The never ending story of ...

[rgoodbb]

She said ...

"Testing.....Testing.....Can anyone hear me?......One, two, one two, one, one, one-aahh, one-aahh......Is this thing even on?..........I don't think anyone can hear me. It has been a whole year. Maybe the feature has finally died out. Testing?..... Nope. What am I supposed to do now? We got rid of the carrier Harpies when we made the Olympus budget cuts. Maybe if I blink in Norse Code. No that won't work 'cause I only know Greek, dumbass! Ooh. What if I thrash my tentacles rapidly on the surface. That's sure to get people's attention."

And thus, the Legendary (and when I say Legendary, I mean epic, not Monster Manual pg 197....Although it's Actions would be Legendary in that sense too but not what I was originally going for when I said Legendary) Kraken: Penelope, arose from the dark waters. Erupting foam and crashing waves announcing her awesome presence. The Phase Rider almost capsized in recoil, righted herself and bobbed like a rubber duck in a bathtub compared to this, this, this.....

...this....."MONSTER!" Someone shouted. Penelope turned and saw the object of that cry. It was a huge Skeleton desperately swimming away from both her and the little boat in front of her. She sighed and slapped a barnacle encrusted tentacle on top of the thing, wondering fleetingly whether bones float.

Jeli, Snappy and the girls all started whoo whoo'ing as they surfed the newly created totally awesome waves, and the Phase Rider?, Well, she took on a massive quantity of water and began to slowly sink......

 

[BoldItalic]

and began to slowly sink......

The gnomes gnew what to gdo and they all bustled onto their own boat, which if you recall was lodged forrard of the mizzen mast. "Status, mister mate!" cried Skipper. "Sep minus 20 seconds and holding. All systems nominal," came the anachronistic reply. The mate had been watching the Apolla movie on gnomerama. The skipper caught the mood, sat in a swivel chair and commanded "All keyboards to manual, mister Zulu! All screens to visual!"

Nord tutted. Only a clay gnome would play star trek captains in a shipwreck. He threw Hereward a rope because the paladin, being in heavy armour, was not well equipped to float free if the ship foundered, which it seemed to be trying very hard to do.

And what of Od? He decided it was finally time to be heroic and was standing bolt upright on the prow of the ship, striking a noble pose and playing sea shanties on his flute. The notes floated across the foamy brine and reached the ears attention of Penelope, who stopped thrashing for a moment to listen. "Dum, dum, diddle-um dum," she hummed inwardly, forgetting that her telepathy was still set to 'transmit'.

DUM DUM DIDDLE-UM DUM​

The gnomes looked at each other in alarm. Someone had just uttered the gnomish words of power, as spoken by Goldrim Glittertoes when he shaped the world out of sacred clay and breathed life into the darkness. "So this is the end of the world?" asked the Bosun, "Funny I thought it would end with a rainbow."

The waves having subsided and the surfing being less exuberant, Jeli shape-shifted back from her porpoise form and climbed back aboard, which wasn't difficult because the deck of the Phase Rider was pretty much at water level anyway. She made her way to the boat to rejoin Nord and Herewulf. "Don't just stand there!" she commanded, "Break out the barrels of wine and pour them into the sea. And if you've got any roses and boxes of chocolates, throw those in too. Can't you see the kraken is a lady?"

But ...

 

[rgoodbb]

But....

in the distance a gnome spotted land

"Ahoy! Land Ahoy! Alive, alive ho. Rosemary and thyme. "

Penelope's norbynorwest tentacle gently and gingerly arose from the 'neath to stem the sinkage of the Phase Rider and the mage hands bucketed the water from within.

"What is this land that ahoy's us so?" Exclaimed Od.

"Why it is of course the land of Nod." Replied a gnome before hitting the deck snoring.

"Seriously. Are you joking? There can be no such land.

Thump.......Thud..... Bang.......

Jeli looked around her. All were three sheets to the wind. All were soundly asleep.

Penelope, inundated with gifts of chocolate and flowers, found herself to be in a good mood for the first time in as much as a year. She recognised the island;s defence Sleep spell but had more HP than a ninth level version could dish out. She too was curious. And so her and the tiny High Elf came to an accord. They would investigate the island together.

It was about this time that the Land of Nod initiated its second line of defence:

The Perimeter of.........

 

[BoldItalic]

It was about this time that the Land of Nod initiated its second line of defence: The Perimeter of......... Halibut.

The devilishly-cunning minds of the Mages of Nod had devised a cunning defence against creatures who passed though the outer defences still awake. It was a huge Zone of Polymorph that covered the sea around the shores of Nod, for a distance of half a league. Any creature entering it had to make a DC30 Wisdom save or be polymorphed into a flatfish, which would then fall asleep and lie dozing on the seabed. It took a prodigeous amount of arcane energy to set it up with dozens of mages working tirelessly for months but after many setbacks, they finally succeeded. The island was safe from invaders. Or so they thought.

But they didn't test it on krakens because the fish sellers in the market square didn't have any, although they did promise they would be getting some in next week. You see, in the small print for Kraken (MM197) the Freedom of Movement feature specifies that magical effects can't reduce its speed and a sleeping flatfish is slower than a kraken so it can't be polymorphed into one.

The duty mage in the lookout tower on Watching Head was suddenly aware of this shortcoming when Penelope hove into view and didn't turn into a flatfish. He twiddled the offical piece of copper wire and sent an urgent Message to his commander who reprimanded him for being drunk on duty because it is well known that krakens are mythical.

Jeli, however, had no such immunity. She turned into a flatfish and started sliding down Penelope's tentacle to go flop into the sea. But Penelope made a sudden Insight check and, realising what was happening, gave Jeli a moderately gentle slap, enought to reduce a flatfish to 0hp and end the polymorph effect. Jeli blinked and wondered why she was suddenly swimming around in a wet dress with a headache. "No time to explain!" telepathed Penelope, "Get out your bow and start shooting at that mage in the tower!"

It was a short but unequal combat. What exactly happened was ...

 

[rgoodbb]

It was a short but unequal combat. What exactly happened was ...

.....An arrow De-notched with velocity from an Elf with mythical accuracy (through one feat or another) travelling at speeds herewithall unheard of, and embedding it's thrice-pronged head onto/into/herewithin the klaxon-wire that of course enabled the Message cantrip to be sent to protagonists unknown.

This resulted in a social media blackout and the Island of Nod's communication towers all failed at once. The disaster-laden secondary consequences took effect: All the island's younglings lost their ability to commune with each other, and as such, the young began to both panic and revolt.

The revolt started slowly with mumblings in the universities and then cascaded through to colleges and schools. Then a singular Elf-like figure slowly emerged from the ocean escrying the benefits and the power of Penelope The Kraken. After rejecting other gods, Students one and all, seeing a new power rise, asked for Penelope to be their new entity/patron.

Within a dusk and a dawn, almost half of the population from the Land of Nod almost instantly became Warlocks, and the false?
religion of Penelopism was born.

They waited.

She wondered.

They waited a little more.

She nodded to herself. She had come to a decision. Here first decree would be.........

 

[BoldItalic]

Her first decree would be......... to declare gold anathema.

"Gold is unholy and ye must free thineselves of its baleful doom," announced Penelope, who was quite enjoying the situation and lapsing into archaisms she hadn't used for thousands of years. "Scour the Land of Nod for gold," she commanded, "and let none withhold it. Bring it verily down unto the harbour, where shall it be loaded even onto the Phase Rider and taken away for safe disposal far out at sea, in the deepest abyss from which there is no return. Only thus shalt thy land be free."

And so it was done. The warlocks raided the storehouses and treasuries and arrived at the harbour towing many, many, floating disks laden with gold coins, bars, ingots and jewellery. The gnomes kept a tally and saw to it that the gold was safely stowed away in empty wine casks below decks. At Nord's suggestion, they even replaced the ship's ballast with gold ingots. In all, at the end of a few days, they had collected about fifty tons of gold and the Phase Rider was settling commfortably in the water. Herewulf was kept busy all the while, blessing the vessel to rid it of the evil effects of all the gold it was carrying.

The Nodlanders solved the problem of the sudden absence of gold coinage by not really caring. The silver 'Nod', as normally used by merchants, was declared to be worth forty 'winks', the latter being a small copper coin equal to a labourer's daily wage. Everyone carried on as before except for misers, who had been keeping gold pieces in socks under their beds and even they were better off because they now had more pairs of socks that they could actually wear and they could stop worrying about being burgled by sock burglars.

It was time for Penelope to make another decision. Jeli phrased it nicely: "Where do you want us to take it to?" she asked.

Penelope had it all worked out. "There's an uninhabited island many days sail to the west with an abandoned temple to a forgotten god. Take it there and bury it in the secret crypt beneath the floorboards. But keep some for yourselves. As much as you like. Think of it as an advance on expenses. You're probably going to need it."

"Why, where are we going?"

"You are going on a quest, tiny adventurers. I want you to bring me the biggest diamond in the world."

This seemed like a worthwhile quest and that completed their fourfold aims: they had a ship, a crew, some marines and a sponsor. Life took on a clarity that it had lacked until now and they sailed away in good heart to find the uninhabited island to bury their hoard of gold.

After an uneventful fortnight, they arrived at the island and moored in a sheltered bay near the ruins of an ancient harbour. Now, when I say 'uninhabited', I mean there were no people living on the island. And when I say 'abandoned' I mean that people had stopped going there. But there was a reason for that, as the heroes were about to discover when they went ashore ...

 

[rgoodbb]

when they went ashore ...

"Jeli?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you today?" Enquired Od.

"Why?"

"Well, I feel something sneaky might be useful. I don't like Deserted Islands and Temples. Could you be a Rogue?"

"Too late. I already swapped out for today."

"Damn." Od took a look at his thieve's tools and sighed. He didn't like taking this role but it needed covering for an optimal party.

"Beach footie anyone?" Snappy confidently waded ashore.

"I keep forgetting you are with us." Replied Herewulf.

Xena, Amanda and Bigby all joined in a game of kickabout with the crocodile and the rest advanced a little further inshore for a snoop about. Passed the sanded front, a cluster of dry shrubbery and bushes beckoned, and beyond that, caves!

Herewulf - "Caves! Now we're talking."

Nord - "No now you are talking."

Herewulf - "Well.....By answering me, we are talking huh?"

Nord - "I guess I can't argue with that one but just to say; Shhh!"

Jeli - "Both of you hush."

Od - "Jeli. Be quiet."

Herewulf - "See now we are all talking."

Nord - "Oh for the love of..."

Od - "This cave seems to have an echo."

- "Echo."

Od - "Don't start!"

Herewulf - "I never said anything."

- "Thing."

Meanwhile back on the beach Snappy and Amanda were losing 3-0. With Bigby in goal no-one could get passed her. Xena ran forward and booted the ball which narrowly missed their goal. The ball sat in the sand......and then wobbled a little......There was a small rumble........and then it sank below the beach. As the players (football players not real players) gingerly sloped towards the site..................

 

[BoldItalic]

As the players (football players not real players) gingerly sloped towards the site..................

.... Herewulf, Od, Jeli and Nord were meanwhile preparing torches, ten-foot poles, lengths of rope, pitons, small hammers, waterskins and climbing boots ready to explore the beckoning cave. However, just then, a booming voice from somewhere above called out "I'd like you all to make an Isnight check, please ..ease .. ease ..."

"Is that a typo?" wondered Od, "Do you mean an Insight check?"

"No, I want you to check if it is night."

There was a flurry of dice rolling and tut-tutting and a few groans soto voce because nobody had rolled higher than a 7.

Accordingly, the sun had set while they were making their preparations and the long shadows of night had fallen over the cave mouth, making the flickering glare of their torches easily visible to anyone - or anything - watching from outside. If there was anything. Which, of course, there was. You don't just get open caves like that without there being something that sleeps in them do you? Stands to reason. Caves like that don't just get wasted. They get occupied. By things who tend to dislike intruders poking about in their caves. And when I say dislike I mean the roll-for-initiative kind of dislike. A family of green scaly quadrupeds bellowed a challenge and charged out of a nearby wood towards the cave mouth, maws agape to display rows of unpleasantly yellow pointy fangs dripping with drool.

Herewulf was the first to react. He dropped the ten-foot-pole-with-a-small-mirror-attached-to-one-end that he was holding, presented his Shield and walked boldly forward as if to greet them. "We come in peace," he declared in a deep baritone voice that resonated with the natural frequency of the cavemouth. "... eace ... eace ... eace ... " It didn't work. Nice try, shows style, but it didn't work. He was knocked down and trampled underfoot, taking 1d4 severe dents in his armour. If he hadn't been a gelatinous paladin, he would have been quite badly hurt but as it was, he was just a bit flattened temporarily.

Suddenly, a scream ripped through the air, rising in pitch higher and higher, beyond the limit of human hearing and high into the ultrasonic. The green scaly monsters skidded to a halt, rose on their hind legs and threw back their heads, looking around franatically for terrordactyls. They were afraid of terrordactyls, which were quite capable of swooping down unexpectedly and seizing a green scaly infant in their talons before its green scaly parents could do anything to prevent it. Though they didn't know it, Od had used a Minor Illusion cantrip to imitate the scream of a terrordactyl and had thus sown confusion in the green scaly ranks.

Nord eschewed heroism for gallantry. He grabbed Jeli, lifted her bodily off her feet and made a run for it, out of the cave and away from the scene. Jeli protested mightily at the indignity, then fell silent, then burst out laughing. "Put me down, you fool," she cried, "I can run away faster than you!"

"That's why I'm not letting you," was Nord's gruff reply. "If they get too close, I want to be able to throw you behind me as a distraction while I get away myself."

Jeli though about that. It made a horrible kind of sense. Nord was a pirate, after all. But at least she knew where she stood. There was a momentary lapse of reality and Nord found himself holding, not an elf, but a potted geranium and Jeli herself was somehow a fair way ahead of him in the direction he was running. "Wild Magic!" she shouted over her shoulder as she ran helter-skelter down towards the beach. Nord grumbled as he banged his shins on a rocky outcrop. Jeli could see in the dark.

Down on the beach, there was no sign of the footballers nor, indeed, of their football. The Phase Rider lay quietly moored in the bay and the gnomes' boat was where they had left it. All seemed peaceful enough. Except ....

 

[rgoodbb]

All seemed peaceful enough. Except ....

"I don't understand it."

"No but you do under-sand it, don't you?"

"Yes Snappy I heard what you did there. Very clever. We are under the sand. But I can't seem to find the correct terminology of this place. I know it I think, but it just isn't coming to the forefront of my mind."

"Exactly this could well be the entrance to the temple of .........uhm.......Oojamaflip, the Sand-....something."

"Wasn't she the sister of....of....."

"Thingamajig? Yes who married uhrm..."

"Thingamabob." Amanda completed the Powerful Triumvirate: The Pantheon of the Forgotten.

"Of course it wasn't always a triumvirate. There was the God Cast Down. Oh Whatshisface?" Snappy remarked.

"Yes that's him. So it was a quad? a quartet?"

"No. There was another...."

"Who?"

"All I know was there was another."

The footballers walked through the under-sandstone caves, glancing at statues and pictures and effigies and carvings. Forms, faces unknown or rubbed out littered rooms, antichambers and corridors. They encountered giant carved noses that sniffed them as they passed. There were spirits with no feet that floated but left bloody footprints in their wake. This was a mad world. A world of chaos and sorrow. Before them, lingering but always just out of reach and always in the corner of their eyes was a yellow cloud, mustard and lightly swirling. Walls grumbled as they shited behind the party, and they all felt as though they were in a dream.

It suddenly came to Xena in a flash of insight (not is-night). "We are in the tomb of Doodad the Discarded. The Severed Sibling. He was chaos-wracked after his brothers and sisters abandoned him. He is dangerous. We might be in trouble guys. Uhm, GUYS.........

 

[BoldItalic]

We might be in trouble guys. Uhm, GUYS.........

"We seem to have lost Jeli," said Amanda. "And the men," she added as an afterthought. She wasn't particularly worried until there was the slightest sensation of a sigh from behind them. It came from mustard-coloured cloud. Then she was worried. "I think we should leave," she added, shivering. You know that sensation people talk about of someone walking over your grave? Well, this was more like someone walking through your grave.

It quickly became apparent, however, that there was going to be a problem with leaving, in that there wasn't an obvious way out. There were forgotten passages and disused rooms and the occasional absent-minded doorway but nothing resembling anything so final as an exit. Ideally, they would like to find #17: a stairway up thirty feet, but this wasn't a random dungeon where you can find anything you want if you roll the dice for long enough. This was for real.

Snappy had an idea. "When I hatched as a tiny snappy along with my brothers and sisters, we all had to swim up through the sand that our eggs had been buried in. It was pretty gruelling, I can tell you, because we only had tiny feet and tiny snouts and the sand gets in your eyes. But we could all try swimming upwards, perhaps?"

Xena gazed up at the roof, which was solid stone. Which was just as well, really, or it would have fallen down by now. "Nice idea, Snappy," she said kindly, "but I don't think I can swim as well as you. Think hard, everyone, there has to be a clue somewhere."

The mustard cloud wavered and somehow absorbed itself into a nearby wall, which changed grittily to display a bas-relief carving of a vaguely human figure. "You have to say the magic words," the figure murmured sadly. According to an inscription that appeared underneath, this was the figure of Doodad the something-or-other. He looked woebegone. Indeed, his woe had completely begone and not become back. "No-one ever remembers the magic words," he sighed.

Bigby had a sudden inspiration. She took a small book from her handbag and consulted it, running an elegant fingernail down the columns of fine print. "Donebad, Dongfred, Dontcare ..., ah, here we are, Doodad. Well, well, well."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" she shouted.

At that, Doodad's visage lit up and he was wreathed in smiles. "You remembered!" he exclaimed. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. Floors were covered in luxurious carpets, the roof was festooned with garlands and the walls were hung with brightly-coloured tapestries depicting jolly scenes of festivity. Doodad stepped out of his wall and gave Bigby a hug. "Thank you!" he sobbed, tears rolling down his cheeks. "It's party time! And you even brought your own game of Spin The Crocodile!"

Snappy was a little concerned at this last remark ...