Rel said:
A risk where you have nothing to lose is not a risk.
Funny. I just helped my mother write a speech for a college graduation she was asked to address based around this exact theme. There's a great John Milton quote on this to the effect of 'there is no such thing as an untested virtue.'
That's what approaching a woman is about. You have nothing and stand to gain everything. There is no deal so sweet in all the universe as that. Confidence is not the notion that you'll win every encounter with womankind. Confidence is knowing that you'll SURVIVE FAILURE and try again.
Going by that definition, I am a very confident man. I set a minimum annual rejection quota for myself which I have met or exceeded every year for the past 5 years. I make sure that I risk rejection on a regular basis, based, precisely, on this understanding. For instance, I have been rejected by four women since September 15th just this year -- that's one every 2 weeks.
Do you think that other guys aren't afraid when they put themselves out there and strike up a conversation with a woman?
I think all people are afraid in these situations; I'm not positing a qualitative difference between sexually successful and sexually unsuccessful groups of men; I'm positing a quantitative one. Women will naturally gravitate towards the men who display the least anxiety; I happen to, through non-verbal, coded verbal and tone-based signals, all outside my direct real-time conscious control, to display a significantly above average level of anxiety.
Some people are just like that; their brains are wired to make them a little more anxious. In present day society, where social confidence is especially prized over wealth, strength and other, more traditionally important attractants, people who have less inherent talent in managing social anxiety find themselves at the bottom of the heap when it comes to dating. I'm not especially resentful of this; my brain may screw me when it comes to over-producing certain neurotransmitters but, on the other hand, I benefit intellectually, socially and professionally in other ways from my neurological makeup.
But they do it anyway because that's how you get past the fear and eventually how you find somebody to share this crazy life with.
I have practiced this theory very successfully in other areas of my life. But I think there is a key difference when it comes to dating, however. There are lots of fears where you can perform just fine, in spite of anxiety, because your task is something other than "don't be anxious." For instance, someone can succeed at giving a speech, even though they are nervous because people can still appreciate a good speech given by a nervous person. Similarly, non-romantic social interactions can still be successful even though one or both parties appears nervous; it is possible for women to like men non-romantically, even though they are nervous; but in the romantic arena, this simply is not the case.
For this reason, I would suggest there are two classes of activity for looking at confidence building through flooding/exposure: (a) those activities where one can succeed despite being exceptionally anxious and (b) those activities in which it is impossible to succeed if one is exceptionally anxious. Most activities such as non-romantic social interaction, public speaking, etc. fall into category (a); however, a small minority of activities like dating and swimming fall into category (b).
Fail. Fail often and gloriously until you understand that failure means nothing.
Are you secretly corresponding with my mom or reading my outgoing e-mails? You're directly quoting the speech I wrote.
You are NOT special and if you think that this cruel universe is just going to hand you the perfect relationship with no effort or hardship on your part then you're playing a game with long odds.
These are wise words. I agree with them. But I think that people are allowed to be exceptionally incompetent at certain things, just as we are allowed to be recognized as exceptionally competent at others. I'm not giving up, nor am I advising Aaron to do so. I will continue meeting or exceeding my rejection quota every year, mainly because, as you point out, not trying often leads to escalating feelings of self-loathing and despair. That pent-up energy has to go somewhere.
But I think it is a real mistake to tell Aaron that if he keeps trying he will eventually succeed because (a) he will continue expecting that happiness is something that will come to him from an external source rather than something that will come from within himself and (b) not everybody who tries does make it in the end; I know it's a big part of American national mythology to peddle that idea but it's just not true; what Aaron wants is worth working for but not something that is guaranteed to people as some kind of entitled payoff for hard work.
If you're going to play those odds then buy a lotto ticket too. And when you win then have a t-shirt with your net worth on it printed for every day of the week. Because that's the only other way that you're going to land chicks if you won't make the effort.
Rel, Rel buddy -- it's me! It's me! Ignore the strawman, talk to me.
