Driddle
Are you poking fun at us
Just for that - you have to read this:
Frankenburry
The Crack Parade
The wind blows chilly on winter nights when the temperature drops below 30 and a drizzle occurs. Yet it is summer and warm. It is night however. And a dark night it is. Or would be, except the moon is full and casting a bluish noir light across the entire city. Even the shadows are blue it is so blue. Purplish is more like it. Hazy purple shadows. Everything is gritty also, there are lots of chains dangling around and broken stuff everywhere. There is so much broken stuff in the alleys that bums have a difficult time finding comfortable boxes to sleep in. Everything is old also; there are old cars, old trains, old hats and antique looking old black lacy clothes everywhere.
Louigies House of Pasta sits in the oldest part of the town. Cobbled roads busy with traffic form a maze of old world transylvanian charm around Louigies which is heavily accented by a new interstate overpass that stretches overhead - which is even busier than the cobbled roads below. Inside this innocuous restaurant are a myriad of odd characters of little import to this story or plot but simply here to add a sense of decadent preternatural horror. Louigie himself, in all his gargantuan glory, waddles back and forth from table to table to honor his most esteemed and ferocious guests, the dreaded ‘mosses.’
The mosses, so named by their eternal enemies, the Vampires, or snaggle teeth as the mosses are wont to call them, gather here once a month to celebrate Monday Night Football. But it is Tuesday night and that means foul things are afoot or they are using last years calendar to set up appointments and meeting dates.
Luscious, the leader of the mosses in this war raging with the blood sucking gap toothed dandy freaks, gathered his pack of ravenous wearwolves and wearpups together to plot and plan a twisted and devious manner in which to pull the wool over the eyes of the pesky vamps and their sidekick tramps and lay them to waste. However, Luscious is sorta of dimwitted, having never attended an institute of higher education nor, for that matter, ever even having learned to read. (Often his friends would comment on his lack of knowledge. “What, were you raised by a pack of wolves.” This was often followed by bowls full of jelly like laughter - and then a slaughter, Luscious does not like being made fun off, especially when it comes to his education and grooming habits.) Being about as intelligent as a tree stump infested with termites, Luscious’ plan consisted of little more than, “Hey lets get together sometime and kill us some vamps and tramps.”
The mosses were losing the war. At least they seemed to be losing the war but it seemed also that with every plot twist they were staging a comeback of one sort or another. These comebacks had been going on for nearly 2 billion years or ten thousand books or so and seam unlikey to ever end - the comebacks that is, not the plot twists because they are sorta being rehashed since they have all been tried. What they are doing now is refining the twists.
It is all these plot twists that brought the monster.... but I am getting ahead of myself.
Right now Louigies was under the watchful eye of a mistress of the night, a vampiress. Wrapped in tight leather garments that clung to her like skin like grease on a monkey showing every sleek curve, she hung upside down on a metal girder sticking out of an old church belfry. Though she was supposed to be watching Louigies for signs of activity, in fact she was staring at a pile of rumpled clothing, leather boots, guns and ammunition that spilt onto the streets below when she turned into a bat. Selena (a French Canadian by birth) often forgot about the effects of changing into a bat. “And to think,’ she thought to herself, “I bought those boots yesterday, $500.00 down the drain. And how on earth am I going to get oil and gas stains off that leather, guess I’m shopping tomorrow. I know, I’ll get Francie and Marcie to go to Saks and that other cool place down on Broadway. Ohh they’ll just love it, it has all these neat little rings and gadgets I can use to pierce every single square inch of my body and we can stop and get hair cuts and...” and on and on and on.
Selena really didn’t like changing into a bat. Bats stink, and no matter how much perfume she wore, she still stank as a bat. Also, when she changed back to human form there was always a little bat stench that lingered around her. She also felt a burning desire to eat mosquitoes when in bat form. Yet the circumstance required the change. She needed to hide and there is no better place to hide than an old belfry since they are generally nasty, grimy, dark, greasy, roach infested malignant pits of human despair which are rarely, if ever, visited. “Uggg I hate this job.”
“What?’ her beautiful male sidekick chirped in bat. “I said I could eat a Bob.”
“Ohh, hey can you see anything?”
“No, but if you listen real carefully you can hear some roaches crawling on my new boots.”
“Ohh yeah, hey where did you get those, they look real good on you, real sexy and all. I think I’ll get a pair for my honey bunch.”
And so the conversation went. Repeating it would be pointless.
“Hey Selena.”
“Yes Joe.”
“Can you see anything?”
The two bats were supposed to watching for suspicious activity but, being bats, they couldn’t see anything. In this way, the vamps missed the monster as it sidled out of the bluest shadow and slowly made its way across the cobbled road.
Meanwhile, across town in a deserted mansion inhabited by one of the Twelve Vampire Clubs, sat Odious Stensh, the eldest of the Elders, munching on a piece of human blood pie, cooked up in the Houses’ ancient brick ovens and covered in strawberry jam, these pies were known world round for their deep flavor and salty taste.
“Hmmm, scrumpdileicious...” Cawed the nearly toothless old codger.
Continued in the Next issue of .... THE SEEKER.... Muahahaha
There are folks who pre-ordered it then and have kept their orders despite the massive delay. 
