The game I play in just dies... and it turns out it's my fault.
- Thread starter AuroraGyps
- Start date
Cannibal_Kender
First Post
As other people have mentioned, there should be many groups in Buffalo. I'm in Fredonia, only an hour from Buffalo, and there are a fair amount of gamers here. I know of at least 6 or 7 groups besides my own (not too bad for a town of 10,000, half of which is the college).
I'd say that you have a situation there that you didn't realize. It seems the rest of the group was established beforehand. With you coming in from the outside, unfortunately some people (seems like your GM for one) will consider you an outsider, not a real member of the group. Since you're not really a member of the group--just someone that games with them--you're not entitled to the perks of being a social member of the group. I know it seems icky, but that seems to be the social situation you were in. Eventually, members of the group should start warming up, but until then, I think you have to consider that these are not "friends" yet, just acquaintances. Maybe you could pick one of the people in the group and do something social with him or her now, to start giving yourself some form of social net. Keep with light things, and don't work out your problems with them unless they bring it up.
I'll second the benefits of EN World. For starters, you're more likely to be able to talk to people that you would game with from here through the boards--you're more likely to know their personalities, and they to know yours. It lets you skip a lot of the stuff that I've put above where you don't get to be a full-fledged group member. Or at least, it allows you to have a closer relationship more quickly with some members of the group.
Good luck going forward.
I'll second the benefits of EN World. For starters, you're more likely to be able to talk to people that you would game with from here through the boards--you're more likely to know their personalities, and they to know yours. It lets you skip a lot of the stuff that I've put above where you don't get to be a full-fledged group member. Or at least, it allows you to have a closer relationship more quickly with some members of the group.
Good luck going forward.
StalkingBlue
First Post
AG - First, best of luck to you, sounds like you're going through some difficult times. You'll pull through and you're right, things often look weird when you are in the middle of a big change in your life.
It's a hard thing to deal with when a group doesn't want you around anymore and especially difficult when you don't feel secure in your life, but it happens. It can happen to anyone, it doesn't mean that you're unfit to be friends with people, only that this particular set didn't want you around.
Unlike other people who have posted to this thread, I do not believe that anyone is entitled to other people's company or friendship - whether they liked having around to game, hearing about your problems, taking you along to the cinema etc. is all their own business. There's nothing unfair about it and you don't have a claim to it being otherwise.
The one thing I think is unfortunate is that apparently they talked about you behind your back in an unfriendly and exaggerated manner (again, let's face it, that is something quite normal for people to do when they have difficulty with someone! Haven't you done that? I know I have) - but then they were tactless enough to leave their messages around on the LJ where apparently you were able to access and read them.
I can see why all that hurts you a lot and that you are aching to answer back. But those were words not meant for you, likely exaggerated because people were venting, and most probably not even meant quite the way they were said once emotion has blown off.
So shrug it off. It's hard but it's necessary. You're making things harder for yourself - and for no one else! - by going back over it again and again. You have to see that it's just those people's opinion, not a value judgemnt on you as a person.
You'll find a group that suits you better I'm sure. Don't let one group gone bad persuade you otherwise.
And please, please don't let people on these boards persuade you that that group was withholding something from you that you were entitled to. They were not, and thinking otherwise is dangerous when you try to make new friends. How close people want to get to you is their own choice. Getting invited to gaming isn't a carte blanche for being included in their lives.
Best wishes for going forward.
It's a hard thing to deal with when a group doesn't want you around anymore and especially difficult when you don't feel secure in your life, but it happens. It can happen to anyone, it doesn't mean that you're unfit to be friends with people, only that this particular set didn't want you around.
Unlike other people who have posted to this thread, I do not believe that anyone is entitled to other people's company or friendship - whether they liked having around to game, hearing about your problems, taking you along to the cinema etc. is all their own business. There's nothing unfair about it and you don't have a claim to it being otherwise.
The one thing I think is unfortunate is that apparently they talked about you behind your back in an unfriendly and exaggerated manner (again, let's face it, that is something quite normal for people to do when they have difficulty with someone! Haven't you done that? I know I have) - but then they were tactless enough to leave their messages around on the LJ where apparently you were able to access and read them.
I can see why all that hurts you a lot and that you are aching to answer back. But those were words not meant for you, likely exaggerated because people were venting, and most probably not even meant quite the way they were said once emotion has blown off.
So shrug it off. It's hard but it's necessary. You're making things harder for yourself - and for no one else! - by going back over it again and again. You have to see that it's just those people's opinion, not a value judgemnt on you as a person.
You'll find a group that suits you better I'm sure. Don't let one group gone bad persuade you otherwise.
And please, please don't let people on these boards persuade you that that group was withholding something from you that you were entitled to. They were not, and thinking otherwise is dangerous when you try to make new friends. How close people want to get to you is their own choice. Getting invited to gaming isn't a carte blanche for being included in their lives.
Best wishes for going forward.
Hi.
It sounds like you're going through a tough time, and I wish you the best. Everyone here has been giving good advice, and they're all correct, and StalkingBlue in particular has great advice. I do have two more thoughts to relate, based on what you said.
1) Never expect the kindness of others to apply to you. In general, if a person is not a close friend, don't ask anything of that person unless you absolutely need it. This goes for all things, in all parts of your life. The responsibility of keeping a casual relationship balanced is not on the person who is requested to do something; it is on the person who is doing the asking. The thought "She didn't have to say yes" won't matter when she feels like you're an ingrate, and can't tell you because you don't have the communication of good friends.
Since you mentioned this, in the context of making friends, you should take it easy on the others until the foundation of friendship is strong enough to support some weight. Unfortunately, the correct timing of such things can only be learned through trial and error, but a reasonable place to start from is to ask for as little as possible. For your situation: get your own ride, buy and bring your own food, don't talk about the miserable parts of your life, and if you can't think of anything nice to say about your personal life, don't say anything. On the opposite side, be generous with everything I just said you should not ask for. I sound like a manner marm, "Eyes bright! Wide smile!" But I'm serious. This is how it works. Be sure that you leave every encounter with the other people feeling that they were better off with you there.
2) Personal weblogs such as some of those found on LJ are a relatively new social construct, and how they fit into real life relationships hasn't really been worked out yet. I consider a personal weblog to be when someone talks in detail about their personal life, as opposed to politics, hobbies, etc. These should be treated like a secret diary, even though it's obviously public.
I feel that a person who broadcasts their personal negative thoughts about another person in a public forum has a lack of class. You probably don't want that person as a friend. Having said that, if you're trying to make a relationship work with such a person (for example, for gaming or business purposes):
When you read someone's personal weblog (even if they expressly ask you to read it), treat it as if you are reading their secret diary. Don't mention anything you see there in real life, just like you really shouldn't mention when you snuck into your older sister's closet to read about her first kiss with Greasy Johnny behind the dumpster. If someone has plans to go to a movie, they'll ask you to come along in real life if they want you there. My rule of thumb is that I don't read the personal weblog of people who I know in real life. People largely don't understand themselves anyway, so you're not really going to gain any insight into how they really feel, because they honestly don't know.
This strategy might be erring on the side of restraint, but I feel that's better than suspecting that you know this person more than you actually do.
I don't have all the answers, and my thoughts might not work for you. But they're all I can offer.
Best wishes and good luck.
-Clint
It sounds like you're going through a tough time, and I wish you the best. Everyone here has been giving good advice, and they're all correct, and StalkingBlue in particular has great advice. I do have two more thoughts to relate, based on what you said.
1) Never expect the kindness of others to apply to you. In general, if a person is not a close friend, don't ask anything of that person unless you absolutely need it. This goes for all things, in all parts of your life. The responsibility of keeping a casual relationship balanced is not on the person who is requested to do something; it is on the person who is doing the asking. The thought "She didn't have to say yes" won't matter when she feels like you're an ingrate, and can't tell you because you don't have the communication of good friends.
Since you mentioned this, in the context of making friends, you should take it easy on the others until the foundation of friendship is strong enough to support some weight. Unfortunately, the correct timing of such things can only be learned through trial and error, but a reasonable place to start from is to ask for as little as possible. For your situation: get your own ride, buy and bring your own food, don't talk about the miserable parts of your life, and if you can't think of anything nice to say about your personal life, don't say anything. On the opposite side, be generous with everything I just said you should not ask for. I sound like a manner marm, "Eyes bright! Wide smile!" But I'm serious. This is how it works. Be sure that you leave every encounter with the other people feeling that they were better off with you there.
2) Personal weblogs such as some of those found on LJ are a relatively new social construct, and how they fit into real life relationships hasn't really been worked out yet. I consider a personal weblog to be when someone talks in detail about their personal life, as opposed to politics, hobbies, etc. These should be treated like a secret diary, even though it's obviously public.
I feel that a person who broadcasts their personal negative thoughts about another person in a public forum has a lack of class. You probably don't want that person as a friend. Having said that, if you're trying to make a relationship work with such a person (for example, for gaming or business purposes):
When you read someone's personal weblog (even if they expressly ask you to read it), treat it as if you are reading their secret diary. Don't mention anything you see there in real life, just like you really shouldn't mention when you snuck into your older sister's closet to read about her first kiss with Greasy Johnny behind the dumpster. If someone has plans to go to a movie, they'll ask you to come along in real life if they want you there. My rule of thumb is that I don't read the personal weblog of people who I know in real life. People largely don't understand themselves anyway, so you're not really going to gain any insight into how they really feel, because they honestly don't know.
This strategy might be erring on the side of restraint, but I feel that's better than suspecting that you know this person more than you actually do.
I don't have all the answers, and my thoughts might not work for you. But they're all I can offer.
Best wishes and good luck.
-Clint
AuroraGyps
First Post
Thanks for all the feedback. This situation has made me realize that I do need to complain less. For a couple of years there wasn't really anything good to talk about, so I guess I got into the habit. I didn't even know I was doing it. And I really didn't think I was entitled to anything from anybody. I just happen to be one of those people that likes to be nice to people and be helpful. I guess it's been so long since I dealt with people in this situtation that I forgot not everyone feels that way. I'm just really dissapointed in how it was all dealt with. There have to have been other ways people could have gone about things.
All in all, this was a learning experience. I'll figure out how to work things out and add it to taking meds, counseling, etc. Like I always say, I'm a work in progress. I've been dealing with this thing for almost 19 years, and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, but I won't give up.
All in all, this was a learning experience. I'll figure out how to work things out and add it to taking meds, counseling, etc. Like I always say, I'm a work in progress. I've been dealing with this thing for almost 19 years, and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life, but I won't give up.
I don't know if this is really advice, more like comments on my own train of thought as I read your post.
I game with 3 groups, more or less.
1 group is my friends. The other group is people who I started hanging out with just for gaming and have gradually started hanging out with for more social events. And the third group is JUST to game with, though I have swung by once when the DM was feeling burned out and they wanted a movie night, (they watched the Firefly DVD's so that was too good to pass up).
There is some overlap in these groups. Some of those in the second group (gaming/friends group) are also in the JUST gaming group. The interesting thing is I'd never expect the JUST gaming group to get together with friends gaming group and would probably be uncomfortable because the friends are much more likely to say something I'd think was inappropriate or tell them some personal info about me that I'd just as soon forget about.
Upon rereading that it certainly doesn't look like advice, but here is my next thought.
Online communication, in whatever form is often easier but not necessarily 'better'. Without the inflection in your voice and facial expressions, what you might think is a reasonable online sentence can be completely different for the person on the other end.
But I wouldn't give up and it sounds like you aren't. There are more gamers out there and who knows, you might find a group that fits you like a glove. Let us know when you do find another group to game with.
I game with 3 groups, more or less.
1 group is my friends. The other group is people who I started hanging out with just for gaming and have gradually started hanging out with for more social events. And the third group is JUST to game with, though I have swung by once when the DM was feeling burned out and they wanted a movie night, (they watched the Firefly DVD's so that was too good to pass up).
There is some overlap in these groups. Some of those in the second group (gaming/friends group) are also in the JUST gaming group. The interesting thing is I'd never expect the JUST gaming group to get together with friends gaming group and would probably be uncomfortable because the friends are much more likely to say something I'd think was inappropriate or tell them some personal info about me that I'd just as soon forget about.
Upon rereading that it certainly doesn't look like advice, but here is my next thought.
Online communication, in whatever form is often easier but not necessarily 'better'. Without the inflection in your voice and facial expressions, what you might think is a reasonable online sentence can be completely different for the person on the other end.
But I wouldn't give up and it sounds like you aren't. There are more gamers out there and who knows, you might find a group that fits you like a glove. Let us know when you do find another group to game with.
Impeesa
Explorer
Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." This is never the complete answer (for example, you've already admitted that perhaps you do complain too much), but always keep it in the back of your mind - it will save a lot of heartache in all kinds of situations. I speak from experience here. 
--Impeesa--
--Impeesa--
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