Anticipatory Grief

[Zardnaar]

On a related topic, one thing I will always remember that came from a vet. When the time comes to say goodbye, a lot of people won't go to the back room because they can't or won't handle seeing their pet put to sleep. But that last moment, alone with the vet, is scary for the pet. The vet said often the pets will look around looking for their family (cuz in most cases, the vet is stressful already for the animal). So if you can, stay with your pet so the last thing they see and feel is your comfort, even if it's hard for you.

We lost Ember a couple of years back. Little cat.

Held her paw patting her at the end wife starts bawling. Its rough.

We didn't recognize cancer symptoms and had her tested twice a year so it was kinda rapid.

We have another elderly cat. Not sure how old he is we've had him 15 years next month. Adopted from SPCA full grown he's probably 16/17.

The Muppet in my avatar is my nephew cat. Stray I rehomed to my SiL place. He likes my nephew a lot but is equal opportunity moocher.

 

[Umbran]

So, on the medical front...

Meds are holding up, for now. The cat's not hiding, and is staying social, feels good enough to get on the bed herself, and so on, which is great.

We've spoken with an oncologist, and have a game plan. We will be going with chemotherapy. Rather than speak in averages, she laid it out in terms of populations: With this kind of cancer and treatment, there's basically three buckets. Maybe a third just don't respond, and live a month or two. Another third will see partial remission (tumor gets smaller, the animal has reduced symptoms), and get about six months - you have to eventually stop the chemo, and the cancer comes back. Another third get greater remission, and make it through more like 10 months.

Which, to us, reads as, "a 2/3 chance of 6+ more months," and that doesn't suck.

It won't be cheap, but it is within our means, and we love this cat to heck and back.

 

[Eyes of Nine]

Thoughts with you and your family as you go through this Umbran.
Sounds like some cautiously hopeful good news from your most recent.

 

[Zardnaar]

Cat photos and stories make the situation worse or better?

 

[Umbran]

On a related topic, one thing I will always remember that came from a vet. When the time comes to say goodbye, a lot of people won't go to the back room because they can't or won't handle seeing their pet put to sleep. But that last moment, alone with the vet, is scary for the pet. The vet said often the pets will look around looking for their family (cuz in most cases, the vet is stressful already for the animal). So if you can, stay with your pet so the last thing they see and feel is your comfort, even if it's hard for you.

My wife is a veterinarian that does hospice, end of life, and palliative care exclusively. She is, as I type this, at a house call helping a client say goodbye to their pet. And what you say above is not her recommendation to her clients.

(Edit to add: When she got home from the house call, I asked her, and her response was, "The owner should show themselves the same grace and compassion as they want to show their pet. Both of you matter, and neither of you should have to suffer here.")

And honestly, if you really cannot be there, if it is truly distressing to you, then your pet will know! They will sense your distress, and your presence will not really be of comfort to them.

If you are concerned about this, though - note that most veterinarians use a two-stage protocol. The first stage is sedatives and anti-anxiety meds for your animal, which will usually allow them to sleep very deeply. The second stage is what will ultimately help them to pass. So, you can ask to stay through the first stage, after which the animal is unconscious, and they will not usually be aware that you have left.

 

[Umbran]

Cat photos and stories make the situation worse or better?

Always welcome! Celebrate your pets!

 

[Zardnaar]

This is my nephew cat.

Met him 2021. He wasn't in the best shape. Wounds, bit thin. He was raiding our cats food bowl. Suspected he was a stray. Friendly. Kept an eye on him for several weeks. Put him on the local Facebook missing pets groups.

Covid restrictions were still going. Once relaxed went door knocking a d leaflet dropped two block radius.

He was living at a local school. They put him on the missing pets pages as well. Neighbors said he had a hone and was dumped when people moved. Alot of rentals now are no pets. His sister was adopted by people behind us.


He had some nice markings. Turns out he had been on the Facebook group 3 times. The school had been looking after him to some extent but he was hunting birds in front of the kids. Teachers scored him an A+ for attendance, A+ for friendliness, D for leaving the birds alone.

He got a forever home and smooches on everyone now. Lots of cattitude. SiL adopted him. 8 year old nephew named him Stoney. Hes an equal opportunity moocher.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I haven’t been present for the deaths of all my pets, but I have for all but one over the past 20 years*. It hurts- I’m tearing up a bit as I write this- but I personally think they were comforted by my hugs, pats & words.




* she passed in her sleep, cookie under her paw.

 

[Umbran]

The cat got her first dose of chemotherapy back on Monday.

She seems to have tolerated it pretty well. Her food intake dropped a bit, which was expected, but it may be heading back up already, which is nice. But, we have to do it once a week for three or four weeks, which is a lot, and she may tolerate it less well as it goes on. After that burst, we step back to once every three weeks for maintenance, and hope it keeps her cancer under control for a while, at least.

Today was rough for me, though. Basically, I woke up sad, and just stayed down all day. As I told my wife, it just... weighed heavy on me today. Since it was heavy on her yesterday she understood. And, it'll probably be like that until this is done. Some days are just going to be downers, and I have to get through them.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving, will at least be busy, if not better. It'll be hard to be thankful for much.

Side note: When your pet gets chemotherapy, they are full of toxins. They become toxic little furballs. Their wastes too. So if you have to go through something like this - lots of cat litter to change boxes every day. And gloves.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Several months ago, someone left a backyard gate open and our grrrl escaped. The morning after a terrible night, someone found her in a drainage ditch and called us to come get her. I saw where she’d been trapped. She almost died.

Tonight, someone left both of our backyard gates open, and she got out again. Instant flashbacks to her prior escape, near-panic, etc.

Fortunately, she didn’t go far. After a few minutes of searching, she emerged from some bushes in front of our northern neighbor’s lawn. I wrangled her back into the house.

But I’M still agitated. SHE’S still agitated. We can’t get her to settle down.

This may be a difficult night.