D&D 5E So long and thanks for all the fish!

[rgoodbb]

Just then Lo-Mad cast its most deadly necrotic spell: Hurl of Herring

THAC0, who had readied his action for the last three rounds, finally rolled out the barrel from his rope trick trap door. He rolled well and the spew were caught like fish in a barrel. This was a barrel of laughs, more fun than a barrel of monkeys, he thought. Now he was just scraping the barrel.

Hermione looked up and sighed at his puns

Oh. He'd been caught over a barrel.

 

[BoldItalic]

Trainger! In all my years of teaching creative writing to the upper fifth, I have never seen such unmitigated drivel.

Yes, Sir, sorry, Sir.

What have you to say for yourself, boy?

I don't know, Sir.

What have I told you about the thirty-eight plots?

There are thrirty-eight plots, Sir.

And which of them is this?

I don't know, Sir.

Whatever possessed you to hand in forty-two pages of sheer fantasy?

It just came out that way, Sir.

It just came out that way, Sir. Can you explain all these references to fish?

You told us to put sole into our writing, Sir.

Are you trying to be funny, boy?

No, Sir!

You will see the headmaster after prep.

Yes, sir.

We may have to write to your parents.

Does this mean you won't be giving me the Mann-Booker prize this year, Sir?

We'll see, boy, we'll see. Pull your socks up and the judges might be persuaded.

Thank you, Sir.

Now, let's see if we can restructure this mess. There are too many characters with nothing to do. Cut it down to three protagonists and a chorus.

Yes, Sir, thank you, Sir.

 

[Craig Fox]

One moment, the cacophony of battle. Then, a phenomenal roar, a flash of brilliant white light from one horizon to the other, and ... silence.

"Crikey, what was that?"

"Wrath of God."

"Is that in the Player's Handbook?"

"No, it's a Magic: The Gathering card."

"Mixing game systems? Using an element of one game system to affect events in another? You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I can."

"And you are?"

"Guess. And be warned, I'm still pretty darned wrathful."

"OK. You won't hold being a lifelong atheist against me, will you?"

"When the time comes, we'll talk."

"Da- I mean, dam that river. So, they're all dead?"

"Yes, unless they have something more to do, then they can wake up."

"But why was I spared? And while we're here, who am I? This just sounds absurd. Oh God, please tell me who I am!"

"Stop sounding like a Supertramp song, shut up, sit down, and I'll tell you."

 

[rgoodbb]

The Whiteroom was almost blinding. The figure could almost be seen by squinting.

"...You....are...The Two."

".....the two."

"No, no no with capitals The Two!"

"Why am I The Two?"

"Because you are not The One."

"Why am I not The One?"

"Because there is no One."

"Wait. There is no one or there is No-one?"

"Correct."

"So I'm not nobody."

"Incorrect. you are somebody"

"But I could be anybody"

"Incorrect. You could be everybody. Ahh the other is awakening."

"What's their name The Three?"

"No actually it's 4T. you are a matching pair"

"4t2. I don't understand. What is the meaning of this?"..........

 

[BoldItalic]

Unintentionally funny?

Do you mind? I spend hours in front of the mirror getting that exint right. The ceptain of the fist tim was Daffers Prendergast, who went on to take triple gold in the Elympic Octathlain. What is so ixtrord'nry about that? I fail to see the duke.

 

[BoldItalic]

"I don't understand. What is the meaning of this?"

A mirror appeared, hanging in the air. "Look deeply into the glass. What do you see?"

"I appear to be a white mouse, with the number 2 on my nose."

"And your friend?"

"Also a white mouse, quite an attractive lady mouse, with 4T on her rather fetching nose."

"And knowing this, can you tell me what is the all-important question that is so eagerly awaited by the entire cosmos?"

"Is she married?"

---

Off-stage, a chorus of frogs sang the Βρεκεκεκὲξ κοὰξ κοάξ song to the delight of the audience.

"Good lad, Trainger, it's important to get some classical allusions in, you know. Just, don't overdo it."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you, sir."

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Aristophanes wept...

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

4T? That's pretty old for a rodent.

 

[BoldItalic]

4T? That's pretty old for a rodent.

Hmm. Rodents. Remember the old schoolboy joke ?

Caesar adsum jam 4T
Brutus aderat

---

I said don't overdo it, Trainger.

Sorry, Sir.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Hmm. Rodents. Remember the old schoolboy joke ?

Caesar adsum jam 4T
Brutus aderat

"Remember" that? I'm old, but not THAT old!