Ceramic DM - Spring 2005 (Late Bloomer) - We have a winner.

BSF · Jun 21, 2005

Welcome back Tad! Now go back and read all the stories that were posted.

BigTom · Jun 21, 2005

Berandor, thanks for your commentary. My reply is in the spoiler box.

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Andor is 17, not quite a boy and not fully grown into manhood. I wanted him right on the cusp, as this is his real passage into manhood. You are right though, more descriptives were needed.
The king luring him into the next room was an editing gaffe. What was supposed to happen was that the next room had an illusionary floor. Since the king could float, he could cross it. Seeing the trap was what was supposed to alert Andor. However, time ran short and I did this way to fast.
You are also right about the abrupt ending. I do have an epilogue to the story, and will post it after judgements. At 3am when I was finishing writing, I realized I was still over 5000 words. Losing the epilogue cut it down just enough, and at that point seemed like the best solution.
My real problem was, the story was really about 7000 words long and I crammed it into 5000 words for the contest.
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Berandor · Jun 21, 2005

BigTom: That makes sense. [sblock]I didn't count the words, of course, or it would have been clear what happened

I'm looking forward to reading the epilogue.[/sblock]

Hellefire: Thanks again! You put a lot of work into your comments, and I'll try not to make similar mistakes again. Very, very helpful!

tadk: I'll read the story now, but comments will come tonight sometime probably.

By the way, I dreamt the judgements had been posted. Talk about addicted.

Eeralai · Jun 21, 2005

chit chat

Disillusionment: I read Berandor's story Sunday night (I'm trying to read one from each set of pics) and had a few comments to offer:

[sblock] I think my comments are going to sound more like someone reading it for a book club rather than from a writer. I always like your writing style and have said before how amazed I am that English is a second language to you and not your first. I so wanted this story to end on a happier note. Maybe it was because I still hadn't gotten over the ending for Hellefire's story, but I think there was a little more to it than that, and I finally figured out what that was while packing up some more boxes.

No one else has commented on the Alice and Wonderland similarities, so maybe I am way off base here. But when she delves into Sharon's mind, she sees Sharon as a little girl who has cried a river of tears, like Alice, and runs into the two sunflowers that seem very much like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum from Alice. Their banter does that is. So I think this scene led me to believe that she was going to wake up, just as Alice had. It's your story to write as you want, I am merely making an observation.

The story pulled me in though, because it was all about mind scapes and souls and those are some of my favorite topics. As with Hellefire's story, I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I definitely wanted to read more, and was pulled right along by it. Thanks for sharing it! [/sblock]

Berandor · Jun 21, 2005

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I think my comments are going to sound more like someone reading it for a book club rather than from a writer. I always like your writing style and have said before how amazed I am that English is a second language to you and not your first.

Thank you. And "book club" is fine; if my writings were talked about in a book club I'd be supercalifragilisticexpialidocus!

No one else has commented on the Alice and Wonderland similarities, so maybe I am way off base here. But when she delves into Sharon's mind, she sees Sharon as a little girl who has cried a river of tears, like Alice, and runs into the two sunflowers that seem very much like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum from Alice. Their banter does that is. So I think this scene led me to believe that she was going to wake up, just as Alice had. It's your story to write as you want, I am merely making an observation.

Wow. I haven't picked up on that analogy, but it's there. Cool! Your expectations were correct, even though I should have made it more clear (a definite flaw of my story). Only it's Cassie who wakes up, who gets disillusioned. I wanted to put it in the story, at least, but I'm not sure it's actually there.

The story pulled me in though, because it was all about mind scapes and souls and those are some of my favorite topics. As with Hellefire's story, I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I definitely wanted to read more, and was pulled right along by it. Thanks for sharing it!

Thanks for commenting on it. I'm not one for sweet endings, I must admit, more for bittersweet ones (or in this case, bitter). If I advance, and if I choose to continue Cassie's story, I hope she'll have at least a bittersweet finish.[/sblock]
And now nudge your husband a little, so the judgements get underway

BSF · Jun 21, 2005

I am almost there Berendor. I just finished the basic writeup for Firelance's story. Now I need to wrap it all up and consolidate with the other judges. But it is very late for me and I am tired. I would rather make you wait for now. Otherwise I may make a mistake somewhere. Better to have a bit more patience.

Berandor · Jun 21, 2005

Pfft. Mistakes! It's not my round, so mistake away

No problem. I was just kidding, anyway. The real begging for judgement will come later

Berandor · Jun 21, 2005

tadk, I read your story. Remember that English is not my first language, and read on if you will

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I'd call your story a typical "first round"-story. People haven't yet adapted to Ceramic DM's time requirement, and some things get rushed. There's a lot of good here, but also some bad. First off, it's confusing. You mix up the tenses and use pronouns that have no correlation in the narrative. When you introduce a character without descirption simply as "he" or "she", I have nothing to hold on to. Who are we talking about? There were one or two instances where you even talk about a group of people and then continue with "she", and not "them". Clarity is extremely important in a story.
Second, you use a lot of metaphors and similes, as well as other evocative vocabulary. That's not bad in itself; for me, it became too much to compute. It's just sensory overload. Imo you need a few simple sentences in there to tell me what's actually going on. Or some dialogue to break the spell.
That said, each paragraph in itself was tremendously enjoyable and atmospheric. I just couldn't get through the whole story at once. And I'm not sure what exactly happened, but that might be me (remember the second language thing). I also didn't recognize what happened in speaker's story. In any case, thanks for sharing

And let me reiterate that I really, really enjoyed the "steampunk"/"cyberpunk" atmosphere here.
pictures
Aaargh! I looked for the wrong pics! See my apology later on!
I can't really place all the pictures into the story. In the actual contest, if you have problems with links, try something else to denote a picture. For example "Henry stepped on a snail (snail pic)." Or "Henry picked on a snail (1)" with a foot note explaining "(1)=snail pic". Or even just a foot note: "snail pic: Henry stepping on a snail."
I noticed the tiger was used in the hunting sequence, and I guess it was a robot tiger controlled by the doctor, but I'm not sure. As I said, the plot or your story remains a little foggy to me.
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I hope that helps.