Match Five / Piratecat vs. Orchid Blossom
ARWINK’S JUDGMENT
Piratecat / How My Brother Stopped Listening to Rock and Roll
It took me a couple of minutes to warm to the voice of Piratecat’s story, but once I was in I was in for the long haul (and thank-you for letting the contractions in once you’d established the voice – you would have driven me crazy if they’d continued the entire length of the piece). Nice picture use, and the story itself does a great job of taking an old trope and making something new with it.
The only flaws I saw were basically minor quibbles: one, it feels like it’s missing a narrative beat – I wanted something in the middle of the story so there was a bridge between that first hint of what’s to come (…I asked for one like you. Young and blond and strong…) and the possession at the finale; two, the title, for me, doesn’t quite fit the story. Rock and roll isn’t prevalent enough to give the title weight (again, it probably needs a beat on this point in the middle of the story to bridge the first reference and the gloating statement at the end).
Orchid Blossom / Untitled
This is a nice, gentle story that manages to use its micro focus on the central character to reflect and hint at a much larger story. The voice is suited to the style of the piece – mythic in tone, hinting at a world that’s slowly coming into focus – and any real critiques I’d offer about the story would largely be aimed at tightening the prose (which, given the time-frame of Ceramic DM, is an accomplishment).
That said, I find myself a little ish-ish when it comes to the story. It does many things right, it has an internal consistency that works to its favor, but I don’t find myself getting excited about it. The crux of narrative largely comes down to a character making a moral choice, and that choice is at its most satisfying when it’s being made by our protagonist. I’m not sure I see that big choice being made here (though certainly there has been one made prior to the story beginning), and thus I feel like I’m left adrift in the serenity and beauty of the voice. Despite the attempt to close the narrative loop with the priestesses death, this feels like it’s the beginning of something longer rather than a self-contained story in its own right.
Judgment
This is a tough round to call – both the stories are strong, make good use of the pictures, and they’re very diverse in their approach. Similarly, both have but one or two things that I’d look at tweaking to really give the story more weight. I’m largely going to go with my gut on this one and give it to Piratecat on the strength of the more immediate satisfaction it provides – Orchid Blossom’s tale will linger, but I think it’s potential and strengths are really going to become apparent if the story is given more time to breath and flesh itself out than Ceramic DM provides.
THE JUDGMENT OF HERREMANN THE WISE
This was probably my favourite set of pictures for round one and neither of the stories disappointed. Piratecat has seamlessly incorporated the images into a completely engrossing recounting while Orchid Blossom has taken the meat from the pictures and spun an intriguing and profound tale of the afterlife.
Orchid Blossom’s effort was something I sat down with and enjoyed from start to finish. I knew the pictures had the potential to bring a certain profundity to the competition and Orchid Blossom has realised this very nicely. In some ways, I wish there had have been more time and space, but that is most likely me being a selfish reader, wishing to luxuriate in Orchid Blossom’s words and ideas. However, in real terms, the pace was more than likely spot on for this competition. A well constructed piece.
Ok, Piratecat’s Indiana Jones style effort was a fantastic story that had me hooked throughout. I was completely sucked into the story and could not turn away until its final twist. I think what’s worth noting here is the level of polish Piratecat has been able to apply in such an abbreviated space of time. It reads incredibly well and does everything that I think the writer was trying to accomplish. Excellent foundation, fantastic fluency and perhaps most importantly, a great read.
Judgment: While there were many things I loved about both stories, Piratecat gets my vote this time with a truly fantastic and polished story.
MALDUR’S JUDGMENT
Orchid, I was confused after reading your story. It was unclear to me what actually happened, It reads either unfinished, or like a vignette for a world that is very well known, so the details are left out. Yet I dont know the world. You have done better in the past.
Piratecat with an indianajones/chtulhu inspired story. Nice twist at the end, I didnt see that coming. Oddly enough you made the badguy, "nice"
though he is doing and saying horrible things.
Judgement: Piratecat
FINAL JUDGMENT
Piratecat seems to have the favour of the judges for this match. Congratulations to both our competitors on a pair of stellar performances.
