Do you tell pretty girls that they're pretty?

[Rel]

Ones that you're not trying to bed I mean.

I had this situation come up yesterday that I've encountered a few times over the years and I'm just wondering how other people handle it and how they feel about it within the context of their own relationships.

I was out of town in the eastern part of the state doing a property inspection job and I stumbled across a "one stop shop". This is where you find a single individual who can not only give you all the info you need about the property you're looking at but also all the comparable properties nearby. I sat and talked with this girl (she was propbably in the neighborhood of 25) for 20-30 minutes and she was pleasant and helpful in a way that I don't encounter often enough. Somewhere during the conversation it also dawned on me that she was quite lovely.

This girl was hardly the supermodel seen in the media today. Her skin was pale with freckles high on her cheeks and she was slightly plump but in a very well proportioned way. Straight dark hair but it looked shiny and well cared for. Very pretty pale blue eyes with little or no makeup. Overall I got the impression of a girl who was somewhat pretty but was really making the most of what she had. And her warm and helpful demeanor made her all the more attractive.

This was fairly close to lunchtime and if I was single then I most certainly would have asked to take her to lunch on the pretense that I owed her for being so helpful. But I'm not single and that just wouldn't have been prudent. I expressed how thankful I was for her taking the time to give me all the info. As I was leaving I said, "In case nobody else tells you this today, you've got very pretty eyes." She gave me a big smile with a bit of a blush and sincere sounding "Thank you."

I was thinking about this incident on my ride home and a couple things struck me about it. First is that I'm not entirely certain that my wife would have been thrilled that I did this. She's not incredibly insecure or anything but having her husband going around telling women that they're beautiful is probably not high on her wish list. What she doesn't know won't hurt her though and if it made me feel nice to give the compliment and the girl nice to hear it, what's the harm? <-(Important question.)

The other thing that occurred to me was that I'd probably not have said anything if this girl was "drop dead gorgeous". It may have been no less true but when I see a girl who is smoking hot, I kind of figure that she gets told that on a pretty regular basis by her husband or boyfriend or the occasional batch of construction workers. I'm more inclined to pay such compliments to women for whom this might be a less common thing. Is that the height of arrogance? <-(Not very important question, but probably.)

So anyway, this is probably among the very least earth-shattering of threads here on OT, but I was wondering how other ENWorlders come down on this sort of situation. Compliments to Pretty Girls: Harmless Feel Good Gesture or Thinly Veiled Come On Bound To Make A Situation Awkward?

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

I am a compliment-giver. I am a person that, any time I find myself in conversation, attempts to compliment the person I'm talking to. Whether it be a physical attribute, apparel, or a characteristic of their personality. I figure, I really like hearing good things about myself, so other people must like it, too.

It's something I do for both sexes... so, the guys are work or school are just as likely to hear "Wow - you've got great lips!" as a girl is to hear, "Your shirt really brings out your skin's natural highlights!"

[double standard] Now... if it were my husband telling some chick she had nice eyes... I don't know how I'd feel about that. [/double standard]

The fact that you may not have given a compliment if the girl was like drop dead gorgeous really intrigues me, Rel. Just think that she doesn't deserve the compliment because she must get them all the time? Though, that's something that I really understand... as a compliment-giver, I frequently will try harder to give someone a compliment about their looks that isn't super-model pretty.

In the end, I think that what you did was very sweet and not at all a "thinly veiled come on..." If I were that girl, I would have felt better about myself without feeling like you were trying to get in my pants. I bet you made her day.

 

[nerfherder]

I see no harm in what you did. The girl would appreciate it (I know I do when a female friend compliments me) and you were not doing it to try and cheat on your wife.

You're right though that it's best not to say anything to your wife - it's human nature to feel at least a twinge of jealousy in her shoes, and what would be the point in doing that to her?

Cheers,
Liam

 

[Mista Collins]

I am a huge compliment-giver myself. I am not sure exactly why it happens, but I find myself doing more often than not.

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell your wife, but that is because I am in a relationship where I am very open with my gf. She knows I give many compliments and doesn't get jealous. I guess I am lucky to be with someone doesn't have that human nature .

Answer to the important questions: No it isn't harmful.

Answer to the not very important question: I still give the gorgeous ones compliments. Just because she is gorgeous doesn't mean she receives compliments. A lot of guys think the same thing you do when it comes to this, "I bet she gets compliments/hit on all the time." She probably doesn't receive many compliments about her personality as opposed to her looks.

 

[fusangite]

As I was leaving I said, "In case nobody else tells you this today, you've got very pretty eyes." She gave me a big smile with a bit of a blush and sincere sounding "Thank you."

My understanding of how inter-gender coded communication works suggests that this statement was actually one of the more flirtatious things you could have said. "Eyes" when physical appearance compliments are given out is almost always code for some other body part it would not be appropriate to compliment. Now, of course, sometimes "eyes" means "eyes" but I think significantly less than 50% of the time. You might want to consider that before you hand out this particular compliment again.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her though and if it made me feel nice to give the compliment and the girl nice to hear it, what's the harm? <-(Important question.)

I'm all for keeping necessary secrets from one's spouse. But this doesn't fall into that category. Every time you hand out a compliment like this, you are creating a new little secret you are keeping from your wife. I'm not sure you want to accumulate these.

I'm more inclined to pay such compliments to women for whom this might be a less common thing. Is that the height of arrogance? <-(Not very important question, but probably.)

Nope. It seems quite reasonable and considerate to give things like compliments to people who will appreciate them.

Compliments to Pretty Girls: Harmless Feel Good Gesture or Thinly Veiled Come On Bound To Make A Situation Awkward?[/b]

No idea here. I hate conversations that comment on how people look. I will compliment people on how they dress (provided the outfit looks intentional) because that's a choice they can make. I will compliment people on their obviously dyed hair (provided it is supposed to look obviously dyed) because that's a choice they can make. I don't compliment people on things about themselves they cannot control because there is nothing they can say back. And I hate it when people say anything to me about how I look (of course, I'm a guy so it's not really relevant here); it makes me very uncomfortable.

In my view, the purpose of words in a conversation is to create openings for the other person to say things. Talking to people about how they look does just the opposite. And I'm just not self-sacrificing enough to disrupt the rhythm of a conversation in the hopes that the compliment I give out will make the person feel better about themselves.

The fact that you may not have given a compliment if the girl was like drop dead gorgeous really intrigues me, Rel. Just think that she doesn't deserve the compliment because she must get them all the time?

Nobody deserves compliments. People who have more attributes worthy of complimenting are not necessarily people who deserve more happiness in life.

 

[Rel]

In my view, the purpose of words in a conversation is to create openings for the other person to say things. Talking to people about how they look does just the opposite. And I'm just not self-sacrificing enough to disrupt the rhythm of a conversation in the hopes that the compliment I give out will make the person feel better about themselves.

This is an interesting point and it actually ties in with another aspect of the situation. It's not like I go around firing off the "nice eyes" thing on a daily basis or anything but when I've offered such compliments, I always do it at the end of the conversation.

I understand that it can be a bit of a show stopper flinging out a compliment like that. She might take it as a come on and say, "I have a BOYFRIEND." (to which I'd reply, "I'd have been shocked if you didn't."). Or she might say, "I want you to take me fast and hard right on this desk!" (let's hope this doesn't happen). Hopefully she'll say, "It's very nice of you to say that. Thank you." Whatever happens, I'm ready to depart and leave any awkwardness in the dust.

If you give out compliments in the middle of a conversation while there is still obviously stuff to say, I think it is more likely to be interpreted as a come on and since it is not meant to be one then that would be bad. By dropping the compliment at the end I'm hopefully leaving her with the nice feeling that comes with being complimented without much (if any) obligation on her part. This (hopefully) turns it into a gift and not a negotiation.

As for the "eyes" being a metaphor for something else, she can take it that way if she likes (and she well might because her breasts were spectacular). But I did look her directly in the eyes throughout the conversation with the exception of when she walked across the room to grab a file, during which I was checking out her butt. Thankfully I've learned enough about women that I didn't compliment her by saying, "Your boobs and ass are fantastic and I assure you that, were I not married, I would delight in rubbing my face on them for hours."

 

[Umbran]

Setting aside, for the moment, that I'm basically a reserved person...

Still I'd not give such a compliment. As far as I'm concerned, if they aren't a potential romantic interest, their looks aren't terribly important. Whether or not I'm looking, I don't like the idea of basing an interaction on someone's body. If they tell me a funny joke, or are doing a neat drawing, or are showing a skill or ability that deserves a compliment, thats' a far different story.

I will disagree with fusangite, in that "eyes" only mean something else to those who have no style. Eyes, are important in and of themselves. They are the focus of the face, and invaluable communication tools. Having nice eyes is more than being attractive, it's being able to communicate attractivness and attractively.

My wife, for example, has georgeous eyes.

 

[Wormwood]

Ones that you're not trying to bed I mean.

Why bother, then?

/kidding
//kinda

 

[Rel]

Still I'd not give such a compliment. As far as I'm concerned, if they aren't a potential romantic interest, their looks aren't terribly important. Whether or not I'm looking, I don't like the idea of basing an interaction on someone's body. If they tell me a funny joke, or are doing a neat drawing, or are showing a skill or ability that deserves a compliment, thats' a far different story.

I think this is a valid position. And I want to make sure that I'm getting my point across properly. Most of the compliments I give are performance based. I spoke to another woman on the phone about the property I was inspecting and she too was helpful. So I expressed how thankful I was and how informative she had been and that I wished that everybody I worked with was as helpful. Also, I'll reiterate that most of my compliments to "Jennifer" (the one with the eyes) were based on how friendly and helpful she had been.

But I know a hell of a lot of women who feel best when somebody says, "You're pretty." None of this dawned on me at the time but I'll bet Jennifer hears "Thank you. You've been so helpful." a half dozen times a day. So maybe (and I might be vastly overstating the importance of my compliment) my "eyes" compliment was more impactful for its rarity. Here reaction was a little surprised, a little embarassed and a lot happy. I'd do it again given the chance.

 

[Rel]

Why bother, then?

/kidding
//kinda

It appears that Umbran agrees with you.