Does this make you want to keep reading?

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Below is the draft opening for a bit of fiction whose concept I've been toying with. Without going in to any of the specifics -- not wanting to spoil anything -- from reading just what I've provided:

- What have you learned about the characters and action?
- Does what you read interest you enough that you'd read more?

Trying to gauge some initial reaction before doing any more writing. Thanks.

The hawk wind ripped its cold and brutal talons through my fur as it entered the plane, the opening ramp letting in first tendrils of frigid air followed by a veritable blast of it. My coat kept most of it at bay, but I could see the men ahead of me, crouched near the descending ramp, shiver as it caressed them. Danny too shivered behind me, though not violently.

We shifted slightly as the plane made a correction, swaying ponderously. The men ahead of us, swaddled with gear, moved easily with the slight vibration. Danny swayed more, less used to the movement and burdened with my own harness as well as his own chute, pack, emfor, and other gear. I tried to push back closer to steady him, but my short legs could not get purchase, and all I succeeded in doing was spinning my legs in the air and threatening to knock us over backwards into the man behind Danny. Danny patted my head, and I calmed down. He checked my harness and goggles, wrapping his arms closer to steady me.

Ahead, the darkness of the plane gave way to pale moonlight splashing across snow-capped peaks far, far below. We were so far up all I could see looked like a white rumpled blanket, flecked with some dark specks. The earth slipped by peacefully, the drone of engines the only sound aside from the occasional click of metal on metal. Scents were still strong, though the inrushing hawk had diminished them some. Sweat, nervous perspiration, mostly, was strong, but there was none of the acrid stink of fear-scent. I could smell the grease and fluids that made the plane run, and the smoky dirty breath of the plane’s engines entered the plane with the outside air. Danny’s scent was close and reassuring, mixed with the smooth slick smell of the oil on his emfor and some burnt powder from insufficient cleaning. I could smell the findit rag in his pocket, the treats and my tuggie in one of his pouches, and tried to commit the findit scent to memory.

A small pale light gleamed by the open ramp. One of the men near the front leaned out, looked back and forth, and waved an arm in the air. The light winked out, replaced by one below it, and one by one the men ahead of us stepped off of the end of the ramp and disappeared into the moonlit night beyond.

Danny started shuffling his feet forward, and soon we stepped on to the ramp where the hawk wind howled and suddenly all I could smell was airplane breath.

“Here we go, Riley,” I heard Danny whisper.

I gave a bark of joy, and we leaped into the abyss.

 

[Croesus]

- What have you learned about the characters and action?

Very little. I had to reread the passage multiple times just to figure out that the plane was moving (why the heck is the ramp down?) and that the characters were planning on jumping out. I have no context for what they're doing, nor why, where, or how.

- Does what you read interest you enough that you'd read more?

Nope. Too many overblown adjectives, too verbose, the feel that you're trying too hard to write "serious" fiction vs. a simple action scene.

Trying to gauge some initial reaction before doing any more writing.

By all means, if you enjoy writing and want to get better, continue. Just because someone doesn't like this passage doesn't mean you should just give up. So long as you enjoy what you're doing, you can ignore the rest of us (me). That said, if your focus is on publishing professionally, I'd recommend more practice.

 

[Umbran]

The wind has talons that rip one character, but caress another?

And, honestly, I'd never heard of a "hawk wind" so I was confused as the piece shifted from talking about birds to air.

I find the, "I'm a dog, but I'm not going to say it," to come across as a bit intentionally coy, rather than attention-grabbing.

 

[trancejeremy]

I never read anything with dogs, as it never, ever works out well with them.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

I never read anything with dogs, as it never, ever works out well with them.

LOL. I'd like to hear the rest of that story.

Thanks for the feedback! The jargon clearly has to go. The whole "hawk" thing means something if you recognize it, but loses out if it has to be explained, and doesn't work in this context -- it was a poor choice to use an inside joke that the reader isn't privy to. I suspect it's better to ditch it all for more direct language.

Clearly much rework required. Who was it that said writing is mostly re-writing?

 

[Nellisir]

What have I learned about the characters?: One is a dog, and they're jumping out of a plane.

Do I want to read more?: Not at this juncture.

Edit edit edit. Sentences are too long, too...ornate. There's a lot of visual description, which feels natural, and then a paragraph of smells shoved in like the author wanted to reassure us that he hasn't forgotten that dogs have noses, and then it's back to the visual. The "hawk wind" reference, coming out of nowhere, lacks context and is confusing. I'm still not sure about where the dog is, and why his short legs are "spinning" in air. I'm guessing he's in some kind of chest harness, but it's not clear at all.

I think first person is a really tricky point of view for a non-human. Third person limited might be better. One of 2 things is true here: the dog is normal, and the author is "translating" into "full human", or the dog is advanced in some way, and thinks more or less as well as a human.

If I didn't think this was a worthwhile start though, I wouldn't comment at all.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Edit edit edit. Sentences are too long, too...ornate. There's a lot of visual description, which feels natural, and then a paragraph of smells shoved in like the author wanted to reassure us that he hasn't forgotten that dogs have noses, and then it's back to the visual. The "hawk wind" reference, coming out of nowhere, lacks context and is confusing. I'm still not sure about where the dog is, and why his short legs are "spinning" in air. I'm guessing he's in some kind of chest harness, but it's not clear at all.

I think first person is a really tricky point of view for a non-human. Third person limited might be better. One of 2 things is true here: the dog is normal, and the author is "translating" into "full human", or the dog is advanced in some way, and thinks more or less as well as a human.

If I didn't think this was a worthwhile start though, I wouldn't comment at all.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'm really a non-fiction writer; I haven't tried my hand at "creative writing" since high school (and didn't really enjoy it, then).

I have a story I want to tell, but am (obviously) struggling with presentation. Figure the two main characters are a man and a dog, and it would be easiest to tell the story from the third person, or the first person (human) point of view.

But I think it would be more interesting to tell the story from the dog's point of view, and have been struggling with how:

- Yeah, third person. But that seems less fun to imagine.
- First person, and the dog is smarter than the human, or at least is a human intelligence in a doggie body. This departs into fantasy, and I really don't want to write a story about an anthropomorphic dog (though I suspect that's a bit of what I end up with regardless). I want the dog to feel like a dog, not like a short human without opposable thumbs.
- First person, but the dog is a regular dog. This strikes me as fun to imagine and it's where I started, but am clearly struggling with how to adequately project myself into an alien mind. How do you adequately convey the point of view of a being whose primary sense is scent, with hearing and sight secondary (and both much different than ours)? Add to that limited attention span, different priorities ... I have three mutts at home, so I know how they "think," or at least react. But conveying a human perception of how a dog perceives the world back to a human ... well, I may have bit off a lot more than I can chew.

Anyway, haven't come back to this yet -- too busy with work, blog posting, and some other stuff that is "near fiction" right now.

 

[Nellisir]

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'm really a non-fiction writer; I haven't tried my hand at "creative writing" since high school (and didn't really enjoy it, then).

I'm the opposite. Can't write a critical paper to save my life; majored in creative writing in college. Here are my crumbs of wisdom, for whatever they're worth.

1. Do it how you want to do it. I sit down, stop thinking, and start writing. I don't outline, I don't plan, I don't voluntarily do a rough draft. But other people plan obsessively. You might be more comfortable with a more structured approach.

2. “The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.” — Mary Heaton Vorse (1881-1966), American writer
Write it. Then write it again. Then write it again.

3. Read it out loud. You don't have to read it to someone, but reading out loud uses a whole different set of perceptions than reading to yourself.


For the dog's perspective, certain conventions have evolved to let people when things are from a dog's point of view. References to "pack" and "master" or "alpha" are the most obvious. You can use these or not as you please, as long as it's an informed choice.

I don't know what kind of story you're telling, so I can't really address the level of the dog's intelligence. The para-trooper aspect suggests action/adventure or sci-fi; there are certainly non-fantasy ways of making an sf dog smart. Not so much a "real" dog, though.

For a story told from a different sort of viewpoint, I suggest The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, by Mark Haddon. The story is told through journal entries by an autistic boy.

For an outright alien viewpoint, I'd suggest the sci-fi work of CJ Cherryh, and particularly the Chanur saga (told by an alien, and loaded with aliens, most of whom barely understand each other, and some just aren't understood at all. Who knows why a methane-breather does anything?)

Perseverance and perspiration. Keep going.

 

[Kaodi]

I think third person, with reference to what the dog experiences, might work out. As long as you kept the "third person" locked into looking over the shoulder of the dog. I mean, what percentage of fiction is told from the first person? (Or more importantly, what percentage of good fiction?)

 

[Nellisir]

I think third person, with reference to what the dog experiences, might work out. As long as you kept the "third person" locked into looking over the shoulder of the dog. I mean, what percentage of fiction is told from the first person? (Or more importantly, what percentage of good fiction?)

Beyond Zelazny? It's not an easy format, I think.