Tell us a joke...

[STARP_Social_Officer]

I know there's been many forums like this in ENWorld's history, but, truly, does it ever get old? Any subject of joke is welcome, though politics and religion are out as usual, just to be safe. I'd also steer clear of dirty jokes, just to be even safer. So, aside from that, no holds barred. I'm particularly interested in jokes from non-English-speaking countries, if anybody wants to volunteer one.

I'll go first, though I am in an English-speaking country (barely):

A guy walks into a pet shop, and sees a cockatoo sitting on a perch. As he's looking around, the cockatoo sayd "Oi, you!" So the bloke looks around and sees the cockatoo, and says "Er...yes?"
"F*** you, you filthy piece of s***!" screeches the cockatoo.
The guy looks around in disbelief. "What did you say?" he manages.
"F*** you, you filthy piece of s***!" the cockatoo shouts again.
The guy's had enough of this, so he goes up to the shopkeeper and says "that cockatoo just swore at me!"
The shopkeeper sighs and says "I'm so sorry, sir. I'll have to have words with him. It won't happen again. I'll tell you what - if you come back in an hour, I'll give you a 30% discount on anything in the store."
The guy agrees, and wanders away. When he's gone, the shopkeeper goes up to the cockatoo and says "now, look here, Bernie. If you swear at customers like that ever again, I'll sell you to smugglers! Do you understand me? I'll nail your feet to that perch if you ever swear again? OK?"
An hour later, the bloke comes back into the shop and sees the cockatoo. "Everything's OK, now, mate," says the shopkeeper. "He won't give you any trouble."
The guy orders a goldfish and the shopkeeper goes in the back to get it. As he's standing there, he hears the cockatoo go "Oi, you!"
So he turns around and glares at the bird, and says "Yeah, what?"
The cockatoo narrows its eyes and says "You know what..."

OK, that was pretty lame, now I think about it. Someone else do better!

 

[Hypersmurf]

e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.

To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning. But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows. Peering closer, he gasps in horror.

"It's a differential operator!" he gibbers. "He'll turn me into nothing!" And the constant flees shrieking into the night.

In his drunken state, e^x is on the verge of following his companion... but then stops to think. "Hang on," he says to himself. "I'm the exponential function! A differential operator can't hurt me!" And squaring his shoulders, he strides into the park, right up to where the differential operator is standing.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. "I'm e^x!"

"Why, hello," replies the differential operator, leering. "I'm d/dy..."

-Hyp.

 

[STARP_Social_Officer]

e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.

To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning. But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows. Peering closer, he gasps in horror.

"It's a differential operator!" he gibbers. "He'll turn me into nothing!" And the constant flees shrieking into the night.

In his drunken state, e^x is on the verge of following his companion... but then stops to think. "Hang on," he says to himself. "I'm the exponential function! A differential operator can't hurt me!" And squaring his shoulders, he strides into the park, right up to where the differential operator is standing.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. "I'm e^x!"

"Why, hello," replies the differential operator, leering. "I'm d/dy..."

-Hyp.

::slaps thigh::
It's the way you tell 'em, Hyp...

 

[Olaf the Stout]

e^x and a constant are out at a party one night, and amidst the drinking and dancing, time gets away on them a little.

To get back to their apartment, they need to cross the park in the wee hours of the morning. But at the edge of the park, the constant spots a sinister figure lurking in the shadows. Peering closer, he gasps in horror.

"It's a differential operator!" he gibbers. "He'll turn me into nothing!" And the constant flees shrieking into the night.

In his drunken state, e^x is on the verge of following his companion... but then stops to think. "Hang on," he says to himself. "I'm the exponential function! A differential operator can't hurt me!" And squaring his shoulders, he strides into the park, right up to where the differential operator is standing.

"Hello," he says cheerfully. "I'm e^x!"

"Why, hello," replies the differential operator, leering. "I'm d/dy..."

-Hyp.

Just to jog my brain, what does e^x become when you differentiate it by d/dy?

Olaf the Stout

 

[Thikket]

Just to jog my brain, what does e^x become when you differentiate it by d/dy?

Olaf the Stout

Zero.

The joke is some sort of irony (what can I say, I'm in Math, not English!)... Normally we assume that a differential operator will be along the same variable as the function in consideration; in this case, we expect the lurking evil to be d/dx. e^x is correct in assuming that such a differential operator would not harm him, since d/dx (e^x) = e^x * d/dx (x) = e^x * 1 = e^x. (See what I did there? I used the Chain Rule. The books never tell you that the chain rule applies for e^x, but it totally does. It's just useless.)

But WHOA!! The joke spins the world on its head and totally throws our assumptions for a loop!! There we were, thinking the differential operator would be d/dx, but it's actually d/dy!

And when you differentiate along a different variable than any variables in a certain function, you treat those other variables as constants. So d/dy (e^x) = 0, just like differentiating a constant.

WHOA!!

In conclusion, how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

[Jesus_marley]

In conclusion, how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish

 

[Zander]

Fred and Bob, a couple of old guys are playing a round of golf when a funeral cortege passes slowly down a road adjacent to the golf course. Fred, who is about to tee-off, stops, removes his hat and lowers his head for a moment. He then resumes his stroke.
“I didn’t know you were spiritually-minded,” says Bob surprised.
“Well,” says Fred, “we were married for fifty years.”

 

[kenobi65]

Three pieces of string are walking down the street on a hot day. They pass a bar, and one string says, "Let's get a drink." But, when they get to the door, they see a sign in the door: "No Strings Allowed."

The first string says, "They can't be serious about that. I'll go check it out." He heads into the bar, hops up onto a barstool, and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer." The bartender replies, "We don't serve strings here," motions to the bouncer, and the string gets thrown out into the street.

The second string says, "Hey, they can't do that!" He heads into the bar, and is just as quickly thrown back out.

The third string says, "Hey, I've got an idea." He starts to unravel himself a bit at both ends, and then contorts his body into a big tangle. He then heads into the bar.

The bartender eyes him. "Say, are you another string?"

"No, sir, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[kenobi65]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- Two. The real trick is getting them in there.



How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

- Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

 

[Pbartender]

The Funniest Joke in the World...

I know there's been many forums like this in ENWorld's history, but, truly, does it ever get old? Any subject of joke is welcome, though politics and religion are out as usual, just to be safe. I'd also steer clear of dirty jokes, just to be even safer. So, aside from that, no holds barred. I'm particularly interested in jokes from non-English-speaking countries, if anybody wants to volunteer one.

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!