Trevalon Moonleirion
Explorer
I'm yet a young guy, so I have nothing to share and offer in terms of advice...but I read that story and... wow... brought tears to my eyes. My deepest sympathies to you--and good luck to you.
[OT] Hurting. (I warn you, this is *very* OT
- Thread starter kylekornkven
- Start date
Heap Thaumaturgist
First Post
Having experienced many other people's infidelity-driven divorces I must add my voice to the "Get A Lawyer" chorus.
People are some of the most horrible things on the planet. It's true. People you loved, cherished, and adored can turn on you like rabid animals. She'll turn it all around in her mind so she can rationalize her infidelity through demonizing you.
That's just human nature ... when we do something despicable, we demonize and blame the other party. And, to run contrary to the fellow that preached finding out if she's just pushing you away or some such ... I'd distinctly suggest against that.
She'll most likely try to turn the situation back on you, get you to blame yourself, and try to draw you back into the whole mess. She'll say she loved you, but you ignored her, and she sought solace, yadda yadda. Maybe blame a bad childhood, an inattentive father, whatever.
When it gets down to it, America is a culture of excuses, and we need to be accountable for our own actions. We won't be until people start holding us accountable. ... Does it really matter if she felt "ignored" or "didn't get enough attention"? It was her responsibility as your wife and parter to communicate that successfully and work it out instead of indulging her baser instincts and jumping into bed with another guy.
That, as Phoam mentioned, is a character flaw that she'll probably keep forever. And, I'm sure, it'll probably carry down. A friend of mine is going through a divorce with a woman that cheated on him ... and she's currently using a niece they had guardianship of as a weapon, telling the little 3 year old that "daddy doesn't want to see you today" and scheduling visitation on weekends she knows he'll have to work, and basically attempting to hurt HIM for the percieved slight that "led" to her infidelity. And using a child. It is, frankly, disgusting, but she's able to rationalize it all away in her mind.
It's probably safest to say to yourself that A) You didn't know her. and B) As somebody you don't know, you do not know what she is capable of.
Don't sit around thinking about murder or reconciliation or finding out what went wrong. Get yourself a lawyer, keep a running log of every exchange, and keep your nose clean like clorox. She might not go after you like a rabid dog, but regardless it puts YOU on footing to make decisions for once. If YOU want to be lenient if she doesn't turn spiteful, then you're in a position to do so. If you get caught with your pants down you'll have a: "My evil ex raked me over the coals, screwed me, stole my son, and ruined my life!" story to add to the one that ended your marriage.
Be ready. Be prepared. Think of an airtight case for custody and leaving a cheater and a traitor together as all the revenge you'll ever need ... because the alternative is having this much more pain added to what you already have if they catch you unawares. Jump to the fray first, teeth bared and lawyer set to kill.
--HT
People are some of the most horrible things on the planet. It's true. People you loved, cherished, and adored can turn on you like rabid animals. She'll turn it all around in her mind so she can rationalize her infidelity through demonizing you.
That's just human nature ... when we do something despicable, we demonize and blame the other party. And, to run contrary to the fellow that preached finding out if she's just pushing you away or some such ... I'd distinctly suggest against that.
She'll most likely try to turn the situation back on you, get you to blame yourself, and try to draw you back into the whole mess. She'll say she loved you, but you ignored her, and she sought solace, yadda yadda. Maybe blame a bad childhood, an inattentive father, whatever.
When it gets down to it, America is a culture of excuses, and we need to be accountable for our own actions. We won't be until people start holding us accountable. ... Does it really matter if she felt "ignored" or "didn't get enough attention"? It was her responsibility as your wife and parter to communicate that successfully and work it out instead of indulging her baser instincts and jumping into bed with another guy.
That, as Phoam mentioned, is a character flaw that she'll probably keep forever. And, I'm sure, it'll probably carry down. A friend of mine is going through a divorce with a woman that cheated on him ... and she's currently using a niece they had guardianship of as a weapon, telling the little 3 year old that "daddy doesn't want to see you today" and scheduling visitation on weekends she knows he'll have to work, and basically attempting to hurt HIM for the percieved slight that "led" to her infidelity. And using a child. It is, frankly, disgusting, but she's able to rationalize it all away in her mind.
It's probably safest to say to yourself that A) You didn't know her. and B) As somebody you don't know, you do not know what she is capable of.
Don't sit around thinking about murder or reconciliation or finding out what went wrong. Get yourself a lawyer, keep a running log of every exchange, and keep your nose clean like clorox. She might not go after you like a rabid dog, but regardless it puts YOU on footing to make decisions for once. If YOU want to be lenient if she doesn't turn spiteful, then you're in a position to do so. If you get caught with your pants down you'll have a: "My evil ex raked me over the coals, screwed me, stole my son, and ruined my life!" story to add to the one that ended your marriage.
Be ready. Be prepared. Think of an airtight case for custody and leaving a cheater and a traitor together as all the revenge you'll ever need ... because the alternative is having this much more pain added to what you already have if they catch you unawares. Jump to the fray first, teeth bared and lawyer set to kill.
--HT
Ulrick
First Post
Kyle--before you go off with the lawyers and all that do this:
It is good you have confided in others. Sharing burdens makes life easier. But next...
Go to a quiet place. Outside. Preferably at twilight or at night. This could be in the wilderness or even something like a parking lot. But you will know it when you get there. Perhaps you even have a place in mind right now. But it does have to be quiet and a place you're comfortable with.
Once there, look around you. Notice how quiet things are. Stand or sit, whatever is confortable. Go through the events in your head. Whenever you feel pain, inhale deeply then exhale. Do this until the events have played themselves out. Then ask yourself:
"What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
Then prepare to mentally accept the worst--if necessary.
Then figure out how to calmly improve upon the worst--which you have already mentally agreed to accept.
Finally, go home, write what you came up with down on a piece of paper immediately. Formulate a plan action to calmly improve upon the worst.
Then get some sleep. Take action in the morning.
Ulrick
PS: A lot what I said came out of Dale Carnegie's Book
[How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Its a great book to read.
It is good you have confided in others. Sharing burdens makes life easier. But next...
Go to a quiet place. Outside. Preferably at twilight or at night. This could be in the wilderness or even something like a parking lot. But you will know it when you get there. Perhaps you even have a place in mind right now. But it does have to be quiet and a place you're comfortable with.
Once there, look around you. Notice how quiet things are. Stand or sit, whatever is confortable. Go through the events in your head. Whenever you feel pain, inhale deeply then exhale. Do this until the events have played themselves out. Then ask yourself:
"What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
Then prepare to mentally accept the worst--if necessary.
Then figure out how to calmly improve upon the worst--which you have already mentally agreed to accept.
Finally, go home, write what you came up with down on a piece of paper immediately. Formulate a plan action to calmly improve upon the worst.
Then get some sleep. Take action in the morning.
Ulrick
PS: A lot what I said came out of Dale Carnegie's Book
[How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Its a great book to read.
Wolfen Priest
First Post
I think the legal advice you've been given is very sound.
However, I also think you shouldn't have too much trouble winning the case, provided you keep your nose clean; if you're like me at all, you're probably too hurt to enter into another relationship right now anyway.
My own advice would be to simply play the good guy, even if you do get beat up a little by it. Because, I think you are a good guy at heart, and it's important that you know that.
You very likely didn't do anything at all to deserve this. It was hoisted on you by her. But don't let her ruin your life. As I said before, and I can't emphasize this enough: if she did this to you, you never really knew who she was, so you should just recognize that you don't need her, even if it hurts like hell for a year or so, and it will.
I do believe that God watches over people just like you, and takes pity on you (in a good way!). Don't let her win by becoming a bitter, angry or vengeful person.
In the end, I'll bet you come away much stronger, wiser, and more complete than you ever would have been. I think that this kind of deep scarring pain can bring out a certain majestc quality in a person that normally never surfaces, which, if you endure this part of your life nobly, will be your gain.
And her loss. God bless.
However, I also think you shouldn't have too much trouble winning the case, provided you keep your nose clean; if you're like me at all, you're probably too hurt to enter into another relationship right now anyway.
My own advice would be to simply play the good guy, even if you do get beat up a little by it. Because, I think you are a good guy at heart, and it's important that you know that.
You very likely didn't do anything at all to deserve this. It was hoisted on you by her. But don't let her ruin your life. As I said before, and I can't emphasize this enough: if she did this to you, you never really knew who she was, so you should just recognize that you don't need her, even if it hurts like hell for a year or so, and it will.
I do believe that God watches over people just like you, and takes pity on you (in a good way!). Don't let her win by becoming a bitter, angry or vengeful person.
In the end, I'll bet you come away much stronger, wiser, and more complete than you ever would have been. I think that this kind of deep scarring pain can bring out a certain majestc quality in a person that normally never surfaces, which, if you endure this part of your life nobly, will be your gain.
And her loss. God bless.
Leopold
NKL4LYFE
AHH the ole homewrecker attack, i know it well..
Best advice has already been given, once a cheater always a cheater. Can you trust your wife? Up to you, but once this is done, it's damn hard to undo. So far the lawyer bit (get one quickly), sue for divorce, get custody (if you want it), and THEN and only then start trying to get back with her. Odds are she is very happy with christopher and 2/3 of the blame lie with them as well. But for the safety of yourself, your child, and your sanity, start looking into legal obligations if you ever wish to see your child again.
Best of luck to you and your family in this...
Best advice has already been given, once a cheater always a cheater. Can you trust your wife? Up to you, but once this is done, it's damn hard to undo. So far the lawyer bit (get one quickly), sue for divorce, get custody (if you want it), and THEN and only then start trying to get back with her. Odds are she is very happy with christopher and 2/3 of the blame lie with them as well. But for the safety of yourself, your child, and your sanity, start looking into legal obligations if you ever wish to see your child again.
Best of luck to you and your family in this...
Lela
First Post
Ulrick has some good advice there Kyle. I'd take it if I were you.
You said she was raised LDS. If so, she was taught from childhood how important marriage is. She should know that she is responsible for what she does. It doesn't matter what you did. Not at all. Nothing gives her the right to do commit adultry. Nothing. There is no way you can blame yourself. If she saw a problem in your marriage then she should have done something about it or, in the exreme, gone to get a deviorce herself.
She can blame you for her sins all she wants. You didn't do it. You didn't force her to do anything. She will have to face it eventually.
And I'll bet that everyone here, whether LDS or not, agrees with me. She did it. You didn't put a gun to her head. She is at fault. If there were problems in your marriage, she should have found a way to work them out. And, even if she tried and failed, she should have done something else. Adultary should never have even been considered.
Go see your current bishop. Get a blessing. And breathe. Deeply. Often.
One more thing. Forgiving her doesn't mean you have to take her back. They are completely seperate issues.
You said she was raised LDS. If so, she was taught from childhood how important marriage is. She should know that she is responsible for what she does. It doesn't matter what you did. Not at all. Nothing gives her the right to do commit adultry. Nothing. There is no way you can blame yourself. If she saw a problem in your marriage then she should have done something about it or, in the exreme, gone to get a deviorce herself.
She can blame you for her sins all she wants. You didn't do it. You didn't force her to do anything. She will have to face it eventually.
And I'll bet that everyone here, whether LDS or not, agrees with me. She did it. You didn't put a gun to her head. She is at fault. If there were problems in your marriage, she should have found a way to work them out. And, even if she tried and failed, she should have done something else. Adultary should never have even been considered.
Go see your current bishop. Get a blessing. And breathe. Deeply. Often.
One more thing. Forgiving her doesn't mean you have to take her back. They are completely seperate issues.
Kyle,
Having been through this myself about 10 years ago, my heart and best wishes go out to you. All of the advice on this thread has been extremely sound. SHARK’s and Phoamslinger’s especially.
Not to sound totally emotionless, but if you are headed toward divorce, be prepared for the fact that it is very likely that it will get much worse before it gets better. Divorce is usually emotionally, and nearly always financially, devastating. My advice to you then, on top of all the other good advice here, is the following:
1. Take care of yourself emotionally
2. Take care of yourself financially
(You won’t be any good to your child if you are falling apart)
3. Take of your child emotionally
4. Take care of your child financially
5. And lastly, get it over, one way or the other, as quickly as possible.
To use the old cliché: removing the bandage slowly hurts more than just giving a quick tug. Regardless, of the outcome, Kyle, I wish you nothing but the best.
Hang tough, good luck, and remember, we are all here for you.
John
Having been through this myself about 10 years ago, my heart and best wishes go out to you. All of the advice on this thread has been extremely sound. SHARK’s and Phoamslinger’s especially.
Not to sound totally emotionless, but if you are headed toward divorce, be prepared for the fact that it is very likely that it will get much worse before it gets better. Divorce is usually emotionally, and nearly always financially, devastating. My advice to you then, on top of all the other good advice here, is the following:
1. Take care of yourself emotionally
2. Take care of yourself financially
(You won’t be any good to your child if you are falling apart)
3. Take of your child emotionally
4. Take care of your child financially
5. And lastly, get it over, one way or the other, as quickly as possible.
To use the old cliché: removing the bandage slowly hurts more than just giving a quick tug. Regardless, of the outcome, Kyle, I wish you nothing but the best.
Hang tough, good luck, and remember, we are all here for you.
John
Last edited:
SHARK
First Post
Greetings!
Kyle, how are you doing? I hope we have been of encouragement and help to you.
Thanks to everyone for their compliments to myself. I have been happily married for 14 years, but it has had our share of difficulties, as any marriage does. I have also experienced many friends who have gone through divorce, and the pain and agony associated with it. I sincerely hope that my own life experiences can be a source of encouragement and help to people. This has been a thread of such great examples of people concerned, and trying to help a man in deep pain.
Pray for strength, peace, and blessing in these terribly painful times. I have found that it helps immensely. Good friends can help bear one's burden, and lend a hand to lift one up in time of need.
Semper Fidelis,
SHARK
Kyle, how are you doing? I hope we have been of encouragement and help to you.
Thanks to everyone for their compliments to myself. I have been happily married for 14 years, but it has had our share of difficulties, as any marriage does. I have also experienced many friends who have gone through divorce, and the pain and agony associated with it. I sincerely hope that my own life experiences can be a source of encouragement and help to people. This has been a thread of such great examples of people concerned, and trying to help a man in deep pain.
Pray for strength, peace, and blessing in these terribly painful times. I have found that it helps immensely. Good friends can help bear one's burden, and lend a hand to lift one up in time of need.
Semper Fidelis,
SHARK
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