Yet Another Lonely-Gamer Thread UPDATE 7-8!!!!

[Dark Jezter]

I'm going to repeat a line that Teflon Billy posted on this very subject a couple of years ago:

A friendship where one "friend" has unrequited romantic designs on the other is not a friendship; it's a recipe for disaster.

Unknown Soul, if you've let this woman know that you have romantic feelings for her and she's given you the "let's just be friends" bit, then you need to distance yourself from her and try to find someone else. This is gonna sound harsh, but when a woman tells a man that she likes him as a friend, she's telling him one of two things:

"I like using you as somebody I can complain about my problems to, but I would never consider sleeping with you"

or

"I'll keep you around as somebody I can settle for in case I can't find somebody better."

Women seem to have a type of mental barrier between "friend" and "boyfriend", and it's very difficult for a guy to make the transition from friend to boyfriend. So get out there, date other women, and enjoy yourself instead of pining over Kay. If you and Kay are meant to be together, then it's up to her to make the next move; you've already done everything you can.

 

[devilbat]

I'll get this out before TB comes in here and gives exactly the right advice.

Unfortunately, the OP has take on the role of best girlfriend with this young yummie. Sounds to me like you're walking a fine line between "almost boyfriend" and "valuable friend she'd never risk losing to a fumbled relationship".

My advice? You've kissed the proverbial ass enough. I don't believe that most women want the sensitive man 100% of the time. Tell her one last time how you feel, and what you want, then avoid discussions about your feelings. That stuff gets old quick, and is generally more of a turn off, then a turn on. Stop being her shoulder to cry on, and create a little distance between the two of you. Perhaps then, she'll realize what she's missing out on, and how important you are to her.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Ahh, the Teflon Billy signal I never tire of that sight

Anyway, first thing is first.... PLATONIC.

Plutonic means "Of deep igneous or magmatic origin" so unless you are hoping for a relationship with her that in some indefinable manner has the qualities of basalt stone, I suspect you are talking about a Platonic relationship

OK, enough semantic noodling and down to business.

Here is the breakdown as I see it from reading this thread...

• You guys are contempalting moving in together for financial reasons
  
  
• She would like to have sex with you, but keep her options open for a "real boyfriend" (it has, by your own admission "been discussed in that exact term: friend with benefits")
  
  
• Wait--hold the phone--she doesn't actually want that (You mention "she has described her long list of romances in the past as "loveless" and "didn't want me in the same position")
  
  
• You are seeking stability in your life (you mention that you're "looking for something stable in my life: I've not found it my family, my job, my place of residence, my love life. Just the love-life one hurts the worst, because it involves factors beyond my control")
  
  
• But wait, hold the phone again! She's not a stabilizing factor for you (You say "I don't think I could look at her day-in, day out without dying. And IF she started dating someone, I couldn't be in the same county as her and whoever")

What I'm seeing here is a lot of contradiction from both of you. You can't control her contradictory tendencies...but you can control yours.

Here's the hard news Bud, and you might want to write it down: You aren't going to get everything you want. Most people i meet in a week seem to think they are entitled to perfection in their lives and it just doesn't happen.

So here is the question you need to answer. And by answer I don't mean "post your answer here at EN World"...I mean have an answer clear in your head to use as a compass point.

Do I want to pursue a relationship with this girl, even if it could destroy me if I fail?

Here is the good news: if your answer is "Yes", moving in with her and beginning to have sex isn't a bad idea

• You and she already do all the regular "couple" stuff.
• She has said that she wants to move away from a "Just Sex" model fo a relationship
• She has simultaneously expressed an interest in having sex with you.
• You already know each other well

From looking at these facts, she might be sizing you up for something more permanent, but just wants to leave herself some "wiggle room" if it turns out you two don't work.

Now the bad news: That might not be the case

• She has offered a "friends With benefits" arrangement.
• She has said that she wants to move in with you for largely financial reasons.
• You are her "Good Friend".
• You have placed her on a pedestal

Wulf makes a point that every single guy in creation should remember...

You can complain about it all you want; and women can insist to the contrary that they really want emotionally vulnerable, sensitive guys. But that just isn't the way it works in real life. Women want their men to act like men, and when the man doesn't act like a man, the relationship-- should a real relationship ever start-- gets all out of whack. It's a recipe for chaos and discord.

So true. So 100%, Grade A, "write-it-in-ink" true.

I usually give a bunch of advice about how to reliably land women, but I'm not going to do that just yet man, because you don't need it.

She will have sex with you. She has said as much.

You need to decide if you want that.

If you do, then go have sex with her. Bone her senseless.

Live with her, decide if she is actually the "girl for you" (living with someone will really clarify that for you...a lot of illusions get stripped away pretty quick).

But I can't stress enough: If you go ahead and do this, you need to become more assertive, more callous and more stereotypically "masculine" or she is going to find someone else.

...and she will have told you ahead of time it was going to happen.

So think on it.

 

[devilbat]

I'll get this out before TB comes in here and gives exactly the right advice.

Told ya.

 

[Teflon Billy]

A friendship where one "friend" has unrequited romantic designs on the other is not a friendship; it's a recipe for disaster.

I said that?

Damn, that's good!

if you've let this woman know that you have romantic feelings for her and she's given you the "let's just be friends" bit, then you need to distance yourself from her and try to find someone else. This is gonna sound harsh, but when a woman tells a man that she likes him as a friend, she's telling him one of two things:

"I like using you as somebody I can complain about my problems to, but I would never consider sleeping with you"

or

"I'll keep you around as somebody I can settle for in case I can't find somebody better."

Yup...she has basically told him #2 already, but she also gave hints that she might not be the most "consistent" person in the world as she has said other things that might mean omething "more".

Any other day of the week I'd bet a hundred bucks that you had it sussed out correctly. This time, all of the infor coming from her is contradictory...so all wea re left with is the Unknown Soul's ability to change how the relationship runs.

That or just scrap the whole thing as "too much effort" (which is likley wehat I'd do...but who wants "RUN..DON'T WALK as advice )

Women seem to have a type of mental barrier between "friend" and "boyfriend", and it's very difficult for a guy to make the transition from friend to boyfriend. So get out there, date other women, and enjoy yourself instead of pining over Kay. If you and Kay are meant to be together, then it's up to her to make the next move; you've already done everything you can.

Solid. But he needs to make a bunch of decisions himself, or he is setting himself up for getting "Cheated On", then told he had "Been Warned".

So I think in this instance, he needs to take the reins. It's never a good idea to put someone else in the drivers seat of your life.

 

[Teflon Billy]

My advice? You've kissed the proverbial ass enough. I don't believe that most women want the sensitive man 100% of the time. Tell her one last time how you feel, and what you want, then avoid discussions about your feelings. That stuff gets old quick, and is generally more of a turn off, then a turn on. Stop being her shoulder to cry on, and create a little distance between the two of you. Perhaps then, she'll realize what she's missing out on, and how important you are to her.

There is some good advice there.

 

[Dark Jezter]

IYup...she has basically told him #2 already, but she also gave hints that she might not be the most "consistent" person in the world as she has said other things that might mean omething "more".

Any other day of the week I'd bet a hundred bucks that you had it sussed out correctly. This time, all of the infor coming from her is contradictory...so all wea re left with is the Unknown Soul's ability to change how the relationship runs.

That or just scrap the whole thing as "too much effort" (which is likley wehat I'd do...but who wants "RUN..DON'T WALK as advice )


Solid. But he needs to make a bunch of decisions himself, or he is setting himself up for getting "Cheated On", then told he had "Been Warned".

So I think in this instance, he needs to take the reins. It's never a good idea to put someone else in the drivers seat of your life.

Yeah, you're right. He definately shouldn't be putting his life under the control of somebody who is apparantly very wishy-washy and inconsistant. I hope I didn't come across as suggesting that, which I why I told him to date other women instead of pining over Kay (although I can definately see how my post might sound like I was telling him to wait with baited breath for Kay to come around). The possibility of sex also makes this more complicated than the typical "girl just wants to be friends but the guy wants more" scenario you so often hear about in these type of threads.

So I'm just gonna echo what you and Devilbat have been saying: Unknown Soul, you need to step up and be a man. Women always talk about wanting a nice, sensitive guy with a sense of humor, but have you ever noticed that those so-called "nice guys" almost always end up in the platonic friends boat? Play to your masculine personality strengths. Be assertive, be confident, and project an image of strength and stability rather than insecurity and emotional vulnerability.

 

[WhimsyTheFae]

Hey, what are the odds of getting Morrus to create a "Dear TB" forum started here?

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

That is alot to chew over.

I think the lesson to take from this is: be a man.

Either it happens or it doesn't, but be a man about it.

Accept it for what it is.

Try to see other people, but don't block her out of my life completely.

Don't get closer unless you're willing to get burnt if it fails.

....

I'm supposed to see her next week. Day trip to Cedar Point. We'll see what happens then. I'm keeping all of this in mind for then. My main goal is to make it through the day without mentioning anything related to the topic. We'll see how well that works.

I'll try to keep you all updated.

 

[Teflon Billy]

I think the lesson to take from this is: be a man.

Either it happens or it doesn't, but be a man about it.

I think that--seperate from this issue entirely--is a good way to live life

Or to quote Trailer Park Boys (and apologies to Eric Grandma)...

[bq]Sometimes she goes, and sometimes she doesn't go...but; that's the way she ing goes boys...

That's the way she ing goes[/bq]

It probably sounds a litte more profound if you know Maritimers

I'm supposed to see her next week. Day trip to Cedar Point. We'll see what happens then. I'm keeping all of this in mind for then. My main goal is to make it through the day without mentioning anything related to the topic. We'll see how well that works.

Cool. Don't forget dislike something she likes. I don't know why exactly, but it will give her more of an impression of you as "your own man".

It doesn't matter what you pick...just something she likes; you don't like it. Talk her out of liking it if you can.

I'll try to keep you all updated.

Yeah, do that.