how do i learn to relax and live day by day?!?

[Spell]

how do you learn to chill, relax, stop worrying about the unforeseeable future (i'm talking months or possibly years in advance) and just learn living day by day? i have usually managed to at least do he living day by day part pretty decently, but since last year it seems that the stress level is on the rise and i am starting to crack up.

i know that if you want to help you probably need more data... so i'll spit all out below. sorry, it'll be long. if you can't stomach it, thanks anyway for reading.

the situation: i am italian, from the south. i live in newcastle where i study music (majoring composition) and i am trying to earn some money playing in two bands. i have a girlfriend. i have been in u.s.a. to the berklee college of music (Boston, MA) and to the university of Texas (Austin, TX).

I'm graduating in June, and most likely i will enroll for a master.

first problem: my girlfriend is leaving newcastle to return to manchester, where she's from, to do become a qualified high school teacher. now, the problem it's not the distance in itself (manchester is 3 hours by train!), but the course that she has to do.

i've seen some of my friends doing the same course literally turning into zombies. the workload is just unbelievable, and they spend every waking hour of their days either working or thinking about work. and those are my smartest friends, not some averge joes.

my girlfriend, willing or not, will probably have zero time for me. it wouldn't be extremely bad to wait for her for one year... but i'm not sure i want to stay in uk.

one word on my girlfriend and i. we were both away from newcastle last year. i was in texas, and she was in austria. we knew each other before, but never really talked too much. then we started chatting, and things evolved quickly (but not too painlessly) for the best. as soon as we physically got together in the same place, in september, we started dating, and the rest is history.

i'm telling you this because, despite the fact that we are quite different (i being very open, and she being slow to open up and very reserved at times), we are also loving each other more and more. in other words, all the "work" that we have to do to adjust does seem to bring good fruits.


problem two: as i said before, chances are that i am not prepared to stay in uk. i always thought highly about the country, but, somehow, things don't click at all. it's like when i was in Boston: all i could do was studying, i couldn't really find that many friends and in the end i returned because it was just unbearable. the difference is that at Berklee i had TONS of work to do. in Newcastle the workload is high, but manageable most of the time.

spending one year in Austin, i got to know a number of students, i bonded with people in the local shops i was going to, i really felt like you could have a random chat with someone waiting at the bus stop with you or something. in Newcastle... mmmh... i don't know, it just doesn't click.

i don't think i'll be able to earn a living by playing alone. writing radio jingles is harder in europe than in u.s.a., and so i pretty much have no chance but teaching. that means that i have to get a PhD. and that means that i have to start considering, on march 2008, whether or not i want to move to Austin again, or stay in Newcastle for another 3 years after the master (why going to another department, when we are a centre of excellence for research in uk, and the lecturers know and appreciate my work?). that is SOON!!!!

i would go. or at least consider the option seriously. but then... would my girlfriend follow me? she doesn't like the politics in uk too much, and she's not madly in love with the country. but she never thought about leaving it before, and she is really close to her family.

on the other hand, well... it costed me a lot, emotionally, to leave my mother (she and i are 100% of our family, as far as the two of us are concerned), and i don't want to choose a crappier option just because my girlfriend doesn't want to leave the country. it wouldn't be right.

i can't judge how good or bad the future will be in uk. in just 3 years the costs of living have skyrocketed, the people i have to deal with outside the department has become nastier, and i am getting bored of me always being "loud" or a "womaniser" or any other stupid stereotypical italian description. it might be just me, or just the people i'm hanging out with, but i'm becoming less and less happy. i would leave, but then... how do i know it's not just a phase? or that going in austin will really be better? sure, i've lived there for 1 year, but that's not enough to judge. and things do change fast these days.

i'll stop yapping, and go back at the original question. how do i relax? how do i get my head to expect very little, live day by day, and be happy with what i get? i am tired of going to sleep just to have nightmares every other night. i am already trying my best, and i couldn't do more if i wanted to, unless i decided to do work and work alone 24 hours a day. which would probably mean total burnout in 6 months or so.

any thought?

 

[Angel Tarragon]

any thought?

Well, I have my way of doing it. I am sure that there are many other ways, but this is just me here.

I don't worry. About the next minute, the next hour or the next day. There is no guarantee that the world will still be around in that time frame. C'est la vie; whatever will be will be.

I do my best to let negativity slide off my back. It is hard to do, but being exposed to massive amounts of it in my teenage years has given me a resistance to it. I admit that it is impossible to let everything slide and a tiny spark can fan a larger flame. What I do to avoid the flame is to have a talk with the person that caused the spark and have a true heart to heart. If the person is difficult and doesn't want to listen, don't let that get you mad. That person is either selfish or self destructive. These kinds of people aren't worth the mental anguish.

I am deeply spiritual. Note that I said spiritual and not religious. I believe there is a fine line between the two. If you see or hear something that warms your heart, let the feeling wash over you; it does wonders to refresh your attitude, at least it does for me.

Don't be jealous that other people have love. I used to be extremely jealous about this. In fact it made me rather mad, knowing that I am capable of so much love and yet had no one to give it to. This can be extremely hard to do, but if you have the love of your family, and they are a constant in your life, it can be anchor. Spread the love that you are saving for that special someone around to people you really care about in your life.

Also, (remember what I said about not worrying, because there is no guarantee of the future?) tell the people that you care about and love in your life how much you care for them and love them. Constantly. Anything can happen anytime. There is no guarantee that when you call it a night with your friends that they'll be alive the next morning. By telling them that you care, the hardship of loss is lessened a little by knowing that you told them that you cared.

I hope this helps.

 

[Spell]

thanks Frukathka.
the important people in my life know that i love them, so that's not the issue. i'm really open about that stuff, and i have no problem of stating things how i feel them.

my problem is just the relaxation.
you are right: nothing is written in stone, and the world might end in 5 minutes, as far as i know. but i can't still manage to relax and let my anxiousness go.

on one hand, i know that everything goes for the best. on the other, i am really scared that my best will not be good enough, and i will end up alone, doing a job that is more hassle than anything.

you are right that i should talk with my significant others more... but what can they tell me apart from: "you don't know what's in store?" :S having all of my best friends scattered around the globe, and being unable to ask them for advice, or just having a laugh with them doesn't help, i suppose.

maybe i should join some buddhist circle and learn from them.

i really just want to chill, and stop this quasi-whining attitude that will lead me to nowhere fast.



ps: i guess what i'm saying is that i know the theory but that, for some reason, i have forgot how to put it in practice.

 

[Jeysie]

I personally think the best way to relax and live day by day is to shape your life into something that *lets* you relax and live day by day.

I'd recommend doing some navel-gazing and thinking about the things in life that make you happy... make a list of the events and situations that you enjoyed in the past. Once you've done that, some of the decisions you're wrestling with might have clearer answers.

Not necessarily *easy* answers. For instance, from what little you've posted here it sounds like socialization is important to you and makes you happy. Yet you're currently staying in a place you describe as hostile, for the sake of a girlfriend you're not even sure will have much time for you in the future. If you spend all the time you're not with your girlfriend unhappy and miserable because you dislike your current environment, it's going to hurt your relationship after a while anyway. :/

But in the long run, any sacrifices/hard choices you might have to make will be worth it if you can make a life plan and end up with yourself in a good place. Life is never perfect, of course, and you do have to develop a certain amount of Zen to let some small problems roll off you.

But it sounds to me like you have a few fundamental problems to try and fix first, and when problems are that big and you're that unhappy, it's *unhealthy* to try and pretend nothing's bothering you. Sometimes it's OK to be unhappy, as long as you use that as an impetus to try to improve your situation.

The Serenity Mantra comes to mind here:

Give me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace & Luv, Liz

P.S. One concrete bit of advice I can give: if your best friends are scattered all over the globe, just talk to 'em on the Internet! That's what it's here for.

 

[CanadienneBacon]

maybe i should join some buddhist circle and learn from them.

i really just want to chill, and stop this quasi-whining attitude that will lead me to nowhere fast.

I am quite sincere in saying that the most serene people I know are not Buddhists, they are Christians who take an active interest in reading the bible. The bible is chock full of lessons that teach a person to not worry about tomorrow, to have faith, to have confidence, and to love. I read scripture daily and it has become my rock. I am a radically different person that I used to be. I used to worry incessantly. About everything. I no longer do. I attribute the change to two sources. The first, I've already mentioned above. The second is marrying my husband, who never worries about anything--never has, never will.

 

[Angel Tarragon]

thanks Frukathka.

ps: i guess what i'm saying is that i know the theory but that, for some reason, i have forgot how to put it in practice.

My ultimate tool of relaxation is my mind. I do my hardest to keep it a constant blank. Of course if I am working or witing, that is a different story. Try to find a spot that is the calm of your sea. Now focus on that and try to expand it. When you have ridden this to completion your mind will be a total blank. Do this everymorning when you wake up and every night before you go to sleep. This has been working wonders for me for yeas.

Hope this helps.

 

[megamania]

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............ HAPPINESS = REALITY / EXPECTIONS
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which for me leads to a world of hell and damnation but this is because I have very high expectations of life.

Just look at the equaltion and try to fill it in

 

[Spell]

thanks for the replies. they all had something that made me think and that gave me ideas on how to face my anxiety better.
and i really mean it!

 

[Nyaricus]

As a person who has gone through plenty of low points in only 19 years of life, here's some of the conclusions I've come to in regards to life.

* Respect. Respect is earned, not given. I will not respect someone until they show me respect firstly; this is not to mean that I am disrespectful to others, but rather I stay neutral with people I am unfamiliar with. For those who are disrespectful, screw 'em. Life's too short to be hung-up on other peoples hang-ups.

* When going through Hell, just keep on driving! By this I mean that if you are going through a low point in your life, and you feel lost, confused, out of ideas, sapped of spirit or the will to go on - you have to go on. If you stay at that point, that "pity party", you are allowing yourself to be unhinged and of no good use to anyone. This might mean you have to go on auto-pilot for a few days or weeks, keep odd hours and crash for more on weekends, but it means that, in the end of this minor dilemma, you will be over it.

* Sometimes, you just need time to breathe, or grieve. As opposed to the above statement, however, some events mean that you need a moment of personal silence to compose yourself. This might mean a couple of days off work for what ever is going on, but no more. Stuff happens, and you are only human and sometimes we just need time to heal emotionally However, if you find yourself in a cycle, it's high time to move on.

* Enjoy the small things. I know this is such a cliche nowadays, but so few people follow this little rule, it's silly! Take a walk and clear your mind, read a good book when you're nice and cozy, or go and treat yourself to your favourite heart-attack in a box or cup. Sometimes these things help. Again, if you notice yourself becoming dependant on these things, it's time to pick up the pace.

* Eat well and take care of your health. This is quite important, and for myself is possibly the biggest obstacle, whereas yours might fall amongst others. Everyday, it's quite important to do some exercise and to eat well all the time. However, in this modern, sedentary lifestyle we live in, and the plague of fast food and immediate gratification, we all-to-often forget this. Very, very important. You will find yourself with more energy and with a clearer view of life.

* The expectations in your life should be yours, not those of others. Make sure your goals are the things you want in life. Sometimes, with a spouse (or when you are considerably younger, with your family members especially) you must concede and compromise, but dammit(!!) make sure you know what you want, set yourself for that course and DO IT! It's like that old, and very useful, adage: when you fall off the horse, brush yourself off and get back on it! And remember that, yes, sometimes you have to brush yourself off and compose yourself. No one can do everything.

Anyways, that's about all I got for now. I do hope that the problems in your life will be resolved as expeditiously as humanly possible. It's always a problem, not knowing how things are going to be worked out. Here's to you, sir!

cheers,
--N

 

[Piratecat]

In terms of learning to relax, be sure to take joy in what you are doing right now. Enjoy the people you are with and the tasks you are doing; admire the clouds as you walk to school. Life isn't an issue of what you have to do in the future, it's what's happening to you at this exact moment. Revel in that, decide what you enjoy best, and take steps to make sure it continues.

I'm sorry I didn't meet you while you were in Boston.