Anticipatory Grief

[FitzTheRuke]

We’re kind of in the same boat ourselves. Our grrrl will make 14 in January…if she makes it that long. She got sick a few months ago, and we thought she was weeks away from death. But she got better.

I'm in exactly the same boat with my golden retriever. She'll be 14 in January, and a few months ago she was so sick, that we took her to the vet with the understanding that "today might be the day", but we were advised to "give her the weekend" and she got better.

She has mobility issues, and acts somewhat strangely (compared to how she used to).

It's tricky, because I don't want to hold onto her for my own sake, but I also don't want to put her down for my sake, either. She still seems pretty happy, but then, she's a golden retriever. They're generally happy by nature!

I guess that might be the point where we pull the plug. If she ever truly struggles to get up, or if she doesn't seem happy anymore. It's my best guess, anyway.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

So sorry to hear this man. You can't lighten the load but you can share it to help bear it.

We lost our baby girl -- canine, age 7 -- earlier this year to cancer. She was diagnosed with lymphoma, started chemo, went into remission, had it come back, tweak chemo, remission again. Then we noticed she was feeling very uncomfortable lying down, and was painful, took her back ... a totally different cancer that they hadn't even diagnosed had taken over her abdomen while they were treating the lymphoma, and it was too far along for further treatment. Lost her within days.

At the same time our oldest dog has beaten cancer three times now, has a cadiac condition, and we expect to lose him soon ... but he keeps going to the brink and bouncing back. He's 12, which is still middle aged for a Sheltie so it's been hard to watch him struggle but he's still in it.

Anyway, F cancer.

 

[Distracted DM]

I've sometimes wondered whether it's better to experience a sudden death or be forewarned. I'm morbid that way I guess.

For me the answer is easy. I've had plenty of pets pass away naturally, or by deciding it was time... But I've only had one hit by a car in front of me. And that still haunts me. It's a trauma I can't shake.

Umbran I'm sorry for your pain, I hope sharing it here brings you a little solace.

 

[the Jester]

I'm so very sorry. Good luck with the coming year.

 

[Umbran]

It's tricky, because I don't want to hold onto her for my own sake, but I also don't want to put her down for my sake, either. She still seems pretty happy, but then, she's a golden retriever. They're generally happy by nature!

So, something to note here: The pet owner matters, too.

There are loads of cases in which the burden of care is just too much for an owner, physically, emotionally, or financially, and in such cases, saying goodbye for the owner's sake can be the right decision. I could give examples, but they'd all be sad, too.

 

[Umbran]

First oncologist consult we can get is December 4th.
Luckily, my wife knows other oncologists. We'll see if any of those can talk to us earlier.

 

[Sacrosanct]

I am so very sorry to hear that. While I have no idea how you are feeling or going through, I do have sympathy and empathy for you, your family, and your pets.

A few years ago our cat got sick. Took him to the vet a half dozen times over a month and they had no idea what was wrong. Thought was just a fever or something, but clearly something was very wrong. After two months from when he first started acting very sick, he had a bad day and I took him to the vet again. He died on my lap on the way there. It wasn't until after they did more blood tests when they found out he had coccidioidomycosis--a fungal infection in his brain. They didn't detect it because he didn't exhibit the normal symptoms. Even now, years later, it still breaks my heart that he was suffering like that for so long.

I don't share this story as a way to hijack or diminish your own story. I apologize if it's coming across like that. Only to show how I know what it's like to lose a cherished pet in such a cruel way so I am sending you as much vibes as I can.

 

[Umbran]

I don't share this story as a way to hijack or diminish your own story. I apologize if it's coming across like that.

Not at all. No worries.

I think of this thread more as a place to help process what's going on, and maybe be a little bit informative, and maybe to normalize folks talking about these things just a bit.

 

[Velderan]

Not at all. No worries.

I think of this thread more as a place to help process what's going on, and maybe be a little bit informative, and maybe to normalize folks talking about these things just a bit.

It's important to do that, I think some people don't understand how much some people connect with their pets and how it feels when they are going through a health issue.

I understand what you're going through. About 15 months ago our dog developed a mast cell tumor on her leg, which tests on everything else came back clean. At our vet's suggestion we went with a stelfonta injection to treat it since it was the least invasive treatment since our dog already had surgery on her leg once to repair an ACL tear. It worked like we expected and a few weeks later she was recovering fine. Fast forward to about a month ago and we noticed a lump had started to form on the exact same spot. A biopsy showed more mast cell tumor cells, along with some that looked a bit different to our vet so she suggested we take her to a vet with an oncologist to see what they thought. 2 weeks pass while we wonder what the other cells could be, the clinic we were referred to had us see the surgery team since oncology would take about a month longer to see. They ran a bunch more tests, including collecting tissue samples from her spleen and kidney along with an ultrasound which all came back clean for cancers (though the ultrasound showed she was developing kidney stones which they're optimistic a prescription diet will take care of). End result was them recommending we have them remove the tumor, along with some additional tissue beneath it for further testing. We bring her in first thing tomorrow morning for that.

So yeah... I emphathize and hope things work out for the best for your family. It's a crappy situation to go through.

 

[TheAlkaizer]

I'm sorry to read that.

But... it probably won't be a great year, and it probably won't be much more than a year.

I like a quote that I read on the internet that says something like "to you they're a part of your life, to them, you're their whole life". I think an imperfect and difficult year with you might mean more to your cat than you think!

Allowing our grief before the fact to get in the way of enjoying that limited span, or otherwise seep into our lives and tarnish it, would be a travesty.

It's personal to every one of us. But I never regretted knowing beforehand. Yes you start your grieving process, and you cry beforehand. But I don't think that tarnishes anything. It's unavoidable, death comes. But in knowing before hand that you're in the last stretch it allows you to act more purposefully. It's been a blessing for me every time. And I have regrets or recurring thoughts about sudden deaths all the time. There's no point in layering guilt over grief.