Is it inherently harder to be a female DM?

[JRRNeiklot]

I think it's just a case of joking around. I've had the luxury of gaming with a few women now and again. In fact, in one game I'm in currently, there are two women. That said, every group I've ever played with had some degree of wisecracks at the table - it's part of the game. And jokes tend to come in three varieties - political, religious, snd sexual innuendos. Now since Christianity, etc, is not a part of most D&D games, nor does the typical game consist of a lot of political struggles (none that reflect on real world politics, at least), that leaves sex. Since there are three guys, their jokes will tend to be male oriented - how many women does it take to change a lightbulb, etc. My advice is to come right back with a male bashing joke. If they can take it as well as dishing it out, fine. If not, get rid of them.

Also, if they crack jokes as if you are not there, that means they think you are one of the guys. Someone they can be themselves around instead of tip-toeing around. In other words, a friend. I know I hate it when I have to watch what I say or how I act just because there is someone present who may be offended.

 

[Buttercup]

If you're being called a wench, and your players are making sex jokes instead of staying in character, they're jerks, just as mythago said. It isn't your fault when someone treats you inapropriately. You can and should expect better behavior. In fact, I'd print out this thread and show it to them. Or better yet, find a new group. I'm sure there are plenty of other gamers in London who wouldn't treat you like that. In fact, some of them post here. I'd ditch these toddlers and find some grown-ups to play with.

I've DMed online and in person. No one has *ever* treated me like that. Ever. In the play-by-post games I've played in and run, there is an in-character forum and an out-of-character forum. The two don't get mixed, or if they do, the DM edits the noise out. In real life, my group jokes and laughs, but the guys don't do things that make the women uncomfortable, and the women don't do things that make the men uncomfortable.

It doesn't matter whether or not you 'friends' claim they don't mean anything by it. It makes you uncomfortable, and they know it, so they should stop, just out of simple decency.

Really, find a new group. You'll be much happier.

 

[Elder-Basilisk]

I guess I was reading this the other way: now that there isn't a woman on "the team", it's ok for "the team" to make sex jokes because the DM isn't really there when it's just "the team" talking to each other. As Randomling said, it's like she (as the DM) doesn't exist.

Maybe you're right though and it has the specific anti-DM metagame behind it instead. Either way, it's immature and shouldn't be happening.

From what you said, however, it may also be that becoming the GM has really drawn attention to the fact that you are a woman. Allow me to explain.

When you were a player, this did not happen. You were part of the player group (the "us") with the GM on the other side of the screens (the "them"). You were part of "the Team".

With you as the GM, you become "them". The players are now opposite you, and may see this as an adversarial position. Now, not only are different for being a woman, but you are also different for being the GM. Thus they band together "against" you. Snide sexual comments are easier to make than "GM jokes", so much so that they may not realize how carried away they are getting.

Have you broached this issue with them? Try killing a few of thier characters, that will get thier attention.

 

[Silver Moon]

Silvermoon's wife here.

As a female player and DM of MUMBLE years the first thing you need to realize is that you are in control of YOUR game. If your players are making you think more about how to keep them in line than how to give them the best game that you know how to you need to address the issue and get back to what you are all there for, to play.
You should not need to yell at your table to be heard, if the noise is too much, notes are a great tool both to get your players back to the game and quiet them down; most people don't talk and read at the same time. If something is loud make it loud; if they hear a whispered sound give them the whisper; it will focus them and give you more control.
Right now your players need to realize that you control your game, so throw them off balance and get their attention. Send them into the darkness and blindfold your players. Find something that keeps their attention and make sure that they know that you're there to give them a game that they won't forget.

 

[randomling]

Also, if they crack jokes as if you are not there, that means they think you are one of the guys. Someone they can be themselves around instead of tip-toeing around. In other words, a friend. I know I hate it when I have to watch what I say or how I act just because there is someone present who may be offended.

Yeah, I completely understand that sentiment, it's great if you can feel comfortable enough in your gaming group to really be yourself. I want them to see me as their friend. But I don't want to be their friend at the expense of feeling really uncomfortable when they do certain things, and feeling I can't speak up for fear that they will have to watch what they say around me.

A few people asked, has the group done this kind of thing before, when I was a player. Back when I first joined, there were a few things I didn't like (mainly being referred to as "wench", yes, out of character), but I stood up for myself and told them to stop. I thought I'd dealt with it. But now I'm DMing... here it is all over again.

I don't want to be really authoritarian as a DM and bitchslap them for having a bit of fun. They have a right to make jokes, to be sure. But at the same time I have a natural tendency to act like a doormat, and a DM can't be a doormat, and I'm having a hard time finding the middle ground.

This is probably a discipline issue as much as anything. I have some trouble when the players want to be uncooperative in general. But I still wanted to get the experiences of some other female DMs and see how they handle it?

By the way, thanks Silver Moon for the link, most interesting reading!

And to Silver Moon's wife: we were clearly posting at the same time! I'm going to print out your comments and put them in the front of my DMing ring-binder.

 

[Jolly Giant]

Sounds to me like your players are a bit sexist, Randomling... Maybe a bit immature, too. You say they made some not alltogether polite jokes when you first joined their group, and now you're a DM they're at it again. Could be they feel it's sort of 'them against you'. I've certainly known players that almost considered D&D a players vs. DM game. If they're sufficiently immature, backwards and sexist, they could actually be having problems accepting a female 'boss'. That kind of young male is not yet an extinct species, I'm afraid...
Either way, it sounds like you need to give them something of a telling off. If they make you feel uncomfortable gaming with them, they need to get their act together! We need more female gamers! (I'm very pleased to say my girlfriend for five years has really gotten into D&D. Lucky me! )

 

[Sir Osis of Liver]

It may just be a case of guys being guys. If it is, and they really are your friends, asking them to cut it out probably won't cause any problems for you. Of course it might not work either, but giving it a shot can't hurt.

We need more female gamers!

I agree with that, i've gamed with some females and their perspective on things generally helps bring new perspective and focus on roleplay. It's nice to thin out the testosterone sometimes.

 

[Terraism]

The standard gamer's complaint? Um... huh?

I don't know if it had to do with me being a woman or not... but I had some trouble with certain people when I first joined up (being called "wench" and so on)...

Standard gamer's complaint being the large number of gamers complaining about there being a distinct lack of women that seem to be interested in the hobby.

 

[randomling]

Standard gamer's complaint being the large number of gamers complaining about there being a distinct lack of women that seem to be interested in the hobby.

Thanks!! My complaint just as much as any guys. I know a few women gamers, but a tiny number of them (ie: just me) seem to be interested in D&D. Most of them play Vampire and other White Wolf games. Me, I like the flavour.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Simple solution (this applies whenever there is inappropriate table behaviour, whether player or DM, but is most effective if you're the DM):

Ask them to stop.

If it continues, and you're generous, give them a warning.

If you're the DM, start docking XP.

If is still continues, pack up your books and leave. Continuing to play at that point merely reinforces that the behaviour is OK.

If the other parties are really willing to change their behaviour and play, they'll stop you before you get to the door.