[ENboards Boston Feng Shui Game] Six in the Chamber II: HONG KONG BLOODBATH -UPDATED!
- Thread starter Dr Midnight
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Dr Midnight
Explorer
Dr Midnight
Explorer
BEFORE THE PROJECTOR BROKE DOWN:
The group separates. CHAI TONG and LING LING head for the ferris wheel. GRANDMA and BAZOOKA make a straight line for the bumper cars. CHEF TSO drinks and collapses near the information booth. CHEN YAU ascends one of those big wavy yellow slides to get a better view of the grounds. CUDDLY JACK carries WILLY over to the “helicopters”, the things on big hydraulic arms that lift up and down.
CUDDLY JACK
Helicopter ride, Willy!!!
WILLY
(panicking) no no NO MORE HEL NO MORE HELIC NO MORE HELICOPTERS!!!!
CUDDLY JACK
(hops inside one with his squirming friend) Yeah, no more! This’ll be fun, Willy!
They begin to have fun, until they hear the little voice crying out that her daddy was just stolen by some mean men…
From his place atop the yellow fun-slide, CHEN YAU can easily see that a small crowd of men in black suits are pushing through the throngs, escorting a nervous-looking man in a white coat. With them is a cocky looking bald fellow in a brightly colored jogging suit. Also trailing behind is a man wearing a large trenchcoat and sunglasses.
CHEN YAU (yelling)
Look, over there!
GRANDMA (looks to where CHEN YAU is pointing)
Those men have your scientist friend… and that’s that Lamb character!
BAZOOKA
Lam?
GRANDMA
Don’t correct me.
BAZOOKA
I’m not, I…
GRANDMA
Just don’t.
CHEF TSO looks up from where he’s collapsed, by the information booth.
CHEF TSO
Muh?
He sees Positive Lam and the mooks, all very clearly dressed as Chinese gangsters.
CHEF TSO
Buh!
He gets up and begins to stagger over, drooling from the corner of his mouth. From the top of the ferris wheel, LING LING and CHAI TONG spot the disturbance.
LING LING
That’s them… let’s go, Chai!
CHAI TONG
Do not presume to give me orders. I am not your quick-kicking, slow-witted sot of a husband-to-be. In turn, I will not give YOU orders, as I am not your sow-faced and boorish wretch of a grandmother.
Casually, CHAI TONG flips out of the ferris wheel’s car and begins tumbling through the air, downward. His clothes make all the unnecessarily loud and rippling cloth noises that you find in kung fu movies when someone is falling, fighting, moving quickly, or just yawning. Meanwhile, CHEN YAU begins to slide down the fun-slide. He gathers his legs beneath him as he slides and springs, trying to leap to a power line overhead. Sadly, the fun-slide was freshly waxed that morning and he careens through the air with arms flailing. LING LING, seeing this, purses her lips in a determined manner and resembles her pinch-faced grandmother briefly. She leaps from the ferris wheel and turns upside-down. In a slow-motion shot, we see her catch CHEN YAU in mid-air, upside-down, and turn to land some one hundred feet below… on top of a dancing giant panda suit, presumably with a man inside. They slam into the poor soul and send him shrieking back to smash into the wall. The children watching this begin to cry, but LING LING and CHEN YAU are unhurt.
WILLY and JACK are riding in the helicopters. They see the action begin, and JACK scoops WILLY up under one arm.
JACK
Ooooh, fisticuffs! I could go for another spot o’ the old toothknuckle, eh? How ‘bout you, Willy?
WILLY (between sobs)
Please let me go. I have a family.
JACK
No time for that right now, Willy! There’s faces what need breakin’! Let’s go!
CUDDLY JACK leaps out and bounds down the helicopters, like a set of stairs. He lands at the bottom and rushes forward with legs pumping. Civilians scream as he approaches, scattering to the wind. CUDDLY JACK running at you is a terrifying sight.
POSITIVE LAM looks up and sees the approaching fight. He taps the man in the trenchcoat on the arm.
LAM
Trouble.
MAN
I see it.
The man in the trenchcoat whips it off in a spinning flourish, revealing bright red, green, and gold colors. This is WANG SING YI. He’s wearing an old-style Chinese robe, and the front half of his head is shaved, leaving the back half in a very long black braid. He pauses in a kung-fu pose.
WANG SING YI
I am ready.
He tenses, seeing CHAI TONG coming his way from above. CHAI TONG hits the downward slope of the big top’s canvas bell, and he slides forward. He flips off the end and extends his leg in a kick. WANG SING YI leaps up to meet the ancient master’s attack, extending his own leg. The two smash together in mid-air, twenty feet up, and are knocked back from each other. They land in a crouch, each eyeing the other. They stand slowly. WANG curls his hand into a fist, and the knuckles crack. CHAI adjusts his sleeve cuffs, folding them tightly so they’ll be out of the way, never taking his eye off his opponent. They pause for a moment, then attack. We get three seconds of very, very fast fight choreography between the two. Fists, kicks, and blocks cloud the air around them as they spin and strike. They’re very evenly matched.
POSITIVE LAM turns to the mooks.
LAM
You five… get him to the car! The rest of you, stay here and kill anyone who tries to stop us!
The mooks run out. Several are bowled aside by CUDDLY JACK as he sprints for the men running with Dr. Takahashi.
CUDDLY JACK
I’m gonna get the quack, you lot hold things down here!
CHEN YAU, getting up from the hay pile, nods. He and LING LING fly into combat and begin taking out mooks with spinning elbow-strikes and leaping shin-sweeps.
In the bumper cars section, BAZOOKA is getting perhaps too excited. He aims for the gate and floors the “gas pedal.” Of course, in Hong Kong, they don’t mess around with the bumper cars. Those things are unbelievably powerful, in contrast to every bumper car you’ve ever been in. The engine roars and BAZOOKA’s car leaps forward, smashing out of the gate. Of course, once it leaves the metal flooring and hits the dirt, it’s in very poor driving conditions. BAZOOKA utters his war cry as he begins smashing into mooks, bouncing off of them like a pinball.
BAZOOKA
(hands clutched girlishly to face) AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
He smashes five mooks aside in this way, then rockets off on its own course. We cut to see the giant panda struggling to stand. The suit of cheap polyester fur is dirty and peppered with hay and ride ticket stubs. The panda steadies himself and looks about… just in time to see BAZOOKA shooting towards him.
PANDA
Eep!
CRASH!!! BAZOOKA’s out-of-control bumper car slams into the giant furry aberration like a fist, and the panda crashes through a sideshow KNOCK ALL THE MILK BOTTLES DOWN booth. He knocks all the bottles down… as well as the booth itself. BAZOOKA opens his eyes and sees that he’s hit his childhood idol, CHIM-CHIM THE MORBIDLY OBESE PANDA. He cries out in despair as he remembers so many good times watching the CHIM-CHIM VARIETY HOUR and the holiday CHIM-CHIM specials. He’s been a member of the childrens’ television icon’s fan club for two decades.
BAZOOKA
Chim-Chim, no! I’m so sorry!
CHIM-CHIM sits up abruptly, his painted plastic eyes glowing with indignation.
CHIM-CHIM
Member #357! You are hereby BANISHED FROM THE FAN CLUB!!
BAZOOKA (slaps his hands against the sides of his head and screams in horror. )
NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
He’s still screaming when his bumper car flies up into the air after hitting a discarded candy apple. The car flies up into the air, and lands on a running roller coaster. One of the small ones, made for kids. A child BAZOOKA lands next to slaps his arm.
CHILD (angrily)
You hurt Chim-Chim.
BAZOOKA weeps into his palms.
GRANDMA LING drives out more cautiously, and aims her car at POSITIVE LAM. She flies at him but misses when he cartwheels out of the way. He swings a kick at her head, but she rolls out of the car just in time and lands on her feet. CHEF TSO is nearby, now, and he spots something. A carnie nearby is dressed in a Godzilla suit, selling CHEF TSO brand hot dogs to children. “ON FIRE, ON A STICK, AND COOKED BY A RUBBER LIZARD, JUST LIKE CHEF TSO MAKES ‘EM!” is the tagline. Selling flaming hot dogs in a Godzilla suit has become a sure thing since CHEF TSO’s fame arose… it’s like printing money. TSO has them all over the place, kinda like McDonalds, except with more copyright infringement.
CHEF TSO
You there! I need that suit!
MAN IN SUIT
Uh, sir, this suit is property of General Tso, incorporated. I can’t…
CHEF TSO
I AM GENERAL TSO, I NEED THAT SUIT!!
TSO is drunk and impatient, so he grabs the suit by the tail and spins it around until the man flies out of it, shrieking with alarm. CHEF TSO plucks the Godzilla mask from his head.
CHEF TSO
Thanks!
CHAI TONG and WANG SING-YI have paused, backing away. They’re very evenly matched and they know it. WANG draws something shiny from his robe and pulls on it. It extends. It’s his telescoping claw. He poses with it, ready for the next round of combat. The claw’s ends twinkle with deadly sharpness. He rushes forward and slashes. CHAI ducks the first swipe, stands and spins to his left to avoid the upward vertical second strike, then is struck. Four claw marks rip across the front of his shirt. Blood begins flowing, slowly, from the wound. The claw comes down again and CHAI moves into the blow, blocking the arm from below with his left hand and punching WANG in the stomach with his right. He then raises his right hand and smashes WANG’S arm aside before spin-kicking him in the face. We see the claw vibrate as it slams point-first into a wooden pole, standing nearby supporting the big-top. CHAI grins.
CHAI TONG
I have no time to bandy about cutlery with you.
WANG leaps back into the fray and the hand-to-hand fury starts again.
Meanwhile, CUDDLY JACK isn’t really gaining on the fleeing kidnappers, and LING LING and CHAI TONG are neatly dispatching the mooks. GRANDMA is in some trouble, though, as she faces off with POSITIVE LAM. He’s very clever, and has struck her several times with improvised attacks and nearby objects. He steps back and stomps on the end of a large wooden mallet, which is balanced on the rubber pad of one of those TEST YOUR STRENGTH things. The large mallet flies forward, spinning at GRANDMA, who rolls beneath it and stands. LAM is ready for her, though, and he punches her in the face with one hand, grabs her lace lapel with the other, and kicks her in the stomach. He holds on to her lapel and she flies upward from the force. He spins her and slams her onto her back, on the rubber pad. GRANDMA grunts from the pain, and- DING!- The little metal puck shoots up and hits the bell. The puck knocks the bell free, in fact, and flies up into the air. The bell spins and by some quirk of fate, its razor-sharp edges sever a steel cable holding the 200 foot tall ferris wheel in place. The entire structure lurches. LAM smiles at her from above, after hearing the DING!
POSITIVE LAM
Well, well. I’ve won a prize.
A VOICE FROM BEHIND HIM
Here’s your prize!
LAM whirls in time to see a man in a Godzilla suit blow a plume of flame towards him. He bends backward, barely avoiding the fiery blast. GRANDMA is ready for this, though, and her legs shoot up to kick him in the head. He flies forward to the Godzilla suit and begins to fight with it. CHEF TSO, in the suit, begins to employ drunken boxing. He is, of course, very drunk. His stumbling movements belie the staggering savagery of his attacks. He spins, lurches, and strikes. LAM kicks him across the face and CHEF TSO spins with the movement, slapping LAM’s head with the suit’s large rubber tail. POSITIVE LAM spins three times in the air and strikes the ground.
CHEF TSO
I hate you, Special K!
LAM comes up with a grappling hook gun. He shoots it upward, confusing CHEF TSO, then pulls with all his might. CHEF TSO looks up to see that they’re standing beneath the “Monkey House”, and a large, cheap-looking animatronic gorilla’s upper torso is slowly beating its chest above the amusement. LAM has snagged the gorilla’s arm, and it’s so flimsy that it falls free, down towards CHEF TSO. It crushes him there. The arm lands on him, and the hand, still moving, bonks against TSO’s head at its own slow rhythm.
CHEF TSO
Ow. Ow. Ow.
GRANDMA
Will you be as hopeless a husband to my granddaughter as you are a fighter? For shame!
GRANDMA comes up behind LAM and wraps the steel cable around his neck. This is the cable that’s still attached to the ferris wheel, which has begun to roll forward, very slowly, with a great grinding metal squeal. Fair-goers scream and run for their lives from the ten-ton behemoth as it begins to move, slowly gaining speed.
The cable is now around LAM’s neck, and cutting off his air supply. He chokes and tries to untie it. GRANDMA shakes her head tsk-tskingly (as grandmas sometimes do) and stabs him through the back of the neck with a knitting needle. The needle sinks into his flesh and all but pins the bound cable in place. Blood begins running out all over his jogging suit and his eyes bug out as he gasps for breath, but he’s not dead yet.
CUDDLY JACK is running for the mooks, still. They’ve reached the parking lot. The mooks have piled into their black car with the abducted Dr. Takahashi. JACK drops WILLY and grabs the rear bumper of the car. He lifts with all his might as the car turns on and it shifts into gear. The rear wheels spin, out of contact with the ground.
MOOK (inside car)
Holy $%^#, he’s lifting up the car!
The mooks shout and panic as CUDDLY JACK, with neck veins bulging, turns the car over. The mooks clamber out, cocking guns and aiming them at the immense Australian. JACK grins and begins letting his fists dance on faces. Three of the mooks run. The other two stay and get pummeled.
WANG SING YI and CHAI TONG are still going at it. CHAI has a bloody nose and ripped shirt, and WANG has a bruised cheek and a broken rib. They strike and jab at each other at a furious pace. WANG extends an elbow to the face, then a wrist-strike to the body. CHAI counters with an upward hand blow, then backflips, kicking WANG in the chin as he goes. WANG kicks out and brutally smashes CHAI in the chest as he spins back down to a landing. CHAI staggers back, clutching his chest. WANG smiles.
WANG SING-YI
You are quite skilled… yet you want for the ability to defeat me. You are lacking the proper attunement.
CHAI TONG
Yes. You are quite skilled as well… yet you lack your weapon. Here, allow me to return it to you.
CHAI pivots on one foot and his other whips out, freeing WANG’s long silver claw from the wooden pole. It shoots through the air and lodges in WANG’s chest. WANG SING-YI gasps and looks down. The claw is buried in his breastbone. With a bellow, CHAI leaps forward and kicks the end of the claw. It buries itself in WANG’S chest completely, puncturing his heart and plunging through his back. With a spurt of blood, WANG SING-YI is dead. He falls to the ground.
CHAI TONG (dusting hands off)
You are shortsighted and overly confident. You are also dead.
POSITIVE LAM is in quite a bad situation. His neck is pinned with a knitting needle, holding a wrapped steel cable in place, which attaches him to a rapidly accelerating ferris wheel. He’s also being attacked by GRANDMA.
GRANDMA
How will you improvise your way out of THIS one, you persnickety young upstart?
POSITIVE LAM responds by kicking her in the face and running towards the ferris wheel, gathering the cable in a coil on his arm. He then jumps, holding on to the cable. He swings around and lands on the ferris wheel, where he collapses in one of the little cars.
GRANDMA
I can’t believe it.
She watches as the speeding ferris wheel, crushing everything in its path, heads out to the parking lot. It smashes cars and fences on its rampage. CHEF TSO gets up, dazed, still in the Godzilla costume.
CHEF TSO
I’m up, I’m up! Did you get him?
GRANDMA
Because you were laying on the ground like an impudent lackwit, I had to. Sadly, Glorious Duck escaped in the giant rolling hamster wheel.
CHEF TSO
Damn! I’m going to go help Jack.
CHEF TSO runs off and takes a shortcut through an attraction. The attraction is entitled THE FUTURE OF CIVILIZATION, and is a small version of the city in model form, with little skyscrapers and buildings. He leaps out onto the field of models and runs towards the parking lot, which is just beyond. The mooks are running past, away from CUDDLY JACK. They turn to see Godzilla running through a whole miniature city… straight towards them. A gout of flame shoots from his mouth and lights the city on fire as he stomps the building to pieces. These particular mooks, raised in Japan and “on loan” from the Yakuza, have grown up on giant monster movies. At the sight of CHEF TSO’s rampage, the blood drains from their faces and they are terrified. One wets himself. None of them see CUDDLY JACK coming, and he plows through them like a linebacker on angel dust. Mooks fly in every direction. CHEF TSO, seeing that the mook threat is under control, runs to the overturned car, where Dr. Takahashi is trapped and trying to escape before the oncoming ferris wheel crushes him to a glistening red paste. He reaches into the car.
CHEF TSO
Quick, give me your hand!
DR. TAKAHASHI
Noooo, it’s Godzilla!
CHEF TSO
I’m not Godzilla, now give me your hand! Quick!
DR. TAKAHASHI
Promise you won’t eat me, Godzilla!
CHEF TSO (sighing)
I AM GODZILLA AND I WILL EAT YOU UNLESS YOU TAKE MY HAND RIGHT NOW ROARRRRRRRR.
DR. TAKAHASHI gasps and takes CHEF TSO’s hand, who pulls him free just before the ferris wheel flattens the car to the ground. CRUNCH!!! The heroes assemble in the parking lot to help CHEF TSO to his feet, comfort the shaken TAKAHASHI, and watch the fast-moving ferris wheel move off into the distance. Police sirens are now being heard. LING LING smacks the back of CHEF TSO’s head.
LING LING (angrily)
Is the sum of your usefulness entirely composed of acting like a drunken ass in a Godzilla costume?
CHEF TSO
No, I have plenty of money.
LING LING
Which you acquired how, again?
CHEF TSO (opens his mouth, hesitates, hangs head)
Oh yeah.
The group separates. CHAI TONG and LING LING head for the ferris wheel. GRANDMA and BAZOOKA make a straight line for the bumper cars. CHEF TSO drinks and collapses near the information booth. CHEN YAU ascends one of those big wavy yellow slides to get a better view of the grounds. CUDDLY JACK carries WILLY over to the “helicopters”, the things on big hydraulic arms that lift up and down.
CUDDLY JACK
Helicopter ride, Willy!!!
WILLY
(panicking) no no NO MORE HEL NO MORE HELIC NO MORE HELICOPTERS!!!!
CUDDLY JACK
(hops inside one with his squirming friend) Yeah, no more! This’ll be fun, Willy!
They begin to have fun, until they hear the little voice crying out that her daddy was just stolen by some mean men…
From his place atop the yellow fun-slide, CHEN YAU can easily see that a small crowd of men in black suits are pushing through the throngs, escorting a nervous-looking man in a white coat. With them is a cocky looking bald fellow in a brightly colored jogging suit. Also trailing behind is a man wearing a large trenchcoat and sunglasses.
CHEN YAU (yelling)
Look, over there!
GRANDMA (looks to where CHEN YAU is pointing)
Those men have your scientist friend… and that’s that Lamb character!
BAZOOKA
Lam?
GRANDMA
Don’t correct me.
BAZOOKA
I’m not, I…
GRANDMA
Just don’t.
CHEF TSO looks up from where he’s collapsed, by the information booth.
CHEF TSO
Muh?
He sees Positive Lam and the mooks, all very clearly dressed as Chinese gangsters.
CHEF TSO
Buh!
He gets up and begins to stagger over, drooling from the corner of his mouth. From the top of the ferris wheel, LING LING and CHAI TONG spot the disturbance.
LING LING
That’s them… let’s go, Chai!
CHAI TONG
Do not presume to give me orders. I am not your quick-kicking, slow-witted sot of a husband-to-be. In turn, I will not give YOU orders, as I am not your sow-faced and boorish wretch of a grandmother.
Casually, CHAI TONG flips out of the ferris wheel’s car and begins tumbling through the air, downward. His clothes make all the unnecessarily loud and rippling cloth noises that you find in kung fu movies when someone is falling, fighting, moving quickly, or just yawning. Meanwhile, CHEN YAU begins to slide down the fun-slide. He gathers his legs beneath him as he slides and springs, trying to leap to a power line overhead. Sadly, the fun-slide was freshly waxed that morning and he careens through the air with arms flailing. LING LING, seeing this, purses her lips in a determined manner and resembles her pinch-faced grandmother briefly. She leaps from the ferris wheel and turns upside-down. In a slow-motion shot, we see her catch CHEN YAU in mid-air, upside-down, and turn to land some one hundred feet below… on top of a dancing giant panda suit, presumably with a man inside. They slam into the poor soul and send him shrieking back to smash into the wall. The children watching this begin to cry, but LING LING and CHEN YAU are unhurt.
WILLY and JACK are riding in the helicopters. They see the action begin, and JACK scoops WILLY up under one arm.
JACK
Ooooh, fisticuffs! I could go for another spot o’ the old toothknuckle, eh? How ‘bout you, Willy?
WILLY (between sobs)
Please let me go. I have a family.
JACK
No time for that right now, Willy! There’s faces what need breakin’! Let’s go!
CUDDLY JACK leaps out and bounds down the helicopters, like a set of stairs. He lands at the bottom and rushes forward with legs pumping. Civilians scream as he approaches, scattering to the wind. CUDDLY JACK running at you is a terrifying sight.
POSITIVE LAM looks up and sees the approaching fight. He taps the man in the trenchcoat on the arm.
LAM
Trouble.
MAN
I see it.
The man in the trenchcoat whips it off in a spinning flourish, revealing bright red, green, and gold colors. This is WANG SING YI. He’s wearing an old-style Chinese robe, and the front half of his head is shaved, leaving the back half in a very long black braid. He pauses in a kung-fu pose.
WANG SING YI
I am ready.
He tenses, seeing CHAI TONG coming his way from above. CHAI TONG hits the downward slope of the big top’s canvas bell, and he slides forward. He flips off the end and extends his leg in a kick. WANG SING YI leaps up to meet the ancient master’s attack, extending his own leg. The two smash together in mid-air, twenty feet up, and are knocked back from each other. They land in a crouch, each eyeing the other. They stand slowly. WANG curls his hand into a fist, and the knuckles crack. CHAI adjusts his sleeve cuffs, folding them tightly so they’ll be out of the way, never taking his eye off his opponent. They pause for a moment, then attack. We get three seconds of very, very fast fight choreography between the two. Fists, kicks, and blocks cloud the air around them as they spin and strike. They’re very evenly matched.
POSITIVE LAM turns to the mooks.
LAM
You five… get him to the car! The rest of you, stay here and kill anyone who tries to stop us!
The mooks run out. Several are bowled aside by CUDDLY JACK as he sprints for the men running with Dr. Takahashi.
CUDDLY JACK
I’m gonna get the quack, you lot hold things down here!
CHEN YAU, getting up from the hay pile, nods. He and LING LING fly into combat and begin taking out mooks with spinning elbow-strikes and leaping shin-sweeps.
In the bumper cars section, BAZOOKA is getting perhaps too excited. He aims for the gate and floors the “gas pedal.” Of course, in Hong Kong, they don’t mess around with the bumper cars. Those things are unbelievably powerful, in contrast to every bumper car you’ve ever been in. The engine roars and BAZOOKA’s car leaps forward, smashing out of the gate. Of course, once it leaves the metal flooring and hits the dirt, it’s in very poor driving conditions. BAZOOKA utters his war cry as he begins smashing into mooks, bouncing off of them like a pinball.
BAZOOKA
(hands clutched girlishly to face) AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
He smashes five mooks aside in this way, then rockets off on its own course. We cut to see the giant panda struggling to stand. The suit of cheap polyester fur is dirty and peppered with hay and ride ticket stubs. The panda steadies himself and looks about… just in time to see BAZOOKA shooting towards him.
PANDA
Eep!
CRASH!!! BAZOOKA’s out-of-control bumper car slams into the giant furry aberration like a fist, and the panda crashes through a sideshow KNOCK ALL THE MILK BOTTLES DOWN booth. He knocks all the bottles down… as well as the booth itself. BAZOOKA opens his eyes and sees that he’s hit his childhood idol, CHIM-CHIM THE MORBIDLY OBESE PANDA. He cries out in despair as he remembers so many good times watching the CHIM-CHIM VARIETY HOUR and the holiday CHIM-CHIM specials. He’s been a member of the childrens’ television icon’s fan club for two decades.
BAZOOKA
Chim-Chim, no! I’m so sorry!
CHIM-CHIM sits up abruptly, his painted plastic eyes glowing with indignation.
CHIM-CHIM
Member #357! You are hereby BANISHED FROM THE FAN CLUB!!
BAZOOKA (slaps his hands against the sides of his head and screams in horror. )
NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
He’s still screaming when his bumper car flies up into the air after hitting a discarded candy apple. The car flies up into the air, and lands on a running roller coaster. One of the small ones, made for kids. A child BAZOOKA lands next to slaps his arm.
CHILD (angrily)
You hurt Chim-Chim.
BAZOOKA weeps into his palms.
GRANDMA LING drives out more cautiously, and aims her car at POSITIVE LAM. She flies at him but misses when he cartwheels out of the way. He swings a kick at her head, but she rolls out of the car just in time and lands on her feet. CHEF TSO is nearby, now, and he spots something. A carnie nearby is dressed in a Godzilla suit, selling CHEF TSO brand hot dogs to children. “ON FIRE, ON A STICK, AND COOKED BY A RUBBER LIZARD, JUST LIKE CHEF TSO MAKES ‘EM!” is the tagline. Selling flaming hot dogs in a Godzilla suit has become a sure thing since CHEF TSO’s fame arose… it’s like printing money. TSO has them all over the place, kinda like McDonalds, except with more copyright infringement.
CHEF TSO
You there! I need that suit!
MAN IN SUIT
Uh, sir, this suit is property of General Tso, incorporated. I can’t…
CHEF TSO
I AM GENERAL TSO, I NEED THAT SUIT!!
TSO is drunk and impatient, so he grabs the suit by the tail and spins it around until the man flies out of it, shrieking with alarm. CHEF TSO plucks the Godzilla mask from his head.
CHEF TSO
Thanks!
CHAI TONG and WANG SING-YI have paused, backing away. They’re very evenly matched and they know it. WANG draws something shiny from his robe and pulls on it. It extends. It’s his telescoping claw. He poses with it, ready for the next round of combat. The claw’s ends twinkle with deadly sharpness. He rushes forward and slashes. CHAI ducks the first swipe, stands and spins to his left to avoid the upward vertical second strike, then is struck. Four claw marks rip across the front of his shirt. Blood begins flowing, slowly, from the wound. The claw comes down again and CHAI moves into the blow, blocking the arm from below with his left hand and punching WANG in the stomach with his right. He then raises his right hand and smashes WANG’S arm aside before spin-kicking him in the face. We see the claw vibrate as it slams point-first into a wooden pole, standing nearby supporting the big-top. CHAI grins.
CHAI TONG
I have no time to bandy about cutlery with you.
WANG leaps back into the fray and the hand-to-hand fury starts again.
Meanwhile, CUDDLY JACK isn’t really gaining on the fleeing kidnappers, and LING LING and CHAI TONG are neatly dispatching the mooks. GRANDMA is in some trouble, though, as she faces off with POSITIVE LAM. He’s very clever, and has struck her several times with improvised attacks and nearby objects. He steps back and stomps on the end of a large wooden mallet, which is balanced on the rubber pad of one of those TEST YOUR STRENGTH things. The large mallet flies forward, spinning at GRANDMA, who rolls beneath it and stands. LAM is ready for her, though, and he punches her in the face with one hand, grabs her lace lapel with the other, and kicks her in the stomach. He holds on to her lapel and she flies upward from the force. He spins her and slams her onto her back, on the rubber pad. GRANDMA grunts from the pain, and- DING!- The little metal puck shoots up and hits the bell. The puck knocks the bell free, in fact, and flies up into the air. The bell spins and by some quirk of fate, its razor-sharp edges sever a steel cable holding the 200 foot tall ferris wheel in place. The entire structure lurches. LAM smiles at her from above, after hearing the DING!
POSITIVE LAM
Well, well. I’ve won a prize.
A VOICE FROM BEHIND HIM
Here’s your prize!
LAM whirls in time to see a man in a Godzilla suit blow a plume of flame towards him. He bends backward, barely avoiding the fiery blast. GRANDMA is ready for this, though, and her legs shoot up to kick him in the head. He flies forward to the Godzilla suit and begins to fight with it. CHEF TSO, in the suit, begins to employ drunken boxing. He is, of course, very drunk. His stumbling movements belie the staggering savagery of his attacks. He spins, lurches, and strikes. LAM kicks him across the face and CHEF TSO spins with the movement, slapping LAM’s head with the suit’s large rubber tail. POSITIVE LAM spins three times in the air and strikes the ground.
CHEF TSO
I hate you, Special K!
LAM comes up with a grappling hook gun. He shoots it upward, confusing CHEF TSO, then pulls with all his might. CHEF TSO looks up to see that they’re standing beneath the “Monkey House”, and a large, cheap-looking animatronic gorilla’s upper torso is slowly beating its chest above the amusement. LAM has snagged the gorilla’s arm, and it’s so flimsy that it falls free, down towards CHEF TSO. It crushes him there. The arm lands on him, and the hand, still moving, bonks against TSO’s head at its own slow rhythm.
CHEF TSO
Ow. Ow. Ow.
GRANDMA
Will you be as hopeless a husband to my granddaughter as you are a fighter? For shame!
GRANDMA comes up behind LAM and wraps the steel cable around his neck. This is the cable that’s still attached to the ferris wheel, which has begun to roll forward, very slowly, with a great grinding metal squeal. Fair-goers scream and run for their lives from the ten-ton behemoth as it begins to move, slowly gaining speed.
The cable is now around LAM’s neck, and cutting off his air supply. He chokes and tries to untie it. GRANDMA shakes her head tsk-tskingly (as grandmas sometimes do) and stabs him through the back of the neck with a knitting needle. The needle sinks into his flesh and all but pins the bound cable in place. Blood begins running out all over his jogging suit and his eyes bug out as he gasps for breath, but he’s not dead yet.
CUDDLY JACK is running for the mooks, still. They’ve reached the parking lot. The mooks have piled into their black car with the abducted Dr. Takahashi. JACK drops WILLY and grabs the rear bumper of the car. He lifts with all his might as the car turns on and it shifts into gear. The rear wheels spin, out of contact with the ground.
MOOK (inside car)
Holy $%^#, he’s lifting up the car!
The mooks shout and panic as CUDDLY JACK, with neck veins bulging, turns the car over. The mooks clamber out, cocking guns and aiming them at the immense Australian. JACK grins and begins letting his fists dance on faces. Three of the mooks run. The other two stay and get pummeled.
WANG SING YI and CHAI TONG are still going at it. CHAI has a bloody nose and ripped shirt, and WANG has a bruised cheek and a broken rib. They strike and jab at each other at a furious pace. WANG extends an elbow to the face, then a wrist-strike to the body. CHAI counters with an upward hand blow, then backflips, kicking WANG in the chin as he goes. WANG kicks out and brutally smashes CHAI in the chest as he spins back down to a landing. CHAI staggers back, clutching his chest. WANG smiles.
WANG SING-YI
You are quite skilled… yet you want for the ability to defeat me. You are lacking the proper attunement.
CHAI TONG
Yes. You are quite skilled as well… yet you lack your weapon. Here, allow me to return it to you.
CHAI pivots on one foot and his other whips out, freeing WANG’s long silver claw from the wooden pole. It shoots through the air and lodges in WANG’s chest. WANG SING-YI gasps and looks down. The claw is buried in his breastbone. With a bellow, CHAI leaps forward and kicks the end of the claw. It buries itself in WANG’S chest completely, puncturing his heart and plunging through his back. With a spurt of blood, WANG SING-YI is dead. He falls to the ground.
CHAI TONG (dusting hands off)
You are shortsighted and overly confident. You are also dead.
POSITIVE LAM is in quite a bad situation. His neck is pinned with a knitting needle, holding a wrapped steel cable in place, which attaches him to a rapidly accelerating ferris wheel. He’s also being attacked by GRANDMA.
GRANDMA
How will you improvise your way out of THIS one, you persnickety young upstart?
POSITIVE LAM responds by kicking her in the face and running towards the ferris wheel, gathering the cable in a coil on his arm. He then jumps, holding on to the cable. He swings around and lands on the ferris wheel, where he collapses in one of the little cars.
GRANDMA
I can’t believe it.
She watches as the speeding ferris wheel, crushing everything in its path, heads out to the parking lot. It smashes cars and fences on its rampage. CHEF TSO gets up, dazed, still in the Godzilla costume.
CHEF TSO
I’m up, I’m up! Did you get him?
GRANDMA
Because you were laying on the ground like an impudent lackwit, I had to. Sadly, Glorious Duck escaped in the giant rolling hamster wheel.
CHEF TSO
Damn! I’m going to go help Jack.
CHEF TSO runs off and takes a shortcut through an attraction. The attraction is entitled THE FUTURE OF CIVILIZATION, and is a small version of the city in model form, with little skyscrapers and buildings. He leaps out onto the field of models and runs towards the parking lot, which is just beyond. The mooks are running past, away from CUDDLY JACK. They turn to see Godzilla running through a whole miniature city… straight towards them. A gout of flame shoots from his mouth and lights the city on fire as he stomps the building to pieces. These particular mooks, raised in Japan and “on loan” from the Yakuza, have grown up on giant monster movies. At the sight of CHEF TSO’s rampage, the blood drains from their faces and they are terrified. One wets himself. None of them see CUDDLY JACK coming, and he plows through them like a linebacker on angel dust. Mooks fly in every direction. CHEF TSO, seeing that the mook threat is under control, runs to the overturned car, where Dr. Takahashi is trapped and trying to escape before the oncoming ferris wheel crushes him to a glistening red paste. He reaches into the car.
CHEF TSO
Quick, give me your hand!
DR. TAKAHASHI
Noooo, it’s Godzilla!
CHEF TSO
I’m not Godzilla, now give me your hand! Quick!
DR. TAKAHASHI
Promise you won’t eat me, Godzilla!
CHEF TSO (sighing)
I AM GODZILLA AND I WILL EAT YOU UNLESS YOU TAKE MY HAND RIGHT NOW ROARRRRRRRR.
DR. TAKAHASHI gasps and takes CHEF TSO’s hand, who pulls him free just before the ferris wheel flattens the car to the ground. CRUNCH!!! The heroes assemble in the parking lot to help CHEF TSO to his feet, comfort the shaken TAKAHASHI, and watch the fast-moving ferris wheel move off into the distance. Police sirens are now being heard. LING LING smacks the back of CHEF TSO’s head.
LING LING (angrily)
Is the sum of your usefulness entirely composed of acting like a drunken ass in a Godzilla costume?
CHEF TSO
No, I have plenty of money.
LING LING
Which you acquired how, again?
CHEF TSO (opens his mouth, hesitates, hangs head)
Oh yeah.
Lela
First Post
Yayness!!! I won't have to live without a Doc Story Hour after all (at least for a little longer anyway).
I'm never sure of how to react to this one though. All I know is that I really really like it. I just have no idea why.
Other than Chim-Chim the Morbidly Obese Panda of course. There's 17 reasons to read this right there.
I'm never sure of how to react to this one though. All I know is that I really really like it. I just have no idea why.
Other than Chim-Chim the Morbidly Obese Panda of course. There's 17 reasons to read this right there.
Chronosome
Explorer
*Chrono sits back in his seat, after clearing off some cobwebs.* 
Last edited:
Mathew_Freeman
Adventurer
Wahey! The Update! The Promised Update!
As a mark of respect, I promise to wait an entire week before starting to ask you when the next one is...
As a mark of respect, I promise to wait an entire week before starting to ask you when the next one is...
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