Living with someone of the TV generation

[Turanil]

Now that I think more about it, I am not an English-speaking native, so maybe I missed something there: is TV a veiled term for Mind Flayer??

 

[Darkness]

Couldn't she, when doing something else for a bit is called for, tape the stuff she wants to see and watch it later? That has always worked for me, though admittedly I'm not a full-fledged TV generation member and/or TV addict (rather, half- at best).

 

[Dingleberry]

This is the one thing about my wife that really ticks me off & that I'll NEVER be able to accept. All her other quirks & stuff I can handle; but this will continue to grate on me every day.

Just to be clear: you're saying you will "NEVER" change, but you expect your wife to.

 

[Bront]

Being an occasional TV Zombie myself, I can understand the issue.

In particular, my problem is that I am ADD (Diagnosed as an adult actualy, and most people who know me can believe it). As a result, I tend to like to occupy my mind, and once I do, I tend to focus to the exclusitivty of other things. I do the same thing when reading, on the phone, on the internet, listening to the radio, or anything else. I can usually catch myself, and I don't ignore anyone intentionaly, and I definately will put priorities like fires or people above a TV, but it's hard sometimes for me to keep focused on anything else if it's on.

It's erie too. I have trouble hearing people speak in a crowded room filled with others, but I can be distracted from a conversation with background music that is less audible than the person talking that I can't quite understand/catch. I will be having a conversation with someone, with the TV on and a show I've seen and know I have, and will still find myself drifting towards it. It's almost unconsious, and somewhat sureal.

Now, I'm not suggesting that your wife is ADD, but I can relate with the issue, and it is something that she can overcome. My big suggestion is TIVO or a VCR. Who cares if you miss something if you can rewind. And if you can watch them whenevever you want, you make time for it instead of letting it control your time. My VCR has helped free me from a lot of TV watching.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

But you have to commit to together time too, even if say, a lesser spotted titmarsh flaps into your purview, just as she wants to discuss something you find tedious.

That's part of the problem. I have no problem talking to her while birdwatching, watching TV, on the computer, reading, etc. I 'multitask' isn't the right word, though it's a similar effect. I've basically been raised to pay attention when someone starts talking to you, as a common curtesy. You can tell them "Please be quiet for a few minutes I'm doing X right now, I'll speak with you as soons as possible." Just something to let the other person know you did, indeed, acknowledge their presence.

With my wife, the TV means she ingores all other living (or unliving) objects. Well, not quite. She'll respond with "Yes, OH-huh, Ok" to whatever I'm talking about, then have no memory of it later (She does the same thing while sleepy, but I don't hold that against her). I also realize that when she says "Yes, OH-huh, Ok" to my request to spend $200 bucks on gaming stuff, that approval never actually occured.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

I am so sorry you're in this situation. It was indicative of the severity of the problem, your wife and mother in law saying what they did about your grandmother.

Afterwards, my wife realized just how bad she was (mother-in-law still doesn't realize). My wife was getting better, but we just spent a week's vacation (me with my family in Ohio while my wife & her mother took a trip up to Niagra Falls). Now she's back where she was before. Essentially, her mom's a hermit, set in her ways, and damned if she'll try to change (this is often a point of contention between them, usually devolving down to "I'm not a hermit!" "Mom, when was the last time you went outside the house. Besides work, the grocery or bookstore?" "Umm, I can't remember") Basically, after time with her mom her negative habits are reinforced. The same might be said of me, but as we live 20 miles from her mom, but 300 miles from mine; the effect never really kicks in on my side.

Present day: I'm a newly engaged, was-recently-single mom with two preschool boys at home. When my 4 yr old was litttle-er, I was a single mom and did use tv as a babysitter. Jack got pretty addicted to tv. Know how I fixed that? Stopped having tv.

She was raised by a single mom (I should point out that her entire family is a bunch of recluse hermits. Her 2 uncles have never been married (let alone a relationship) and spend 95% of their time at their house or work. The only time they get together is Thanksgiving & the entire converstion consisted of "How's work?" "Ok" "Urgggrurg" That last one is what passes for "pass the food" Just point & grunt. Once food is gone, everyone leaves. First time I went as was sort of stunned. As for her mom's choice in men? The guy she married drove her successful business into the ground by skimming from the register & driving off customers. He eventually got a restraining order against entering the state when he kicked his mom down a flight of stairs & broke her arm & hip (She refused to press charges). In a way I'm grateful he's out of her life; as when he fled to Wisconsion & re-married (another woman with issues) he fathered 2 children with her & promptly began sexually abusing his own daughter (not my wife, her half-sister) from the time she was 8 or so. The reason that man's not in jail is beyond me (but has a lot to do with only beating up people of such a timid/needy nature they refuse to press charges). Sorry, this is devolving into a different rant. Yes, my wife was raised by TV. So was I, though after my parent's divorce I still had occasional contact with my dad (although I'm not an only child, so I had a little sister to torment/annoy & vice-versa), I was just raised that at certain times the TV went OFF. Or that when guests come over you pay attention to them.

Fight for your marriage. But your wife's behavior is not acceptable, and you need to remember that. She needs a purpose even in her downtime. What's going to happen when you guys have kids? Or, if you have kids already - the poor kids!

I have no intetnion to fight for my marriage. I intend to fight for my wife. We were very good friends before getting married and still are. I have will not fight for my marriage, I will work on my relationship with my wife. (oh, no kids).

If people are reading this thinking "Oh no, Vrailles thinking of divorce" Stop. I've no intetnion of breaking off with my wife, and our relationship is rock-solid. I accept her as she is, this is just one area where I think she needs a little help. She's even told me this in the "I never want to become like my mother" lines she tells me whenever we get back from a visit to her mom's house (which is kind a sad, one time we went their to 'help' , i.e. do it ourselves, her clean out her kitchen. She had CANNED goods that expired in 1996. Meat & vegtables in the freezer that said Use by 1994. This was 6 months ago by the way). I can learn to live with a TV zombie, I just know she doesn't WANT to be a TV zombie like her mother. The key phrase here is 'like her mother'. She does a lot better than her mom, who is more a 'thrall who will kill in the name of TV'.

In the end, I just need help with ways to break her of it. She wants too, even tells me so. Then we go over to her mom's for Sci-fi Friday. Bad habits are hard to break, being in an environment that reinforces them just makes it that much more difficult. (I know, I've good my own I'm working on).

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

Just to be clear: you're saying you will "NEVER" change, but you expect your wife to.

I'll NEVER change my views towards TV viewing, yes. Namely that family & friends are more important than TV.

Now my views on acceptable locations for dirty laundry, the number of days dishes can sit in the sink, and days between shaving are all chanegable.

I'm more than willing to change (and I have, as has she) in a vast number of different ways. It's what marriage is about, after all. This is just the one area I cannot change about me & still be confortable with who I am. Which is, ironically, part of the reason my wife married me.

 

[BiggusGeekus]

1) Confront her. Fight.

or

2) TiVo. This way you can tell her to pause and she won't miss her show. Not really a great comprimise, but it may be a good first step.

 

[reveal]

1) Confront her. Fight.

That's pretty much what I would say. Because, if you don't, the ill feelings are just going to fester until it decides to rear its ugly head at the wrong moment.

 

[Dingleberry]

In the end, I just need help with ways to break her of it. She wants too, even tells me so.

This is a key factor I didn't get out of your first post, and the reason I posted my initial response. Judos for wanting to help your wife change. I recommend TiVo - nothing quite like being able to pause and rewind live TV, or just watch it later.