Well....the good news is there's an xtension that might possibly work. The bad news is, it didn't work for me. Mind you, I probably shouldn't even be running Quark 4.0 on my Windows XP laptop, but I do nonetheless. I tried to download an updater from the Quark site to bump me up to 4.1, and that didn't work either.
I'm getting InDesign. On Amazon it's a few hundred cheaper than from Adobe. I'm going to have a glass of wine and try to relax and not stress out anymore about this.
(But I'm still going to try one last time to make Quark do what I want, on my fiance's Windows 2000 pc, where there's an actual printer driver connected. Going to try to do the old print-to-file and see if I can't blow something up. Jebus I'm stubborn.)
And one of these Saturdays Sean and I will stop by that gaming store in Ft. Lauderdale. I just emailed Daniel that we should all meet up some day - that'd be interesting.
Thanks for trying to help me, everybody. You're all the nicest and the coolest.