Thanks, that helps me understand his perspective a bit more.
I think there's a tension here between what you "want to use" and what you fee like you have to use because it's "more effective." And this is pretty interesting because it's about gameplay goals.
I think there are a LOT of tables who feel like this choice is clear: you do what you want, because D&D for a lot of tables is primarily a game about doing what you WANT to do, not a game about winning by being effective. It's not primarily a challenge-based fun of skill and mastery, but more a social-based fun of creativity and sharing. When the two are in competition, you go with the latter - even if you die, it's adding to the fun story being told through the play. Effectiveness is a second-order consideration, clearly subordinate to having fun. Better to die a glorious and reckless death than to 100% the dungeon without taking damage by poking every inch with an 11-foot pole.
I know if my gnome sorcerer comes up against a dragon with Legendary Resistance, I'm not going to be at my most effective (my save-or-suck spells become largely a waste of a turn). I'll be spending my actions on saving throw cantrips to eat it up or maybe lobbing a chromatic orb or two (and ending with a SLEEP!). It'd probably be more effective to learn fly and pitch the paladin at 'em, but that's not the character I'm playing, that's not what I'd have fun doing, so it's not what I'm going to do.
Effectiveness is not a primary decider for me or any of the groups that I've been in. I think I'd rankle at a table where it was - where what gets the numbers big is more important than the kind of role I want to play. Not casting fly is always an option, even if it's a less effective option, because effectiveness doesn't determine my actions. It's a factor - I'd rather be a little effective than totally ineffective - but it's not the determining factor. I will do something less effective if it is more in character and will let me have more fun.
This I can understand. I know you play at a different table than I do with a little different play-style and conventions
Our adventuring day is fewer, harder combats meant to use all our resources in one big combat to the death. XP budgets usually exceed the recommended amount. We play very deadly with the DM using as optimal as possible tactics for the NPCs. We had a bunch of these in Tyranny of Dragons against you know what.
I find it hard to believe that most people sitting around the table gaming with their buddies don't cast a buff spell on him to help him get into combat. You all must have some players in your group that like playing melee martials because they enjoy them. This particular edition of D&D punishes that choice more than past editions in terms of limiting buffs that allow the melee martial to get into combat. Given these people are your friends, you feel somewhat bad when you've fought five dragon battles in a row where they could do nearly nothing unless you cast
fly on them. By the time we reached 10th or 12th level, I was happy the DM gave the bard a magic item that allowed a second concentration spell so he could cast
fly while maintaining
bless and I could do some other things. I figured people understood what I was talking about. I guess fewer people than I think have been in similar circumstances.
I have quite a few players that like playing melee martials be it a greatsword wielder, a barbarian, or a martial arts monk. We've always helped them get into battle against fliers. It never created this opportunity cost choice in 5E where casting
fly prevents you from casting any other concentration spell. It was the first time I've ever dealt with a mechanic that made casting
fly such an incredibly effective, yet limiting and boring option as a caster. I started to go out of my way to find spells without concentration at higher level because I knew if we ran into flying enemies, I needed to get fly on the melee martials (both of our main damage dealers) or we were screwed and probably going to die.
Here I was looking forward to trying out a fun looking spell like
bigby's hand and I never really got to do it because I was casting
fly. After I stopped having to cast
fly, the DM threw a dragon flight of five young dragons at us. I had to cast
protection form energy or we would have died. Five breath weapons even from young dragons was way too much to deal with even for a fighter. I can't remember if I ever did get to try
bigby's hand. I did to get use
wall of force finally. That was an effective spell. You can still do some nifty stuff with
wall of force.