The never ending story of ...

[rgoodbb]

Snappy was a little concerned at this last remark ...

...Od led the group inch by inch through the intricate cave system.
He wished he had a 10' pole but he did not.
He wished he had Nightvis/Intravis/Darksigh/Thermasig/ He wished he could see in the dark but he could not.
He wished he had expertise in Perception, but he did not.
He wished he had remained at the Pig and Lion all those posts ago, but he had not.
He wished he could take a Feat, but he cou....He could take a feat! Now to deal with that annoying echo.E

"Herewulf?"

"Wolf."

"Yes, what is it Od?"

"Is it Od?"

"Do you still have the Canteen. you know the one from the Dwarf with Feats?"

"Dwarf with Feats."

"Yes do you want a stab at it?"

"Stab at it."



Snappy hushed the party. He was near a natural vent and could hear voices. The ladies came to listen too.

"What do you hear Snappy?" Asked an already drunk Xena.

"Well. I think our comrades may be in trouble." Replied Snappy who was already spinning without the need to spin the crock.

"Why?"

"Apparently there is a Wolf with Odd Dwarf Feet that they are stabbing at."

".........Oh.....Well.......I'm sure they've got this. We have a party to get back too WOOO-HOOO!."



Od, Jeli, Nord and Herewulf turned a corner, espied their teammates having a drunken party with a yellow cloud. Amanda, gin in hand, shouted "Hey how was the wolf with little feet? Did you stick it?"

Discounting this sight before them for exactly what it was; a preposterous Illusion, Od led the party away from the party having a party and delved deeper into the dungeon. He was glad he had taken a swig from the damaged canteen. He would get his Feat today, but there was always an unknown side effect with it........

 

[BoldItalic]

Deeper and deeper into the dungeon they crept, wary for wandering monsters. Carefully avoiding a squeaky floorboard, in case it was a trick, Od led them down a side passage to the left and into a chamber. It was about 20ft square, with an exit door on the far side. The air was cold and still, with a faint odour of old armchairs. The odour was actually coming from an old armchair set against the wall to one side, and in the chair was a skeleton.

"Second left, you can't miss it," said the skeleton in a sepulchural voice.

"Excuse me?"

"The place you're looking for, it's the second door on the left."

"But there's only one door?"

"Sorry, I got moved in here when they tidied up. I was pro-drachmed for a room with two doors."

"Pro-drachmed?"

"It's like pro-grammed, only more archaic."

"Well, can you tell us where you were before, so we can go there and take the second left?"

"Sure. They didn't move me far. Just take the second on the left, and you're right there."

"Er .. thank you."

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

They moved on until Od, who was leading with every sense alert, suddenly held up a hand to halt. He gestured frantically at a strange object that lay on the floor of the passage a short distance ahead. "It's pretending to be an empty bucket," he hissed, "So it obviously isn't."

"It certainly looks like an empty bucket," suggested Nord. "It's very bucket-shaped and there's nothing in it."

Herewulf used his paladin abilities. "I'm not sensing any evil or good about it," he reported, "But it could be chaotic-neutral."

Jeli knitted her brows and there was a colourless purple sprong sound as a spell erupted from her upraised palm. The bucket glowed with an eerie light that foreboded. "Just as I suspected," she announced. "It's only projecting the semblance of an empty bucket in this plane of existence. We can only guess as to its true nature."

"It could be extremely dangerous," mused Herewulf. "Can we avoid it? Or must we fight it?" He drew his rapier as he said this, and readied his shield.

Od produced his flute and played a merry tune to hearten them. "We have not come this far, to flee like lily-livered cowslips at the first sign of danger," he declaimed. "This is the day that we shall tell our grandchildren about, when our deeds shall ring down the ages in the annals of heroism. This is that day!"

The bucket ...

 

[rgoodbb]

The bucket ...not put off by this overtly angstful-aggressive display in the slightest, stood its ground.

"Kick it."

"Nope. That's bad Juju. I'm not kicking it."

"Well stamp on it"

"Nope. I'm not getting my foot caught in a bucket."

"Well *£%* it!"

"I'm certainly not doing that."

Just then, from behind them, a football landed perfectly in the bucket. The party looked around and a mildly merry Snappy recoiled his tail. "You don't have long, Hurry! Hic."

They sped passed, giving the receptacle a wide berth, turned the corner. A great crashing sound echoed behind them as a stone pillar blocked their path back. Ahead of them was a 60' corridor, 10' wide and high. At the end were a set of double doors. Between them and the doors.......was a Bucket.

"This isn't fair." Shouted Jeli. "A second Bucket? DM? Have you checked your CR ratings? Maybe this isn't a combat encounter. Maybe that's it. Does anyone here speak Bucket?"

The bucket....

 

[BoldItalic]

The bucket.... was a commonplace object, so it spoke Commonplace, which is understandable to speakers of Common if they pay attention and know their place.

"What's the rush?" asked the bucket.

"Er, we, er ..."

"To er is human," said the bucket gently, "Take your time. I'm not going to attack you."

"Why are you here?" demanded Jeli. "Are you essential to the plot, in ways unfathomable to mere mortals? Are you ineffable? Do you have cosmic undertones?"

"I don't think so. As far as I know, I'm just a bucket. For carrying water, or sand, or ... less pleasant but nonetheless essential substances."

"Do you know what is beyond those bronze doors?"

The bucket shrugged.

"This is hopeless," muttered Od. "I'm beginning to suspect that the DM is just messing about, throwing in random buckets with no purpose whatever."

Jeli tried a different tack. "We are on a quest to find the biggest diamond in the world," she announced importantly.

"And meanwhile," added Nord, "We have fifty tons of gold to bury under the floorboards."

The bucket seemed to think about this. "That's a lot of bucketfulls," it suggested. "Have you brought enough floorboards?"

Herewulf has a sudden sinking feeling. They were supposed to bring their own floorboards? Everyone had been assuming that there would already be floorboards in situ and they would just need to lift them up to reveal a suitable secret hiding place. But the whole plan was suddenly unravelling. He decided to bluff it out. "We have magic for that," he asserted with all the aplomb he could muster. He hoped he struck the right note between casual and assured.

The bluff seemed to work, because the bucket didn't quibble with the explanation but changed the subject. "This diamond," it continued, "roughly how big is it? About my size, or smaller, or larger? I'm asking because if you like, you could use me to carry it in."

It was Jeli's turn to be wrong-footed. She had no idea how big diamonds could grow, or how big the biggest one in the world might be, but she wasn't going to let a mere household object get the better of her. "Oh, it's much bigger than you," she lied. "You couldn't possibly carry it."

"Gosh," said the bucket. "I'm impressed. And you're going to steal it? Won't the owner be upset about being robbed?"

At the implication that there might be a small element of unlawfulness in their quest, Herewulf felt a slight twinge of paladinesque conscience. It was fleeting and he conquered it by reminding himself that he had never taken an Oath, although he might have to if they levelled up again. For a moment, he began to wonder idly which Oath he should take. They were all so earnest. Perhaps he could multiclass for a few levels, and postpone the decision? This bucket was making him think, just by asking seemingly innocent questions. Maybe it was an dialectical bucket? After all, if Diogenes could live in a barrel, could not Aristotle be living in a bucket? Well, two could play at that game.

Herewulf threw down the gauntlet. "Give me a reasoned argument to prove that you are a bucket," he challenged.

The others looked on with some surprise at this turn in the conversation, but they trusted Herewulf to know what he was doing and they settled down to observe the proceedings with interest. Snappy even stopped spinning his football around his ears and grinned. This was going to be good.

Somewhere in another dimension, the DM groaned and regretted mightily having rolled on the Random Dungeon Dressing table. He wished he could retcon the whole bucket thing. But it was too late.

The bucket ...

 

[rgoodbb]

The bucket ...took a circuitous route around the problem. It had to contain this, had to get a handle on this before its reasoning paled. It would win this argument in spades.

"Did you by happenchance pass another bucket on your journeys here?"

"Yes. Why?"

"That was Henry."

"Henry. OK. What's your name?"

"Why I am dear Liza of course."

"I don't sea h.."

"Bear with me. Now. Let us hypothesize that I, as a bucket, have a hole in me that lets liquid escape. What would you patch up the hole with?"

"Well straw of course."

"Good. Now let us assume that the straw is too long. What would you do?"

"Uhm. Cut it?"

"With what?"

"An axe of course."

"Ahh. Yes you are following quite well. Now let us assume that the axe is too blunt."

"I would sharpen it on a stone."

"Good. Nearly there. The stone is far too dry."

"I would wet it with water. A lot of water."

"How would you get all that water here?"

"That's easy, I would fill a buc....."

Od was in the corner, songwriting inspiration suddenly flooding his mind.

 

[BoldItalic]

Nord had meanwhile turned his attention to the bronze doors and the DM asked him to make a Wisdom(Perception) check to see if there was anything unusual about them. He rolled a 12, so he noticed that there were iron hooks set into the wall on either side, high up near the roof, that could be used to hold the doors back when they were open. What he failed to think through (because he had only rolled a 12) was that the iron hooks were 9ft up and no-one who was human-sized would be able to reach them.

But snappy had also noticed the hooks and they suggested something entirely different to his reptilian brain. Acting with blinding speed, he crunched his mighty jaws down on the philosophical bucket and removed its bottom, thus ensuring that its hypothesis was validated and there was indeed a hole in the bucket. Then he flipped it with his snout, high up to the left so that its handle caught on one of the iron door hooks and it hung there, rocking gently and making nonsensical remarks. "Watch this!" cried Snappy and he flipped his football up and into the bucket, to fall through and down to bounce on the ground again. "Goal!" he shouted. He had invented the game of bucketball, for which the DM awarded him Inspiration.

With philosphical debate no longer a viable option, the heroes had no option but to try to open the bronze doors. "Do I need to make a Strength(Athletics) roll, wondered Herewulf? And can Nord use the Help action to give me Advantage? But the DM said there was no need, and the door would open easily despite its obvious great weight.

The door opened to reveal an abandoned temple, complete with an altar in the middle, benches around each side and a gong in one corner. On the altar was a pair of brass candlesticks, each about 3ft high, but there were no candles in them. The altar, the benches, the gong and the candlesticks were all festooned with cobwebs, so you knew it was abandoned and also worried slightly about giant spiders.

On the altar between the two candlesticks stood the biggest diamond in the world an oak casket which had a prominent lock. Od felt in his pouch for his Thieves' Tools, as he approached the casket warily. He knew this was going to be tricky, because the DM had asked him to say exactly what he was going to do. "First, I'm going to ..." he began, but that was as far as he got.

"Hey guysh," interrupted Xena bursting into the room, "You shimply musht come and shee what we've ffound!"

 

[rgoodbb]

"You shimply musht come and shee what we've ffound!"......

“Not now. Xena. Blood sacrifice.”

“What?” Asked Jeli.

“Blood sacrifice.” Nord confirmed. “Can’t you see the stains around the altar?”

“Well now you come to mention it, yes.”

“You Guysh Sheriosly come loohoohoohoourk. Ew that was nashty.”

“What do we do?”

“Well. How much do we want this thing?”

“I think it’s more a case of need than want really. Why?

“Well it’s obvious.” Nord gave a long pause for dramatic effect. “We need a sacrifice.”

Jeli looked at Od.
Od looked at Herewulf.
Herewulf looked at Nord.
Nord looked at Xena
Xena looked at the porridge and carrot like mess on the floor. “I don’t remember eating th…….What?.......Why are you all shtaring at me like that? I’ll clean it up. What? You guysh are creeping me out. Hey don’t come any cloasher.”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let’s just think this out.” Bellowed Jeli, the red mist leaving her eyes and dissipating into the ether. As she looked around, she could see everyone else shaking their heads in confusion, coming out of some sort of trance, faint whiss of red mist swirling away.

“Did you all see a red mist too?”

They all nodded but Xena piped up

“Red mist? No we have a guy in the next room who is yellow mist. Heesh really cool.

“OK Xena. You go be with him while we figure this out.”

“I’m not a child anymore y’know.”

“What if it doesn’t need a full sacrifice? How about just a drop of blood?” The others nodded and shrugged. Jeli took her knife, held her hand tentatively over the altar, and slid the blade across her palm. Making a fist, she saw the single crimson drop of blood fall in slow motion. It was about this time that she remembered that she was a warlock today, but did not have time to consider all the ramifications……

 

[BoldItalic]

...

As the drop of her blood touched the Altar Of Binding, Jeli's world changed utterly. Planets moved in the sky, continents drifted into new positions and evil dictators were replaced by other evil dictators as the course of history was rewritten. The space-time continuum twisted as the galaxy went into a spiral and the value of pi became irrational. This was cosmic.

The casket sprang open with a velvet sound and something unexpected fell out. It was about the shape and size of a half-brick but where a half-brick would be rough and gritty, this was smooth and slippery, like wax.

"Don't touch it!" shouted Herewulf, suddenly aware of an overwhelming aura of evil. This thing was beyond evil. It was an evil that knew no bounds. And the evil had a voice.

"Ah, Jeleneth," said the voice. "So glad you have decided to serve me. I'm sure our little pact will be profitable to both sides. You want that, don't you?" It was a smooth, silky, seductive kind of voice that was full of malice and terrible power but at the same time promised unimaginable delights. Jeli felt exhilarated and trapped at the same time. She moaned involuntarily and a voice that was not her own spoke from her lips: "Command me, O lord!"

Nord was quick to react and he brought his rapier down on the brick, hoping to destroy it somehow and break the spell that was taking hold of Jeli. But the brick slithered aside and there was a clang! as his blade hit the stone altar. He uttered a colourful phrase in pirate language.

Herewulf was aghast. He tried spell after spell until he was exhausted but nothing could break the link that had now been forged between Jeli and this terrible entity. When a warlock makes a pact, it cannot be broken.

Od racked his brain for any lore that might explain what this thing was, what it wanted Jeli for, and how to stop it getting it. He remembered something, a snatch of a ballad, but it was hard to think in the heat of the moment. Then it came to him. He pointed a finger accusingly at the brick. "I know you for what you are," declared Od firmly. "You are a renegade bard, who brought shame on our profession in days of old. You do not deserve to live. But I have the measure of you, for I know your true name. You are Bar-de-Door."

At this, the voice lost its soapy quality and shook with anger. "Strike down this upstart!" it commanded Jeli, "Use the spells that I have granted unto you! Slay him!"

But deep down, Jeli was still herself. With the cunning of her elvish ancestors, she turned the situation to her own advantage. "I will do your bidding," she declared, "in exchange for the biggest diamond in the world. Payment in advance."

"What?" yelled Bar-De-Door. "I make the rules!"

"Actually, you don't," said Snappy and he opened his mighty jaws and swallowed the bar of soap. He looked uncomfortable for a moment and went cross-eyed (which, for a crocodile, is no mean feat), foamed at the mouth a little and then grinned.

"Let me out! Let me out! It's all gloopy in here!" came a small voice from somewhere about half way along Snappy. Then the voice was still.

As if in response to the changed situation, the candlesticks on the altar somehow acquired lighted candles and another entity made its presence felt. This one wasn't evil but it was rather confusing because it spoke with many voices at once. About ten, probably. And it kept referring to itself in the third person as Us. "Well done," it seemed to say. "You can all level up now. Congratulations on Level Three."

Uh-oh, thought Herewulf. Decision time ...

 

[rgoodbb]

"Wait a minute."

Oh thank the gods, thought Herewulf

"Are we just going to pass that off? That was Bar-de-Door, the infamous recurring villain

"Well I hope he doesn't repeat on me. I've already got a bit of acid from the party vol au vents." Snappy belched bubbles.

"We met Char-Ging and now Bar-de-Door. Who will be next?"

"Can we just level up already, I'm excited about my new subclass."

"No, no. She's right." Commented a desperate and pit-sweaty Paladin. "We must seek out the truth."

"What's gotten into ya Wulfie? What Oath are ya ganna choose? Devotion, Ancients, Vengeance, Crown, Conquest, Redemption, Oathbreaker even maybe." Nord recited

"I don't know."

"Well ye better lad, ye better."

"I know."

"What's stopping ya?"

"I don't know."

"Well that's not very helpful is it?"

"I know."

"Ya don't know but ya do know. You a very confused individual."

"I kn......I don't know."

Yellow mist surrounded the Paladin, then red mist then green mist and blue and others too. "Sergeant Herewulf." They all seemed to say at once.

"Uhm yes?"

"Will you be our champion?"

"Champion of who/m?"

"Champion of The Pantheon of the Forgotten. Will you swear your oath to all those forgotten, all those never remembered, all those lost in the sea of eternity. Will you swear to find those souls by making people remember, even those who wish not to? Will you be our champion in this, the greatest of quests. To see, to remember, to open your heart to us so that we may open your eyes to the suffering of the unnoticed, the missing, the neglected and the excluded. The absent and the erased. The disregarded and the overlooked. The anonymous and the unrenowned. The ignored and the unnamed. Will you, Herewulf, take up the Oath of the Forgotten?"

"I...uhm...I Swear it."

"Bluuurrrrrup" Bubble Belch

 

[BoldItalic]

Herewulf suddenly felt a great weight lifted from his mind. He had found his purpose, here in this strange sand-temple on a deserted island far from civilization. But then the enormity of his task punched him squarely in the jaw. He would champion the forgotten gods, yes, but there were millions of them. Where to start? He would need a roll-call of their names and it would take forever to even scribe it, let alone tell all the peoples of the world to remember them. He wracked his brain for a solution. And then it came to him. It was so simple. "I have been enlightened!" he cried.

"What, like dwarves, you mean? Ignore the weight of heavy armour? That's cool," replied Od. "Here, can you carry these torches for me?"

"No, no, not that sort of enlightened. I suddenly understand something. You know how everything that could possibly exist, exists somewhere in the infinite multiverse? Well, by that reasoning an infinite number of possible languages must exist and, for each and every forgotten god there is a language somewhere in which his name is 'Tomorrow'. Well, I am now the defender of everyone whose name is 'Tomorrow'. Herewulf, Champion of Tomorrow. My battle cry will be Remember Tomorrow!. What do you think?"

"By that argument, my left boot is called 'Tomorrow' in some language or other. Are you sworn to protect my left boot? 'Cos it could do with a polish."

"I don't think you're taking this seriously."

"Suit yourself."

While this exchange was takiing place, Nord was trying out some metamagic on a new spell he had suddenly learned. Lightning played around his ears as a howling gale sprang up from nowhere and blasted across the room blowing out the candles on the altar; even the huge bronze door flapped wildly like a dememted pair of wings. And yet, and yet, none of his friends felt a thing. The gale swirled around them in great gusts but it politely avoided each and every one of them. Nord laughed. This was awesome.

"Did you do that?" said Jeli accusingly. "Because if you did, it wasn't funny."

"Sorry lass, next time I'll be more careful. I can leave you out of the automatic saves if you like."

Jeli sniffed. "Well, just don't be so stupid. Sorcery is dangerous."

"You could have warned us," said Snappy, retrieving his football from the corner it has blown into and giving it a twirl to reassure it that it was still a good boy.

Just then, the sound of heavy footsteps echoed in the corridor and into view came a very annoyed ...