Tell us a joke...

[Bubbalicious]

Little Red Riding Hood was all grown up and had moved to the city. She had an apartment with Little Bo Peep, who was also now fully grown.
One day, Red Riding Hood decided she needed to visit her Grandma, and told Bo Peep of her plans.

Bo Peep said: "Just make sure you're careful, Red. Rumor has it that the Big Bad Wolf has been seen around for the first time since that thing with you and the Woodsman.

Red: "Yeah, I've heard the rumors, but he doesn't scare me. I've handled him once, and if I need to I'll handle him again."

Bo: "Well just remember, the Woodsman moved, and your Grandma lives way out in the woods, so there will be no one there to back you up."

Red: "Don't worry about me, Bo, I'm a big girl now."

So Red Riding Hood put on her little red panties. Then she put on her little red bra. Then she put on her little red hooded jumpsuit. Then she put on her little red boots. She grabbed a basket and left for Grandma's house.

She skipped along over the river and through the woods, picking some of Grandma's favorite berries and flowers along the way. A couple of times, she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye, but she chalked it up to imagination and paranoia and skipped on all the way to Grandma's house.

When she set her first foot in Grandma's yard, the Big Bad Wolf jumped out of the bushes and blocked her path.

Wolf: "I've been looking forward to this day for a long time, Red. I've done nothing all these years but dream of how I would exact my revenge. You've grown up real nice though, Red. Puts me in mind of something else. You're lookin' so good, I think it calls for a change of plan."

"Instead of what I was going to do, I think I'm gonna fu%# them little red boots off ya!"

"Then I'm gonna fu%# that little red jumpsuit off ya!"

"And I'm not stopping there, no! 'Cause then I'm gonna fu%# that little red bra off ya! And then I'm gonna fu%# them little red panties off ya!!!"

The wolf stopped then because he noticed Red Riding Hood was sort of laughing a bit.

Wolf: "What the Hell's so funny?!?!"

Red: "You've got it all wrong wolf..."

"The book says you eat me!!!"

 

[Mycanid]

Just heard the other day from my friend who visited another country earlier this year that the its people have been confused for decades why Americans have such a fascination for sitting quietly and watching (or listening to) yaks in the morning and the evening.

I asked my friend what he was talking about.

He said they asked if it was true that most Americans watched the morning and evening gnus....

 

[Angel Tarragon]

He said they asked if it was true that most Americans watched the morning and evening gnus....

Well, I for don't watch the gnus at all.

 

[papastebu]

Two old men in the deep south sat on a porch, watching the traffic pass.
Between them sat an old hound dog, licking his privates, as dogs often do.
One old man looks down at the dog, looks at the other old man, and says, "I'll tell you, I wish I could do that. I'd never leave the house."
The other old man looks puzzled, saying, "Well, you go ahead and try, but I think that dog'll bite ya."

 

[Merkuri]

I got a bunch of these...

A blonde goes to the hairdresser. The hairdresser says, "I'm not going to cut your hair with those headphones on. Take them off." The blonde says that she can't. "Well, I'm not cutting your hair unless you take them off." The blonde says, "OK, but whatever happens is your fault." So the blonde takes off her headphones and the hairdresser starts cutting her hair. A few minutes later, the blonde keels over, dead. Confused, the hairdresser puts on the blonde's headphones and hits play. She hears, "Breathe in... Breathe out..."


A girl comes home from school and says, "Mommy, what's sex?" Her mother is a very modern woman, and she decides to give her daughter The Talk. She goes over all the details, the ins and outs, ups and downs, and when she's done, her daughter holds up a paper and says, "How do I fit all that onto this little line?"


A woman is home alone and decides to take her husband's little boat out into the lake to read. She's reading in the middle of the lake when a man pulls up in another boat. "Ma'am," he says, "It's illegal to fish here. I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "I'm not fishing," she says, "I'm reading." "Well," says the man, "you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start any time." She looks at him and says, "If you give me a ticket then I'll have to turn you in for rape." Shocked, the man says, "but I haven't touched you!" "You have all the equipment," she answers, "for all I know you could start at any time." After a moment, the man says, "Have a nice day, ma'am," and rows off.


The FBI is looking for a new agent. They've narrowed it down to three candidates. They take the first one down to a basement room and bring him to a door. "Behind this door," they say, "is your wife. Take this gun and shoot her." The man takes the gun, looks at the door, and says, "I can't do it. I'm not your man." The second canditate is brought to the same door and given the same speech. He takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out a few minutes later. "I couldn't do it. Not with her looking at me like that. I'm not your man." They take the third candidate, a woman this time, to the door. "You're husband's behind this door," they say. "Take this gun and shoot him." The woman goes into the room, and a coulple minutes later a great ruckus is heard coming from behind the door! When everything goes silent, she comes out. "The gun was full of blanks," she says. "I had to bludgeon him to death with a chair."



With all his fasting, Ghandi was probably pretty weak, and his poor diet did awful things to his breath, and he always walked barefoot, so you could call him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.



A man has a parrot that will not stop swearing. It sounds like a sailor from the wrong side of town. In an effort to punish the bird, he shoves it into the bathroom, but he can still hear the swearing from behind the door. He tosses the bird into the closet, but he's still mouthing off. Finally, he's so fed up that he throws the parrot into the freezer. Absolute silence. Afraid he may have actually harmed the bird, he opens the door. The parrot hops out onto his arm and says, "I'm terribly sorry for my behavior, sir, I will make a true and sincere effort to rid myself of these shameful ways. But I just have one question. What did the turkey do?"



A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He puts the bag on the table and takes a small well-dressed man out and puts him on the bar. The bartender stares at the little man. "That's neat!" he says. The man shrugs and takes a tiny grand piano and a piano stool out of the bag and places them on the bar. The tiny man sits down on the stool and starts playing. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. The man takes one more thing out of the bag, an ornate bottle. "What's that," asks the bartender. "A genie," says the man disinterestedly. "He'll give you one wish." "Can I try," asks the bartender? "Sure," says the man, "but I have to warn you, he's hard of hearing." The bartender picks up the bottle and gives it a rub. Sure enough, a genie pops out and says, "What do you wish?" "I want a million bucks!" "Done!" The genie claps his hands and vanishes. At the same time, a great quacking noise fills the bar. All around are thousands and thousands of ducks. "That's not what I asked for," the bartender says. "You think I asked for a ten-inch pianist?" the man at the bar said.

 

[Heathansson]

Little mushroom walks into a bar.
Mushroom says, "bartender, buy everyone in the bar a round on me."
Bartender says, "what's the occasion?"
Mushroom says, "no occasion. I'm just a fun guy."

 

[Bubbalicious]

A guy from Ohio, a guy from Indiana, and a guy from michigan are walking down a rural dirt road, when they come upon a cow stuck in a fence with its rear-end sticking up in the air. The guy from Ohio looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was Jessica Simpson!". The guy from Indiana looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was Pamela Anderson!". The guy from michigan looks at the cow and says "MAN, I wish it was dark out!!!".