Living with someone of the TV generation

[billd91]

KEEP HER AWAY FROM HER MOTHER.

I'll say this again.

KEEP HER AWAY FROM HER MOTHER.

One thing I've heard from a few alcoholics, they can't associate with the people they used to drink with without falling off the wagon. Stay away from Sci-Fi Fridays at her mother's. Don't go visit her mother for days (especially if she's relatively nearby). Keep their relationship on the phone on in public spaces and not in-person around televisions. If her resolve to do better always crumbles when she's visited her mother, she can't visit her mother and still make progress.

 

[reveal]

No offense, rev, but that sounds a little melodramatic.

Once the TV is on, her eyes get glossy, mouth droops open a little bit and 100% of her attention is dedicated to the TV. And I mean 100%, communication becomes impossible if the TV is on. In fact, disturbing her TV viewing is akin to clubbing baby seals-with clubs made from Panda bones. Not that disturbing her is easy, short of an electrical outage or physically blocking the TV (which is what I do, risking my life every time), she won't pay attention.

She wants to talk. After all, she's 78 years old & wants to learn about the new people in the family as she doubts she may ever get a chance to meet them again. So she stands between my wife & her mom & the TV and says "Why don't we all sit around and visit?"

Wife & her mother: One leans to the left to see around my grandma, the other leans to the right.

So, how do you wean a TV addict? A life-long Addict? The daughter of an Addict? This is the one thing about my wife that really ticks me off & that I'll NEVER be able to accept. All her other quirks & stuff I can handle; but this will continue to grate on me every day.

I don't think I'm being melodramatic. All of my examples were because of what has previously been posted. She has done every one of them. She's missing everything that is happening around her. Everything. Why is that ok? Why is it ok for someone to ignore you completely and utterly because of something as trivial as television? If it were my wife, I would be hurt. Very, very hurt because, in my view, it would mean she cared more about TV than my personal safety (which is another example Vraille posted) or my feelings in general. And what about kids? What if they have kids? Is she going to tune them out as well because she doens't want to miss the People's Court? I'm not saying she will, heck that may jar her out of it completely, but the thought would definitely cross my mind a few times.

 

[Hijinks]

I really don't see any need for counseling.

Well, it depends. I think her reactions to being pulled away from the tv, and her antisocial behavior towards people like his grandmother, are actually quite abnormal. To me, someone's who just has a habit of being engrossed in tv does *not* get angry and rude to loved ones when pulled away for a minute.

It's the same as why one person becomes addicted to gambling, for example, and another person can just occasionally go to the riverboat and lose a few dollars without becoming addicted, and why a third person has no desire to gamble at all. Some people have more addictive personalities than others. I know I don't have a very addictive personality, although at times I've had smoking and online gaming habits, but neither one was very difficult for me to give up. My best friend, however, is addicted to cigarettes and can't give them up no matter how broke she is, and has in the past been addicted to crack and meth as well. I've never understood drug addictions; I feel no desire to take drugs. But she did.

In the same way, while one person may never watch tv at all, or even own a tv, and another person may watch maybe 1-2 hours of tv every couple of days, a third person may be so addicted to the pleasure they get from watching tv that they may need to see a counselor. From Vraille's descriptions of his wife's behaviors, I feel the need to watch tv is so deeply ingrained in her personality that she needs counseling to get her to stop freaking out about not being able to watch tv. (This is my opinion only.)

 

[Templeton580]

*

 

[I'm A Banana]

I don't think I'm being melodramatic. All of my examples were because of what has previously been posted. She has done every one of them. She's missing everything that is happening around her. Everything. Why is that ok? Why is it ok for someone to ignore you completely and utterly because of something as trivial as television? If it were my wife, I would be hurt. Very, very hurt because, in my view, it would mean she cared more about TV than my personal safety (which is another example Vraille posted) or my feelings in general. And what about kids? What if they have kids? Is she going to tune them out as well because she doens't want to miss the People's Court? I'm not saying she will, heck that may jar her out of it completely, but the thought would definitely cross my mind a few times.

You know what I see in VD's posts?

Exactly the same thing that the women in my family say during every Superbowl Sunday.

The solution is not, IMHO, to make them stop caring about Superbowl Sunday. The solution is to work around it. Controlling the TV (via schedule, TiVo, tapes, whatever) works around it. It means she can safely zone out when it is safe to do, and does not feel pressured by her wants/needs and the world around her.

IMHO, the solution isn't to make her come away from the TV. It's to not make expensive steaks when she's watching TV, because she's not going to want to jump to your aid. The women in my family don't ask for the trash to be taken out during the game. They don't demand that he pay attention to the kids while the Pats are going for a field goal. You live without each other for a few moments.

That's not happening right now, as far as I can see, because VD would like to bring her out of the TV catatonia. Rather than giving her a safe zone for it, he's denying her this thing that has been with her since before she could talk.

With a schedule, with control, he can give her what she wants (despite his own complaints), and she can give him what he wants (leaving the TV alone except for when it's the scheduled/controlled moment). With that measure of acceptance, she can have a safe zone for goofing off without hurting anyone. Rather than feel hurt and take it personal when he wants to watch The Game (or she wants to watch People's Court), allow some time for it. Control it. Cage it. Limit it. But don't deny it.

 

[reveal]

You know what I see in VD's posts?

Exactly the same thing that the women in my family say during every Superbowl Sunday.

The solution is not, IMHO, to make them stop caring about Superbowl Sunday. The solution is to work around it. Controlling the TV (via schedule, TiVo, tapes, whatever) works around it. It means she can safely zone out when it is safe to do, and does not feel pressured by her wants/needs and the world around her.

IMHO, the solution isn't to make her come away from the TV. It's to not make expensive steaks when she's watching TV, because she's not going to want to jump to your aid. The women in my family don't ask for the trash to be taken out during the game. They don't demand that he pay attention to the kids while the Pats are going for a field goal. You live without each other for a few moments.

That's not happening right now, as far as I can see, because VD would like to bring her out of the TV catatonia. Rather than giving her a safe zone for it, he's denying her this thing that has been with her since before she could talk.

With a schedule, with control, he can give her what she wants (despite his own complaints), and she can give him what he wants (leaving the TV alone except for when it's the scheduled/controlled moment). With that measure of acceptance, she can have a safe zone for goofing off without hurting anyone. Rather than feel hurt and take it personal when he wants to watch The Game (or she wants to watch People's Court), allow some time for it. Control it. Cage it. Limit it. But don't deny it.

If that's what VD is saying in his posts, then I agree with you 100%. Let her do what she wants, as long as both partie have established pre-defined limits.

However, I don't interpret them that way. I see a wife who tunes out everyone and everything around her when the TV is on, everytime the TV is on. Every. Single. Time. Her husband was in the backyard trying to stop a fire from raging out of control and yelling to her for help. When he finally got her attention, she was quiet upset, yelled at him for interrupting her, and was pissed off that he wouldn't get the water himself.

Now, in your case, let's say you were on the couch watching the Super Bowl and your wife yelled at you that there was a fire in the backyard and that she needed help putting it out immediately. How important is the SB to you to not, at the very least, get up and look to see if she's blowing it out of proportion? Would you be upset if you saw that a large fire was occuring because you missed a play or two?

 

[I'm A Banana]

Now, in your case, let's say you were on the couch watching the Super Bowl and your wife yelled at you that there was a fire in the backyard and that she needed help putting it out immediately. How important is the SB to you to not, at the very least, get up and look to see if she's blowing it out of proportion? Would you be upset if you saw that a large fire was occuring because you missed a play or two?

Some of 'em absolutely would be. "I thought you knew how to grill!" or "What are you doing playing with fire while I'm busy?" or "Why don't you have the fire extinguisher next to the stove?"

Admittedly, I think those guys are jerks. I've been through situations like that with ex-girlfriends, too, mostly involving them getting wrapped up in a book or sappy movie or TV show and me being at fault for not remembering that potential death is the only thing that is valid to call them away for.

I mean, she was angry, but she did it. My concern would be more if she ended up not doing it. It took some work, but she did respond to the need. She's not unreachable. She just wants to be.

And this toning out is why I think something like TiVo might be very helpful. Even if she's in the schedule, and some emergency happens, she can stop the TV and go take care of it and then come back without missing a moment.

It kinda just means that TV is more than TV for her, just like books were more than books for my ex-girlfriends and the Superbowl is more than just a football game for the men in my family.

Yeah, it's bad. But IMHO, that bad can be controlled and mitigated without being removed entirely. She doesn't, IMHO, need to stop being aborbed by the TV. She just needs to control when she is absorbed by the TV. In this, she has an advantage over the Superbowl, because I think we can all agree that watching the Superbowl the next day just isn't the same.

 

[reveal]

...because I think we can all agree that watching the Superbowl the next day just isn't the same.

Amen to that!

 

[billd91]

Obviously you're not a husband.

On the contrary, I've been happily married for 9 years and am the father of 2 kids.

In this case, if being around her mother makes her worse, Vraille's duty is clear. Keep his wife's mother at arm's length or at least never with a TV around.

 

[EricNoah]

I am sometimes the same way with books -- It took a while for Mrs. Noah to learn that she can't talk to me when I'm reading. She has to directly and specifically tell me she wants to talk to me and I have to put the book down so I can focus. It was always a blessing to be able to concentrate so fully in school, but it felt to her like I was ignoring her -- once I knew that, I learned to put the book down when she asks to talk to me; and once she knew how it worked from my side, she realized I wasn't being rude, I just need her to get my attention.

I have a couple of thoughts...

1) I have strong reservations about folks posting their complaints about their significant others on a public forum. You might get some good advice but if she learns you've been airing your marriage's dirty laundry in public she might feel betrayed. I guess it depends on how serious this problem is.

2) She needs to know how you feel (are you feeling ignored? are you feeling resentful?) when she won't choose you over the TV. I know, sounds lame, but it's very possible she just doesn't know.

3) You and she might need to develop a code or shorthand that will help her break her viewing pattern. If she's been watching for X amount of time and that's the limit you and she have established, then you should have a little code that communicates to her that the time has arrived. Something like a pat on the knee and a friendly "90 minutes already?" or something like that. And you might need a separate code or ritual or something when you need immediate attention/assistance (as with your grill fire thingy). But for her to be on board she will need to not just grudgingly agree to this but participate and decide what's fair and reasonable and effective. She also may need to find something to do with her time if she's not watching TV. Developing a hobby doesn't happen right away; she may need encouragement to do other things.