RPG Products So Bad They're Good!

TSR's 1984 adventure module N2: The Forest Oracle is often cited as one of the worst D&D adventures ever published. In particular, one passage is frequently quoted - and, indeed, it's pretty funny as it described a group of brigands who are not tarrying, not running, have no expressions, are not soldiers, are not joking loudly, are not singing, will volunteer no information, but will not lie if asked a direct question.

4. THE BRIGANDS

A group of seven men approaches. They are following the road east, and are making good time, neither tarrying nor running. Their faces are expressionless. One is dressed as a cleric of some sort, and another is dressed as a traveling drummer. The others could be peasants or serfs going from one location to another for the harvest season. Each carries some sort of weapon. It is plain that they are not soldiers by their haphazard way of walking. They do not seem to be joking loudly or singing as they advance.

The party encounters seven brigands. One is the leader (Fighter; AC 5; MV 6' per round; HD 3; hp 13; % in Lair 20%; #AT 1; Dmg 1-6 Sword +1; SA Sword +1; SD Standard), of the other six brigands (Fighters; AC 7; MV 6' per round; HD 1-6; hp 10 each; % In Lair 20%; #AT 1; Dmg 1-6 [sword]; SA None; SD Standard). The brigands look like rough men and carry weapons that pilgrims or wayfarers would not.

The brigands charge when they are 25 feet from the party of adventurers. They are all armed with swords. Roll 1d6. On 1-3 the brigands surprise, on 3-4 there is no surprise, and on 5-6 the party surprises. The brigands will fight until they are all dead, or until the party has been killed. If a brigand is captured, he will offer to lead the party to his hide-out (Area 2A Map) if they spare his life. He will not volunteer any more information about the hideout, but will not lie if asked a direct question about it.
​

The main source of amusement in this encounter is the way the brigands are described not in terms of what they are, but what they are not; and they are described in terms of what they will not do. What do we know about these brigands?

• They are neither tarrying nor running
• They have no expressions on their faces
• It is plain they are not soldiers
• They carry weapons pilgrims or wayfarers would not
• They will not volunteer information
• They will not lie if asked a direct question

Additionally, of course, there's the use of a d6 with two 3s on it.

For those who can't live without a copy of the adventure, it's available here on DndClassics.com.

The above passage has inspired parodies, and this thread is full of them. Simplicity describes an encounter as follows:

A group of men head by. They are not tarrying or running. Nor are they singing. They don't seem to be making apple pies. As far as you can tell, they're not talking about sports. They neither have sombreros nor stilts. These men are not acrobats. They have no expression as they don't dally to the west.
​

LukeLightning enjoyed the module so much that he decided to write his own, new encounter:

14. THE WINTER WOLF.

As the party enters the clearing, they see a pile of apples. Read the description below:

There is a pile of 12 or 13 or 19 apples in the center of the clearing. They look as if they have been here for more that two days but less than four days. None of the apples show signs of being eaten. All of the apples are red. One apple has bites taken out of it. In the clearing you hear the singing of birds, but the birds are not running or joking loudly.

The apples have no secret compartments. As the party approaches the apples, they hear a howl. A local winter wolf (AC 5; MV 18"; HD 5+1; hp 27 each; #AT 1; Dmg 1-8 [bite]; SA Surprise on 1-4, cold breath; SD immune to cold) has been collecting all the apples in the forest in order to lure prey to the clearing. If anyone takes an apple or gets too close or avoids the apples, the wolf leaps out of the pile and attacks. Roll 1d6 to determine surprise: 1-2: the party is surprised, 3-3, nobody is surprised, 3-5 the party is surprised, 6 the apples are surprised. The wolf once drank a potion of sleep, but is awake now because it is not near a pavilion. It will attempt to use its cold breath on anyone near the apples, or anyone not near the apples. After two rounds of combat wererats (AC 6; MV 12"; HD 3+1; hp 16 each; #AT 1; Dmg 1-8 [sword]; SA Surprise on 1-4; SD Hit only by silver or +1 or better magic weapons) will leap out of the secret door. Roll 1d6 for the sleep spells target.

After the party kills the wolf, they can take the apples and the golden statue of the dragon as well.
​

 

[Lanefan]

Don't even get me started on the notorious H4, the module made for 18th-100th level characters, featuring cowboy angels at the Alamo, killing Tiamat and Orcus out-of-hand as if they're glorified ogres, encounter areas which are basically "There are 100 liches here. Fight.", and traps which boil down to "Save at -6 or die, no magic allowed".

Er...a pretty good argument can be made that says at 100th level (or even 50th level) you should be swatting Orcus and Tiamat aside like a couple of bugs, given how those creatures are designed in 0e-1e.

Then again, if your character's at that kind of level why isn't it relaxing on Olympus somewhere as a newly-ascended deity?

Lan-"if the H-series are that bad why are they so bloody expensive to buy"-efan

 

[TrippyHippy]

I think the king of all bad RPG products - that makes bad design and writing into an art form - is Hol: Human Occupied Landfill.

 

[Lancelot]

Er...a pretty good argument can be made that says at 100th level (or even 50th level) you should be swatting Orcus and Tiamat aside like a couple of bugs, given how those creatures are designed in 0e-1e.

Lan-"if the H-series are that bad why are they so bloody expensive to buy"-efan

Heh.

I've got no problem with Epic-level characters doing Epic-level things, but the H-series modules actually trivialize these heroes of legend. There is nothing epic about walking into a random room which is titled Poisonous Gas, that has no flavor text and is described as a featureless room, except it's filled with poison gas; save at -8 or die. Or rolling a 3 on the Wandering Encounter table and bumping into exactly 1,000 green slimes with 8,000 total HP. There is nothing epic about fighting a deadly battle versus Orcus and then getting congratulated by St. Sollars in front of the Castle Al-Amo, with the following flavor text: "Well dogies, I thought for sure you were gonna be goners! Sure as shootin', Orcus'll git himself another wand, though." Mmmhmm. That's clearly what Athena said to Odysseus at the end of his long journey, or what Merlin said to Arthur when he pulled the sword from the stone, or what Belit said to Conan after an epic battle at sea.

Or how about the Lake of Fire (area 2 in the Abyss)? Walk into a room and see a huge lake of fire with demons poking pitchforks into screaming souls. It's an illusion. If you fail to penetrate the illusion and attack the demons, your PC is automatically moved one step closer to CE alignment. If you do attack the demons, you must fight 100 Type 3's (glabrezus). What fun for 18th level characters!

Or how about area 6? 100 liches, 12 demiliches, 12 death knights. It's described as a "battle royale". If you win the fight, you get... and I quote... "40-50 miscellaneous magical items and the artifact known as the hand of vecna". That's it. That's the complete description of the treasure. How is ANY DM supposed to run that fight? That's 100 Azalins, 12 Acereraks and 12 Lord Soths. And the hand of vecna is just lying there, with no explanation.

What about room 11? The Lair of the Dire Whiner. It has a unique creature called a Dire Whiner. Her special powers are whine, complain, and put down. She's described as an elderly woman, of course. And yet that doesn't even crack the top levels of misogyny in these modules. I dare someone to ask me about the princess in the H-series.

This is immediately followed by room 12, the Lair of the Tarrasque. I'm going to quote the entirety of the text of this room, from the module. Here's the entire boxed flavor text: "A large horned monster sees you and charges in your direction." And here's the entirety of the rest of the room description: "This is a tarrasque. It pursues the players until it is killed or one or more of the PCs is dead.". For anyone who doesn't own the module, I'm not kidding. That's it. That's the entire text.

H4 was one of the biggest and most expensive production modules of the 1e era. It features full-color poster maps, a superb Keith Parkinson cover, and sells for INSANE amounts of money on ebay. H2 and H3 are just as bad, if not worse. Castle Greyhawk is equally appalling.

To claim that Forest Oracle is one of the worst modules of all time is just laughable, given the competition. Forest Oracle is actually playable, with a small amount of effort. The Bloodstone series are a sick joke.

 

[dd.stevenson]

To this day, that thread remains one of the funniest things I have ever read on the subject of RPGs.

 

[KirayaTiDrekan]

The 1st edition version of Clanbook: Malkavian for Vampire: The Masquerade was a joke product like Castle Greyhawk and completely unusable as an actual game supplement. A page with mirrored text (you had to literally hold it up to a mirror to read it), an upside down page, and a big XX filling up one page with a fine print joke underneath - I don't remember the exact wording but it was something to the effect of, "For all those references to page XX in our previous books." Just the table of contents alone gives you an unsubtle hint of things to come...

Chapter Won: The Malkavians
Chapter To: Legends of the Malkavians
Chapter 3: Traditions of the Malkavians
Chapter Fore!!!: Malkavian Templates
Liver 1: Who's Who Among Malkavians
Appendix 2: The Secret to the Riddle of the Universe

 

[ExploderWizard]

Actually, it doesn't look so bad to me (apart from the fact that "some sort of weapon" seems to mean "sword"). Like Voneth says, it's presented more as information that is given to the players in response to their questioning, not information that the DM reads aloud to the players.

- "You see a group of armed men coming towards you."
- "Are they running?"
- "No, but they're not dawdling either."
- "You say they're armed. Are these simple weapons like a staff or a hunting spear that a farmer or a pilgrim might carry as protection?"
Etc.

To be honest, this is how encounters are described in my group. Before I can give any detail, the players fire half a dozen questions at me and the description ends up as a series of "no, they're not doing that and no, that's not what they look like".

Its a real gem! With NPCs like: Evan the Forester Fighter Lvl 3 HD 2 hp 5

 

[PezlerPolychromatic]

The horror, the horror........

 

[Razz0putin]

Worst module Tomb of Horrors designed to kill characters is a horrible mindset for an adventure.

 

[Celebrim]

Or how about area 6? 100 liches, 12 demiliches, 12 death knights. It's described as a "battle royale". If you win the fight, you get... and I quote... "40-50 miscellaneous magical items and the artifact known as the hand of vecna". That's it. That's the complete description of the treasure. How is ANY DM supposed to run that fight? That's 100 Azalins, 12 Acereraks and 12 Lord Soths. And the hand of vecna is just lying there, with no explanation.

If we judge a module by the age that a merely average DM could have produced a work of equivalent quality, I'm guessing that N2 nudges out H4 as the more mature and sophisticated work. I was writing H4 like stuff at about age 11, and N2 like stuff at about 14.

But N2 occupies the position of 'worst module ever', because unlike H4 or 'Haunted Halls of Eveningstar', it's badness can be appreciated by someone without any real understanding of module design. N2 is so bad it's good, where as H4 is just bad. It's not really fun to talk about how bad H4 is.

My very first dungeon, drawn at age 9, which thankfully I never tried to run, was a perfectly symmetrical square mote and bailey keep. It had 3 levels and 10 towers and a throne room. The complete list of encounters was something like: 20 skeletons (repeated 6 times), 20 zombies (repeated 6 times), 10 ghouls (repeated 6 times), 5 wights (repeated 4 times), 5 mummies (repeated 4 times), 5 wraiths (repeated 4 times), 3 specters (repeated twice), and a vampire. I hadn't discovered proactive monsters, asymmetry, encounter design, descriptive text, or anything. The only template I had for a module was B2: Keep on the Borderlands, and the only part of it I absorbed was 'kitchen sink' (if every humanoid is a good idea, surely every undead is at least as good). It was to Castle Ravenloft what an average 5 year olds drawings are to the Sistene Chapel.

But it was still perhaps a better adventure than H4. At least I had an idea, "Here is the ruins of a haunted castle. Every sort of undead is guarding the castle, and their king is a vampire." H4 isn't remotely that coherent.

 

[Celebrim]

Worst module Tomb of Horrors designed to kill characters is a horrible mindset for an adventure.

I think that's a serious misreading of the text. S1: Tomb of Horrors is very capably designed to not have the DM kill the characters. Instead, it's designed to let the players kill the characters. That misunderstanding has led to any number of modules that are far worse than S1. In point of fact, S1 remains to this day one of the most sophisticated and capable designs for a adventure ever put to paper.

Just don't run it in a game where the intention is to develop and explore the personalities of the PCs through a long series of interactions, and you'll be fine.