One Last "women and mixed signals " question

[KenM]

Ok, I have one last question, this goes out to anyone, not just women, that send out mixed signals. To those that know when you are sending mixed signals, do you feel bad/ guilty when you do?

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

I figured you would have got this from the previous thread. They don't. Most people (especially women) don't even realize they are doing it. When they say "Sorry, something came up, I can't do anything with you" they believe they are being perfectly forthcoming and that anyone should be able to figure out what they meant by that.

It's the same way that I got yelled at by my mom and my ex-gf for not doing things I wasn't even asked to:

Mom: "You didn't clean your room."
Me: "You didn't asked me too, and it's been like this for the last 2 months, I didn't even think it needed cleaning."
Mom: "I shouldn't HAVE to ask, you should know."

Ex-gf: "I've been home alone for the last 4 hours, crying."
Me: "Why would you do that? I asked if you wanted to do anything tonight or if I could go play Magic the Gathering with my friends for a couple of hours. You said that you didn't care, and I could go if I wanted to."
Ex-gf: "Yes, and you should have known I wanted you to stay here with me."

They get angry or frustrated because they think differently than we do. They believe we are betraying them by purposefully not doing what they asked us to, even if they didn't use any words to ask.

The ones who DO know that they are sending mixed signals. Rarely this happens. Even when it does, it is something who believes that interpersonal relationships are a game of sorts, say the right thing, do the right thing, then it gets you what you want. Min-Max it correctly and your life and relationships are perfect. So, if you lie to someone to get what you want and they don't know its a lie, then you win. They don't feel guilty because they got what they want and they feel that the other person was doing the same to them anyways, so they are even. Everyone lies, so they have no reason to feel guilty (or so their way of thinking goes). If the other person is too stupid to figure it out, that's their fault and they need to seek therapy for not understanding them well enough.

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

Also, mod's although Ken made the mistake of naming this close to the same, the topic is different enough, I hope it isn't closed immediately.

 

[cuteasaurus]

Ditto. As a certified "girl" I can say that girls (AND boys) don't give mixed signals on purpose. Sometimes in hindsight you realize you have and you feel bad... Really, it comes down to "why" the mixed signals exist, and as other people have said in the other thread, it's rarely for the purpose of hurting or confusing someone. In fact, it's often the opposite. In my case, any mixed signals that might have been coming from me were due to the people in question being friends. You're nice to your friends (which sometimes leads them to think you "like" them), but when they try and ask you out, you say no (which leads them to think you don't like them). You continue being friends and then they think maybe you've changed your mind...and the cycle continues.


Ok, enough babbling on from me. In short: No, you don't feel bad because you don't know you're confusing them, but if you do after the fact, then you might feel bad because no one* wants to hurt people on purpose.

(*no one with a "good" alignment anyway )

 

[The Traveler]

Ex-gf: "I've been home alone for the last 4 hours, crying."
Me: "Why would you do that? I asked if you wanted to do anything tonight or if I could go play Magic the Gathering with my friends for a couple of hours. You said that you didn't care, and I could go if I wanted to."
Ex-gf: "Yes, and you should have known I wanted you to stay here with me."

People who are upset are not always rational or reasonable.

 

[Mercule]

Short answer: sometimes people don't know what they really need/want.

Sometimes there are conflicting obligations -- like (to pick on the above example), "My boyfriend really wants to game. I think I'll be okay, so I'll let him go. Oops, I guess I really won't be so good, but I already promised him. Maybe he'll be able to read my body language and stay home, that way I won't have to be a posessive bitch."

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

People who are upset are not always rational or reasonable.

Yes, I know. In this case, it also went deeper than that. She had a hormonal imbalance (i.e. during that time of the month she would cry for no reason that even she could figure out). A short while ago when I met her again after years of not speaking to each to other, she mentioned that she saw a doctor and they actually said it was a medical problem.

When I then suggested that at least we had an explaination for some of the things that happened (I was beginning to think I was the most horrible person in the world due to the amount of crying she did), she got pissed off at me and almost refused to speak to me again for insinuating that her behaviour may have been caused by her medical condition.

I've learned my lesson, never speak plainly with a woman, pretend everything is fine.

 

[el-remmen]

The original thread was closed for a reason.

I don't see the need to continue it in yet another thread (esp. since it is expressly prohibited). So let's quite while we're ahead.

Thanks

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