Reuters –
1/31/2007
A massive manhunt ended today when Hamid Raoof, ringleader of the so-called CN 5, was arrested by Federal marshals at 6 PM this evening. The search began after several suspicious devices were seen in cities around the country, devices disguised as innocuous ads for Cartoon Network’s “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” but which, in all likelihood, were part of a secretive international terrorist plot. Events unfolded rapidly in the cold streets of Boston, as the crack Boston PD detonated one of the threatening devices.
“The little sign with blinking lights depicted a box of fries with eyes, and another appeared to be giving us the finger. Clearly, this is the most significant threat to Boston since terrorists boarded that fateful flight from Logan on 9/11 2001,” said a spokesperson for the Boston PD.
“These monsters will be brought to justice,” added department of Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke. It was unclear whether he was referring to the individuals who placed the devices, or the animated foodstuffs depicted therein.
The first blow in this counter-terrorism effort was landed at 11:00 AM, when the first of the devices was detonated by Boston police. Prior to this, once the threat had been recognized, the Charles River, all major surface streets and highways, the airport, the municipal buildings, Massachusetts General Hospital, the city zoo, Harvard University, all MacDonalds and Burger King restaurants, Mei Ling’s manicurist, and Joe’s liquors franchises were shut down.
“This cost the city millions of dollars in lost revenue and work hours, but it was worth every penny, considering the alternative,” said the mayor’s spokesman.
When asked what the alternative might have been, considering that the devices were, in fact, rudimentary replicas of the popular “Lite Brite” toy from the 1980’s, the spokesman added, “I’m not at liberty to discuss an ongoing investigation involving the police department, the FBI, and the Department of Homeland Security.”
At this time, the FBI states that Mr. Raoof is simply a “person of interest.” When asked why this particular Cartoon Network employee had been identified, FBI spokesman Walter Harris simply said, “Well, look at his name.”
Russ Knocke went on to say, “We believe this series of ‘ads’ is really a form of signaling to al Qaida, Hamas, Hezbollah, or any combination thereof. We’re taking no chances during these hard times. Our politicians are working harder than ever, spouting ever more banal platitudes about the war on terror, and both sides of the aisle are united in this effort.”
Cartoon Network offices were stormed at 3 PM this afternoon, with animators, writers, and IT personnal thrown to the ground while FBI and CIA agents confiscated reams of color plates, scribblings, and notebooks filled with ribald limerics. “I can’t even begin to explain what we found in there,” stated one FBI agent.
Mr. Raoof, however, had conveniently left early to “play basketball.” He was apprehended hours later returning to his lavish Atlanta home.
FBI and Homeland security spokesmen have laid out several concerning factors surrounding the now-infamous Mr. Raoof. He frequently partakes in tabletop roleplaying games, similar to those enjoyed by students involved in High School massacres at Columbine and in Mississippi. Several Xbox 360 games with violent, anti-establishment motifs were confiscated from his townhome, and through an anonymous source within the FBI, we at Reuters have learned that the composition of his Madden 2007 team is “suspicious.”
“We may not have found anthrax, or a formula for a suitcase nuke, but the anime library alone is explosive,” said the source.
Friend Ryan Nock said, after hearing the news, “Well, Hamid did recently back out of our project – War of the Burning Sky – and seems often to lead somewhat of a double life, but I can’t believe he would be behind a Lite Brite ad campaign. He’s way too cool for that. Oh yeah, and check out our full ad spread at
www.ENWorld.org to get your copy of the modules.”
Some have suggested that the Federal Government’s response has been overblown to this situation, that this may be what it appears to be – a low budget ad campaign by a network stretched terribly thin by budgetary constraints. Famed tightwad, manic depressive, and eccentric egomaniacal billionaire Ted Turner has issued a statement – “Whatever those boys did, they did it without my blessing.”
Harvard legal professor Alan Derschowitz, always available for comment, told our reporters today, “Maybe we should try to understand the motivations of these young men. They are in desperate economic straights, forced to these actions to prop up a company supported by, well let’s just say it, geeks.”
But with a government on edge, and with both parties suffering from record-low approval ratings, any BS to distract the nation is good BS. Campaign spokesmen of the 20 democrat and republican candidates for president have issued statements that indicate their approval of the arrests of Raoof and his co-conspirators, unless, of course, this all turns out to be merely a huge misunderstanding that makes local, state, and federal governments look like complete idiots. In which case they were always against.
Early reports have several of the devices bidding for upwards of $1500 on E-Bay. Boston PD officials could not be reached for comment, though bostoncopdawg47’s light board of a talking meatball was currently bringing in that top bid.