Doesn't like bards 'cos wanna be one!
Oh yes you do![]()
You know what, Clearstream, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other people, here, on the Ennie World.
Oh, don't go get me wrong. They're fine people, they're
Good D&D players. But they're content to sit back, maybe
Watch a little Critical Role on the YouTube, maybe kick
Back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They're good, fine people,
Clearstream. But they don't know ... what the bards are doing
To the soil!
You know that @TwoSix kid, the kid that with the gnome avatar
In the forum. He's a strange one. Some of the commenters
Say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it.
Anyway, for his eighteenth anniversary on Ennie World, all he wanted was an Owlbear.
Kept bugging his friends. "Guys, get me an owlbear. I'll never
Ask for anything else as long as I live." So his friends
Break down and get Twosix an owlbear.
Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go on ennie world, and there's
The Twosix kid, asking about trees. I say, "Why are you asking about trees?
What are you looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my owlbear."
I say, "Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
The. Owlbear. Lives. In a dungeon. In the ground. Why the hell do you
Think they call it an owlbear, anyway?" Now Clearstream, do you
Think a kid like Twosix is going to know what the bards are
Doing to the soil?
I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer
My good friend, Chad, died. You know that carnival comes into
Town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride
Called The Mixer. The man said, "Keep your head, and arms, inside
The Mixer at all times." But Chad, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just
Like his favorite blind superhero. He was leaning out saying "Hey everybody,
Look at me! Look at me!" Pow! He was decapitated! They found
Chad's head over by the snow cone concession.
A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there's a pamphlet
In there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it's addressed to Chad.
And it's entitled, "Do you know what the bards are doing to our
Soil?"
Now, Clearstream, if you look at the soil around any large D&D city,
There's a big underground bard population. Waterdeep,
For an example. Look at the soil around Waterdeep, Clearstream.
You can't build on it; you can't grow anything in it. The Lords of Waterdeep
Says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on,
Clearstream. I know it's the bards. They're in it with the elves.
They're building special forests for Elvish Bards, I swear to
God.
You know what, Clearstream, I like you. You're not like the other
People, here on ennie world.