Help! Advice needed on how to game with my friend who is a jerk.

[scourger]

So the short question is how do I game with my friend who is a jerk?

More of the story is that my friend has a beautiful intensity for one specific game. He is really motivated to come play, has been at it for decades, and loves the game. But he also has a terrible intensity for the game that makes him only want to play it and play it only his way. Anything else is either wrong or an overt attempt to ruin his fun. I only recently realized that it's probably no accident that we haven't played that game in several years after he burned out the last referee. But one of the other referees in our group recently started a retro version that I missed at first due to personal & family issues. Now that the group is back to that game and I have returned, I realize that my friend is being a jerk to me; and I fear that he's doing it purposefully as a subterfuge to get me to leave the game again.

My dilemma is that I really enjoy gaming and I also have decades playing with some members of the group. If I persist and my friend continues acting out, it may come to an unpleasant confrontation. If I quit, I risk being out of my group indefinitely. It would be impossible for me to replace those friendships and difficult to find another game group. So, I feel that I'm doomed no matter what I do.

There's got to be some good advice out there, so please let me have it. Thanks.

 

[Rune]

Call him out on it. If you really believe he's doing it on purpose...well, you call him a friend, but that's not very friendly. If he's being a bully, you can either be bullied or stand up to him.

 

[delericho]

My advice for playing with a jerk is really simple: don't. Life's too short.

If you're concerned about not being invited back, be sure to speak to the other players (and DM) before you leave. Explain why you're leaving, ask them to let you know if/when they change systems and/or the jerk leaves, and part on good terms.

Or, you could always speak to your 'friend' about it. If he truly is your friend, then he'll promptly mend his ways as soon as he's made aware it's a problem for you.

 

[Umbran]

Call him out on it.

I'd suggest the slightly less confrontational, "Talk to him about it". This is a conversation between friends who we assume are mature adults having a problem, not a showdown at high noon.

If he doesn't respond well to a polite and friendly discussion about it, then you get into delericho's "Life is too short," territory.

 

[Zhaleskra]

I strongly disagree. A true friend will stay with you after you call them out. Any other reaction reveals that they are not a friend.

 

[Umbran]

I strongly disagree. A true friend will stay with you after you call them out. Any other reaction reveals that they are not a friend.

The Golden Rule applies, as always.

"A *true* friend allows you to abuse them and forgives you," is great if you've got some external stressor ("Okay, your Mom was just diagnosed with cancer, I forgive you being brusque with me,") but is not a trusty approach otherwise. Each time you act like a jerk to someone, you erode their goodwill towards you. There seems to be precious little good will between these people to start with - "calling out" isn't going to suddenly generate more.

Moreover, "calling out" is a pretty direct line to the ego or pride of the person in question. It is generally an ineffective conflict resolution technique - it may get the other guy to back down, but it generally fails to address the root cause of issues, so they continue and fester, with one more instance of jerkitude between you now to make it worse.

Really, being polite keeps you on the moral high ground here. Don't turn it into a testosterone-fueled confrontation.

 

[Janx]

Umbran is right.

Every social conflict problem has an aspect where you should consider "what could I have handled better" and "for my part, this is what negative I contributed" component.

Therefore, always endeavor to handle the situation diplomatically and politely, as you are reducing the negatives that you are adding to the situation.

If this was a work situation, imagine it as a review by HR of the problem between you and another employee. You want your side to look good, or HR could just as easily decide that both of you are problem employees for your lack of general etiquette and poor handling of the other.

It's also certainly true that raising the other guy's defenses isn't going to help get through. So "calling him out" will raise his hackles, and you'll have an extra barrier to solving the problem.

One of the old "I feel" statements is more likely to get the ball rolling. And the trick there is not the be acusatory, just descriptive of the situation. "When XYZ happens at the game, I feel ABC" is the basic framework. and the trick there is not to use negative, or judgemental words. So saying "When you act like a jerk, I feel hurt" is a lousy example. "When you steal from my character, I feel like you are stealing from me."

There's some folks who make money advising folks on how to do that conversation. It's complicated, but it at least keeps you on the side of trying to be on your best. I think even an honest, but clumsy attempt will be better than "calling him out."

 

[Rune]

I'd suggest the slightly less confrontational, "Talk to him about it". This is a conversation between friends who we assume are mature adults having a problem, not a showdown at high noon.

If he doesn't respond well to a polite and friendly discussion about it, then you get into delericho's "Life is too short," territory.

The Golden Rule applies, as always.

"A *true* friend allows you to abuse them and forgives you," is great if you've got some external stressor ("Okay, your Mom was just diagnosed with cancer, I forgive you being brusque with me,") but is not a trusty approach otherwise. Each time you act like a jerk to someone, you erode their goodwill towards you. There seems to be precious little good will between these people to start with - "calling out" isn't going to suddenly generate more.

Moreover, "calling out" is a pretty direct line to the ego or pride of the person in question. It is generally an ineffective conflict resolution technique - it may get the other guy to back down, but it generally fails to address the root cause of issues, so they continue and fester, with one more instance of jerkitude between you now to make it worse.

Really, being polite keeps you on the moral high ground here. Don't turn it into a testosterone-fueled confrontation.

I don't think it's impossible to politely call someone out on "jerkitude," but if, as the OP indicates, the behavior is intentional, some confrontation will be required to make the behavior stop. Now maybe what you mean by "Talk[ing] to him about it" is what I mean by politely calling him on it, but I do think it will probably be necessary to say something along the lines of, "Dude, you're being a jerk and it seems like you're doing it on purpose." And then to proceed from there. A great follow-up question would be "Why?"

 

[Janx]

I don't think it's impossible to politely call someone out on "jerkitude," but if, as the OP indicates, the behavior is intentional, some confrontation will be required to make the behavior stop. Now maybe what you mean by "Talk[ing] to him about it" is what I mean by politely calling him on it, but I do think it will probably be necessary to say something along the lines of, "Dude, you're being a jerk and it seems like you're doing it on purpose." And then to proceed from there. A great follow-up question would be "Why?"

I disagree, having sat through business communications classes about dealing with such issues. To quote myself from right about your post:
"One of the old "I feel" statements is more likely to get the ball rolling. And the trick there is not the be acusatory, just descriptive of the situation. "When XYZ happens at the game, I feel ABC" is the basic framework. and the trick there is not to use negative, or judgemental words. So saying "When you act like a jerk, I feel hurt" is a lousy example. "When you steal from my character, I feel like you are stealing from me."

There's some folks who make money advising folks on how to do that conversation. It's complicated, but it at least keeps you on the side of trying to be on your best. I think even an honest, but clumsy attempt will be better than "calling him out."

 

[Zhaleskra]

I've had people (well, a woman I had a crush on) not get "I feel" statements. Yes, they'll be upset for a while, but a true friend will get over it and not continue being a dick.