Is it inherently harder to be a female DM?

[mythago]

I have to agree with the folks who say they're trying to yank your chain--trying to make you "one of the guys" doesn't involve a solid half-hour of nonstop, game-interrupting sex jokes.

And c'mon, you're in London. There's no law that says you have to game only with people at your college. Dump the bois and go find gaming socieities in the world at large; surely some of our London ENWorlders can bury you in URLs and information about how to find other gaming groups.

You shouldn't have to put up with stupid head games as a condition of gaming.

I don't see them as being sexist, so I don't understand why they think I would be so bad at DMing.

Why *don't* you see them as being sexist? Because it's an unpleasant truth? Honestly, if they're mocking your DMing ability while encouraging less-experienced male players to DM, I don't get what you think the problem really *is*.

 

[Desdichado]

Also, speaking of male player behavior... (;
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?threadid=23422&highlight=ab3

Good heavens. I just lost 2d12 Sanity.

 

[ladyofdragons]

I don't GM all that often myself, I prefer being a player. My group doesn't have issues with off-color humor, we're generally self-monitoring and our average age is about 30 now, and finally I'm not the only female!

However, as a relatively soft-spoken woman I've found a couple ways to handle GMing without slapping the group with an iron pan, which can make some players get really mad about their game being taken away from them, or feeling like they're being railroaded. Also helps me because i don't particularly feel comfortable doing the whole iron pan thing.

1) If your group gets sidetracked and you want to get it on track, be authoritative. don't yell, just raise your voice like a teacher does when the class is being a bit too loud, just enough to cut through the chatter. go around the table and ask each player one by one what their characters are doing at that moment, or what their next planned action is. Sometimes follow that up immediately with a random encounter, just to keep them on their toes so they think you're asking because an encounter is about to start.

2) if out-of-game chatter or inappropriate humor is ruining your game, try this trick we use as a house rule: a death die. it's a silly little die with a skull as a 1 (though any odd die might be used). anyone who uses inappropriate behavior rolls the death die, and a roll of one means that some encounter has just been added to the adventure that wasn't there before, generally something more challenging than the other encounters in the adventure, maybe something thats possibly more than a match for the group if they don't work together, if the misdeed that caused the death die throw was annoying enough. Nothing like the threat of death to bring people in line (but not in a malicious way, they do bring it on themselves and certainly have the opportunity to try to combat whatever is added). It also helps in that with this method, the party as a whole pays for one player's misdeeds, which means that they'll start helping you to keep him in line.

Think of it as in-game karma. every action has a reaction. good deeds done in game get rewards (XP), nasty bits get appropriate reactions too. Good luck in your future DMing.

 

[Ziona]

Re: Re

Ziona,

I can't believe you don't DM. I would have thought you DMed before the way you like to write.

Tell those Unusual Heroes to let you DM a few games. I am sure you would do well. Just takes some time to learn pacing and get comfortable in the DM chair, which you can't learn unless you practice DMing.

That makes me feel a bit better, but I don't know if I'd have the nerve to DM for them with the way some of them reacted. And maybe they were joking, but they should have realized I was serious about it by the way I talked about it & planned. I just think I'd be too nervous to do it now, knowing that they probably wouldn't take me very seriously. Several of them have and do currently DM so I guess I would feel too intimidated now.

Why *don't* you see them as being sexist? Because it's an unpleasant truth? Honestly, if they're mocking your DMing ability while encouraging less-experienced male players to DM, I don't get what you think the problem really *is*.

Well, they're my friends, some of which I've known for years. I know that in my case, I am treated as "one of the guys." I've heard from them quite often that I'm "not a real girl." Their teasing doesn't bother me. Trust me, I know I'm agressive and not the least bit shy around them. Which is why I can't understand the DMing situation. I don't know why they didn't take me seriously and why they thought I would do a bad job. And not all of them scoffed, but most of them were silent while the laughing and scoffing ensued, so I don't call that supportive. Only one of them thought I should try. I know these guys and I know they aren't sexist about anything else. That's why I don't get what issues they have about me DMing.

 

[mythago]

I've heard from them quite often that I'm "not a real girl."

\

So they think you're a cyborg?

Seriously, these guys obviously have Issues with women. "You're not a real girl" is not a compliment in the least; it means that they think you're a decent enough human being that you've managed to rise above the handicap of your gender.

If you really have no issues with standing up to these guys, why are you intimidated by them? Look them square in their beady little eyes and ask *exactly* what their f'in problem is with you GMing. See if they can come up with something other than "uh...uh...." If they can't, well, too bad. Leave them out of the awesome campaign you run, like ragged puppies with their noses pressed against the window.

Having BTDT, it can be hard to face it when your friends are being bigoted jerks. But it's nothing you can't handle with a little effort and the Fist of Doom.

 

[RangerWickett]

Well, I know that at least for me it's harder to be a female DM. You have to take all those strange pills and rub that creepy lather on your skin, then spend a week in a cocoon for the change to stick (I don't have to tell you how embarrassing it is to start turning back into a guy in the middle of a gaming session because I didn't have the patience to stay in the cocoon).

But if you're born female, it's likely you've just been unlucky. My girlfriend runs a 90% female game. Great fun.

 

[seasong]

Ziona: Check out the original post - she was rather surprised by the change in their behavior when she shifted to DM, also.

As always, I prefer talking things out - since you don't understand why, ask them. It's darn near impossible to guess, and maybe they have a reason that can be worked around.

Or maybe they just didn't understand the seriousness of your feelings about DMing. Tell them you want to try DMing, and just ask them to be supportive. That works surprisingly often .

 

[Ziona]

\

So they think you're a cyborg?

Seriously, these guys obviously have Issues with women. "You're not a real girl" is not a compliment in the least; it means that they think you're a decent enough human being that you've managed to rise above the handicap of your gender.

If you really have no issues with standing up to these guys, why are you intimidated by them? Look them square in their beady little eyes and ask *exactly* what their f'in problem is with you GMing. See if they can come up with something other than "uh...uh...." If they can't, well, too bad. Leave them out of the awesome campaign you run, like ragged puppies with their noses pressed against the window.

Having BTDT, it can be hard to face it when your friends are being bigoted jerks. But it's nothing you can't handle with a little effort and the Fist of Doom.

The "Not A Real Girl" comment basically refers to the fact that I do alot of activities that most girls they know don't. I play RPGs, read comics, like sci-fi, etc. etc. It's not that they were trying to be negative by saying that. I know that's a joke, and I don't take offense to things like that. I get along with guys much better than girls, and I know that.

I guess my point is that I've been accepted into so many games and so many activities with these guys, so I don't understand why they aren't upfront about me DMing. They should have just said what they thought instead of making a joke about it. If they said something like "I don't think you know enough about the creatures we'll encounter" or "I don't think you know how to calculate XP properly" it would be one thing, but they didn't. I've never had a problem with these guys before. They're my friends, and that's why it's so frustrating. My husband is among these guys, and he is the one who got me involved in D&D over 7 years ago. These aren't bad guys, and they're normally supportive of new games and ideas, but didn't take me seriously for some reason.

When the situation occured (about a year ago) I confronted them asked why they thought I couldn't do it and they just didn't seem to take me seriously. I don't know if they think I wouldn't handle the game properly, or if they they think I couldn't do the required math fast enough or what.

As far as a "fist of doom" they know I'm aggressive and loud, so I know that's not an issue. I'm upfront and honest with them, so I thought they would be with me in regard to DMing. Like I said, we're all friends, and I'm not trying to dump on them, it's just a mystery to me why they didn't want me to try DMing.

 

[maddman75]

I regularly endure about a half an hour of non stop sex jokes at the beginning of every game. Or if it isn't sex jokes, its movie quotes, or something. I refer to it as 'getting the stupids out of the way'.

For us, gaming is social, and largely the only time we get together. So we have to go through that. I wouldn't take it personally -- players have a need IMHO to get into a social frame of mind.

After you have done that though, get their attention. The best way to do that is to open the game with a tough fight. I believe the term is In Media Res, or 'in the middle of things'. Kind of like Star Wars IV, where the movie begins with Darth Vader attacking princess Leia's ship. Some action to immedietly get everyone involved with what's going on.

As far as first time DMing, remember that all players somehow seem to transform into grubbing, power hunger mercenaries as soon as the d20s start rolling. Even the good players will try to pull things over on you. Don't let them! Stick to your guns.

You also said that combat isn't your favorite part of the game. How do the players feel about it? Do they like lots of action? Roleplay? Puzzles? Politics?

In any case, some in game reminders of some essential RPG principles may be in order. Just make sure they know

- You are the DM.
- Constant sex jokes piss you off
- Pissing off the DM is a BAD freakin idea!

And personally, while we've had some jokes and in-character commnets that would certainly make Eric's Grandma chase me around the boards with a rolling pin if I were to post them, we have female players and don't make comments like you described to them out of character. In character may be a different story though .

Of course now that I think about it, my female character took more abuse than the ones played by females!

 

[incognito]

just to chime in on a topic that seems like it's winding down.

If it makes you uncomfortable, you should mention something, but as others have recommened, tread lightly. To use an IRON HAND in this may do as much damage as it fixes, socially.

I would guess that the guys feel relaxed around you, but nervous about you as a DM. To help themselves relax, they spouted off at the mouth a bit. Does not make it right, but it probably was not malicious, or something that you'd see on a day in, day out basis.

Another good way to nip this in the bud is to capture thier attention/interest, in game, with a paticualarly facinating story, or item, or 'monster' or locale. Think of things that have high visual impact, at this tends to capture the imagination, and get player's undivided attention.

much luck in your future sessions!