Mamacat's helpful hints for gaming with couples with or without kids

[roguerouge]

It hasn't been an issue so far. We've suffered through playing in a crowded youth center with ping-pong balls and the occational pool ball flying by and fifty people screaming in the background, in the all-too-frequent cellphone calls by another player's significant other, the occational pause to find the right music for the mood, to answer to door to get food and/or travel to get food, late players, people leaving early to elsewhere/to work/home, pets at other players homes wanting attention/to be fed/to be walked, and so on.

There are times when you can do in-depth immersive RP, and there are times when it is elusive. But that will happen regardless of whether or not children are part of the occation; players are quite capable of derailing a thrilling scene with 20 minutes of Monty Python quotes or bogging down on looking up a rule.

I don't look on other people's children as an impediment to my RP (and they have felt the same, at least those we play with) any more than I look upon the player who drank 3 two liter cokes in half an hour and has to go to the bathroom every 2 minutes, or has to check in with the spouse/SO/etc every so often, or gets easily distracted playing with their dice, or whatever.

Okay... since you brought it up again. In my experience:

The youth center setting for RPGs is not something that I'd be comfortable with. An audience, a noisy background, and lots of commotion tend to make losing oneself in the character and the adventure a tad difficult. I don't find this setting to be very typical.

The cell phone going off happens once a month at most in my sessions and the person quickly leaves the room to answer it and ends the conversation quickly in all but emergencies.

Nobody plays DJ. Either the disc spins on repeat or it doesn't play.

Food happens while you socialize before the game starts. The game starts after the meal finishes. Snacks are handled with a minimum of disruption.

Players who are going to be late call, so that the DM can minimize the disruption. Players don't leave early unless there's something that the others need to be privately role played.

20 minutes of Monty Python jokes are not acceptable. 1 minute would not be acceptable. Players do not continually break the game world to talk about Star Wars or to crack OoC puns, lest they get hit with rolled up newspapers.

Looking up rules happens, but the game moves on while you do so and the DM rules only after you've done your rules research quietly and respectfully.

All of this happens without drama and with good humor. I see no reason to regard such distractions as inevitable. Players can clearly choose to have a distraction-heavy experience if that's what they want, but it's not an argument that I'm going to find persuasive when it comes to kids being just one more distraction. My gaming groups strive to eliminate these kinds of distractions, so enjoying having babies at the game is a deliberate choice to embrace those distractions that they give us, not part of the din that accompanies every game.

 

[roguerouge]

The OP said "Hey, if you play with people who have kids, here are some ideas to keep in mind."

It seems that some of the posters aren't willing to meet halfway or compromise. ...

You can think of the rules or the comments of "Hey, I have kids and if you want me to play we have to find ways to deal with the situation" as ultimatiums if you prefer. It seems, however, those with children are attempting to find a way to make everyone happy, to play a game they like with their friends.

Go back and look at the OP's post. 11 of them are things that gamers without children should do. Just 1 is on the responsibility that the parents have towards the rest of the group. That may help explain why there are posters arguing that parents have some responsibilities to their friends too.

The posts seem to indicate that if there are kids involved then all bets are off: it will be bad roleplay and the kids will be running amok screaming and disrupting the game. Those folks posting that have children and/or players with children in their game have said that isn't the case and yet the same posts keep coming.

That's because those posters aren't taking the parents at their word in the face of their own experience of what gaming with children is like. Parents have several years of training to deal with and compartmentalize the particular distractions provided by kids. The childless gamers have built up no such resistances, so they likely feel it more.

I game in a group with a dog and two babies. I love my friends dearly and their kiddies and pets very much. But they'd be the first to admit that it does impact the game in a variety of ways big and small. We deal with it because we love each other and we love gaming even when it's distracted from by these factors.

But when posters claim that it's just like having too much Mountain Dew or cracking lame jokes? I'm sorry, but it comes across as a parent's rationalization to me.

 

[racoffin]

Okay... since you brought it up again. In my experience:

Stuff

All of this happens without drama and with good humor. I see no reason to regard such distractions as inevitable. Players can clearly choose to have a distraction-heavy experience if that's what they want, but it's not an argument that I'm going to find persuasive when it comes to kids being just one more distraction. My gaming groups strive to eliminate these kinds of distractions, so enjoying having babies at the game is a deliberate choice to embrace those distractions that they give us, not part of the din that accompanies every game.

Which is fine, but I would wager that it isn't the norm. Distractions happen to many games, whether you are playing in your bunks onboard a ship in the Navy or in the privacy of your own home.

The point is that you have chosen to run your game in a certain way, and that works for you. The gamers with children have put forth how they have chosen to run their game, and that seems to work for them. They don't view the children as a deal-breaking distraction, but a minor obstacle to overcome, or as a chance to interact with their kids another way. If others aren't willing to be part of that scene, well, there are lots of gamers and games out there. Everyone will find where they fit in.

 

[Afrodyte]

...certain kinds of gaming might be inevitably lost when kids are around (immersive role playing, in-character role playing, and mature-themed role playing).

I tend to prefer mature-themed RPing. I like playing with the full spectrum of human experience. This means I need to be able to deal honestly (not graphically) with language, sex, violence, racism, sexism, etc. With children present, this becomes decidedly more difficult.

 

[racoffin]

Go back and look at the OP's post. 11 of them are things that gamers without children should do. Just 1 is on the responsibility that the parents have towards the rest of the group. That may help explain why there are posters arguing that parents have some responsibilities to their friends too.

...

But when posters claim that it's just like having too much Mountain Dew or cracking lame jokes? I'm sorry, but it comes across as a parent's rationalization to me.

I agree, parents have a duty to their fellow players to minimize the impact the children have on the game, and I believe follow up posts by others have touched on that.

As far as parent's rationalization, that is a matter of perspective. To some people, the kids aren't a distraction for whatever reason, be it they have kids of their own, grew up with lots of siblings, are deaf, or just don't get bothered by that sort of thing. For others, the sound of a cellphone going off is like a dentists drill in their ear and blows the whole mood. It's all what you or your group can deal with.

 

[AtomicPope]

I actually very much enjoy playing with kids around the table. I think it's a nice way to let parents in without sticking them with the additional burden of babysitting, and, well, people are going to get distracted anyway IMO it's better to have a parent get distracted by redirecting a kid than that same player get distracted by replaying a scene from Monty Python.

That and it's nice to have kids around while we participate in a kid like activity. It's appropriate.

This.

It worries me that too many people are taking the game so serious that they cannot have children present. Even in really NC17 games I've run (WoD specifically) it's still good to have children around to remind me to "lighten the mood."

I don't want to thread jack but...

I come from a large and extended family so having half-a-dozen children around is not a big deal. I really think the other gamers are missing out by not having kids around. They "bug" the adults because they see us raptly gaming and they want in, rightfully so. On my Wednesday 3e game the DM's daughter (9) took over one of the characters until the player could arrive (she was having family issues with her son who is four). She had blast back-stabbing, tumbling, and shooting "bad guys." When she asked, "what is my job?" One of the players said, "you're a rogue." "What's that?" I said, "A rogue is a character that has to stay alive until Hanna (the player) shows up." We all had a good laugh

Side Note: We also noticed that she keeps asking when she can play D&D again. She has an xbox 360 and wants to play D&D. I think that's great. It's like a healthy alternative to cigarettes. Get 'em while they're young

 

[AtomicPope]

As far as parent's rationalization, that is a matter of perspective. To some people, the kids aren't a distraction for whatever reason, be it they have kids of their own, grew up with lots of siblings, are deaf, or just don't get bothered by that sort of thing. For others, the sound of a cellphone going off is like a dentists drill in their ear and blows the whole mood. It's all what you or your group can deal with.

I'm deaf to kids but not to parents. The only thing I can't handle is when the parents get stressed out. As a DM or Player that stresses me out and I have to tell them to "calm down, it's no big deal." Which saying it out loud is really for me anyway, but if it helps then the game is all the better for it.

#8 - Children rearing issues. Parents should be careful about airing their child rearing issues because many parents are frustrated and unwittingly request advice. Then when they discover the problem could be their chosen technique the hypersensitive parental response kicks in (I've seen this quite a bit). When lots of parents, with lots of kids are around and you ask for advice - be prepared to receive it.

#9 - Agree. I'm not going to tell someone they're a bad parent. If it comes to that I'll call CPS and report them. It's their job, not mine. Completely agree.

 

[Varianor Abroad]

But when posters claim that it's just like having too much Mountain Dew or cracking lame jokes? I'm sorry, but it comes across as a parent's rationalization to me.

I play in one game at a friend's house. His daughter comes by to visit as we settle in and get started. Then she goes away to bed. She's pretty well behaved for a five year old.

Once the game gets going, there are often these long (admittedly funny much of the time) digressions away from the action. To the point where the group has twice emailed afterwards about the problem of the distractions. These out of game chatterfests can last a good 10-20 minutes apiece. There are at least four per session, and on the bad nights 8-10. (The DM has actually cut out some encounters that I would have enjoyed so that we make some progress toward finishing. Fortunately, I'm enjoying the game.)

In contrast, if we are gaming at my house and there's an issue with one of my children, as a player I can just absent myself from the table. At someone else's house, that parent goes to look. If I am DMing, there have been two occasions where a major incident pulled me away from the table for a half an hour. The rest of the interruptions are far, far shorter.

I think on a time wasted basis, the chatterfests have spent more of my time that I'd like to get back. I've had kids for 11 years, and I've only been in the talkative group for a year.

 

[PrecociousApprentice]

I have a kid. She is an amazing child. Everyone loves her. No one ever complains when she is there.

I would neven bring her to a game. She is a major distraction. Gaming is impeded by her being there.

All children are a hassle. If you do not beleive that yours are, then you are not being objective, and I am sure that there is someone you know and value that thinks that your children can be a hassle sometimes. Trying to claim anything different is disingenuous.

There are benefits and drawbacks to having kids present, but to assume that other players don't mind, or that they might need this exposure is self centered. They don't need it, and most would rather not have it. It is a measure of your friendship that they tell you otherwise.

As for the list, I think that there should be a longer list of parental responsibilities that must be fulfilled before the current list has any meaning. To claim that other gamers have a responsibility to fulfill that list without outlining the rights that they have by doing so is almost draconian. Parents have the burden of raising their own children, not other people, and part of that is showing the children how to be responsible and respectful of other gamers.

I want to stress that this is not an anti-child post. It is a "make sure that you are really a grown-up" post. Children at the game table are fine. It is when adults act like children at the game table, and don't take responsibility for their own children, that I get upset. Being a parent means taking responsibility for the kids. Sometimes that means making hard choices, and sometimes that means disciplining the child. Make sure that you are fulfilling your own responsibilities before hefting them onto others.

 

[Relbanan]

Seems like it's pretty straightforward... if you (single, married, parent, non-parent, whatever) don't want to game with kids around, make sure that you're not joining a group where people want to have their kids around. Seems like it'd be pretty easy to state that up front.

If you choose to join a kid-friendly group, don't complain about the fact that kids are around... and the recommendations make a lot of sense. If your group isn't kid-friendly, don't let someone join who wants to bring their kid.

Why does it have to be one side or the other issuing ultimatums? There's room for both types of games... I'm not really seeing much of that anyway, from either side.