Having said all that, here's the real problem: I've asked his family members how they typically deal with him, and they just usually let him spout off and have his way because in the end, they've come to understand, this is just easier. Fighting him gets nowhere, and at least if you concede you keep everything moving. ...Sadly, this attitude conflicts with the very core of my entire personality. When I see him acting like an ass, I tend to have the opposite reaction - I tend to try to make him see why he's wrong or to fight against letting the (as I see it, anyway) pouting child have his way. This only leads to more conflict, conflict.
So my question to the community is this: how can I appease this situation, please almost if not everyone, and at the same time not completely violate my own principles.
Ok. This is coming from a lawyer, so take my analysis in the spirit that it’s given
1. Without violating your own principles? In these circumstances, you can’t. So give that up right off.
2. You are in a situation when the ordinary social mores and rules that govern games and gaming and interpersonal relationships do not work as they should. They have been artificially ousted by larger family concerns.
3. Family forces us frequently to make choices about how we treat others within it differently than how we treat others in a non-family situation. Sometimes we stick to our principles and feuds erupt. Given the long-term fallout and difficulties those sorts of rifts can create in families, we are frequently called to question the real importance of the controversy at issue and we decide to put up with a problem we otherwise would not.
Sure we can dress it up as a question of principles, but if you do - before you know it, you are Cpt. Picard in his ready room shouting “this far, no further”.
Reality is usually a lot less clear than that. Usually, the controversy in issue is not worth causing a family rift over.
And while you are not wholly in that situation – you certainly have more than one big toe in that pool. Indeed, you seem to be in up to the waist.
So really- best to back down on “the principles”. I deal with “principles” every day – and when you are trying to settle something the “vaunted principle” at issue is the first thing that needs jettisoning and fast. It just gets in the way of peace.
4. The easiest way to deal with it as you have outlined is to seize upon his falling on the sword and leaving as your *acceptance* that he no longer wants to participate in the campaign. Deal with the matter by considering it having been dealt with. He quit. Accept it. Do nothing further – simply don’t include him in your games and don’t let him know they are being held. If challenged upon it – explain that as far as you knew he had already killed himself and quit by leaving. There was nothing more to say – it had already been said and you didn’t want to hut his feelings or cause any difficulty between him and his family members by embarrassing him. A white lie, but a plausible one. If you are lucky – you’ll get away with that long enough that it will stick by default.
5. If not – you can either continue as you were or create a scenario in game where the same situation will inevitably arise. Provoke him subtly in a reasonable manner so as to cause him to quit. As long as you go about this in a manner where you aren’t overtly being the bad guy – no family rift will develop if he quits again. His family members will apologize for him when he leaves and you are in the clear.
Given his attitude, there has to be a number of traps you can come up with that will provoke such a response. “Oooops.” Be sly and outthink him and he’ll get frustrated and walk. He’s already demonstrated the capacity for that. You just need to find that button again without being obvious about it and you are in the clear.
(Seriously, though: either a) he'd do it, and it would be worse, or b) he'd shuf off that on "I don't know the rules well enough," and absolve himself of responsibility there.)
