The "Favorite Simpsons Quotes" thread.

[Tauric]

My wife put this one on ours screensaver: "in this house we butter our bacon", which is followed by "bacon up that sausage, boy!"

Lisa to Homer, about what she does to cope with being ostracized for being smart: tai chi and chai tea.

My absolute favorite is from a recent episode:

"Son, sometimes a man has to endanger his marriage for reasons even he doesn't understand."

 

[Alzrius]

Flanders sings to his two kids (to the tune of "She'll be coming' around the mountain") inside their panic room to allay their fears after he hits the silent alarm:

"We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come.
We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come.
Unless they have a blowtorch or a poison gas-injector
We'll be safe inside our fortress when they come."

Otto's last words to the school kids as he's washed out to sea: "Zepplin rules!"

Homer refers to a yuppie executive he just met: "He's got a company that makes computers...or a computer that makes companies."

Frank Grimes chews out Homer, and Bart comments: "In any, ANY other country in the world, you would have starved to death long ago!" "He's got you there Dad."

Duffman waters his front lawn: "That brown patch needs some H-2-O! Oh yeah!"

Some little girl complains to Moe about his family restaurant, and he responds: "Unky Moe, my sody is too cold, my teef hurt." "Aw, yer teef hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! And I'll tell ya what ya can do with yer freakin' sody!"

Mr. Burns and Smithers discuss a rock that just hurtled through Mr. Burns's office window: "Why look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost it's sense of direction." "I think its a rock sir." "We'll see what the lab has to say about this."

Homer sings his version of the Flintstones theme while driving home from work:
"Simpson! Homer Simpson!
He's the greatest guy in history!
In the, town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chesnut tree!"

Lenny, Carl, and some other guy discuss their journey to Ape Island:
"Hey, I heard we're heading to Ape Island."
"What for?"
"To capture a giant ape. Boy I sure wish we were headed to Candy Apple Island."
"Candy Apple Island? What do they have there?"
"Apes, only not so big."

Flanders makes his displeasure known to members of the Movementarian cult who enter his home: "As guests I'm obliged to offer you a beer, but right now I'm so angry that it's going to be mostly head!"

Otto and Barney discuss their lifestyle arrangements after having been married by the Leader of the Movementarians: "Now remember, we agreed: I'm the man." "You're the man!"

Bart informs Lisa of what he's done with her science log about her experiment to see if he is smarter than a hamster: "I've hidden it. You'll only find it by following a series of clues I've laid out, each one more devious than the-" "Found it!"

 

[drakeblackblade]

[
Bart: This sucks!
Marge: Bart! Where did you learn such language?!
Homer (on the telephone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked a suck!

Homer (on the telephone): Uh oh, can't talk now, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Lisa: We're not weiners.
Homer (indicating their school uniforms): Well, then why are you dressed like that?
Lisa: They made us.
Homer: Ooohhh, they made us. That's loser talk. You've gotta be winners, like my bowling team.



Let's see, what else can I scrounge outta the ol' brain box...

Homer: Stealing? How could you!? We live in a society of laws. Haven't you been listening to the guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's his name... And why do you think I took you to all those police academy movies? For fun!? I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Well, there was that one guy who made those sound effects with his voice... (pshoo, brrrrwooo, wee oo, wee oo...) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, stay outta my booze!



Mr. Chris

 

[johnsemlak]

Ah the memories...

Homer: The two sweetest words in the English language--DEfault!!

Homer (to bart in a golf tourney): Rememvber the words of Vincent Lombardi--"If you loose, your out of the family."

Superintendant: We're dropping the geography requirement. The results were getting embarressing.
Skinner: "Back to the three Rs!
Superintendant: Two come next November.

 

[Tsyr]

Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, pig, an idiot, a communist but he is not a porn star!

Homer: "If anyone asks, Marge, you need 24 hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie's seven people and Bart was wounded in Vietnam."

Smithers: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre."
Mr.Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones!"

Lisa: "Dad, we did something very bad!"
Homer: "Did you wreck the car?"
Bart: "No."
Homer: "Did you raise the dead?"
Lisa: "Yes."
Homer: "But the car's okay?"
Bart and Lisa: "Uh-huh."
Homer: "All right then."

Wiggum: What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Moe: You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? So some pimply little puke can treat you like dirt because you're not on the team. Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff...

Kent: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

 

[Sirius_Black]

I'm probably not getting the quote exactly right, but fans will remember the moment:

Homer on teachers about to strike:

"Lisa, that's not right. If you don't like your job, you don't go on strike. You do what every other American does. You do it half-assed."

**
My world and welcome to it with many of the co-workers I've had.

 

[Qlippoth]

Homer: "Mmmmmmm. Floorpie!"

Homer:"You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

Homer: "Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?"
Marge: (sighs) "Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa."
Lisa: "Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products."
Bart: "You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?"
Homer: "Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning."
Marge: "Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart."
Homer: "Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out."
Marge: "Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said."
Homer: "Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case."
Bart: "Uh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to."
Homer: "Bart! Go to your room!"

 

[Villano]

How could I have forgotten this?:

Grandpa (leaving the house): I'm going to the outhouse.
Lisa: Dad, we don't have an outhouse.
Homer: My toolshed!

From the Halloween parody of Nightmare on Elm Street:

Lisa: If we fall asleep, we may never wake up again.
Grandpa: Welcome to my world!

 

[Particle_Man]

Homer at an ice-cream store:

"Mmmm...Chocolate. Oooooh...Double Chocolate. <gasp> Triple Chocolate!"

From the "Monkey's Paw" Halloween episode:

Lisa: "I wish for World Peace."
Homer: "Lisa that was a very selfish wish!"

And I wish I could remember the Homer rant to Mr. Burns about Dogs and bees, and bees coming out of the dogs' mouths when they barked...

Principle Skinner: "Bart, for this infringement we shall punish you by forcing you to do menial janitorial work."
Willie: "For pity's sake sir, I'm standing right here!"

Homer (rooting behind the couch for a peanut) (groans): "Oh, twenty dollars"
Homer's Brain: "Wait, twenty dollars can get you many peanuts."
Homer: "Tell me how!"
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."
Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

 

[Caliber]

Otto: "Man what have I been smoking? Oh yeah! Pot!"

Otto: "Dude, they call 'em fingers but have you ever seen 'em fing? Oh there they go"

On one Halloween Episode Homer's horoscope said he'd die and as he is driving down the street a pickaxe falls off of the truck in front of him and hits him in the head.

"Stupid flooropope."