o/
So, I think I’ve made a realization about where our disconnect lies. One way to define a game is that you have a goal, and you impose restrictions on yourself to make the pursuit of that goal more interesting. In a simple example like Candyland, your goal is to move your piece the end of the board, but you’re restricted in how you’re allowed to move your piece - you have to draw a card and move to the nearest square of that color. Nothing really stops you from just ignoring the cards and moving your piece to the end, except that if you did so, you wouldn’t really be playing a game. Getting the piece to the end of the board has no intrinsic value, the value comes from trying to overcome the restrictions that you voluntarily agree to, that’s what makes it a game.
So, to me and many others, part of the goal when playing D&D is keeping the character alive (perhaps in pursuit of some larger goal like achieving maximum level, or completing a satisfying narrative arc for the character or something). All the things in the game that can kill the character are part of the restrictions that we voluntarily agree to, to make the character’s survival meaningful. To us, making character death strictly voluntarily feels like just ignoring the cards and moving the piece to the end of the board. By removing the restrictions, it robs the achievement of its value. The struggle was, for us, the point, or at least a significant part of it.
I suspect that you and many others are playing for a different goal, and the risk of character death isn’t what restricts your pursuit of that goal, so it isn’t really adding any value to your game. It may, in fact, be detracting from your game, because while not directly restricting the pursuit of your goal, it’s still inconvenient (characters take a big investment of time and creative energy after all). So what to me is one of the main sources of value in the game, to you feels like a punishment for playing the wrong way, because we’re functionally playing entirely different games with the same (or very similar) rules.