D&D 5E So long and thanks for all the fish!

[Dannyalcatraz]

Uncle Ted stood tall, "Oh I got this!"

With that, he reached into a small leather bag that hung on his hip, and pulled out a small furry ball that seemed to be...growling. He looked at the approaching Flounce, glanced at Bob, shook his head a few times, then, nodded.

In a fluid move, he took a single large stride towards the Flounce, whipping his furry ball-holding hand* in a sidearm throw, releasing what he held.

As it arced through the air on target, the furry ball became a fierce lion, which immediately began to maul the Flounce.

"Ha-HA! Enjoy that little present from Uncle Ted's bag of tricks! I hope you get cat-scratch fever, too!"

As the magical lion struggled with the Flounce, the (new) Party began to scramble. As they ran, Phinsk looked at Ted and yelled, "I thought we were going to negotiate!"

Jogging swiftly (not tarring or lollygagging), Uncle Ted replied, "Son, that IS negotiatin' where I'm from, down in Corbindallashire. Ha-HA!"


*

 

[rgoodbb]

The flounce were of course an illusion. One that had kept the adventurer's attention away from here long enough.

The cloud now drifted apart and reformed to spell out

Roll Too Initiative​

This was an obvious countdown. But a countdown to wha.....Damn that was never a waste of a second level spell slot.......

 

[BoldItalic]

Meanwhile ...

As the party moved on, the babble of whining voices faded away into nothingingness. "This way," called Bobuntil over his shoulder, and they followed him into a sumptuous chamber decorated with mosaics of dolphins and mermaids desporting. In the middle of the chamber was a large glass tank full of water, in which an amazing variety of flatfish were swimming. One, in particular, seemed to fill the entire length of the tank although it was hard to tell because it was almost transparent.

"What are these fish doing here?" wondered Verice, "Shouldn't we let them out, or something?"

"Or eat them?" suggested Jezza.

"These are souls of departed flounces," explained Bob, "we archive them here in case they ever return, though few ever do. The saddest ones, we call flounders, for they have truly lost their way."

"What is that very big one, it seems different from the others?"

Bobuntil spread his arms wide. "That is the So Long."

 

[rgoodbb]

They spoke (though telepathically through the glass) to So Long

"How long have you been here?
"So Long" It shook its head.
"About how long can you grow"
"So Long" Some fins moved to estimate
"How long can you stay underwater?
"So Long" producing pretty bubbles
"How long can you carry on saying So Long?"
"S-"
"It doesn't matter. Can we take some of these fish souls from you?"
"--"

"And So Long, cheers for all them Flounders"

The party moved on with fish in clear plastic bags with just enough water. It was fair ground, they thought....

 

[BoldItalic]

Passing a suspiciously ordinary patch of lichen on a rough stone wall, Phinsk perceived. He drew Jezza's attention to a tiny printed notice that was shimmering in and out of existence, as if it was trying discretely to draw attention to itself. It said

Raul Won Initiative​

"Who is Raul?"
"Dunno. Maybe it's one of these flounders?"
"But we haven't rôled for initiative."
"P'raps it's an old notice?"
"Should we ask Bobuntil?"
"Good idea."

Strangely, the little cloaked figure was nowhere to be seen. In his place a ten-foot tall figure resplendent in resplendence loomed loomingly. It spoke. "Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, I am Raul Acererak. I am your dungeon master for this evening. Please make yourselves comfortable and we can begin. It's point-buy and PHB only, no UA and no optional rules. There will be no multiclassing and please leave your feats at the door."

There was a general shuffling of folders, dice bags, pencils and little plastic figures of heroes seemingly frozen in improbable poses with weapons that were too big for them.

One of the flounders seemed agitated, as if it were trying to escape from its plastic bag. "But we always roll for stats," it said, looking round for support from the other flounders who immediately began arguing amongst themselves over who had the best plastic bag. "I have this problem DM," it whined and started a new thread which ignored what it posted and debated the surprise rules instead.

"Can I make my own background?" asked Ted. "I want to be in a guild of noble acolyte soldiers."
"Certainly. You maintain a noble lifestyle, pay guild fees of 200gp a month, give a quarter of your wealth to the temple and report daily to a psychopathic drill sergeant who hates you for being a nobleman."

There was a stir around the table as the players got the measure of how things were going to be with Acererak.

Another flounder grew agitated ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Moved to after next post

 

[Craig Fox]

All round the table, it grew quiet. Well, it would have been quiet had it not been for the sound of Stonnard's gut thunderously rumbling away.
"Is something the matter, Stonnard?" Acererak asked, with ominous mildness. The safe option would've been to say "No, nothing" and keep suffering in silence, but an 8 Wisdom is always going to manifest itself eventually.
"I'm so hungry!" whined the dwarf. "I only came in here because Bob Until, and therefore I guess you, promised me all the hors d'oeuvres I could eat. But there hasn't been a single hors d'oeuvre yet. Just stupid flounces and flounders and rolls for initiative which aren't even bread rolls and..."
"At this table," said Acererak in a voice just above a whisper that still cut all murmuring dead, "we earn our tasty finger food. Speaking of which, Stonnard" he said, fixing his gaze on the cringing dwarf "I've seen how often you eat iron rations and don't cross them off your character sheet. I've also noticed how often you eat a tavern meal, or drink flagons of ale, and 'forget' to deduct the coins when the DM tells you the price. I shall now deduct the value of what you owe from your current possessions."

There was a bang, a flash, and when the smoke cleared, Stonnard stood before everyone, naked. The flounders flinched, as one. It was a cruel thing to do to a man without any hint of a Dexterity bonus.
"You bastard!" Stonnard shouted. "How am I supposed to go adventuring like this?"
"Don't be such a baby." Acererak chided. "People used to end up like this at the start of the dungeon, and had to either wait for their friends who probably weren't coming out anyway, or do the walk of shame back to the local village. You're much luckier. Your friends are still here, there's a bunch of flounders, one in ten of who may actually be useful, and you're not down even a single hit point. Now stop crying, square up, and get ready to kick ass with your naked ass."
"He'll be fine." said Verice. "Besides, it'll give us a chance to get to know the soft, tender dwarf beneath the belching, iron-clad hairy grumpy foul-mouthed exterior."

Acererak nodded. The air shimmered, and the party found themselves inside the world's most generic tavern. Unshaven drunks sipped beer sullenly round filthy tables. A bored middle-aged bartender took orders, while a freckled barmaid slapped away wandering hands while delivering bar. In addition to this, a bewildered group of adventurers, with one nude dwarf, waited for a mysterious stranger to deliver an assignment.

Then the entire tavern's attention was drawn by an alluring smell of baking bread, and the bright glow of letters that appeared in the air.

WANT ROLLS?
SHOW SOME INITIATIVE.

 

[rgoodbb]

This ten foot tall figure, didn't move right. It looked awkward, a bit stiff. Maybe even a little....wooden.

"Hmmm" thought Verice aloud. ".........and with too many whining newbies with tales of woe..........I suspect a Ten-Foot-Pole-Troll! It might be time to abandon ship and join the rebellious flounders. What do you all think?"......And with that...


....Sashi came to, and immediately found herself being attacked on all sides by a war-band of Sahuagin. Fish. It was always bloody fish. WHY? She whipped out her duel Chains of the Herder and attacked all around her with five storms of thunderclap sword-burst Chain attack. It was one of her favourite moves.

Harriet was trying to impale a fourth sharkanoid on her embedded harpoon

The 'nardster was twinning potted plants

And the Flagon of Flounce were group gathering for a herd attack.......

 

[BoldItalic]

An axe flew through the air, in the best tradition of tavern brawls. It struck the notice and partly rent it asunder so that it now read

WAN - TROLLS!

"I knew it! Aaar!" shouted Ted with sudden Insight and a pirate voice. While everyone was busy with the next round of combat, he tore the cloak from Bobuntil, who was hiding inside the wooden Acererak and working it with levers, and threw the cloak to Stonnard who caught it and put it on. Little did they realise that it was a magic cloak ...

 

[rgoodbb]

....Of Teleportation Circlets....BAMF

BAMF. The two parties faced each other in a room WITH ONLY ONE EXIT! it dramatically claimed

the Nardster looked at the dwarf in a way that only a player looks at its character. How could this be? Players and PC's in the same room.

Verice had not even noticed any of this. she was reading a set of magical runes on the door

A rolling stone spoils the broth

Well that was not right she thought. Oh. its a puzzle uhm uhm I know this

"Too many cooks gather no moss" she blurted out and the door opened Revealing...another door. this one read

The Pen is in the eye of the beholder.........