GuardianLurker
Adventurer
One more well-wisher for a happy Bday Berandor.
Ceramic DM -- Fall '06 ** yangnome wins! **
- Thread starter Rodrigo Istalindir
- Start date
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 2 Judgements
maxfieldjadenfox
Yangnome
Cat Fight
A hard-bitten detective story, with a RuPaul twist.
Picture Use:
The penguin as drop location is a great use of the picture. Quite ingenious! (although I’m with PETA on this one…) The dye vats, well used, but not necessary to the story. Could have as easily been a foundry or a sewage treatment plant. And I do wish Ari’s name had been Horatio…Sialia’s picture is amorphous, but you did a good job convincing me that it was Lady D, a safe, and a rifle through night vision goggles. The leap through space stretched a bit for me, but since you had set it up before with your description of the murals, I’ll take it. All in all, damned strong picture use in my opinion.
OK, I figured out that we were talking drag queens as soon as we got to the club. Of course I actually sang at a drag funeral (ask me about it sometime) so I’m probably pretty aware of such things. It was funny, and silly. Canukistan made me laugh too.(I love our neighbors to the north!) I am not at all sure why Mick is in the story. Well, OK, to set up the penguin joke, sure, but then he’s gone. I think it would have been more effective to have him as a recurring character. There were a lot of characters for such a short story. I don’t know that they were necessary either, but you did an admirable job giving them individual voices. A few typos, and some redundant bits, but a fun read.
Guardian Lurker
Dye Job
Exploding penguins, the lottery, and men in black.
Picture Use:
Another exploding penguin. That’s just…weird. I’ll give you the penguin because it might or might not be a vision, but the man with a sword and a marble slab is kind of antithetical to CDM since it’s described as a vision. The dye vats picture use is OK, but once again, it played no part in the story beyond giving her a place to hide. The cable slide picture was a bit better, as there was a reason for it.
The story is strange, but the idea is really neat. I had to read it a second time before I got that she’s dead, and that this is some sort of purgatory type place (or heaven). But the men in black with guns didn’t make sense to me. Had she done something wrong in life and gotten sent to heaven accidentally? I’m all for tales that require active participation from the reader, and I don’t need to be spoon-fed, but I would have liked a bit more guidance here, reasons, whatever. It seems like if she had some flashes that were clearer through the course of the story, the pay off would have been more satisfying. As it was, I kind of went, huh?
Both of these stories had things to recommend them, but Yangnome’s picture use was stronger and his story held together better. Judgement for Yangnome.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Yangnome
This was a neat story. It grabbed me early and had me smiling to myself throughout. The penguin scene is beautiful and totally unexpected. The overall style has a kind of Joe Friday staccato rhythm that really works and keeps the pace brisk. You do a good job of keeping your cards close to your chest and not revealing things until the dramatically appropriate moment.
A couple minor quibbles. There are a number of awkward phrasings and grammatical errors that detract from the overall quality of the writing, mistakes that I'm sure would have been caught were it not for the time limit. Little things like reusing a phrase twice in rapid succession ("ear to the ground"), or leaving out quotes for dialogue, nothing major.
Picture use is superb. The penguin is perfect Ceramic DM -- clever, unexpected, and it creates a memorable scene. The dye vats, too, worked out very well. It helped to establish the Ari character while riffing on the spy and fashion themes. The 'night vision' use was clever as well, going for something a little less obvious than a ghost or specter but not stretching things beyond the point of credibility, and also working in some of the less obvious elements (the block as the safe, for example). The zip-line was solid, but perhaps would have been better served being a picture of the hero instead of the villain, first because you had already specified Lady Daffodil as bald, second because showing a picture of the main character enhances the overall story. Also, there was a little confusion on my part as to the gender of the main character (was that intentional?) and setting things up one way and then revealing the truth in the picture would have worked very well.
GuardianLurker
Ok, what is it with exploding penguins? Did I not get the memo?
Here we have a eerie, ambiguous story. The main character is sketched with thoughts and memories, making her seem somewhat ephemeral -- appropriate, given the conclusion. There are some nice touches, like the pidgin-English in the vision and at the dye shop, that increase the sense of unease.
The pace is a little too break-neck, I think. We never get into Melissa's head, don't get enough time with her for her to come alive as a character. The nature of the hallucinations seems a bit off, too. What's the old adage -- "If you doubt your sanity, then you must be sane" ? Melissa recognizes the penguin for what it is, but doesn't with the men in black. If this is a sign she's getting worse, it progresses too quickly, I think. And is the ledge that's really a spot of moss another hallucination, or an honest mistake?
There are all the makings of a great story here, but I think it needs another pass to tighten it up and make the transition from normality to lunacy a little more subtle.
The picture use doesn't help much. As mentioned previously, hallucinations and dreams and such can weaken the effects of the pictures, because those states of mind lack any requirement for internal consistency. A vision of a penguin on the beach is wierd but not especially hard to integrate -- it could have been a polar bear or reindeer or anything. A real penguin on the beach tales more creativity to explain away convincingly. Still, it was unexpected, and if I wasn't expecting one exploding penguin, I sure wasn't expecting two! The ghost with the mirror/tombstone is much, much better, and a great way to both use a picture multiple places in the story, and to mitigate the negative aspects of dreams by making it possible to interpret multiple ways. The zip-line as a means of death is effective, but it could have used a better set up earlier in the story. Bonus points for setting up the change in hair-color with the dye vat scene.
Exploding penguins aside, we have two very different stories here. I found GuardianLurker's story intriguing and kind of haunting, but ultimately unsatisfying. yangome's story, while a little rough around the edges, had excellent picture use and good pacing that carries the day.
Judgement for yangnome, who advances 2-0
maxfieldjadenfox
Yangnome
Cat Fight
A hard-bitten detective story, with a RuPaul twist.
Picture Use:
The penguin as drop location is a great use of the picture. Quite ingenious! (although I’m with PETA on this one…) The dye vats, well used, but not necessary to the story. Could have as easily been a foundry or a sewage treatment plant. And I do wish Ari’s name had been Horatio…Sialia’s picture is amorphous, but you did a good job convincing me that it was Lady D, a safe, and a rifle through night vision goggles. The leap through space stretched a bit for me, but since you had set it up before with your description of the murals, I’ll take it. All in all, damned strong picture use in my opinion.
OK, I figured out that we were talking drag queens as soon as we got to the club. Of course I actually sang at a drag funeral (ask me about it sometime) so I’m probably pretty aware of such things. It was funny, and silly. Canukistan made me laugh too.(I love our neighbors to the north!) I am not at all sure why Mick is in the story. Well, OK, to set up the penguin joke, sure, but then he’s gone. I think it would have been more effective to have him as a recurring character. There were a lot of characters for such a short story. I don’t know that they were necessary either, but you did an admirable job giving them individual voices. A few typos, and some redundant bits, but a fun read.
Guardian Lurker
Dye Job
Exploding penguins, the lottery, and men in black.
Picture Use:
Another exploding penguin. That’s just…weird. I’ll give you the penguin because it might or might not be a vision, but the man with a sword and a marble slab is kind of antithetical to CDM since it’s described as a vision. The dye vats picture use is OK, but once again, it played no part in the story beyond giving her a place to hide. The cable slide picture was a bit better, as there was a reason for it.
The story is strange, but the idea is really neat. I had to read it a second time before I got that she’s dead, and that this is some sort of purgatory type place (or heaven). But the men in black with guns didn’t make sense to me. Had she done something wrong in life and gotten sent to heaven accidentally? I’m all for tales that require active participation from the reader, and I don’t need to be spoon-fed, but I would have liked a bit more guidance here, reasons, whatever. It seems like if she had some flashes that were clearer through the course of the story, the pay off would have been more satisfying. As it was, I kind of went, huh?
Both of these stories had things to recommend them, but Yangnome’s picture use was stronger and his story held together better. Judgement for Yangnome.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Yangnome
This was a neat story. It grabbed me early and had me smiling to myself throughout. The penguin scene is beautiful and totally unexpected. The overall style has a kind of Joe Friday staccato rhythm that really works and keeps the pace brisk. You do a good job of keeping your cards close to your chest and not revealing things until the dramatically appropriate moment.
A couple minor quibbles. There are a number of awkward phrasings and grammatical errors that detract from the overall quality of the writing, mistakes that I'm sure would have been caught were it not for the time limit. Little things like reusing a phrase twice in rapid succession ("ear to the ground"), or leaving out quotes for dialogue, nothing major.
Picture use is superb. The penguin is perfect Ceramic DM -- clever, unexpected, and it creates a memorable scene. The dye vats, too, worked out very well. It helped to establish the Ari character while riffing on the spy and fashion themes. The 'night vision' use was clever as well, going for something a little less obvious than a ghost or specter but not stretching things beyond the point of credibility, and also working in some of the less obvious elements (the block as the safe, for example). The zip-line was solid, but perhaps would have been better served being a picture of the hero instead of the villain, first because you had already specified Lady Daffodil as bald, second because showing a picture of the main character enhances the overall story. Also, there was a little confusion on my part as to the gender of the main character (was that intentional?) and setting things up one way and then revealing the truth in the picture would have worked very well.
GuardianLurker
Ok, what is it with exploding penguins? Did I not get the memo?
Here we have a eerie, ambiguous story. The main character is sketched with thoughts and memories, making her seem somewhat ephemeral -- appropriate, given the conclusion. There are some nice touches, like the pidgin-English in the vision and at the dye shop, that increase the sense of unease.
The pace is a little too break-neck, I think. We never get into Melissa's head, don't get enough time with her for her to come alive as a character. The nature of the hallucinations seems a bit off, too. What's the old adage -- "If you doubt your sanity, then you must be sane" ? Melissa recognizes the penguin for what it is, but doesn't with the men in black. If this is a sign she's getting worse, it progresses too quickly, I think. And is the ledge that's really a spot of moss another hallucination, or an honest mistake?
There are all the makings of a great story here, but I think it needs another pass to tighten it up and make the transition from normality to lunacy a little more subtle.
The picture use doesn't help much. As mentioned previously, hallucinations and dreams and such can weaken the effects of the pictures, because those states of mind lack any requirement for internal consistency. A vision of a penguin on the beach is wierd but not especially hard to integrate -- it could have been a polar bear or reindeer or anything. A real penguin on the beach tales more creativity to explain away convincingly. Still, it was unexpected, and if I wasn't expecting one exploding penguin, I sure wasn't expecting two! The ghost with the mirror/tombstone is much, much better, and a great way to both use a picture multiple places in the story, and to mitigate the negative aspects of dreams by making it possible to interpret multiple ways. The zip-line as a means of death is effective, but it could have used a better set up earlier in the story. Bonus points for setting up the change in hair-color with the dye vat scene.
Exploding penguins aside, we have two very different stories here. I found GuardianLurker's story intriguing and kind of haunting, but ultimately unsatisfying. yangome's story, while a little rough around the edges, had excellent picture use and good pacing that carries the day.
Judgement for yangnome, who advances 2-0
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Ok, maxfieldjadenfox and I read GuardianLurker's story *completely* differently. I read it as Melissa winning the lottery, abandoning her family for a jet-set life, and going mad from guilt.
Of course, I still don't get 'Hills Like White Elephants' either. Maybe I need remedial English Lit classes.
Of course, I still don't get 'Hills Like White Elephants' either. Maybe I need remedial English Lit classes.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Ain't it cool? I love the English language, it's so ambiguous. I'm curious to know what GuardianLurker really meant, but I think it's great that there's more than one possible interpretation...Rodrigo Istalindir said:
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Rodrigo Istalindir
Roger:
This is an interesting story, short and sweet. The framing around the flashback is economical but effective, and the ending unexpected. That's hard to do in such a short story, but here it's very well done. The conversational tone in the flashback fits well and the prose flows nicely.
The real drawback here is the brevity. There's little depth to the characters, and little reason for the reader to develop any emotional interest in the story. Eliminate Linda, and give Bill and Shane a deeper history -- siblings, college roommate, something -- and you'd achieve a stronger impact with the conclusion.
Picture use is good. The doctor in the beginning is kind of a throw-away, since the central element of the picture (the goggles) don't really play a part. The mushrooms are a central element to the story, and using the color of the spots to tie in the name, etc., is a good touch. The beach scene is off, though -- if the beach is 'pristine', what are the two umbrellas doing there? The demon and bird use is clever. You did a good job of setting up the hallucination with the story, and it doesn't feel forced, which is a common problem with dream type scenes in Ceramic DM.
Linderel:
Here we have an unlikely protagonist. Shelly's lassitude is conveyed by the writing very effectively -- sitting heavily, smiles flitting, etc. There is something about Shelly that strikes a chord - I think everyone has those days where they just want to lie on the sofa in their pajamas and ignore the world. The setup is pretty good at establishing the characters.
The rest of the story doesn't pan out, though. There are tantalizing bits, but just when you think something significant is going to happen, things jump forward. The childhood scene with the mushrooms, for example. I kept waiting for that to factor into later events. The parts describing Shelly's kidnapping and the actions of her attacker are well done, but there seems to be no overall method to the madness, as it were, no sense of motive.
Picture use suffers from the same detachment, and an over-reliance on dreams. Dreams, hallucinations, virtual reality, all these are permissible ways to use pictures in Ceramic DM, but they lack the impact of pictures that describe the here-and-now. The glasses picture establishes Shelly's love of opera, but the rest of the story doesn't really make that important. As mentioned, the mushroom picture and scene would have been more effective if there was some tie-in the present events. The dream of the ocean and the demon-bird are throw-aways, with nothing to integrate it with the rest of the story.
Linderel's story has some potential, and I was looking forward to a seeing how Shelly progressed, but the story seemed disjointed, and the pictures didn't serve to propel things forward. Roger has an interesting little story, albeit a little short, with a nice twist, and very good picture use.
Judgment for Roger
maxfieldjadenfox
Roger
Cardinal Sins
A cure for cancer, and a drug trip gone horribly awry.
Picture Use:
Magnifying glasses, OK. Yes, they work in a n hospital setting, but I expected them to DO something. They are mentioned in passing but aren’t used. Beach, sets up the location, but once again, comes and goes quickly without having much impact. Mushrooms are the true inciting incident and I like to tie to the red bird picture. Red bird is used to good effect, comes up multiple times before the climax.
Cannibalism is creepy. I’m guessing it was the mushrooms, not the human flesh that cured the tumor though, right? Right? I liked the O’Henry twist at the end. Seems like lots of CDM entries do that, but this is done nicely. The story telling style flows well and keeps active. Pretty cool.
Linderel
Untitled
A depressed introvert, a kidnapping and a conversion.
Picture Use:
Picture use is pretty weak overall. The binoculars and their connection to opera were a good start, but I wanted more. Why did she love opera? Could it have shown up during her captivity? The red bird is used as a dream. A CDM no no. The mushrooms tie to the current mushroom soup, and in a longer story would be OK, but here they don’t advance the action or show much of Shelly’s character. The beach is also a dream or vision, which in the context of the story I could forgive if it tied to anything else…
I think you missed some opportunities here. The story idea is a strong one, but the execution needed work. (Yes, I’m aware of the time constraints!) Shelly, as a character, grows, and that is good. I would have liked to see more about why she turned into this antisocial, apathetic person. The scene with the mushrooms would have been a good place to do this, and you started, but didn’t quite go far enough. Now, all that being said, I liked the overall flow of the story, and I was concerned with whether Shelly would get out, which means the character managed to be likeable despite her apathy. I think it has potential.
Yeah, this is all too convenient, but I liked both of these stories. Both had issues, but both also had merits. Roger’s picture use was slightly better overall. Judgment to Roger by a hair.
Roger advances, 2-0.
Roger:
This is an interesting story, short and sweet. The framing around the flashback is economical but effective, and the ending unexpected. That's hard to do in such a short story, but here it's very well done. The conversational tone in the flashback fits well and the prose flows nicely.
The real drawback here is the brevity. There's little depth to the characters, and little reason for the reader to develop any emotional interest in the story. Eliminate Linda, and give Bill and Shane a deeper history -- siblings, college roommate, something -- and you'd achieve a stronger impact with the conclusion.
Picture use is good. The doctor in the beginning is kind of a throw-away, since the central element of the picture (the goggles) don't really play a part. The mushrooms are a central element to the story, and using the color of the spots to tie in the name, etc., is a good touch. The beach scene is off, though -- if the beach is 'pristine', what are the two umbrellas doing there? The demon and bird use is clever. You did a good job of setting up the hallucination with the story, and it doesn't feel forced, which is a common problem with dream type scenes in Ceramic DM.
Linderel:
Here we have an unlikely protagonist. Shelly's lassitude is conveyed by the writing very effectively -- sitting heavily, smiles flitting, etc. There is something about Shelly that strikes a chord - I think everyone has those days where they just want to lie on the sofa in their pajamas and ignore the world. The setup is pretty good at establishing the characters.
The rest of the story doesn't pan out, though. There are tantalizing bits, but just when you think something significant is going to happen, things jump forward. The childhood scene with the mushrooms, for example. I kept waiting for that to factor into later events. The parts describing Shelly's kidnapping and the actions of her attacker are well done, but there seems to be no overall method to the madness, as it were, no sense of motive.
Picture use suffers from the same detachment, and an over-reliance on dreams. Dreams, hallucinations, virtual reality, all these are permissible ways to use pictures in Ceramic DM, but they lack the impact of pictures that describe the here-and-now. The glasses picture establishes Shelly's love of opera, but the rest of the story doesn't really make that important. As mentioned, the mushroom picture and scene would have been more effective if there was some tie-in the present events. The dream of the ocean and the demon-bird are throw-aways, with nothing to integrate it with the rest of the story.
Linderel's story has some potential, and I was looking forward to a seeing how Shelly progressed, but the story seemed disjointed, and the pictures didn't serve to propel things forward. Roger has an interesting little story, albeit a little short, with a nice twist, and very good picture use.
Judgment for Roger
maxfieldjadenfox
Roger
Cardinal Sins
A cure for cancer, and a drug trip gone horribly awry.
Picture Use:
Magnifying glasses, OK. Yes, they work in a n hospital setting, but I expected them to DO something. They are mentioned in passing but aren’t used. Beach, sets up the location, but once again, comes and goes quickly without having much impact. Mushrooms are the true inciting incident and I like to tie to the red bird picture. Red bird is used to good effect, comes up multiple times before the climax.
Cannibalism is creepy. I’m guessing it was the mushrooms, not the human flesh that cured the tumor though, right? Right? I liked the O’Henry twist at the end. Seems like lots of CDM entries do that, but this is done nicely. The story telling style flows well and keeps active. Pretty cool.
Linderel
Untitled
A depressed introvert, a kidnapping and a conversion.
Picture Use:
Picture use is pretty weak overall. The binoculars and their connection to opera were a good start, but I wanted more. Why did she love opera? Could it have shown up during her captivity? The red bird is used as a dream. A CDM no no. The mushrooms tie to the current mushroom soup, and in a longer story would be OK, but here they don’t advance the action or show much of Shelly’s character. The beach is also a dream or vision, which in the context of the story I could forgive if it tied to anything else…
I think you missed some opportunities here. The story idea is a strong one, but the execution needed work. (Yes, I’m aware of the time constraints!) Shelly, as a character, grows, and that is good. I would have liked to see more about why she turned into this antisocial, apathetic person. The scene with the mushrooms would have been a good place to do this, and you started, but didn’t quite go far enough. Now, all that being said, I liked the overall flow of the story, and I was concerned with whether Shelly would get out, which means the character managed to be likeable despite her apathy. I think it has potential.
Yeah, this is all too convenient, but I liked both of these stories. Both had issues, but both also had merits. Roger’s picture use was slightly better overall. Judgment to Roger by a hair.
Roger advances, 2-0.
GuardianLurker
Adventurer
Well, let's see if I can satisfy that curiousity.maxfieldjadenfox said:
The key picture for me was the man with a sword and the marble slab. Despite the "No visions" thing for CDM, it was too abstract for me to think of it in any other way. The other complicator was the penguin. As I said in the story, penguins don't belong on beaches with people in shorts. Together, the two meant it wasn't going to be a straight-forward tale. Strangely enough, it was the dye vats that gave me the most trouble.
The story is set in some form of afterlife. The initial setup is Melissa's subconscious mind providing a rationalization for what would otherwise be a strange situation. As too what kind of afterlife, that's intentionally ambiguous - I myself don't know really. Inspiration was drawn heavily from the movie Jacob's Ladder and Connie Willis' book Passages.
Originally, the man was an Angel, the marble slab a door in the cliff, and it was a story about a woman's transition from life to the afterlife (heaven), with the penguin being a spirit guide. But that was predicated on the "angel" being last in the sequence (penguin, vats, slide, angel). Originally, the slide was going to send Melissa through the door, where she'd meet the angel on the other side. But when I wrote the story, the angel ended up being a vision engendered by the exploding penguin. Which changed it around dramatically.
It's still a story of a transition. It's still set in a afterlife. There's still a metric load of symbology in there. The pacing is actually kind of intentional - from the moment the penguin explodes Melissa's running for her life, without time to think, and with no clues why. I also wanted to keep it ambiguous. So every time I thought I had settled on something definite, I made myself flip it to the other side. Is the penguin helpful, or a homocidal traitor? Are the men in black angels or devils? Is Melissa tricked into fleeing heaven, or are we just seeing the thoughts of a dying mind? I don't know, and I very carefully kept myself from knowing.
The only real answers I can provide is that in version two the ledge is illusory. It's not really there. And the thick fluid that Melissa wipes from her forehead (and never looks at) is blood.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
I figured the thick fluid was blood, and I really enjoyed Passages. It's a big story to fit into just a few pages, huh? Thanks for the explanation, and a good read, Guardian Lurker.
Berandor
lunatic
The phone rang.
All the gnupfs turned to look at me as I turned to look at the phone. The phone rang again. It had a nice old-fashioned ring, and it stood on a small desk next to the altar. It rang again.
"Should I, you know, answer?"
The gnupfs just stared at me. Lady Death shimmered in the candlelight. I started to sweat. The phone rang again. I finally went over and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Berandor? Is that you?" It was Herreman.
"Thank God," I said. "You must come home."
"Yeah," Herreman said. "I'll be home shortly. Until then, though... the contest's started, and I was hoping... you know."
"You were hoping someone else would sacrifice souls to Lady Death this time? Someone, maybe, who entered your home out of worry and got stuck with an evil scythe and her annoying minions?"
"Well... when you put it like that: yes."
I cursed. "I'm stuck here, Herreman. Come quickly. Please."
"I'll hurry," he said. "But if I don't make it in time for the finals–"
"You'll have to make it," I interrupted.
"Yeah, and I will. But if I won't – someone will come and pick up Lady Death."
"Who?"
"You'll know him when you see him."
"Listen–," I began. I heard a clicking sound. Herreman had hung up. Between the two of us, he really was the wise one.
I put the phone down and turned around. The gnupfs still stared at me.
"Oh, for frak's sake," I said. "Hand me the stories."
The first pair to land in my hands was Roger vs. Linderel.
"I'm always hesitant at latecomers. I mean, if you don't want to seem like something Erics Grandma wouldn't like to hear, you have little choice but to allow your opponent's to count. It's one thing if he's just a few minutes late, but almost a day? Still, here we are, so let's see whether Linderel used all the time he had."
The gnupfs listened intently, almost comically so. They were planning something, of that I was sure. Still, I continued.
"Linderel's story does a marvelous thing. It begins with a sleepy woman, and it seems there's a mystery about her sleepiness, and about the guy who sends her money. And while I'm trying to fit the pictures into that idea, suddenly she's kidnapped, and the story takes a turn into darker and totally unrealated territory. Cool.
"It's still too easy. Shelly falls asleep, is punched out, wakes up in a cage. She sleeps. Some time later, she only wears underwear anymore. She sleeps. The police rescue her somehow. She takes a bath in the apartment she somehow gets the money for, and then you tell us she's starting new. If you really want to do this story, you have to make Shelly's kidnapping gruesome. It probably is, but we don't see it. Describe how she has to eat out of a dog's bowl. How she has to beg to be let go to the toilet. You don't have to go full torture on us, but we need a little more than a haze of half-remembered dreams to make us really care for her.
"In the end, don't tell me in a sentence why she keeps her kidnapping secret, and what she's planning to do. Show us. If, that is, you intend this to be a good ending. The way I see it, it's depressing as hell. Shelly wants to clean her apartment – tomorrow. She wants to live life to the fullest – by falling back on her trodden paths, going to the opera, taking a bath, napping. To me, even a kidnapping couldn't shake her out of her laziness. And that's sad, if realistic.
"Roger. A creepy tale, and it's very well constructed. I had guessed that the tumor would be gone in the end, but I thought perhaps the mushroom would simply work that way. I really enjoyed the narrative voice you employ there, it's disticntive and fun to read. A very nice idea of having two deadly ill people try and enjoy life. I suspected all the time that the tobacco girl had a hidden motive for her deeds, like finding a cure for cancer and making her father's company ultra-rich, or simply annoying Daddy by paying for cancer patients' vacations. It seems her generosity was as mysterious as the stranger's in Linderel's story.
"If there's anything I would criticise, it's pacing. It's over so quickly, we can't really get into the story enough to make us really feel the horror at the end. If we'd gotten to know the other two better, or if the shroom eating night was developed further, I think the story might be stronger for it. You don't really need dialogue the way you tell it, but I'd still want more. And I'd work to make the final sentence seperate from the penultimate one, to give us just one more pause before you hit us. He ate his buddies, and he's imprisoned. But hey – he's cured! The double meaning that he'll be kept locked up for a long time, and that he traded his health for his friends' lives would need a little more drama, I think."
Two gnupfs went over to Linderel's side, and three of the little buggers made their way to Roger's side.
"The pictures. Let me first say that I love Sialia's pictures, not only on their own merits, but also for what they do with the stories. Me, I tend to stick closely to the pics, but Sialia's images really allow me and other writers to interpret what they see, and use the pictures as they see fit. It's thus that I feel Sialia's pictures are often the strongest, most personal uses of an entry, but I also expect them to be.
"Here, we have the mushroom vision of a bedeviled Linda, and a somewhat prophetic dream. I liked the image of words becoming butterflies when spoken, very nice, especially since that's probably the least I'd expect to see from a devil. It's also the one image hinting at a dark turn, and maybe allowing us to see why Shane killed his friends. The eating - not so much, though. In Linderel's story, at first the dream struck me as random, but it's really Shelly seeing herself in her precious butterfly form encountering the devil and barely escaping – what happens later on. It also keeps her in butterfly form, which strengthens my interpretation that a few months from now, Shelly will be back to her old self. I think Linderel's use fuels the story more, if only on a second read.
"The woman with glasses... Roger gives us the Navy girl, who frames the central story, but isn't really important. Linderel shows us his - well, we can't really say protagonist, because Shelly does nothing, really – ready to go to the opera. The glasses are, otherwise, unimportant, and the fact that Shelly likes opera doesn't hint at anything, either, as far as I can see. It's kind of a draw in weak use, perhaps a small point to Linderel.
"The empty beach: To Roger, it's a paradisical place which will soon turn to Hell, and it's at once a nice twist in the imagery as well as it's important that the place is far-off so the story can unfolg unhindered. Linderel gives us another dream. It's alright to use dreams for pictures, but it's difficult to do right and easy to do it wrong. Here, I think the interpretation of Shelly's soul being a desert, but with the possibility of becoming a beach, is nice, but heavy-handed. It doesn't work, as such, which is why Linderel throws in a clear statement about what's going on, telling us directly. But knowing that it doesn't really work is no help. The idea is cool, but in execution, I think this picture is slightly weaker than Roger's.
"Which brings us to the Shrooms. Roger makes them the center of his tale, at once devilish source of cannibalism and magical cure for cancer. I'd prefer to read a little more about their power (see above). On the other hand, the small story about cardinals ties to the title and is just one of a few minor details I really enjoyed. Linderel has Shelly be sort-of allergic to mushrooms since a bad childhood experience, but it's not clear the shrooms do anything else. It's his weakest use."
I breathed, and then I looked at the scoreboard. Roger: 5 gnupfs. Linderel: 4.
"Well," I said. "It was a close one, but this time it seems the early bird got the worm."
I pierced Linderel's story on the Lady's blade. The gnupfs high-fived each other. Then, they went silent. They looked at me – no, behind me. I turned, and there were two gnupfs, dragging a bottle of – German beer! I rushed over to those two heroic creatures and grabbed the bottle. It was slightly warm, but that wasn't important. The gnupfs had even opened the bottle for me. Sighing in anticipation, I–
Wait a minute. I regarded the gnupfs. They smiled. Even the one I'd pushed over the edge. Actually, his smile was the broadest. Warm beer, open bottle – these nasty buggers! I let my bebottled arm sink, and now it was my turn to smile.
"You almost got me. But you didn't. And from now on, things will be different around here. First off, bring me a new beer. Cold, unopened. And some snacks."
The gnupfs started to protest.
"If you don't, I'll spray you with whatever it is that is in this bottle."
The protest died down immediately.
"Good. Get going. Meanwhile, I'll grab myself a chair and start reading... yangnome vs GuardianLurker, it seems. Alright."
A good ten minutes later, I was finishing my beer and chewing on a tasty pretzel.
"So," I said, my mouth still full, "let's see.
"Both stories had a nice premise, and to me they're typical Ceramic DM entries because with a little more time, their flaws could have been ironed out, but then without Ceramic DM, who would write these?
"GuardianLurker, die job, I mean, Dye Job yanked me around. The twist was totally unexpected, which is cool. But if you think about it... So Melissa didn't win the lottery, right? She died. And now she's – in Paradise? Maybe, but that doesn't matter. What matters is seemingly her regaining the knowledge of her death, and then... dying again? being resurrected? Going to hell? And the black guys are after her to help her, so that's why they storm her room armed with guns? And why do they all speak in crazy speech? And what the heck is with the penguin?
"The other possibility would be to take it at face value, so Melissa has premonitions of her death (induced by the penguin), and she still can't escape her death. She'd had the chance (the penguin warning her of the three lethal dangers), but she doesn't. If so: why do the people talk crazy? Why/how did she forget her husband and son? For that matter, how did she forget the holiday, not care about the chamicals she bathed in, or that people vanished right in front of her eyes? And what's with the exploding penguin, anyway?
"Either way I look at it, your story reads well and intrigues, until it ends with a twist, a splat and a nonsensical whole.
"yangnome, first off, there were several spelling mistakes in your story. These can spell the downfall for an entry, especially as you advance past round one and the matches get closer. Here, we have a story that sounded good in your head, I'm sure, and I like the idea. But you don't sell it. You play coy with us by keeping all details away from us, yet spelling The Queen and making us note that something's wrong. I don't think the reveal is worth it. It would be better to set this thing into the world of drag queens right away, so we can enjoy the flamboyance without trying to catch hints at whether The Queen is a formian or a plant or what. Also, the final sentence is wodden as a barn.
"The story flows, of course, but there really isn't much tension or anything. Until SuzieQ, our protagonist just gets all the info she can get and needs, and getting SuzieQ to talk is done by telling us it's done. The only conflict is a literal one, and then the action is muddled and confusing, in part because you still don't want to tell us about the drag queens (though by then, the secret's pretty much out of the closet). I also wonder how Lady Daffodil opened the safe in darkness.
"Which brings us to some other questions. What's with the exploding penguin? Alright, here I can accept it somewhat as being part of a very silly story. But why a penguin? The explosion, alright, but penguins? And why go to a guy who takes care of bodies when you want to know about drag queens? What should he know about it? I guess Jorge might know because he's in the scene, but Ari?
"Anyway, your story is still the stronger one, on account of it retaining some sense on a second read. I really think both of you got hit by the time limit, and there is a good story in there, perhaps even a great one. Alas, next time, perhaps."
I looked at the gnupfs. Two of them were massaging my feet, and one was brushing little pieces of pretzel off my chest. Two more just returned with my second beer.
"What are you waiting for? Get to scoring!"
The practically jumped onto the altar and lined up, though I could hear some mumbling, and I even saw a tiny finger pointed at me behind another gnupf's back. I had to be careful. I'd give them a chance, and they'd rebel. After a short discussion among the gnupfs, two of them went over to GuardianLurker's side, and three sauntered over to yangnome.
"The pictures. That'll be difficult. Okay, start with the obvious: Why an exploding penguin? Why? With yangnome, at least I get the exploding part, whereas GuardianLurker just throws me for a loop. Sialia's art: It's Lady Daffodil, seen through night vision goggles. Nice one, and Daffodil is important. It's also a knight with a sword, nay, a man with flowers, nay, Melissa's husband with her son. This is something I liked about GL's story, because he uses different interpretations of the pic, but they all fit thanks to Sialia. Well done, and of course this pic is, either way, the motivation for Melissa's adventure. The dye vats... okay, the casks are a good way to hide. So judging by that admission, GuardianLurker wins this because Melissa has to hide, whereas yangnome's use might fit the idea of a spy story, but not the actual story itself. The cliffs: It's the end of Melissa's travels, that's for sure. On the other hand, it's Lady Daffodil railing alongside a nightclub painted to look like outside. I liked how yangnome mentioned the wall paintings a few paragraphs before the picture appeared, so it sort of came together to make sense (like it would have made sense to mention the holiday in GuardianLurker's story beforehand). It is, too, the climax of the story. In the end, because yangnome's protagonist rails down, too, and because the implementation was nicely done, I'd give this picture to yangnome. GuardianLurker's sudden ending with the moss didn't really fit with a cable rail fitted to that spot."
The gnupfs had shuffled over even while I was speaking, and it was a clear victory for yangnome, 5-4.
"Well done, yangnome, but whether next round's a final, or not, you'll have to put another log on the fire."
I took another pretzel and began chewing as I slid GuardianLurker's entry on Lady Death. While the gnupfs partied, I sat back down and pointed at my feet. Two gnupfs immediately started the massage again. Now that I thought about it, perhaps this judging thing wasn't so bad, after all?
All the gnupfs turned to look at me as I turned to look at the phone. The phone rang again. It had a nice old-fashioned ring, and it stood on a small desk next to the altar. It rang again.
"Should I, you know, answer?"
The gnupfs just stared at me. Lady Death shimmered in the candlelight. I started to sweat. The phone rang again. I finally went over and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Berandor? Is that you?" It was Herreman.
"Thank God," I said. "You must come home."
"Yeah," Herreman said. "I'll be home shortly. Until then, though... the contest's started, and I was hoping... you know."
"You were hoping someone else would sacrifice souls to Lady Death this time? Someone, maybe, who entered your home out of worry and got stuck with an evil scythe and her annoying minions?"
"Well... when you put it like that: yes."
I cursed. "I'm stuck here, Herreman. Come quickly. Please."
"I'll hurry," he said. "But if I don't make it in time for the finals–"
"You'll have to make it," I interrupted.
"Yeah, and I will. But if I won't – someone will come and pick up Lady Death."
"Who?"
"You'll know him when you see him."
"Listen–," I began. I heard a clicking sound. Herreman had hung up. Between the two of us, he really was the wise one.
I put the phone down and turned around. The gnupfs still stared at me.
"Oh, for frak's sake," I said. "Hand me the stories."
The first pair to land in my hands was Roger vs. Linderel.
"I'm always hesitant at latecomers. I mean, if you don't want to seem like something Erics Grandma wouldn't like to hear, you have little choice but to allow your opponent's to count. It's one thing if he's just a few minutes late, but almost a day? Still, here we are, so let's see whether Linderel used all the time he had."
The gnupfs listened intently, almost comically so. They were planning something, of that I was sure. Still, I continued.
"Linderel's story does a marvelous thing. It begins with a sleepy woman, and it seems there's a mystery about her sleepiness, and about the guy who sends her money. And while I'm trying to fit the pictures into that idea, suddenly she's kidnapped, and the story takes a turn into darker and totally unrealated territory. Cool.
"It's still too easy. Shelly falls asleep, is punched out, wakes up in a cage. She sleeps. Some time later, she only wears underwear anymore. She sleeps. The police rescue her somehow. She takes a bath in the apartment she somehow gets the money for, and then you tell us she's starting new. If you really want to do this story, you have to make Shelly's kidnapping gruesome. It probably is, but we don't see it. Describe how she has to eat out of a dog's bowl. How she has to beg to be let go to the toilet. You don't have to go full torture on us, but we need a little more than a haze of half-remembered dreams to make us really care for her.
"In the end, don't tell me in a sentence why she keeps her kidnapping secret, and what she's planning to do. Show us. If, that is, you intend this to be a good ending. The way I see it, it's depressing as hell. Shelly wants to clean her apartment – tomorrow. She wants to live life to the fullest – by falling back on her trodden paths, going to the opera, taking a bath, napping. To me, even a kidnapping couldn't shake her out of her laziness. And that's sad, if realistic.
"Roger. A creepy tale, and it's very well constructed. I had guessed that the tumor would be gone in the end, but I thought perhaps the mushroom would simply work that way. I really enjoyed the narrative voice you employ there, it's disticntive and fun to read. A very nice idea of having two deadly ill people try and enjoy life. I suspected all the time that the tobacco girl had a hidden motive for her deeds, like finding a cure for cancer and making her father's company ultra-rich, or simply annoying Daddy by paying for cancer patients' vacations. It seems her generosity was as mysterious as the stranger's in Linderel's story.
"If there's anything I would criticise, it's pacing. It's over so quickly, we can't really get into the story enough to make us really feel the horror at the end. If we'd gotten to know the other two better, or if the shroom eating night was developed further, I think the story might be stronger for it. You don't really need dialogue the way you tell it, but I'd still want more. And I'd work to make the final sentence seperate from the penultimate one, to give us just one more pause before you hit us. He ate his buddies, and he's imprisoned. But hey – he's cured! The double meaning that he'll be kept locked up for a long time, and that he traded his health for his friends' lives would need a little more drama, I think."
Two gnupfs went over to Linderel's side, and three of the little buggers made their way to Roger's side.
"The pictures. Let me first say that I love Sialia's pictures, not only on their own merits, but also for what they do with the stories. Me, I tend to stick closely to the pics, but Sialia's images really allow me and other writers to interpret what they see, and use the pictures as they see fit. It's thus that I feel Sialia's pictures are often the strongest, most personal uses of an entry, but I also expect them to be.
"Here, we have the mushroom vision of a bedeviled Linda, and a somewhat prophetic dream. I liked the image of words becoming butterflies when spoken, very nice, especially since that's probably the least I'd expect to see from a devil. It's also the one image hinting at a dark turn, and maybe allowing us to see why Shane killed his friends. The eating - not so much, though. In Linderel's story, at first the dream struck me as random, but it's really Shelly seeing herself in her precious butterfly form encountering the devil and barely escaping – what happens later on. It also keeps her in butterfly form, which strengthens my interpretation that a few months from now, Shelly will be back to her old self. I think Linderel's use fuels the story more, if only on a second read.
"The woman with glasses... Roger gives us the Navy girl, who frames the central story, but isn't really important. Linderel shows us his - well, we can't really say protagonist, because Shelly does nothing, really – ready to go to the opera. The glasses are, otherwise, unimportant, and the fact that Shelly likes opera doesn't hint at anything, either, as far as I can see. It's kind of a draw in weak use, perhaps a small point to Linderel.
"The empty beach: To Roger, it's a paradisical place which will soon turn to Hell, and it's at once a nice twist in the imagery as well as it's important that the place is far-off so the story can unfolg unhindered. Linderel gives us another dream. It's alright to use dreams for pictures, but it's difficult to do right and easy to do it wrong. Here, I think the interpretation of Shelly's soul being a desert, but with the possibility of becoming a beach, is nice, but heavy-handed. It doesn't work, as such, which is why Linderel throws in a clear statement about what's going on, telling us directly. But knowing that it doesn't really work is no help. The idea is cool, but in execution, I think this picture is slightly weaker than Roger's.
"Which brings us to the Shrooms. Roger makes them the center of his tale, at once devilish source of cannibalism and magical cure for cancer. I'd prefer to read a little more about their power (see above). On the other hand, the small story about cardinals ties to the title and is just one of a few minor details I really enjoyed. Linderel has Shelly be sort-of allergic to mushrooms since a bad childhood experience, but it's not clear the shrooms do anything else. It's his weakest use."
I breathed, and then I looked at the scoreboard. Roger: 5 gnupfs. Linderel: 4.
"Well," I said. "It was a close one, but this time it seems the early bird got the worm."
I pierced Linderel's story on the Lady's blade. The gnupfs high-fived each other. Then, they went silent. They looked at me – no, behind me. I turned, and there were two gnupfs, dragging a bottle of – German beer! I rushed over to those two heroic creatures and grabbed the bottle. It was slightly warm, but that wasn't important. The gnupfs had even opened the bottle for me. Sighing in anticipation, I–
Wait a minute. I regarded the gnupfs. They smiled. Even the one I'd pushed over the edge. Actually, his smile was the broadest. Warm beer, open bottle – these nasty buggers! I let my bebottled arm sink, and now it was my turn to smile.
"You almost got me. But you didn't. And from now on, things will be different around here. First off, bring me a new beer. Cold, unopened. And some snacks."
The gnupfs started to protest.
"If you don't, I'll spray you with whatever it is that is in this bottle."
The protest died down immediately.
"Good. Get going. Meanwhile, I'll grab myself a chair and start reading... yangnome vs GuardianLurker, it seems. Alright."
A good ten minutes later, I was finishing my beer and chewing on a tasty pretzel.
"So," I said, my mouth still full, "let's see.
"Both stories had a nice premise, and to me they're typical Ceramic DM entries because with a little more time, their flaws could have been ironed out, but then without Ceramic DM, who would write these?
"GuardianLurker, die job, I mean, Dye Job yanked me around. The twist was totally unexpected, which is cool. But if you think about it... So Melissa didn't win the lottery, right? She died. And now she's – in Paradise? Maybe, but that doesn't matter. What matters is seemingly her regaining the knowledge of her death, and then... dying again? being resurrected? Going to hell? And the black guys are after her to help her, so that's why they storm her room armed with guns? And why do they all speak in crazy speech? And what the heck is with the penguin?
"The other possibility would be to take it at face value, so Melissa has premonitions of her death (induced by the penguin), and she still can't escape her death. She'd had the chance (the penguin warning her of the three lethal dangers), but she doesn't. If so: why do the people talk crazy? Why/how did she forget her husband and son? For that matter, how did she forget the holiday, not care about the chamicals she bathed in, or that people vanished right in front of her eyes? And what's with the exploding penguin, anyway?
"Either way I look at it, your story reads well and intrigues, until it ends with a twist, a splat and a nonsensical whole.
"yangnome, first off, there were several spelling mistakes in your story. These can spell the downfall for an entry, especially as you advance past round one and the matches get closer. Here, we have a story that sounded good in your head, I'm sure, and I like the idea. But you don't sell it. You play coy with us by keeping all details away from us, yet spelling The Queen and making us note that something's wrong. I don't think the reveal is worth it. It would be better to set this thing into the world of drag queens right away, so we can enjoy the flamboyance without trying to catch hints at whether The Queen is a formian or a plant or what. Also, the final sentence is wodden as a barn.
"The story flows, of course, but there really isn't much tension or anything. Until SuzieQ, our protagonist just gets all the info she can get and needs, and getting SuzieQ to talk is done by telling us it's done. The only conflict is a literal one, and then the action is muddled and confusing, in part because you still don't want to tell us about the drag queens (though by then, the secret's pretty much out of the closet). I also wonder how Lady Daffodil opened the safe in darkness.
"Which brings us to some other questions. What's with the exploding penguin? Alright, here I can accept it somewhat as being part of a very silly story. But why a penguin? The explosion, alright, but penguins? And why go to a guy who takes care of bodies when you want to know about drag queens? What should he know about it? I guess Jorge might know because he's in the scene, but Ari?
"Anyway, your story is still the stronger one, on account of it retaining some sense on a second read. I really think both of you got hit by the time limit, and there is a good story in there, perhaps even a great one. Alas, next time, perhaps."
I looked at the gnupfs. Two of them were massaging my feet, and one was brushing little pieces of pretzel off my chest. Two more just returned with my second beer.
"What are you waiting for? Get to scoring!"
The practically jumped onto the altar and lined up, though I could hear some mumbling, and I even saw a tiny finger pointed at me behind another gnupf's back. I had to be careful. I'd give them a chance, and they'd rebel. After a short discussion among the gnupfs, two of them went over to GuardianLurker's side, and three sauntered over to yangnome.
"The pictures. That'll be difficult. Okay, start with the obvious: Why an exploding penguin? Why? With yangnome, at least I get the exploding part, whereas GuardianLurker just throws me for a loop. Sialia's art: It's Lady Daffodil, seen through night vision goggles. Nice one, and Daffodil is important. It's also a knight with a sword, nay, a man with flowers, nay, Melissa's husband with her son. This is something I liked about GL's story, because he uses different interpretations of the pic, but they all fit thanks to Sialia. Well done, and of course this pic is, either way, the motivation for Melissa's adventure. The dye vats... okay, the casks are a good way to hide. So judging by that admission, GuardianLurker wins this because Melissa has to hide, whereas yangnome's use might fit the idea of a spy story, but not the actual story itself. The cliffs: It's the end of Melissa's travels, that's for sure. On the other hand, it's Lady Daffodil railing alongside a nightclub painted to look like outside. I liked how yangnome mentioned the wall paintings a few paragraphs before the picture appeared, so it sort of came together to make sense (like it would have made sense to mention the holiday in GuardianLurker's story beforehand). It is, too, the climax of the story. In the end, because yangnome's protagonist rails down, too, and because the implementation was nicely done, I'd give this picture to yangnome. GuardianLurker's sudden ending with the moss didn't really fit with a cable rail fitted to that spot."
The gnupfs had shuffled over even while I was speaking, and it was a clear victory for yangnome, 5-4.
"Well done, yangnome, but whether next round's a final, or not, you'll have to put another log on the fire."
I took another pretzel and began chewing as I slid GuardianLurker's entry on Lady Death. While the gnupfs partied, I sat back down and pointed at my feet. Two gnupfs immediately started the massage again. Now that I thought about it, perhaps this judging thing wasn't so bad, after all?
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