don't like doing anything until someone else tells them it is OK, its a good idea.

So learn to rely on yourself. Trust your own judgement. Understand your going to make mistakes, but that your going to learn from them and handle things better the next time. You'll never be perfect, but you'll get a lot closer than you think you can.

 

[Harmon]

GACK! Not the "L" word! Well, maybe. In that scenario, I could see it. If/when it comes to this, I think that will have to be my ticket.

Sorry, my misunderstanding, I thought we were talking abot that "L" word, when it turns out it was the other "L" word. Copy that.

Get your feelings out then. Hell get a "girlfriend" that looks like her and take care of those feelings with her, that might feel your needs.

If my understanding is inccorect, please excuse my suggestions.

 

[Arravis]

Hell get a "girlfriend" that looks like her and take care of those feelings with her, that might feel your needs.

I would not recommend using other people that way. The internet is a wonderful place to take care of those feelings, or get a hooker, something. But I wouldn't do that. It's pretty harmful towards the person you're using, especially since it's unlikely you'll be honest with them on that issue.

 

[nerfherder]

You asked for it...

Cheers,
Liam