My own donation to this worth-while effort...
Aura of Repulsiveness [General]
You exude an aura that drives all people away from you.
Prerequisites: Cha 5-, Jackass, Schmuck.
Benefit: You are so repulsive that no living creature can come within 30 feet of you without difficulty. If a living creature attempts to approach you within your aura, they must succeed at a Will save (DC 20 + [100 x Cha penalty]) or be stunned until they are no longer within the area of effect. Obviously, this could somewhat interfere with your gaming habits.
Normal: Without this feat, you’re still repulsive as hell.
Special: This feat doesn’t actually do anything, but it might make you feel a little better having a feat that makes your repulsiveness sound like a special ability.
Borrowed Prestige [General]
Having no great reputation of your own (good or bad), you have the uncanny ability to stand upon the shoulders of giants to “borrow” the spotlight.
Prerequisites: Int 7+, It’s Not Over Yet, Lesser Idiocy.
Benefit: When replying to a post from a well-known board member, you can subtly “ride the coattails” of said board member. This allows you to elevate yourself far above the “little people”, because for a brief second, you appear to be functioning on the same wavelength and frame of mind of the other “cool people”.
Normal: Without this feat, you’re still a “nobody”.
Special: This feat doesn’t actually make you “someone”, though it does present an alternative to being constantly reminded that you are nobody, thus causing you to run the risk “kicking your own bucket”. In truth, this feat only makes you think you're "somebody". It is highly recommended that hose who select this feat should look into taking the It’s Not Over Yet feat as well.
Break the Curse of the Dork [General]
You are one of those lucky enough to be saved from your doom.
Benefit: When arriving at a gaming session, you do so without your fairy elf costume.
Normal: Without this feat, you show up to all of your gaming sessions in full Dungeons & Dragons garb.
Special: The only other way to cure someone of this curse is with heavy doses of experimental medication…and electroshock. If you need this feat, it would probably be a really good idea for you to look into the It’s Not Over Yet feat. Let’s face it…you need as many options as you can get.
Egomanical Egotistical Jackass [General]
If you were more full of yourself, you’d explode.
Prerequisites: Jackass.
Benefit: You have ascended beyond being a mere jackass. You are so in love with your whiney, grating, irritating, insanity inflicting voice that you would have sex with yourself if you could. You can barely pass by a full-length mirror without stripping naked and hurling yourself at it. You believe your opinion is paramount to everyone else’s.
Normal: Without this feat, you’re just a jackass. With this feat, you might as well paint a target on your forehead and run around the field of a firing range.
Special: Oh for God’s sake! How “special” do you need to be!? You’re bad enough as is!!! Also, this feat overrides the effects of the Get Whatever You Want feat, your that big of a jackass.
Feat Creation God [General]
You can whip up a new feat in record time.
Benefit: You can create a feat with a moments notice. No prior notification or request is required, as you are the god of feat creation.
Normal: Without this feat, it could take you hours, days, months, or if you’re just that damn stupid, years, to create a new feat.
Special: This feat doesn’t require your feats to be balanced at all. It merely requires that you format them properly.
Get Whatever You Want [General]
You can get whatever you want from your DM with little fuss.
Prerequisites: Cha 8+, Schmuck, Shameless.
Benefit: You are a schmuck. You know this. Everyone knows this. You don’t care. By sleeping with the DM, you can get just about anything you want, such as a Wish spell granting you a +1 increase to your base attack bonus or another feat. Whenever you use this feat, you must make a Charisma check. The check is set by your DM.
Normal: Without this feat, you just bitch a lot and are simply begging to be buried alive.
Special: My god…you suck. A character with the Shameless feat gains a +2 competence bonus to all Get Whatever You Want checks.
Greater Feat Creation God [General]
Not only are you are the master of feat creation, you’re feats are actually worth a damn.
Prerequisites: Cha 19+, Feat Creation God, Get Whatever You Want, Improved Feat Creation God, It’s Not Over Yet, Shameless, Shmuck, must not have the Jackass or Piss & Moan feats.
Benefit: Your feats are always useable, creative, balanced, and priceless. There is no possibility that your feats will suck.
Normal: Without this feat, your feats could be great, or they might really bite the big one, even though your DM will always approve them. Finally, you can actually take pride in your work.
Special: This feat doesn’t actually make your feats any better than they were before, though it does make you think they are, if only to help keep you from killing yourself.
Note: You cannot use the Feat Creation God or Improved Feat Creation God feats to create this feat.
Grow Up And Live With It [General]
Your personality has developed into something more akin to that of an adult.
Benefit: You can now make decisions and have opinions that are based upon logical thought processes instead of irrational behavior and temper tantrums when something goes wrong or when you see something you don't like.
Normal: Without this feat, a character is immature, pissy, winey, and complains all the time about how life just isn't fair because they took the wrong feat at the wrong level. The character also tends to bitch about how they are entitled to an additional +1 BAB increase to get that extra attack as well.
Special: Without this feat, your DM may hurt you and many people on the message boards won't like you.
Hate The Sage [General]
You hate Skip Williams more than your own hideous pock-marked reflection.
Prerequisites: Jackass, Piss & Moan, Schmuck, must not have the Grow Up And Live With It feat.
Benefit: You have the uncanny ability to throw temper tantrums like a 4-year old whenever someone shows you a Sage Reply that counters your argument. You are also quite adept at pointing out that The Sage is only human and can make mistakes, just like some of those really stupid ones that you have made from time to time. Additionally, you have the ability to automatically refute any Sage Reply, claiming that it is not errata, and this is your entire defense against his reply. No longer do you need logic to argue a Sage Reply, nor must you be clear headed, fair minded, even-tempered, or mature. Yes, you can finally act like a child and scream at the top of your lungs, or reply in big, bold, fat letters, “I hate the Sage!”.
Normal: Without this feat, you just piss and moan about the Sage as if he tossed you out like a used towel after a one-night stand, “Why doesn’t that bastard call me!?”.
Special: They make special medication for people like you.
How Does He Get Away With It [General]
You can perform amazing feats in taverns without getting yourself killed.
Prerequisites: Foreknowledge of the action this feat applies to.
Benefit: You can pee on the barkeep, his bar, his floor, and his stools, but he won’t get angry. In fact, he’ll be happy as hell.
Normal: Without this feat, you’re a dead man.
Improved Feat Creation God [General]
You are the master of feat creation, even if you’re not the DM.
Prerequisites: Cha 13+, Feat Creation God, Get Whatever You Want, Shameless, Shmuck, must not have the Jackass or Piss & Moan feats.
Benefit: You can get any feat approved by your DM, no matter how stupid, idiotic, improperly formatted, or imbalanced it is. Hell, your feats can break the entire damn game and it won’t make a difference to your DM.
Normal: Without this feat, good luck getting your feats approved.
Special: If you found this feat because you noticed that one of the other players in your group is getting really stupid feats approved, find another DM that isn't so frickin' ignorant.
Note: You cannot use the Feat Creation God feat to create this feat.
It’s Not Over Yet [General]
You have more options than you think, so cheer up.
Benefit: By selecting this feat, you no longer must shoot yourself in the head, as this feat gives you access to other feats that may improve upon your personality and wits.
Normal: Without this feat, a character is such an idiot that he must simply kick his own bucket and put himself out of the rest of the world’s misery. Characters like this can often be easily identified by their stupid as hell DM rulings, or their constant crying because they suck so badly.
Special: This feat can only be taken upon character creation. If you do not take this feat at that time…well…it was nice knowin’ ya’.
Jackass [General]
You know exactly how to grate on everyone’s nerves in the most subtle of ways.
Prerequisites: Like you need any?
Benefit: You’re a jackass. You’ve always been a jackass. You’ll always be a jackass. People hate you.
Normal: Without this feat, you just couldn’t quite be called a jackass.
Special: There is nothing special about you or this feat. Oh, and by the way, you’re still a jackass.
Just Let The Game Go [General]
Dungeons & Dragons no longer dominates your social life when you are not gaming.
Benefit: You now have a much better chance of initiating mating rituals with members of the opposite sex (or same, whatever floats your boat) and making friends, and quite possibly, even keeping the friends that you have.
Normal: Without this feat, a character tends to let the Dungeons & Dragons game completely dominate his life. If in a bar, drinking with friends, and someone spills their beer, a character without this feat is likely to say something along the lines of, “Whoa there, buddy! Looks like ya’ just fumbled! Hehe!”. This will get such a character dragged out of the bar into the parking lot, then beaten into a bloody pulp by his own friends.
Special: Especially lame people may have to take this feat more than once. If a character takes this feat, but their geeky behavior is merely reduced, they will need to take the feat again to have any further effect. You can take this feat multiple times. Each time you take it, you have a better chance of not being such a total frickin’ dork and better chance of actually getting a girlfriend or boyfriend.
King of the Wish Spell [General]
You are the master of the Wish Spell.
Prerequisites: It’s Not Over Yet, Jackass, Schmuck, must not have the Grow Up And Live With It feat.
Benefit: You can get just about anything you want with a Wish spell, due to your amazing amount of whining, crying, complaining, pissing and moaning, and temper tantrum throwing. Hell, you’re so good, you could even Wish for more Wish spells!
Normal: Without this feat, your behavior simply instills the desire within others to tie you down onto a lawn chair and shave your head with a roll of duct tape.
Special: There will not be any errata listed for this feat, even though many emails have come to me asking why the It’s Not Over Yet feat is a prerequisite. Our massive team of rules lawyers and game balance testers, comprised of over 3,000 people, decided to make the It’s Not Over Yet feat a requirement because, well, quite frankly, if you’re looking at taking this feat, then you obviously need the other one as well.
Lesser Idiocy [General]
People are more tolerant of you on message boards.
Prerequisites: Int 3+, It’s Not Over Yet.
Benefit: When you participate in an active thread, you get one free post before the flaming begins.
Normal: Every character is an idiot and rubs everyone the wrong way. When a character without this feat posts on a message board, he might as well be walking down the street coated in gasoline.
Special: This feat does not offer you any protection when you post a second time in an active thread.
No Reason Required [General]
You don’t have to justify your DM rulings to anyone.
Benefit: Any ruling you make, no matter how stupid, ignorant, retarded, jacked up, bogus, screwed, baseless, lame, or idiotic no longer requires you to explain your reasoning behind said ruling. All players must simply accept your ruling as the way it is, no questions asked.
Normal: When you make your DM rulings without this feat, you just look like an imbecile.
Special: If you take this feat, you are admitting you’re an imbecile, so you might want to look into the Jackass feat as well.
Pay The Frick Attention [General]
By pulling your head out of your butt, you can comprehend the text right in front of you.
Benefit: When you take this feat, you are now fully capable of actually reading someone's signature and/or title beneath their username, allowing you to avoid making a complete idiot out of yourself.
Normal: Without this feat, a character has the tendency to completely miss the signature of another board member, which clearly states that they are not the said (former) employee of Wizards of the Coast, as well as miss the clearly stated title directly beneath their username. All characters without this feat have their heads stuck up their butt.
Special: Without this feat, kreynolds may hurt you. Also, you will repeatedly make a complete ass out of yourself until you select this feat. This feat can only be taken upon character creation. If you didn't take it then, you're screwed.
Piss & Moan [General]
Self explanatory.
Benefit: Absolutely none. There is nothing that can change your abhorrent personality.
Normal: You’re just as bitchy as you were before, if not worse. Get a life.
Special: There is absolutely nothing special about this feat, or you for that matter.
Quick Kill [General]
You can deliver killing blows in the blink of an eye.
Prerequisites: Death Blow, Get Whatever You Want, Schmuck, Shameless.
Benefit: You can perform a coup de grace as a free action as many times per round as you wish. Also, you can do this anytime during the round, even during other people’s actions. Furthermore, performing a coup de grace no longer provokes an attack of opportunity and your target no longer needs to be helpless.
Normal: A coup de grace is a full-round action.
Special: Actually, performing a coup de grace is still a full-round action. Technically, it also still provokes an attack of opportunity. Oh yeah, your opponent still needs to be helpless. Oh, and one more thing, you still can only perform a coup de grace during your action. In truth, this feat doesn’t do a frickin’ thing except convince your munchkin-butt-pitiful-self that you really are doing stuff that’s impossible.
Reasonable DM [General]
You actually have logical reasons behind your DM rulings.
Prerequisites: Grow Up And Live With It, must not have the No Reason Required feat.
Benefit: All rulings you make are now backed up with legitimate reasons that can be easily explained to everyone. In other words, you’re no longer an idiot of a DM.
Normal: Without this feat, you’re just an imbecile of a DM.
Special: Watch out for DMs with the No Reason Required feat. They’re real morons.
Schmuck [General]
You are a pitiful gamer.
Benefit: You wine, complain, bitch, gripe, and throw temper tantrums more than most human beings.
Normal: Without this feat, a character might actually be called “human”, as they are somewhat tolerable.
Special: This feat doesn’t do anything on it’s own, but it is necessary to access many other feats for ruthless gamers.
Shameless [General]
You have no self respect.
Benefit: By having all sense of shame removed from your psyche, there is little that you won’t do to get what you want.
Normal: Most DM’s wouldn’t give you the time of day, no matter what you offer, even if you offered a crap-load of money, you’re that pitiful.
Special: This feat doesn’t actually grant anything, though it does keep you from killing yourself due to shame because of your actions.
Signature King [General]
You like really big things, probably because you don’t have a really big…never mind.
Benefit: A character with this feat is granted the ability to have the biggest f’rickin’, useless, flashy, bandwidth-hogging, ego-boosting, post-extending, page-bumping, I’m-so-cool signature known to man. Even God hasn’t seen a signature this damn big. You can put anything you want it, from a 50MB animated gif, to your entire senior thesis.
Normal: You are restricted to a normal sized signature, from one to three lines of text, five at the most. This signature, surprisingly enough, gets the message across very clearly, and may even inspire a chuckle now and then.
Special: If you have a large signature and you do not possess this feat, it is quite likely that you’ll get the crap beaten out of you for it. Actually, this feat doesn’t do anything at all, so you’ll probably get the crap beaten out of you anyway.
Thick-Headed [General]
You are never wrong on a message board, unless you want to be.
Benefit: When you take this feat, all of your arguments are immune to the attacks of others and your ego is in no danger of being bruised by such attacks. No matter how many people say your argument is full of holes, your argument is still undefeatable.
Normal: Generally, you have to actually formulate a solid argument that is capable of turning people to your way of thinking. Characters that do not have this feat generally suck at convincing anyone to see their point of view.
Special: Technically, this feat doesn’t actually make your arguments undefeatable. In fact, this feat only makes you think your arguments are undefeatable. Hey, a feat can only do so much.
Untouchable [General]
You are innocent, no matter what you are accused of. Your purity is unbreakable by those that obviously envy you so.
Prerequisites: Cha 19+, Egotistical Egomanical Jackass, Feat Creation God, Get Whatever You Want, Greater Feat Creation God, Improved Feat Creation God, It’s Not Over Yet, Jackass, Shameless, Shmuck, Signature King, What A Punkass, must not have the Piss & Moan feat.
Benefit: There isn’t a soul on earth that could prove you are responsible for any wrong doing. Nothing you do is “bad”. You could be hanging from the middle of a traffic post overlooking Times Square, strapped into a funky swing custom tailored to hold two people while you conduct the business of professional exchange with a street walker right above a crowd of thousands of reporters and cameramen that are all outfitted with 50X telescopic zoom lenses that can capture 5,000 hours of high resolution digital recordings, and you still won’t get busted. It’s all good, baby.
Normal: Without this feat, it is quite likely that you will one day have to take the blame for your screwups.
Special: Even Bill Clinton wishes he was as smooth as you.
Note: You cannot use the Feat Creation God, Improved Feat Creation God, or Greater Feat Creation God feats to create this feat.
What A Punkass [General]
You set the bar for being an ass on a message board.
Benefit: By selecting this feat, you actually possess the audacity to enter a message board for the first time, and actually disagree with the local “guru”. When the flames then get turned on you because, you disagreed with “the man”, you are a big enough punkass by this point that you actually have the tuercas to flame the local “guru”. Furthermore, all harsh responses from “the man” don’t even make a dent on your ego. Why? Because you’re just that big of a punkass.
Normal: Without this feat, the local “guru” or “the man” will more than likely chew you up and spit you out if you disagree with him.
Special: There is no guarantee that this feat will help you if you challenge the local “guru” when you have less than 200 posts under your belt already. Also, keep in mind that you need not be correct in your argument against the “the man” for this feat to be effective.
Back in a jiff!
