The never ending story of ...

[BoldItalic]

When they trotted through......... they were greeted with such a weird sight that it boggled their minds and they all had to make DC24 Wisdom saves or suffer the Bewildered condition, which is very. very bad; much worse than Stunned or Incapacitated. The mortal brain simply couldn't comprehend it. They were on what might have been a path through a forest but everything around them was wrong.

The 'path' was covered in irregular slabs of a hard mineral substance that felt rough to the touch and was surprisingly not very cold. The 'forest' seemed to made of trees that were just greyish-brown wooden trunks with greyish-brown wooden branches all haphazardly arranged and with leaves made out of some sort of green plant-like material. Between the 'trees', there was some sort of soft green stuff made of tiny blades of grass, all pointing upwards, with little multicoloured knobbly bits here and there that looked just like flowers. The craziest part was that overhead there was a sort of blue nothing with random lumps of white fluff floating about in it.

After a few minutes silence, punctuated only by a sort of intermittent drone made by tiny living organisms armed with deadly stings, Herewulf gathered his wits together and spoke. "I don't know where we are," he said, "but I want everyone to try to disbelieve this illusion."

Nord tried very hard. He pulled out a nautical telescope and squinted through it at the forest but he couldn't see it properly because the trees got in the way. "Oi be all at sea, here," he declared.

Od toyed with his flute and tried to play the special music again but it just came out as a sequence of notes and there was no rhyme nor reason to it. "I'm at a loss for words," he said.

"Never mind that," retorted Jeli, "In case you men hadn't noticed, the girls and their unicorns didn't come through the portal with us."

"And where's Snappy?" asked Od, looking round in alarm.

But the four of them were indeed alone. Well, each of them wasn't alone because the other three were there but ... oh, you know what I mean.

"I quite thought we would came through in Ancient Egypt somewhere, but this doesn't look like Egypt," commented Herewulf. "Not that I've ever been to Egypt, but, well, going by what the crusaders wrote about the place, there should be palm trees and camels and big pointy monuments half buried in sand."

"Well, we must be somewhere. I'd say this path goes roughly north-south so which way do we want to go? North or South?"

"East."

"What, force our way though the forest? There could be ... bears or lions of something."

"Good."

"Oh, alright then. You go in front."

After about ten minutes moving cautiously eastwards, they suddenly came out of the forest and found themselves in ...

 

[BoldItalic]

and found themselves in ... a quandary.

I don't know about you, said Od to himself, but I get the feeling that this adventure is a bit ... disorganised. It's as if someone is just making stuff up and then someone else is making up more stuff and we end up lurching about going nowhere in particular. These are nice enough guys and Jeli isn't so bad when you get to know her but why are we here?. What is our manifold destiny? And when's lunch?

This wasn't what I came for, thought Jeli to herself. Way back on page two, I was supposed to meet three heroic adventurers who would accompany me on a quest of great importance. But all I found was this bunch of clowns and there's no sign of a quest. It's just chaos, and not in a good way. But as she voiced these concerns inwardly, another thought struck her. What if this was the very thing we were supposed to fight? Must we look deep within ourselves to find our true purpose? Am I an existentialist? And how would I know?

Nord counted the loose change in his pouch. It didn't take long. He pulled a wry face. Whatever they were doing, it didn't seem to be very lucrative. They hadn't even taken any captives, let alone plundered chests full of gold and jewels. This was no life for a pirate. An epigram came to mind, that he thought he must have heard somewhere but couldn't remember where. We are becalmed on the Sea of Possibilities. He liked that. It summed up the situation nicely. He wondered if he could sell it to Od. A good epigram must be worth 1gp at least.

I knew I should have stayed home, thought Herewulf gloomily. Chopping wood is satisfying. You put in the effort and you get chopped wood. Here, we put in loads of effort and get ... not a lot. Where did it all go wrong? Shouldn't I be pursuing my ideals? If it comes to that, what are my ideals? No, that's bad thinking. I'm a sergeant, I follow orders and pass them on to the soldiers. Well, no-one's been giving me any orders and I haven't got any soldiers. So that's it. I'm not needed here. I can just go home. But ...

"I've been thinking," said four voices simultaneously.

 

[rgoodbb]

"I've been thinking," said four voices simultaneously.

"I need organisation."

"I need a quest."

"I need money."

"I need an army."

They drank and they talked. They drank more and talked more. After sketching out a few ideas, a solution came. It was of course a ridiculous idea, for they were all drunk. They laughed and drank and fell asleep.

As the morning assaulted their heads, they all thought back on last eve's discussions. They smiled at the silliness and chuckled from time to time. But the smiles became more serious, and they all pondered the idea more. They glanced at each other silently until the smiles came back. This would work. This would satisfiy all parties. Well this party anyway.

"It was so obvious when you think about it."

"Yeah. Why didn't we do it sooner?"

"So. Now we are going to be Priveteers on the sea, what do we need?"

A ship - and not just any old ship. This has to be the best and fastest warship around.

A crew - and only the best will do.

Marines - led by Sergeant Herewulf to board and seize other ships to expand their armada.

A sponsor - The richest around.

This was going to be good. Thought Jeli. So. first things first. The Ship.........

 

[BoldItalic]

The Ship.........

"Nord," mused Jeli, "What would you say is the best fighting ship in the known world? Or any world, really? The one that all pirates fear to be pursued by?"

Nord though for a moment. "The Phase Rider. Legend has it, that it can pop up anywhere, seize your ship and disappear again into a magical mist. But it's just a legend. When a ship founders and is lost with all hands, folks say it was Taken by the Phase Rider."

"That's it, then," Jeli decided. "All we need to do, is to find the Phase Rider and requisition it."

"Sounds simple, when you put it like that. Why has no-one thought of it before?"

"Because they weren't us and didn't have our unique combination of talents."

"Can't argue with that."

"Any thoughts on how to find it?"

"Easy. We ask the DM."

"Are we allowed to do that? Isn't it, sort of cheating?"

"What do you mean, cheating? This isn't some game of Pass The Elephant. We're privateers, remember?"

"Oh, alright then. Let's try."

Just then, an aged man appeared out of nowhere. He had a long flowing beard, a tall pointy hat and he was leaning on a knobbly walking stick so you could tell he was a sage. Also, his name was Ask-Me-Anything. Od played a trill to improve their chances in case this turned into a skill challenge but he needn't has bothered because AMA was longing to give an impromptu lecture to somebody about something and this was his big chance. Herewulf asked the question that was on everybody's lips: "Where can we find the legendary ship called the Phase Rider?"

AMA cleared his throat, struck an oratorical pose, and told them. At great length. And in great detail with diagrams and astrological equations and many learned allusions to the classics, not to mention footnotes and a complete bibliography with cross-references.

"So, what you are saying is, we need to go to this particular latitude and longitude, at this precise time, and it will be there?"

"Indeed, yes."

"Thank you, you have been most helpful," said Od graciously.

The man seemed to be waiting for something. It dawned on Od that he expected to be paid. "My usual fee is 100gp," said AMA helpfully, "But it's entirely up to you, of course." There was just the merest hint of a component pouch under AMA's loosely-tied cloak and just the merest hint of an inch or so of gap between the soles of his feet and the ground. Not that this meant that he was a high-level magic user, you understand, said the DM casually.

After scraping together all the money they had, our four adventurers were left with 1sp, 3cp and a button.

Except that after AMA had left, Jeli seemed to be holding a pouch of 100gp. "I took Rogue this morning," she mumbled apologetically, "But I'm not proud if it. I think tomorrow I'll take Cleric and forgive myself."

"We need to go that way," said Nord, changing the subject hurriedly. "I can smell the sea air."

Arriving at the port of Anchorsaweigh our intrepic adventurers made their way to the quayside where they found ...

 

[rgoodbb]

to the quayside where they found ...seven Gnomes all with their hands chained up in front of them. Four women and three men. There was something else uncanny about the way they appeared. They moved their heads a lot to listen to each other. Jeli figured it out. They were blind. There was no-one overseeing them.

She move in. "Excuse me. Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"We are part of a religious Order. I'm the fa...spokesperson. My name is Gard'eh."

Jeli felt relieved. She had indeed taken Cleric today. What were the odds? "I have never seen an Order like this. Please tell me more."

Enthused that someone actually took an interest in them, another one of them piped up. "We are the Order of Blind & Bound. It's a very small Order, in fact we may be the only ones. We are also very seasoned sailors but no-one will take us on."

"I'm not really surprised, are you? How can you run a ship in your double....conditions?"

At which point fourteen mage hands lifted Jeli off her feet. "That's clever. So you can detect where I am without sight and you can muster up fourteen instead of seven hands."

"The order of Blind and Bound removeth but also receiveth. Blindsight for our eyes and double mage hands for our bindings. There may be other benefits but they have yet to manifest."

Discussions and arguments started to bounce back and forth:

We can't take them. We'll crash into the rocks.

We can hear rocks, well before you can see them.

They don't have their hands.

Our Mage Hands are twice as strong as our own hands. And we can still use our hands, although with slight limitations.

We can't afford them. We don't have any money.

We're free.

They won't know the intricacies of the vessel that we have to try and find.

We have a boat.

We're hunting The Phase Rider for goodness sake

We've tracked her many times and over long distances with our Blindsense.

When all the arguments had run aground..."I guess you are hired then."

The Order bobbed and fizzed about on the quayside enthusiastically and led the party to their boat. It was........

 

[BoldItalic]

It was........ quite unusual for a boat of that era, for it had no mast, no sails, no oars and no other visible means of propulsion. "Looks wrong to me," was Nord's professional opinion. "The freeboard is too short and she'll take on water in a heavy swell. And the fo'csle is too pointy. And the poop deck is supposed to be abaft the beam. And anyway, how does it go?

"You'll see, you'll see," said the gnomes. "Climb aboard and we'll cast off!"

After the four heroes had come aboard and helped each other across the magically slippery deck (DC15 Dex save) to where the ship's wheel would have been if it had one, the gnomes produced their knitting and cast off. They had made new woolly hats for the journey. It then became apparent how the boat was propelled, as fourteen mage hands gathered around the stern and started pushing. While they were doing this, one of the gnomes (the one with FIRST MATE embroidered on his woolly hat) stared meaningfully at a coil of rope on the deck which began to writhe about and soon he was making 12 knots.

"Steer course Nor' Nor' East, lads," called the captain. "And up a bit, there's a reef ahead."

Soon, the craft was sailing smoothly across the ocean and Nord was keeping very quiet because all the ships he'd been on before had taken hundreds of men hauling on sheets, rattling up ratlin's and generally working their socks off to get even half this speed.

"Shall we repair to our cabins?" suggested Jeli, who was struck with a sudden craving for ginger biscuits. "This might be a good time to polish our rapiers, before we catch up with our quarry?"

"I think it might be wise to stay alert," countered Herewulf. "The gnomes' blindsight has limited range, does it not? Too short to sense what I can see over on the horizon? That sort of giant sea turtle-ish object heading our way, for example?"

Overhearing this, the captain looked startled. "All hands on deck!" he shouted, "and start lifting!"

There was a squench sound as the boat rose clear of the water and hovered comfortably at around 100 feet above the waves. The giant sea turtle blinked slowly and decided that perhaps flying whales were too weird to eat and lost interest.

During the night, however, ...

 

[rgoodbb]

During the night, however, .......slop........slosh........creak....they were still. The boat hardly moving. Herewulf, the only fidgeter.

"Sit down will ya." commented Nord.

"I can't stop thinking we messed up back in Anchorsaweigh. We didn't get any Marines. How are we going to board The Phase Rider and win without Marines?"

"We're gonna 'av to be trickstery then, ain't we."

"Trickst..Tricky is not my thing. You know that."

Od, who was gently playing the squeeze box to make what he imagined was soothing pirate music replied. "Don't worry Herewulf. Things will be all good."

"How can you be so calm?"

"I am always calm, no matter what the situation. I never raise my voice or let my emotions control me."

"But we at least need a plan."

"I always have a plan for what to do when things go wrong. but then...If there’s a plan, I’ll forget it. If I don’t forget it, I’ll ignore it. What can I say? I have a flawed personality."

"Wha....Wait a minute. You took the Criminal background? I would have thought Entertainer or Charlatan."

"We needed the Thieve's tools."

"Oh. well. I suppose. And why have we stopped? Have the gnomes lost their way?"

"She'll be here soon enough." FIRST MATE piped up.

"What, right here?"

"Yep."

"And you didn't think to tell us? We have to prepare!."

It was however too late. The ghostly form of a sleek, dark warship, gloomily glowered and gloamed and almost silently groaned into existence on their port side. It towered above the gnome's little boat. On their starboard side, however, a swish of tail and teeth and small round glasses.

"Well bugger. This isn't Egypt."

 

[BoldItalic]

Snappy, for it was indeed he, was balancing a conch shell on his nose as he said this. Also, you might not be at all surprised to hear that he was accompanied by a team of mermaids riding pink narwhals. "Coo-ee," called Xena.

"When I said marines," groaned Herewulf, "I didn't mean ..."

"Well, you know how it is with Wishes," replied Od, "You get what you ask for. Besides, the mermaids are equipped with waterproof crossbows and 3d6 bolts. What more do you want?"

Before Herewulf could answer, they were hailed by a stern voice from the Phase Rider. "Surrender your weapons!" it called rudely. "And be quick about it!" added the bow voice.

The gnome with SKIPPER on his hat glanced at the FIRST MATE and made a motion with his thumbs (which, if you recall, were bound together). "See that space on their deck, just forrard of the mizzen? Lodge us there, Mister Mate." So the mate turned to the BOSUN and gave his orders. "Prepare for Board and Lodging!" he shouted to the other gnomes. Then the boat, propelled by 14 mage hands, lifted clear out of the water, slid sideways and came to rest gently on the deck of the Phase Rider. If a boat could look smug, it was grinning from ear to ear.

"Od," said Nord quietly, "You know how, when we do Mage Hand it can only lift 10 pounds? How come just 14 of them can lift an entire boat?"

Od tried to look knowledgable because he didn't like to admit that there were things that even bards don't understand, and he made up a completely bogus answer. "It's the nautical version. They're using lugger rhythms. The first Hand does 10, then each extra Hand adds zero, so with fourteen you get 100000000000000 pounds, or about the weight of a small country."

There wasn't time to debate the point, however, because at that moment the captain of the Phase Rider came striding down the deck towards them. He didn't need to take many strides because he was a thirty-foot tall storm giant skeleton. Did I not mention that? Also, he was wearing one of those viking helmets with the up-turned cow horns and carrying a club the size of a small tree, which he brandished menacingly.

Jeli leapt from the deck of the boat and strode forward to meet him. "Neptune or Poseidon?" she demanded. As she spoke, thunder clouds roiled overhead and flashes of lightning flickered menacingly over the sea. She was doing Storm Druid. The giant skeleton was clearly nonplussed by the question and slightly unnerved by the impending storm. Something you don't want to be doing, in a thunderstorm, is wearing a helmet with up-turned cow horns and standing on a wet deck in an ocean of salt water. It's bad luck.

"I .." he began, but he got no further. "It's a trick question, isn't it?" he said hopefully.

Just then, FIRST MATE tapped BOSUN on the shoulder with his mage hand. "Are you sensing what I'm sensing? Somewhere deep below us in the abyss?"

The BOSUN nodded. "It's the Mother of All Krakens. Like in the legends. Do you think we should tell anybody?"

"Best not to worry them right now."

"As you say. Why do you think the skeleton crew are jumping overboard? Are they afraid of the storm?"

"I don't think skeletons understand Fear. More likely it's that song the mermaids are singing. Skeletons aren't immune to Beguile."

"Lucky we're Clay Gnomes, then, or we'd be over the rail and joining them. That paladin fellow is struggling against it, though. The way he keeps staring at one of those mermaids. It's unhealthy."

"Each to his own. Any port in a storm and all that. Speaking of storms, shouldn't we be seizing this ship, round about now?"

"Best wait for the Skipper to give the order."

"Fair enough."

Meanwhile, far below in the abyss, Penelope ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Meanwhile, far below in the abyss, Penelope ...

"Aaah, fair lady Penelope. It is time for your breath."

"Don't want to."

"But you must my lady. It has been a whole year."

"Every time I go topside, I scare people with my looks. I have barnacles! Heck I have barnacles on my barnacles. I look like a monster."

"Well technically y.....Uhm. We will get someone to clean those. Hey, do you remember when that handsome warrior skimmed al the way down your tentacles like a water slide?"

"Oh I do yes. What season was that, 3 or 4?"

"4 I think. Yes Awning Pothole. That was a good season. Was that 4?"

"I preferred the first. So Long and Thanks..........hmumf......All right........If I go up, do I become a recurring villain?"

"I don't think you were ever that."

"Then what was I. What was my role? Combat, Social or Exploration?" Enquired the ginormous Kraken.

".........................waterslide?"

 

[BoldItalic]

".........................waterslide?"

"Don't be silly."

"You could be a quest-giver? Mortals love being given quests to do. It makes them feel useful."

"How does that work?"

"You find a bunch of adventurers with no money, and you tell them 'Fetch me the biggest diamond in the world' and they go and get it for you and then you graciously accept the diamond and fob them off with a magic sword and a bag of gold and they go away feeling pleased with themselves."

"What's the catch?"

"They don't always come back."

"But then I don't have to pay them?"

"That's right. You can't lose."

"But where do I find a party of adventurers dumb enough to take all the risks and then hand over some fabulously valuable diamond in exchange for some worthless trinkets?"

"They are on a ship right above you."

"This better not be one of your tricks to get me to go up to the surface."

Meanwhile

"Well, which is it to be?" demanded Jeli. "Which god do you make your libations to every morning at sunrise, when you pray for fair weather and a calm sea? Poseidon or Neptune?"

"Er, well, actually, we don't believe ... that is, we don't ... er ... now you come to mention it ..."

The thunder crackled a little louder and the lightning flashed a little ... flashier ... as Jeli rolled for Intimidation with advantage and scored a natural 20 on both dice. The giant skeleton suddenly realised it was scuppered. Jeli had completely taken the wind out of its sails. It had been used to sailors who gave in easily but the tide had turned. It was out of his normal compass. But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was, a gigantic eye had just risen from the ocean and it was looking straight in its direction. Its morale failed. It threw down the club, cast aside its helmet, leapt over the side of his ship and began swimming away.

"Impressive," commented Skipper the gnome.

Just then, a voice spoke in everyone's head. It was Penelope, communicating telepathically. She said ...