Is it inherently harder to be a female DM?

[Darkness]

These guys are really the only gamers I know in London, is the problem - I game with them (or maybe one-on-one on a highly occasional basis with the one guy I know that won't do this to me) or I don't game at all.

You certainly can find other Londoners here on the boards, FWIW.

I had some trouble with certain people when I first joined up (being called "wench" and so on)...

That sounds like the player in question hasn't had enough contact with females - especially female gamers...

I don't want to be really authoritarian as a DM and bitchslap them for having a bit of fun. They have a right to make jokes, to be sure. But at the same time I have a natural tendency to act like a doormat, and a DM can't be a doormat, and I'm having a hard time finding the middle ground.

A doormat? What does that mean...?

... a tiny number of them (ie: just me) seem to be interested in D&D. Most of them play Vampire and other White Wolf games. Me, I like the flavour.

*cough*Exalted!!!*cough*

I'm not an experienced gamer. I've been playing almost exactly a year and I'm wondering if I started DMing too early. I'm not good with rules (especially since fighting isn't my favourite part of the game).

Fighting isn't your favorite part of the game? Maybe you should give other games besides D&D a try after all, then!

 

[Celtavian]

Re

I don't want to be really authoritarian as a DM and bitchslap them for having a bit of fun. They have a right to make jokes, to be sure. But at the same time I have a natural tendency to act like a doormat, and a DM can't be a doormat, and I'm having a hard time finding the middle ground.

This is probably a discipline issue as much as anything. I have some trouble when the players want to be uncooperative in general. But I still wanted to get the experiences of some other female DMs and see how they handle it?

You really have to be assertive as a DM or you won't get much respect from your players. You don't necessarily have to be mean or a discipinarian to be assertive.

The best way to be assertive is to be consistent. If you can keep the campaign consistently going forward, and make sure your rules arbitration is consistent, your players should become more comfortable with you. Consistency has two aspects:
1. No favorable treatment for individual players.
2. Always try to remember how you arbitrated a prevous situation, and apply your previous judgement to the current situation.

For a woman, you have to be comfortable with male aggression. One thing I can tell you from experience DMing is that male players get mad when something bad happens to their character, and male players will often try to find some loophole to get them off the proverbial hook. Sometimes it comes down to just straight arguing with the DM to get their way.

As the only woman in an all male group, this can make you feel real uncomfortable. Heck, I imagine it can be annoying and uncomfortable for a great many male DMs. If you learn to be assertive in a game rules situation and you stay consistent, your players should eventually relax and become comfortable with your style of DMing. (An entertaining campaign is also important, but it seems you already have that covered.)

DMing is very much about style. Players may be used to a certain type of DM, and it sometimes takes them awhile to get used to a different DM's style.

Hopefully, you stick with it. DMing can be quite fun because it is the most creative part of a roleplaying game.


Ziona,

I can't believe you don't DM. I would have thought you DMed before the way you like to write.

Tell those Unusual Heroes to let you DM a few games. I am sure you would do well. Just takes some time to learn pacing and get comfortable in the DM chair, which you can't learn unless you practice DMing.

 

[Zander]

Also, if they crack jokes as if you are not there, that means they think you are one of the guys. Someone they can be themselves around instead of tip-toeing around. In other words, a friend.

randomling,

I agree with JRRNeiklot. It may not seem like it, but they're actually paying you a compliment. They're making that kind of joke in your presence because they regard you as an equal, and a trusted one at that.

When you put a stop to it, make it seem like it's because they're wasting time, not because their jokes are sexual. If you make a sexism issue of it, you will distance yourself from them - you'll no longer be "one of the guys". If on the other, you make it a time issue, they'll realise that you're a serious gamer which will elevate you in their esteem and command their respect.

Incidentally, if they're like most D&D players, they like a good in-game fight. If they get distracted, throw a monster or two their way. If you're not comfortable with DMing combat because of the complexity of the rules, start with something simple and study the monster and any rules that are likely to arise before the game.

When I DMed, I used to keep a chime handy. Not one of those tinkly wind-chimes - this thing made a really unpleasant monotone especially when I hit it hard. When the players got distracted, I'd give it a good whack. Worked a charm! I admit that it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but it did the job.

Originally posted by Darkness

You certainly can find other Londoners here on the boards, FWIW.

I'm in London. Depending on when and where you play, I'd be happy to come along. I doubt they would make sexual jokes in front of someone they didn't know well and who was older than they are. And I promise not to bring my chime!

 

[arwink]

I agree with JRRNeiklot. It may not seem like it, but they're actually paying you a compliment. They're making that kind of joke in your presence because they regard you as an equal, and a trusted one at that.

Gotta dissagree there. Sometimes its because of that, sure, but just as often I've seen guys do this kind of stuff around female gamers because they're a) nervous or b) purposely trying to rattle her. It's not a cut and dried thing, and the only person who can really judge which sort of teasing this is is Randomling.

To say nothing of the fact that if you're doing something that makes another gamer uncomfortable, you're not treating them like an equal at all. If it's unconscious and can be dealt with by bringing it up, fine, but if it keeps happening it's the equivelent of saying they don't really care how she feels, their jokes are more important than her comfort.

That being said, the rest of Zander's advice is pretty sound. Random monster attacks are best sent in when everyone's attention starts waning. Sooner or later they get the message, and try to keep focused on the job at hand.

Oh, and darkness - Doormat = someone who lets others walk all over them.

 

[Ashtal]

I think it's these players, and not your gender, that's causing the difficulties.

I've never had a problem GMing for guys, but then again, I'm also very particular about who I'm gaming with.

But we don't always have that option. That said, even sometimes the regular group gets 'uppity', and when they do, you have to nip it in the bud or it will take over the whole night, especially if you've got plans; plots to untangle, foes to vanquish, etcetera.

XP docking, telling them off, all of it - you have to be strong-willed about your assertations, and not take no for an answer.

The reverse of this, of course, is an examination of what style of gaming you're bringing to the table as a GM, and what these players are looking for. If they are more interested in a beer & pretzels RPG, you may be offering them something to heavy, and they are rebelling by slacking off.

But bottom line, you have to talk to your players, "Hey, are you guys not having fun? 'Cause, I don't have to GM. Personally, trying to GM while you putz around, make jokes and do everything BUT play isn't really encouraging, and I'd rather not waste my time." Put your cards out on the table - if they wanna game, they should shut up and game. If not, figure out something else to do. But make sure you let them know that you have a problem, and that it's them, and that it's in their hands whether or not they want to fix it.

 

[seasong]

I'm a male GM. A few random comments, from personal experience.

* I've found that the best groups, for me, have at least two of each gender. The difference between one girl and two girls, in terms of the power dynamic, is huge. Of course, a pair of girls can screw this up by being catty with each other, but my experience has been that that's actually pretty rare. Moving from 2 to 3 girls, or 3 to 4, doesn't seem to have nearly the same impact.

* I started GMing when I was 12 years old, after about a year and a half of playing. I'm a damned fine GM. Playing occasionally can help retain knowledge of the 'other side of the screen', but is not really essential to the GMing skills.

* GMing for the first time is hard. Players have a hard time adjusting to another player suddenly being the GM, unless there is some mitigating factor, such as a group that swaps GMs a lot or an already established group GM who strongly sponsors the new one (and by that, I mean plays in the game, helps run herd on the players, argues for 'the Gms word is law', etc.).

* About a sponsoring GM: I've done this for a few players that I thought had a lot of promise as GMs. Didn't always do as well as I would have wanted - one female GM in particular, I really wish I'd had another group at the time, because she rocked, and they just killed her enthusiasm for it. Ziona's story isn't unique by a large stretch, and that sucks.

* To return to the topic at hand, my first suggestion is always to talk about it with the group. Taming them a second time may not be as difficult as the first. And if you continue to be uncomfortable with them... finding a new group, or creating one, isn't as hard as you might think .

* And remember that GMing is a Calling. Sometimes you just have to go into the den of beasts and fight the dragon so you can consume its heart and grow stronger thereby.

 

[LostSoul]

My players are my friends and this kind of stuff isn't an issue on non-gaming social events.

Why not? Don't they make the jokes in other settings, or do you just ignore them then?

 

[BrooklynKnight]

They were "social" jokes, yeah - not directed at me - but of the type that guys seem to make when they're by themselves and don't tend to (in my experience) when women are around. It was like I wasn't even there.

And yes, we are a social gaming group, and I enjoy that part as much as anyone. I come along to the sessions to hang out with my friends as much as play D&D, too. The issue really was that I felt quite uncomfortable and they didn't really seem to care.

maybe its not that.
maybe they think of you as one of the guys

 

[randomling]

Why not? Don't they make the jokes in other settings, or do you just ignore them then?

They don't make the jokes. I mean, of course they make jokes, but they don't make sex jokes persistently, to the exclusion of all else, to the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable. Except for this one time round the gaming table. It probably is a combination of all factors, like Darkness said, and I need an iron hand. Next session will probably be easier anyway, as we're going to be doing a lot more fighting...

 

[LostSoul]

They don't make the jokes. I mean, of course they make jokes, but they don't make sex jokes persistently, to the exclusion of all else, to the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Oh, okay. Well, when they cross the line tell them to stop it. If they continue to do it, start swearing.