Enworlds Funniest Critical Hits and Fumbles!

[Dougal DeKree]

In one of the last groups i played in our half-orc barbarian6 charged into the throne-room of some kobold-tribe, swinging his Greataxe left and right, killing several of the poor little guards every round. So they turned and fled (i guess this was a rolled 1 for morale by our GM). As soon as they started running...

GM: "They are running away. What do you do?"
...the barbarians player: "Uh, i hide behind the throne!"

group in a chorus: "What? Hiding? Why?"

Barbarians player: "Well, they are running away! That means there must be something _really_ bad around here!"

Cheers!
Dougal DeKree, retired Gnomish Illusionist

 

[shilsen]

One of my first D&D games. I join a group midway through a campaign and am running an elven fighter/mage (more the former). The DM likes to throw around a lot of magic, so my guy ends up with a sword of sharpness (2e). Exploring a strange island, the party encounters a group of what seems to be lizardmen, who promptly start slinging spells around and wiping the ground with us. The problem is that they apparently cast darkness spells at will and can see through them too. With no real options, my elf (hasted) charges into a cloud of darkness which contains four lizardmen and starts swinging wildly.

DM: You realize that you can't see them, right?
Me: I know. So what do I need to roll?
DM (smirking): Well, let's say a natural 18 or higher.
Me (rolling): 20...20...19...20
DM (aghast): Gah! Well...um...er...aw heck! (Turning to the other players) You hear screams and see a number of arms and legs come rolling out of the darkness. Bloody elves!

 

[Taluron]

Two humans, cleric/thief, mage/thief (2ed, house-rules) are travelling with a caravan to the city at the edge of a desert. A youngish green dragon has been marauding the area. It attacks (of course). Mage gets initiative first round. Dragon saves, no effect, then it breathes and then everyone still alive goes. Mage gets initiative next round . I tell the DM I delay. He and the other player look at me like I'm insane. The conversation goes as follows:
DM: [shrug] "Okay, the dragon flies up and breathes...".
Me: "Burning hands in the mouth!"
DM: "WHAT?!?!?" (remember, this is 2ed - clorine gas)
Cleric: " HAHAHAHAHAHA"
DM: "OKayyyy" [rolls two saving throws, one for magic resistance - fails, once to see if the dragon realized what I was doing and held it's breath - FAILED.

The resultant explosion (in it's MOUTH) killed the dragon. Yeah, my tactic worked = except for one small flaw. I failed MY save and died in the explosion. Everyone ELSE saved and lived.

 

[Bran Blackbyrd]

2E, I'm playing a Cleric of Dionysus and we also have a fighter and a druid.
It's our first session and we're escorting a carriage full of VIPs to another town. Along the way our path is block by a pair of ragged looking soldiers on horseback with some small humanoid in chains between them.
Instead of getting out of the way, they attacked us and the thing in chains turned out to be an ogre with an illusion cast on it. One of the soldiers cast fear on our fighter and he quickly galloped away from danger. The druid tried to grab a ride to safety by jumping onto the fighter's horse but the ogre knocked him off and into the trees. I cast entangle on the ogre and chopped its head off while it was immobile. One of the fighters charged at me and, being a chaotic neutral priest of a rather chaotic deity, I decided to throw the ogre's head at him (at a penalty, of course). I rolled a natural 20 and hit the soldier. The DM rolled for the soldier and got a 1 so he decided that he fell off his horse and broke his neck when he landed.
The last soldier either ran for his life or was finally dispatched by the fighter or druid.
If I hadn't had the entangle spell we probably all would have died. The DM's habit of unwittingly pitting us against creatures way too powerful for us to fight continued until he "burned out" and discontinued the campaign.
But a critical hit with a severed ogre head during the first session was pretty cool.

On the flipside of lady luck...
I was playing a bounty hunter in a WEG Star Wars campaign and attempted to roll a grenade down a corridor at some enemies. I blew my die roll, the grenade caught on my gauntlets and fell to the floor at my feet. I go boom.
Almost died too. The bad guys tried to bring me around to interrogate me but had abysmal first aid abilities. They injected me quite a few times before they brought me around, but the last injection was an OD and my character became quite giddy and out of control. A bad guy leans in close to ask some questions, I spring the holdout blaster hidden in my gauntlet and blow his face off while laughing maniacally. Fighting off the rest with nothing but my holdout blaster while under the influence was... interesting.

WEG SW taught me that the smallest guard always carries the scariest gun and that if you're going to blast the enemy boarding ship off your hatch in the vaccuum of space, make sure your allies know about your plan and tie themselves down first.

 

[Tyris Harmon]

2E game years back. One fighter in melee, halfling thief(me) and another fighter hanging back.

DM: Thiefs turn, whatcha do?
Me: Shoot him with my shortbow. *rolls* Damn! a 1!
DM: You hit the fighter in the back!
Me: At least it wasn't a strength bow.
DM: It's the other fighters turn.
Him: Pepper him with some arrows (using a strength bow).
*rolls* Oops. a 1.
DM: NOW he gets hit with a strength bow.

 

[lacunae]

Long time ago, 2nd Ed, house rules.
The party pretty-boy, an elven ranger, hates ogres. Murdered his family or something. We find 6 of them locked in a cell in yuan-ti infested catacombs. They are sleeping peacefully, snoring like low thunder. Earlier we'd discovered some explosive goo (naptha?) and dipped arrowheads into it to create explosive arrows. Silently, the ranger sneaks near the bars, carefully nocks an arrow, draws, aims -
and rolls: a 1. percent die: 01.
The DM rules he hit a bar of the cage. The resulting explosion blows half his face off (permanent Charisma loss), and leaves the rest of us scrambling to draw weapons as the 6 ogres wake up and look at the nice new hole in their prison door...

 

[BrooklynKnight]

Here are some more gems from me.

My first 2e Game. My first EVER Game, I was fresh, I was green, dammit i might as well have been SALAD!
I was playing a human fighter and i think we were about 6th level. We're crossing a lake and get attacked by Koa-Toa. We manage to come to some stand still or something and negotiate passage. So my pc leans over and asks a Kot-Toa as a scale as a parting souvinier. Hey i thought i could sell it or something. Everyone gives me this look look of horror and then the insulted Koa-Toa pulls me off the boat. I roll my saves or what not, and fail of course.

I wake up, washed on a beach, days later, missing my right arm! Good thing i had Ambi dex.


Vampire the Masqurade. My first game. Now THIS Is recent. I'm playing a Tremere who happened to like Lure of Flame. I took enough points to be able to use a fireball attack (mini fireballs, hits one person) with glee. Welp, I fumble one to many times when fighting some Le sombra in an underground lair and I end up botching it. I screw up my dodge. BOOF, I've set my self on fire and blown my right arm off. Oy.

 

[Orm]

The group´s bard pursued one of the bad guys without the group even noticing. She followed him invisible into a tavern filled with more baddies. She stumbled across something, drawing attention and, IIRC did something to get visible again. Then she started tumbling through the tavern towards one of the windows.

20, 20, 20

Unfortunately, when she tried to jump through the window, she missed.

1

She hit the wall...

 

[LordOfBlah]

I was DM'ing a campain in 2E. The groups Dwarf fighter and Elf ranger always where going at it. (they where good friends and did this kind of stuff in every campain) So they get into it in a bar and the huge bouncers throw the Elf out of the tavern.

Elf- I draw my bow and shoot through the open door at the dwarf
Elf- Rolls a 1
Me " Your arrow skips off the top of the chair that the dwarf was sitting in and hits a woman in the neck as she is eating her soup"

The elf made like 5 run checks in a row and made this mad dash away from the law. Funniest thing in the world as he is trying to skip town after killing some poor person.

 

[Amal Shukup]

Not so much funny in terms of the Critical's results, but the PROCESS was amusing...

The party was LOSING the big climactic fight, which they'd been working towards for about a month. There's body count. The so far untouched bodyguard cohort makes a beeline to the big bad in order to flank (and drop the hammer on) an attacking PC. In his haste (and, frankly, blithe lack of concern), he provokes an AOO from the character of our newest player...

It is a practically foregone conclusion that IF the bodyguard (and her 80 odd hit points) reaches her destination, PC bodycount will increase by one in the subsequent round - and likely proceed rapidly downhill from there.

There was some nail biting going on - mostly me thinking I had a TPK on my hands... Hate doing that. By accident...

(IMC, upon confirming a critical, we roll a D% and compare the result to a fun little table. The higher the roll, the nastier the Crit: the first 50% or so simply yields a 'normal critical effect', and it escalates from there. Towards the top, damage potential and amusing 'maim' subcharts get seriously deadly...)

Hoping against hope, our erstwhile New Player swings a mighty blow...

New Player: "Ooh! I rolled a 20!"
Me: "Cool! Roll to confirm (yes. ANOTHER 20) and a D100!"
Peanut Gallery: "OH! Save ME!" "Yeah! Roll HIGH, dude!"
New Player: "Oh crap! Darn... Sorry guys..."
Peanut Gallery: "Oh NO! I'm doomed!" "Whatcha roll, dude?"
New Player: "I rolled, like, a 'Zero'. (sigh) That's not gonna do it..."
Me: "Hurm? You rolled a... What?"
​

Quintuple damage and a 'maim table' later, the headless bodyguard splashes messily against the back wall of the room...

Party pulls it together. They Live. Well, mostly. All is good in the world.

Hee hee. "I rolled a 'ZERO'." That gets quoted a lot around the table now.

Amal