Deep Thoughts

[reveal]

1. Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where`s the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Isn`t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

14. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

15. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

16. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

17. Is it true that cannibals don`t eat clowns because they taste funny?

18. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

19. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

20. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

21. How is it possible to have a civil war?

22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

24. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot at them?

26. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

27. Where are we going? And what`s with this hand basket?

28. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn`t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

29. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

30. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren`t
going as ghosts but as mattresses?

31. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

[ph34r]

Those are pretty funny.

 

[mojo1701]

LOL yeah...

Wait, ALGEBRA! HA HA!

 

[jonesy]

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

What is the speed of dark?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways is Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are preparations A through G?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at the carpet?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a bunch of purples.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

 

[Xath]

Hey...Number 24 was my sig for a long time. I claim ownership rights to any franchise made off of my intellectual property.

 

[Ferret]

Yeah! Very funny. Even I haven't heard some of those.

 

[Rel]

My favorite actual Jack Handey "Deep Thought" has always been: "If trees could scream, do you think we would be so cavalier about cutting them down? I'll bet we would if they screamed all the time, for no apparent reason."

 

[reveal]

My favorite actual Jack Handey "Deep Thought" has always been: "If trees could scream, do you think we would be so cavalier about cutting them down? I'll bet we would if they screamed all the time, for no apparent reason."

I always liked that Family Guy scene where Peter's in that circle of trees and he starts talking to them.

Peter: If you guys fall in the forest and no one's around the hear, do you make a sound?

Tree: Why don't you ask Phil? He hasn't shut up all week.

Phil (a fallen tree): Someone HELP ME!