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DarkMatter D20: Drunk Southern Girls with Guns ... UPDATED - 8/18/05!

What would you like to see in the DarkMatter campaign?

  • Cthulhu, baby

    Votes: 66 23.7%
  • More anal probing!

    Votes: 66 23.7%
  • Rather less anal probing, thank you.

    Votes: 33 11.9%
  • Deeper Conspiracy theory stuff

    Votes: 84 30.2%
  • More traditional monster/horror tone

    Votes: 29 10.4%


First Post
Having just finished reading this story hour in its entirety: it totally rocks. :D

I can't wait for the next update, but I'll try not to whine too much about wanting one. Keep up the excellent work, and thank you. :)

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First Post
Asking to much...

Quick question,
Would it be pushing it to get you to post your notes for your homebrew games somewhere?
I'd love to run those on my group!


KidCthulhu said:
Elph, I can highly recommend the PirateCat Experience (why does that sound like a bad 70's band?). Is one of the layers of seven layer dip evil? That's PC's favorite flavor.

And sure, he's evil. But he's an honest, sincere evil. Plus, I do all the game baking, so you'd be off the hook for the evening.

The PirateCat experience sounds more like a thrill ride in Six flags Ms. C, :) I've missed reading the Drunk southern girls with guns story hour, hope it's going well. Have you switched it to D20 Modern ?


First Post
Chapter 8

“What the hell is Majestic 12?” asked Jo.

“You missed my lecture on Major Power Conspiracy Networks back at the Insititute?” Denis asked, disappointed.


Ross pulled her back as she took a swing. “Just the basics again, please.”

“Majestic 12 is an outgrowth of the original military and governmental panel which dealt with the Roswell Incident and further UFO contacts during the ‘50’s. They used the secrets they discovered from these studies to grow more powerful than the nation they started out serving. They are extra-governmental, answering to either ‘no one’ or a cabal of similar organizations scattered around the world, depending on your sources.” Denis popped open his laptop and called up a convoluted flowchart. “They are the big bad, the bogeymen of military intelligence. Some think they’ve actually cut a deal with the aliens, but that’s unconfirmed. The only thing we’re sure of is that they are the very front line of the cover-ups. Most ‘Men in Black’ sightings are Majestic 12 agents.”

“Like our buddy from FEMA in Zombietown?” asked Andy.

Denis shook his head. “Affiliated, maybe, but much, much higher than the New World Order conspiracy cell which FEMA operates.”

Stephen frowned. “Okay, this makes no sense. She travels around with the FBI’s leading paranormal true believer. This guy’s at the forefront of revealing the Truth –“

“No, no, now it finally, finally after years, makes PERFECT sense!” Denis was excited. He pulled up copies of Malloy’s files he’d filched from the FBI databases. “I mean, when you read these things, Sully’s always walking in just after something happened, so she can’t confirm the supernatural, or some crucial piece of evidence just happens to go missing. What were the odds? You see, this finally explains why, even after years of painstaking research, Malloy can’t prove his theories – Sully is secretly sabotaging him.

The Agents considered this for a moment. “That’s so sad,” mused Andy, “considering that they’re sleeping together.”

“They are not sleeping together,” Jo snapped.

Ross turned to Denis. “At the very least, you’re not going to sleep with her now.”

“I’m not following you.”

“She’s a deadly agent of a vast international conspiracy whose very nature is betrayal and death.”

Denis frowned. “Annnnnd she’s hot. So –“

Stephen brought them back to the point. “So we don’t share info with them. But do we stay up here on the case? I mean, the kids aren’t missing anymore.”

“And don’t forget the whole anal coring thing,” Andy piped up. “Not a fan of that.”

Ross nodded. “I say we do a straight sweep. Talk to all the witnesses one more time –“

“—we’ve yet to talk to the brother, Eliot,” Jo reminded them. “He says he was home the entire night when the three older boys investigated the UFO, but we’ve got no confirmation.”

“Exactly,” Ross agreed. “I think we ought to really go over that school again, too, seeing as that’s where the bodies were. I mean, you think about it, that last kid had his brain experimented on for a considerable length of time in that school boiler-room. The janitor died after the kids went missing, so odds are he walked in on the festival of cranial fun and got himself killed –“

“And cored,” Andy said. “I cannot remind you of this enough. I may get t-shirts made up for us to wear.”

“Whatever did this was holed up in the basement of the school for a while,” Denis frowned. “Why choose that place? Why not somewhere more isolated?”

“Then it’s agreed. Tomorrow we start at the beginning and turn over all the rocks.” Jo checked the clips on her nine-mils out of habit. She kissed each one. “You’re going to keep Mommy safe, aren’t you? Yes you are. Yesss you are, you widdle beauties …” The others masked their reactions perfectly.



Ross pointed to the list of books. “Advanced algebra. Calculus, the Gnostic Gospels. Young Eliot here is not just bright, he’s creepy.”

All morning the Agents had pored over the coroner’s reports and witness statements. They’d passed arcane tracking devices over the scorched circle in the cornfield. Finally, as afternoon fell, they split up. Stephen and Denis were covering the last of the town leads. Jo and Andrew were next to Ross in the school library. They looked dubious. “I know you’re from Texas, and are therefore suspicious of anyone who reads for pleasure –“ Andy began.

“Ha frikkin’ ha. You heard the Sheriff. Eliot got picked on by the older boys. He’s bookish, shy – I’m thinking Eliot whipped up some mojo and went Harry Potter on his brother’s @ss.”

(DM’s Note: Ross’ exact words.)

“Okay, Jo and I are going to perimeter sweep the school grounds. You talk to the kid.”

Ten minutes later, Ross was walking across the high-school’s quad with the Eliot. He ducked under a decoration – oh, that’s right. Today was Halloween. Frankly, walking among cardboard ghosts and tissue-paper pumpkins, Ross felt a bit foolish. Eliot was pasty, with a wet cough, but he was polite and kind of charming in a weird way. He answered every question, had a good memory and called Ross “sir.” Ross closed his notebook. Frankly, now he was just fishing. “You’re sure you didn’t see or hear anything even on the days after your brother disappeared.”

“To be honest, sir, I was taking care of Gertie.” Eliot seemed embarrassed. “Mom kind of drinks when she gets upset, so, you know …”

Ross shook his head. Man, this kid was growing up too fast. All these kids were. What happened to the world? When –

“Ross?” Ross turned. Andy and Jo were standing ten feet away. They were staring at him.

“Oh, hey guys. Meet Eliot.“ Ross gestured down. The boy was gone. Ross turned around slowly. “Now wait a sec, he was just here, he couldn’t have gotten out of sight so fast …”

“He wasn’t here.” Jo stepped forward. She felt Ross’ forehead.

Ross shook his head. “No, I just pulled him out of class –“

Andy drew his own gun, kept it at his hip. “Ross, you went to talk to Eliot an hour ago. We just found you staring off into space.”

Ross didn’t even hesitate. He snatched his cel off his belt, switched it over to the radio frequency. “Saddle up the headsets and check you ammo. The kid’s got mental powers and he’s pulled a runner.”

As the trio ran back into the school, Andy nudged Jo. “Hey, maybe you can duel him with your psi powers.”

“Yes,” Jo grumbled back. “I’m sure my incredible ability to kinda-sorta-see-the-past-some-of-the-time is the equal to his mind-raping star-spanning alien brain assault. I’ll certainly keep him from blowing up my head like a potato in a microwave. Yay.”

“What if you punched holes in your head with a fork before you met him?” Jo stared at Andy. “Like … you know ... potato in a microwave …”

“I hate you.”


Afternoon was transforming to evening by the time the Agents returned to the town square. They’d started at the school, trying to make sure none of the other kids were at risk. Eliot’s bicycle was gone from the school sidewalk. They’d driven out along the streets, swung by the forest, no luck. They pulled their cars over to confer.

“I think we should check the house,” Andy said.

“First place we’d look,” said Denis.

“But it wasn’t the first place we looked, because we knew he’d think it would be so we didn’t waste time on it,” Jo answered. She frowned. “Ow, being sober makes my head hurt.”

Stephen waved a file at them. “I may have something. I was reviewing the evidence lists as we were driving.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be looking for the kid on the bike?” Ross snapped.

“I can’t look out the window, I get carsick. Now shush.” He pointed to the report of the school janitor’s death. “The evidence list from his body was significant not because of what was there, but what wasn’t there. He drove to work, right? His old clunker was in the school parking lot.” Stephen showed them evidence inventory. “But his car keyring wasn’t on the corpse!”

The others nodded. “Nice,” said Denis. “What else was on the keyring? Eliot – assuming he was there at the death – didn’t take it so he could drive home, because the janitor’s car was, as you said, still in the parking lot.”

“The janitor was a car freak. He had a couple junkers he was restoring over in a garage across town.” Stephen showed them the address. “The garage is totally empty. It’s just storage. Could be a new hiding place, better than the school basement.”

Denis nodded. “Okay. Jo and Andy and I to the family house. You and Ross to the garage.” He hesitated, looking around. The first trick-or-treaters were walking the streets as the shadows fell. Concerned parents shepherded the youngest costumed kids from door to door. An angelic chorus of “trick or treats”, accompanied by the melodies of doorbells, wafted into the crisp fall air. “Could I request – no, beg for -- a modicum of discretion. There’s a whole town of witnesses strolling around.”

“Please, we are professionals.” With that, Ross KA-CHANKED a round into his sawed-off shotgun and drove off with Stephen. Denis looked to Andy and Jo for support.

“Hey, I’ll do my best,” shrugged Jo. “But remember, I am legally insane.”

Denis sighed.


First Post
Yeah! Great update!

Umm, wait a second, maybe I should read it it before doing my Horacio impersonation....

UPDATE: Done reading, doesn't change anything.
Last edited:


The EN World kitten
This one was more build-up than anything else, but that's just gonna make it all better for when the next part hits. Can't wait!


First Post
“And cored,” Andy said. “I cannot remind you of this enough. I may get t-shirts made up for us to wear.”

that was great!
sick and dememted, but great.
Keep it up. its not often that reading somthing makes me squirm but this sure did.


Old Drew Id

First Post
Really funny update. ( I am so addicted to this thread. )

I have to tell you, reading this story hour is what initially inspired me to actually write up my group's SH, and you definitely set the bar nice and high as well.

Good job, jonrog

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