[OT] Hurting. (I warn you, this is *very* OT

[Sodalis]

Phoamslinger- that is some cold stuff.. and I tip my hat off to you.

In times like this, the last thing you would like to think of is probably the one thing that you will regret. he is right. Since your wife is not feeling at fault, she is thinking of more practical things like a divorce, and how to keep your son for child support, and other ways to make her life easier.
While you are thinking about how much it hurts, she is thinking of how much to hurt you.

So, I would agree that you should push this aside for a moment and fight for your son.

May God bless you- and know that you can always come here for support.

To paraphrase the teaching of karma, "though the net of judgement has holes in it, it will not let anyone pass..."
- she will get her come-uppins. And you will look on this day as a growth experience, and your future relationships will be stronger because of it.

Another thing i learned- is the trinagle of love (not the love triangle)
1)you have to love yourself
2)you must have respect for your partner
3)you must have affection for your partner

all three must be balanced, or else the relationship will not work. Right now, you do not have a partner, so you must love yourself. Do not fall into self pity or blame yourself. Things that has happened cannot change. the best you can do is taek it in stride and move on.

Best of luck to you- and know that the sun will rise, and that once you have hit rock bottom- the only direction you can go is UP...

 

[reapersaurus]

Well, you've gotten a lot of interesting and helpful advice and sympathy here.

Let me try a different tack:

Since usually us humans are blind to our own mistakes and misconceptions, I would recommend REALLY thinking thru (from your wife's perspective) all the things you did to contribute to this situation.
This is not to assign blame, or make yourself feel better - this is simply to make yourself a better person.

It will be painful, but hopefully inciteful if you truly analyze what she was feeling and how you contributed, and how you could have done things better.

IF you find things to do better, here's the thing - DON'T beat yourself up over it.
Just acknowledge them, and strive to avoid doing that.

*plink plink*

 

[Sodalis]

And since we are sharing thee wonderful stories about how the cheating woman got her's, here's mine:

bear with the background...
myfamily has always been close. On weekend and holidays, we have a large family gathering (my family has 7 boys and 2 girls- each with significant others and some with children) and have like a small BBQ in the backyyard. She was always invited.

Aftre we broke up (she did cheat on me...if that was unclear in my first post-that was the reason she wanted to see other people) she was no longer invited, but stopped by anyways. She did not get the hospitality that we used to give "family members" and the children (nephews and nieces) no longer called her with the proper title (being asian, everone has a specific title). She was really upset that she is no longer a part of MY family- and cried for days.

I was kind of happy to see her cry- because I know that in breaking up with me- she also had to break up with my family- and they are a HUGE joy in my life- and hers. After two months with the other guy, she came back to me crying that he is so boring and that she misses hanging out with my family.

Tough luck- I love my family, and they love me- and to see her hurt me, they took it very personally. I gues sthey exacted my revenge for me- by showing her how beautiful my family can be- and by her leaving- she left behind something that she can never get back.....

Only problem is, my current GF has problems trying to fit into my family- not that the family is making it hard, but that she has always been closed off. And now to ask her to open up to my family is a little tough. But i am opening her up to the wonders of my family a little at a time-and she is very happy to be treated as such.

the last i heard (mutual friend), my EX is still with the poor sap- and she constantly complains about how bland he is. he asked if she was still comparing him to me, and she said, "Its not that you can't compare to him, but that you cant compete with his family..."

 

[King_Stannis]

Lawyers...a necessary evil in this scenario I'm afraid.

I had a girlfriend cheat on me once...with a married man 20 years her senior who had three kids and was about a hundred pounds heavier than me.

When I found out, I was absolutely furious. But not the pulse pounding, screaming, hair pulling furious that you might expect

No, no...I was more of the cold-blooded, hands steady as a rock, perfectly calm furious.

When I was done getting even six weeks later, his wife had discovered the affair, had left him, and had filed for divorce and full custody...he had lost his job at the university (fraternization between school staff and students is a huge no no and he was a campus bus driver)...his car disappeared and mysteriously turned up at the bottom of a 60 foot deep gorge full of sludge...he was arrested eventually and charged with statutory rape (turns out she was underage)...

As for the girlfriend, her Baptist minister father found out about the affair and beat her like a red headed step-child, I believe he eventually threw her out and disowned her. Last I heard she had transferred to a school across country with some other relatives who were a little more forgiving

What can I say? I really dislike being cheated on...

looks like i've got a hero. that, my friend, is a great story - and a good lesson to philanderers.

revenge is a dish best served cold, no?

 

[Chairman_Kaga]

King_Stannis...I like my revenge on the rocks with a twist of lemon...

 

[Uller]

Remember, your son needs someone like you a lot more than he needs someone like her. Don't let him down.

This is the most important advice so far. It's not about the money, the lawyers, the career, the house, the car...it's about a 3-year-old child.

Your boy needs you. He needs to live in a home where familly comes first. He needs to know that BOTH his parents love him and want to be involved in is life. He needs both his parents to work something out so they both CAN be involved in his life.

If you think you're feeling bad, just think what this is doing to him. From his point of view, for reasons he cannot comprehend, his hero has just left town. Sure he get's to see you every other weekend or whatever, but if you're son is anything like mine(he's 4), a quality weekend together doesn't take the place of reading him stories and tucking him in and playing ball and asking him about his day at pre-school while eating dinner and setting an example, etc., etc. _every_ day.

Phoamslinger is right...your wife has a character flaw that she will likely not outgrow. So I don't think you should reconcile for the sake of your son. But do whatever you can to remain in his life as much as you can. If that means moving to live where he lives, even if you have to take a lower paying job, do it. He needs to know that you're not abandoning him. You must be strong and you must bear the weight of this travesty on your broad shoulders so it doesn't land on his tiny ones. I know that's not easy, but that's what it means to be "dad".

Above all, keep your nose absolutely clean! Don't give her any ammo to aid in denying you access to your son. That means no violence. No drowning your sorrow in alcohol. No missing work. etc.

Anyway...enough advice. I feel for you, man. I'm watching a friend go through the same thing(only no kids involved, thankfully). He caught his wife cheating on him, they tried to reconcile and then she did it again(actually, most of us believe she never stopped). He's a mess because he is realizing that the last 5 years of his life were an utter lie. Good luck and find someone(familly, friends, a support group, a church) who you can confide in and talk to in your darkest hours.

 

[Lela]

Above all, keep your nose absolutely clean! Don't give her any ammo to aid in denying you access to your son. That means no violence. No drowning your sorrow in alcohol. No missing work. etc.

This also means no spending time alone with other women. If you feel like you need to go out (and you should) then go with other men or as a group. She gets NO AMMO to use against you. You must appear perfect to a judge. Give up smoking. Heck, stop drinking caffine if you have too. She's taken so much from you already. She can't have your son. You won't let her.

As for Idaho Falls, if you need a job, a good place to look is down at the campus in Rexburg. Even if it's only a temp 4 A.M. janitor job working with the students, it's still a start. They're good people down there, they'll help.

Just as everyone else, if you need help, e-mail me. I understand what it's like to not be able to breathe. I know what it's like to just want to run, stay still, scream, cry, break something, break someone, talk to someone, stay quiet, be near others, and be alone all at the same time. I've been there, and will be again.

I've talked people down from suicide before bro. If you need anything. Anything at all, e-mail me. E-mail all of us. Right now, put all of us in a group list that you can send out when you need help. At least one of us should be near our computer at that time. Watch the love come pooring in. Just like it is now.

Go outside, enjoy the sun. It gets cold in the winter, but the summers are supposed to be nice. I'll be back up there in the fall and hope to enjoy the final moments of summer before the negitive temratures kick in. Take advantage of it now. The sun is good for you. It helps.

 

[Alcamtar]

Hi Kyle. I've never been in a situation like yours, but my heart goes out to you, and to your son.

I do have some thoughts:

First, I wonder if she was lying about the affair... did you ever talk to Christopher yourself? You were right on the verge of a compromise about Christopher, and THEN she makes an announcement to derail the whole thing. Then again later you reconcile, and after a week she again says she may prefer Christopher. It's almost like Christopher is just a convenient tool to use to push you away.

I am concerned about your move to Idaho. Absence certainly does not "make the heart grow fonder," but rather it widens any existing gulf. You know she is thinking about you, and she has already told you *what* she is thinking. Do you want her thinking those things without you around to defend yourself, without you around reminding her of your good points? Also, if she really does have an affair with Christopher, I don't recommend leaving her alone in the same town with him, especially since her best friend moved away. Who do you think she's going to talk to when she feels lonely and confused? (BTW, are you sure she wasn't lying? That was my first thought. Have you confronted him?) Finally, if you do get a divorce, it looks like you're the one who ran away from your wife and son; running makes it look like you're at fault.

Some have said "once a cheater always a cheater". It doesn't sound to me like she's a habitual cheater, it sounds like she's bitter and looking for an excuse to start a fight. Maybe she's trying to make you jealous in order to push you into changing. My wife does this occasionally: she'll instigate a huge fight (out of the blue) until we aren't talking, then start hinting that maybe we should just separate or else get used to having a lousy marriage. Finally when we do talk, I discover she is feeling neglected or has some complaint, and the grandiose threats and posturing were just a way to get my attention and goad me into action. (I don't know that she wouldn't go through with it; unlike me she has been divorced before, and may feel that is better than staying a mediocre marriage. Sometimes I think she just tests me to see if I really love her or if I'll just roll over and give up; it must be gratifying and comforting when I fight to hold on.)

Could it be that she is testing you, or trying to goad you into action. Granted an affair is pretty drastic, but it's worth asking the question. What has changed since you were dating? Once she was madly in love with you; what changed? What does she claim to see in Christopher? (Romance is a lousy thing to base a marriage on; what makes her think that in five years Christopher won't disappoint her too? She's making a huge mistake if she pursues this path.)

If you just roll over and give up, she'll not only win, but she'll be vindicated. She will have proved that you aren't worthy of her. You are a man! Be strong, persistent, and don't let go of what is yours without a fight.

Of course there is the adultery. That is a hard thing, and nobody will blame you for walking away. But again, if that is what you want, be forceful and take the initiative. Don't wait for her to call the shots.

Give her a few days without you around. Give her a chance to miss you, a chance to squirm when your son asks "where's daddy?" Then I'd encourage you to go back, and fight for whatever decision you make. Moving away will end in divorce if you don't do anything to prevent it, so you might as well go back and confront the issue boldly. Take the initiative, don't leave it up to her. Be strong and confident.

(If you seek reconciliation, I STRONGLY encourage you not to do it by yourself. Seek professional counseling; your own attempt has already failed once, and a trained counselor can help steer through the minefield. Also, you'll have to be willing to unilaterally change, even if you're not at fault. It's a hard thing to do, but sometimes necessary, especially when she *thinks* it's all your fault. And hey, if you CAN reconcile, if you get what you want in the end, who really cares whose fault it was?)

Remember that all the advice you read here is based on very limited data, and colored by each individual's personal bias and experience. Best of luck, and whatever you do may God grant you success.

 

[Sodalis]

chairman kaga:
When I was done getting even six weeks later, his wife had discovered the affair, had left him, and had filed for divorce and full custody...he had lost his job at the university (fraternization between school staff and students is a huge no no and he was a campus bus driver)...his car disappeared and mysteriously turned up at the bottom of a 60 foot deep gorge full of sludge...he was arrested eventually and charged with statutory rape (turns out she was underage)...

As for the girlfriend, her Baptist minister father found out about the affair and beat her like a red headed step-child, I believe he eventually threw her out and disowned her. Last I heard she had transferred to a school across country with some other relatives who were a little more forgiving

Gees- remind me never to piss you off... I might end up homeless, jobless, and topless, dancing for quarters at the local *questionable* bar

 

[King_Stannis]

Gees- remind me never to piss you off... I might end up homeless, jobless, and topless, dancing for quarters at the local *questionable* bar

and that was BEFORE 9/11/01. after what the chairman saw that day.....let's just say i'm glad to be in his good graces. lord knows what i would have done were i in his position.

in fact, c-k, you ought to tell your story here every couple of months. it's one of the most painful and sad tales i've ever heard.

never forget.