D&D 5E So long and thanks for all the fish!

[BoldItalic]

Ariadne's two interrogators, who were called P^uNK and T^uNK ¹, ordered her to empty her handbag onto the table. You can tell how utterly evil they were, just by that. Among the items that fell out was Ariadne's trinket, a pair of lodestones shaped like minotaur horns, which were a present (from the minotaur of course, who did you think? They did have this relationship, you know?). T^uNK picked them up, discovered how they stuck to each other and cast Dispel Magic, which had no effect whatever. This made him angry because, well, when you cast a spell and nothing happens you feel like a bit of an idiot because you've wasted a slot. "WH^uT ^uR^u TH^uS^u ?" he demanded in his most threatening tone.

¹ Sumerian cuneiform had no vowels.

Although the Sumerians worshipped bulls and knew all about them, Ariadne was unable to explain about the M^uN^uT^uuR. It just didn't exist as a concept in Sumerian. In the end, she picked up the two lodestones and held them up to her head like two little horns, to try to get the point across, while fluttering her eyelashes and looking as seductive as she could.

This had a remarkable effect. T^uNK turned white as sheet and recoiled, making complicated shapes with his fingers and babbling something that sounded like FISH TAR over and over again.

"Get up, you idiot, this isn't the real Ishtar," growled his companion. "Look at her, she hasn't even got a gate guarded by lions in her handbag. At least, I don't think it is." He wavered, suddenly unsure. If this was the goddess of fertility and whatnot, and if he wasn't awfully polite, his marriage prospects might not be ...

Ariadne saw her chance to bluff it out. She pointed a finger, loaded with significance, at his nose. "Do you feel lucky, P^uNK?"

 

[rgoodbb]

"Do you feel lucky, PuNK?"

The Halfling, Diviner, Sumerian with the Lucky feat entered the room. "Why yes actually, I do. And as Luck -or me!- would have it, I find also that it's your lucky day. Fortune favours the shave." And with that she began to shave off Moss's mullet.

"Oh that's a load off. Ta. What do I owe you?"

"Sick-Squid"

"...Riiiiiiight."

Seconds before the Red Priests of They arrived, LuCKY set about their escape, and through a series of other close shaves including a waxing of a Bugbear Monk that could have gone horrrrribly wrong, they Luckily found temporary shelter from the Caliph's Guard within the maze of the dusty old city........

 

[BoldItalic]

THAC0 was feeling slightly anachronistic because he was Persian and the Persians weren't due to arrive in Mesopotamia for another few millenia at least. Nevertheless, every situation was a business opportunity for him. He wasn't descended from Rugg The Carpet Seller for nothing.¹

Pronouncing his name "They Co.", he visited the local bazaar in the guise of a representative of a wholesale clothing merchant. People there seemed oddly wary of him, as if his name carried connotations that he wasn't himself aware of, but when you are an eleven-foot tall genii with baggy trousers you get used to being looked at a bit sideways. However, he did manage to trade with a couple of evil-looking wizards by selling them each other's robes at a small profit and thus gained three silver shekels and 14 clay goats in local currency.

Hoping to meet up with the others again, he made his way down towards the harbour where the Molly lay at anchor. The ship was oddly silent as if the crew had, to a man, been captured by slavers, marched up the banks of the Euphrates and sold to a wealthy landowner who set them to work clearing the local marshes of the singing frogs that kept him awake at night. It was that sort of silence.

Standing on deck and idly leaning over the ship's rail, he espied a mermaid swimming past accompanied by a bodyguard of pikemen. She smiled and waved and beckoned him to join her in the water. Her name was Bubbles and she was a merlock.

---

¹ No, it was for 5% plus commission.

 

[rgoodbb]

Bubbles the Merlock was of course a famous arabian singer/songwriter/bellydancer whose tracks included such hits as break your fast on my deep sea bass, Dogfish bark with a cookie-cutter shark, The Conger and of course everyone's favourite: The Hoki Koki

Bubbles was at this moment weaving her hips in motion to the Conger, an enchantment that was irresistible. There were seven Pikemen and herself, dancing away, eight (or Otto if we are getting all ancient languages) in total.

Bogweed immediately snapped up onto her hind legs, standing as tall as any humanoid. She could not immediately resist this trance/dance spell

Seeking enlightenment from the phrase a rolling stone gathers no moss, Moss tried to empower himself on the teachings of Spiton: The ultimate flamboyant Bard and his wisdom regarding the countercharm

Otto's Irresistable dance vs You can't always get what you want.

This is what happened..........

 

[BoldItalic]

A chorus of frogs descended upon Egypt.

Carp was quite enchanted and dived into the sea to frolic with the mermaid. You might say he was in his element. Yet so mesmerised was he that he forgot about the ship, his concentration fell below 1ppm and The Molly dissolved completely into the water it had once been. Seeing this, the gods took pity on the plight of the noble vessel and turned the barque into a shoal of fish so that her name lived on.

Sailfin Molly

 

[BoldItalic]

"Kelp!" cried Bogweed joyfully. "Kelp! Kelp!" and dived into the sea after Carp. In an instant she grew girls so she could breathe underwater and with a flick of her tail, she was gone.

The fish fountains of Babylon became the eighth wonder of the world. Some cities these days have fountains with carvings of fish around the base but they have totally misunderstood the concept.

In the Persian G^olf, the seabed rose up, was covered in grass and the occasional bunker and expanded until it reached a fair way across Arabia. It's not there now - it's the course of history.

 

[BoldItalic]

THAC0, having lost his magic carpet, re-equipped with a reed boat powered by flying fish. It was comfortably furnished with brocaded scatter cushions under a candy-striped awning and at the back were the tanks for all the fish.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

A fighting force of unparalleled magnitude!

 

[rgoodbb]

General Pattern of the Marine Carp boarded from their amphibious tanks, rifled and rustled through the chicken coops and other such materials on THAC0's new boat. They even looked under the boat. Once they had done, they left to a fanfare of Flight of the Valkyries.

"What was all that about d'ya think?"

"Huh"

"Not even a fish reference?"

"Nope"

"Huh"

Their boat ran aground on a sandy dune. Moss, Bogweed, Ariadne, Carp and THAC0 (did I miss anyone?) went searching for shelter and crested another big dune. There was a distant rumbling, getting slowly louder, and louder and there in the distance The GROUPa espied an insect man running down a steep dune towards an oasis. It was being chased by hundreds of Tareks. They were all heading for the Oasis. A group of individuals were frantically moving about and then one of them cast a whirlpool in the water.

"Oh no................Oh no, no, no."

"THAC0. What is it"

"Oh no, this cannot be. No."

"THAC0?"

"Oh no".............................

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

(I think I just figured out the perfect ending post for this thread...)