Rate "Alexander"...

[GSHamster]

I got a chance to see Oliver Stone's new film, Alexander, yesterday. It was pretty bad. I'd rate it about 5/10.

Bad Stuff about the movie:

- it's long and boring (3 hours). At the end of the second hour, I was
horrified to see yet another flashback start.
- the dialogue is horrific
- Alexander has an Irish accent
- Alexander's mother has a Transylvanian accent
- It has all the subtleness of a sledgehammer to the face
- No Gordian knot, no Julius Caesar
- None of the early stuff in his career (Greece, Tyre, Egypt)
- Oliver Stone goes FX happy at the end
- The narrator, Ptolemy, is very boring. At the end I was like, "Won't
someone please poison him, so I can go home!"
- Too many people screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO"

Good stuff about the movie:

- Alexander is completely and utterly gay. I was wondering if they
would "straighten him out" (a la Achilles in Troy), but they resisted
that. (Unfortunately they probably spent way too much time on this.
After a while, the various men exchanging deep, meaningful glances got
silly.)
- The battle at Gulgamel is done well (unfortunately this is over
before the halfway point of the movie).
- They add the Bucephalus (Alexander's horse) parts of the story
- There are elephants
- (For the straight guys/gay girls*) Rosario Dawson has an extended topless scene
- (For the gay guys/straight girls*) you get to see Colin Farrell's ass

So that's my review of Alexander. I didn't pay for the movie and I still regret going.

* I figure this is appropriate considering the movie.

 

[Mark]

I heard in the Oliver Stone version the focus is on the conspiracy around Philip's death. )

no Julius Caesar

So, no time travel?

 

[David Howery]

Elephants? so, the movie covers AtG's campaign in India? or is Gaugamela the only battle shown in any detail?....

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

So, no time travel?

Well, forget that. No reason to see this movie now. I was hoping for some good old fashioned time travel. *sigh*

 

[barsoomcore]

Yeah, what's Alexander the Great without time travel? I mean, that's just Alexander the Not Bad, if you ask me. Alexander the Somewhat Better Than Average. Alexander the Pretty Much What You'd Expect, If Your Expectations Weren't Very High.

Even Captain Kirk had time travel, and you don't see him going around calling himself Kirk the Great.

Sheesh.

 

[Felix]

From what I hear, the Greeks are mighty upset about Stone spending so much time with his "implication" that Alexander was bi- or homosexual. True or not, precident or not, I hear they're mighty mad.

 

[John Crichton]

Wait, so Alexander was gay and had elephants?

 

[Krieg]

From what I hear, the Greeks are mighty upset about Stone spending so much time with his "implication" that Alexander was bi- or homosexual. True or not, precident or not, I hear they're mighty mad.

If you have noticed the preferred term currently is "Hellene" to get away from "Greek" and it's use as a colloquialism for a certain intimate act.

For whatever reason, they (Greek/Hellenes) are very touchy about that these days.

 

[mmadsen]

- No Gordian knot, no Julius Caesar

Seriously, where were you going with this?

 

[Particle_Man]

There was something (not in the movie, but in history) about a young Julius Caesar weeping by a statue of Alexander the Great, because Alexander had done so much more at his age than the Julius at the time had done at his age. But in the movie that would only have worked as a flashforward/framing scene from Ceasar's pov, and it looks like they are using Ptolemy for that.

Boy, it is too bad this movie is not so good. I was looking forward to it.

And if you want conspiracy, there was a rumour that one of the generals might have "helped" Alexander along at the end there. Also, Alex's kid didn't last too long after Alex's death. Sucks to be the infant son of a dead ruler.