The never ending story of ...

[BoldItalic]

"Come out, come out, wherever you are........ "

The force of Bigby's exorcism (for such it was) was so great that not only was the ghost of Sir Noxious expelled from Jeli, but the thing that had been possessing him and had caused him to go astray in his lifetime, was forced out in its turn. Scientists who study the occult call this dispendium sequentem but they just make things up to sound learned. Let's just say it's weird and leave it at that.

Now what, I hear you ask was this thing? What was it's nature and intent? And what was it doing in hell, inside the ghost of a fallen paladin? I'll give you a clue. You remember when Gandalf The Grey fell in Moria fighting a balrog? And the last thing he called out was "Fly, you fools, fly!" before he was dragged down into the abyss? Well, it was the same balrog.

WHAT ???

You put a level two party in hell, which is inhabited by devils, and you put them up against a CR19 demon that pops up out of nowhere and shouldn't be in that plane at all and you call this fun? what kind of DM are you?

Er, well, er ... maybe ...

"Sorry," said the balrog, "My mistake. Wrong thread. Don't know how this happened. Talk about Chaos. I'll just be going." and he vanished in a puff of red smoke leaving behind nothing but a sulphurous smell.

Is that better?

I should think so, too. Now about the sarcophagus full of treasure. It had better be good ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Now about the sarcophagus full of treasure. It had better be good ...

The sarcophagus itself was made of polished alabaster with gold inset drawings of symbols of snakes and pyramids and bird headed people and jackals and boats and other symbols of power. It was displayed so it's head was pointed towards the portal.

"I think I know where that portal is going."

"Me too." Replied an enthused Snappy, football lodged gingerly between his considerable teeth. "I'm finally going home."

"Do we open it up or push it through or open it up and push it through or push it through and then open it up?" Questioned Herewulf.

"You may be overthinking it Sergeant." Replied Jeli. She turned towards Bigby, who's nose, eyes and ears were all bleeding. "Od. Don't just stand there, Heal her."

"What? Oh yes. OK. uhm Healing Word!"

"Herewulf. What are you doing? Get up. You look silly."

"I'm Laying on my Hands. It's never worked before but I'll keep on trying."

"How have we ever managed to survive so long here?"

The Healing Word did not take. Bigby was in a bad way. Together they prized the sarcophagus open. It was half full of desert sand.

"Bigby. Get in the sand."

"No. I'm not going in there"

"Do it now."

"No!"

"Bigby Sand!"

"?" Od.

"??" Nord.

"???" Herewulf

Bigby got in the sand and..........

 

[BoldItalic]

Bigby got in the sand and.......... the others heaved the stone lid over the sarcophagus, muffling her protests.

There was a sort of gritty swooshthudbump sound and Bigby's protests became somewhat louder.

Od looked at Nord, Nord looked at Jeli and Jeli looked at Herewulf. Then they heaved the lid off again to see what had happened.

Bigby was still there, but the sand had gone.

"Maybe we should read the instructions?" suggested Od perceptively.

"There's this book," offered Bigby. "It was under the sand. I banged my head on it, thank you very much."

"Let me see," said Od, "Ah, yes, this is just what we need. See? It has the magic runes R·T·F·M on the cover. Can anyone read Sarcophagic?"

There was a rolling of dice and a shuffling of character sheets and it turned out no-one had taken Sarcophagic and no-one had any reading spells.

"We could go back to the abbey and ask the scribes," suggested Nord. "One of them is bound to have an instruction book on how to read instruction books."

That seemed to be the best idea so they all set off. On the way back to the abbey, ...

 

[rgoodbb]

On the way back to the abbey, ...

"Jeli."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

"Hmm?"

"For calling you incompetent and all that. I'm sorry."

"Oh it's OK, I am more seasoned now and have a better grasp of my capabilities."

"Which...........are..........?"

"Be careful Od. You only just got in my good book."

"No, no. I'm only asking because when we see your combat prowess, we can J/gell it together better and become more formidable as a team. What can you do?"

"I'm....not really a Bladelock."

"Oh. Are you going to tell me what you really are?"

".....No." And she walked off.

"I know what she is. Snappy knows." Hissed Snappy trundling up behind Od.

"Why are you following us around? I thought you wanted to get through the portal."

"You never opened it. So I'll just have to hang around with you until you do."

"So what is she then?"

"I'll tell you on one condition."

"What?"

"Get everyone together and we play a good old game of footie. I was thinking girls vs boys. Do you agree?"

............Sometime later.............

GIRLS 8, BOYS 1
​

"Wull tha' was freekin' embarrassin'." Wheezed Nord.

"So? What is she?"

"Well, Jeli is...............

 

[BoldItalic]

"Well, Jeli is............... a Gestalt. As an action, she can switch to any other class at the same level but she doesn't gain the benefits of any particular archetype in the target class and she must finish a long rest before she can switch again. Right now, she is a Cleric-2 but of no particular domain. She can do 1st-level Cleric spells and Turn Undead but that's about it. Tomorrow, who knows?"

"Is that legal?"

"Homebrew. It's the Racial Trait of Middle Elves."

"She's a Middle Elf? That explains a lot."

"You're welcome," said the crocodile.

Meanwhile the abbey was drawing closer, which was strange because the party were just sitting around having a short rest after the football match. But it just goes to show. By chance, the abbot saw them through his office window and gave instructions for the great gates of the abbey to be slammed shut.

"They've slammed the gates!" complained Od. "That's not very welcoming!"

"We can just walk round them, there isn't an actual wall," pointed out Jeli.

"No we can't. There's a sign that says KEEP OFF THE GRASS. We've got to stay on the road."

"So what's the sign doing on the grass? First thing we have to do, is keep the sign off the grass like it asks us to. We just need to pick it up and throw it away, but without actually stepping on the grass."

"Lucky I can fly," said Nord.

"Well done, that man."

The abbot knew when he was beaten and sent an underling down to the vaults to look for the only surviving copy of Sarcophagic For Dummies.

It turned out that the instructions for using the sarcophagus as a portal went something like this ...

 

[rgoodbb]

It turned out that the instructions for using the sarcophagus as a portal went something like this ...

Instructions for Using a Sarcophagus as a Portal

1 Never open the sarcophagus without the correct key.
2 If you do open the sarcophagus without using the correct key, do not lose the Transportation Sand.
3 Close the sarcophagus.
4 Never get into the sarcophagus. It is not a toy. This could be really bad.
5 If you have got into the sarcophagus, get out of it immediately.
6 If there is movement within it, that you yourself have not placed there, NEVER open the sarcophagus.
7 If after instruction 6 you do open the sarcophagus, Run.



Follow on Instructions

1 How to find the correct key.
2 How to use said key.
3 how to complete the transportation ritual with the correct key.
4 Risky, almost certain death after long pain and torture alternatives, if you do not possess such a key.

 

[BoldItalic]

"Ah," said Herewulf, "We got it wrong, then."

"Famous last words."

"Lucky we found the book, otherwise we wouldn't have known."

"So what now? Can we find another portal, or are we stuck here in the afterlife unable to get back to the beforelife?"

"I must say, I'm a trifle disappointed in you people," said Snappy, idly flipping his football with the end of his tail and catching it on the tip of his snout, "You could at least undertake The Quest of The Key. Just to show willing, as it were."

"How do we do that?"

"Go down the road for three miles and look for a signpost to the Cave of Danger. The key is in the cave."

"Do we need some more transportation sand, to refill the sarcophagus with?"

"How would I know? I'm a crocodile."

The walk to the signpost was uneventful and gave the party time to admire the scenery, which was painted in oil on canvas and showed shepherds desporting with nymphs between ivy-covered ruined columns. Written on the base of one of the columns was the inscription "Et in Arcadia Ego", just in case you felt it ought to be there. Being a bard, Od felt obliged to sound knowledgeable and explained that the painting was by a famous oriental artist called Pu San, but no-one was impressed because the title along the botton of the picture was Les bergers d'Arcadie and that's not oriental at all, unless you are an awfully long way west of France.

The signpost was waiting impatiently for them when they got there. "You took your time," said the signpost, "I haven't got all eternity, you know."

Feeling a little foolish at talking to a signpost, Herewulf asked the way to the Cave of Danger. "You don't want to go there," countered the signpost, "Why not go to the Crossroads of Forgetfullness? It's a lot safer."

"No, I think it has to be the Cave."

"Oh, suit yourselves. It's over there. But mind the shadow orcs, they haven't had their morning coffee yet and they're a bit grumpy."

"Thanks. Can we do anything for you?"

"If you come across the magical Coat of White Paint, I'd appreciate it."

"We'll look out for it."

The encounter with d8 shadow orcs was Hard and Jeli used up all her healing spells but the party triumphed in the end when Herewulf surrendered and they were imprisoned in the infamous Gaol of Shadows from which they escaped by walking through the walls.

Soon, the cave mouth yawned before them. A red-painted board with the word DANGER on it confirmed that his was indeed the right cave. "We seek the KEY that lies within," announced Jeli in sonorous tones. Od looked at her in a new light; he didn't know she did sonorous. Perhaps it was a cantrip he didn't know about, he thought. She was full of surprises.

Herewulf cast Light on his rapier and led the way into the cave. A short distance in, there was a tripwire across the passage from which hung a sign saying "Do Not Step Over This Tripwire". This had them all baffled for quite a long time. Was it a trick? Or was it a genuine warning? A double bluff? What would happen if they did?

Nord solved the problem in a direct fashion by kicking down the sign, whereupon he was knocked prone by a sandbag falling from a concealed hatch in the ceiling and took 1d4 damage. "Not fair, I should get a Dex save," he objected, rubbing a fresh lump on his scalp. "It was a Wisdom-based trap," explained Herewulf.

They moved cautiously on, alert for more tricks, until they came to a door. It had an ornate brass doorknob that was obviously intended to be grasped firmly, twisted, and pulled to open the door. "I'm not touching that," announced Nord, "That's the Rogue's job."

"We haven't got a Rogue."

"Well, it's time we did."

"Can I be of service?" asked a suave voice as a hooded figure stepped stealthily out of his own private shadow. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Baron Johannes von Uberwald und Missenberg-Bierstein."

"No you aren't," countered Jeli. "I know you, you're Knobbles Scratchit. When did you get out of prison?"

"Last week."

"Well, you can make yourself useful and open that door."

"I want 30 percent."

"You'll get a bunch of fives if you don't do as you're told."

"Oh alright, stand back everyone."

The door opened quietly and beyond a strange sight greeted them ...

 

[rgoodbb]

The door opened quietly and beyond a strange sight greeted them ...

An ochre yellow mist clung closely to the sapia and crimson gnarled figure before them. Wisps of orange staining it's clothing. It had three antlers, the front-most splitting into two silverstrands of light. The outer antlers transparent. The figure stood in what looked like a sky-blue rubber pool of custard. It's elongated arm (which split in two at one point, before reforming at the end) rose devilishly slowly and at an impossible angle and with a quiver. At the end of its arm, three ovoid fingers sprouted out into green rose-petals each tipped with a white ball bearing. The figure swished and swayed from side to side before standing on one leg and bending its standing knee. Purple bubbles could be seen frothing at its ears.

"That's a strange sight to greet us." Claimed Knobbles.

"Yup." Answered Amander as she led the group passed it.

Two molten passages on, and a U-Turn at Arcadia, and the group were in front of yet another sign, this one on a large door with a rounded top: GRAVE DANGER, this one claimed. Before Knobbles could stop her, Amanda knocked on the door.

It opened immediately, which was most unexpected: Door etiquette demanded a three second pause followed by several footsteps and then an opening. There was a manual for this sort of thing and everything.

"Morning. I'm Dave." Said Dave. Not surprisingly.

"Oh well the sign says Gra..."

"I know, I know I'm Dave Granger, the Ranger, not Grave Danger the Stranger. Fwoor you don't want to meet her on a dark night in hell, Ill tell ya. She's....Well you can guess."

"The mix up must be really annoying, no?"

"Well, we get each others post, and well, she gets a lot of kill contracts ya know? Anyway what do you want?"

"Uhm....Ah yes....Well....You see....It's like this......I....really can't remember. I have lost the thread of this thread. I need a reminder from the DM to help guide me back on the path of sanity.

"The KEY." Boomed a voice from above

"We are after the Key!" Xena boomed trying desperately to emulate the rumble in her Da....the DM's voice. Some day, I'll make a great DM too. She thought to herself, and as she did, a plan slowly formulated in her mind.....

 

[BoldItalic]

a plan slowly formulated in her mind.....

Now she was 18, she could do anything. She would hire assassins to eliminate the daughter of someone rich and powerful so that she could dress up as her and take her place. Of course, it needed to be someone rich and powerful and too busy or too stupid to notice that his daughter suddenly looked entirely different but that shouldn't be difficult. Then she would buy a baseball cap and order Wizards of the Coats to give her the head DM's job. It was all going to be so easy. Now she was 18.

"Is your wolf rider okay?" asked Dave, "She looks a bit pre-occupied."

Everyone turned to stare at Xena who was gazing into the distance and clenching her fists, much to the discomfort of her wolf who was beginning to consider the attraction of an imminent career change.

"Dave," said the wolf, "Do you have a vacancy for a companion?"

"Sure," replied the Stranger Ranger, "Welcome aboard."

"Wolf, you're fired!" shouted Ivanka Xena.

"Can we get back to the hunt for the KEY ?" pleaded Od. "Only we aren't making much progress, are we?"

"Have you got your flute?" asked Dave, "Can you play a dimished seventh in E flat minor?"

"Of course. But why?"

"That's the key you want to operate the portal.

Now everyone stopped staring at Xena the former wolf-rider and started staring at Od instead. Od shrugged. "There's still the sand. We need sand," he mumbled.

"As it happens, ..."

 

[rgoodbb]

"As it happens, .............I have no sand. But I know where the Shore of Scales is. Is that any good? It looks like sand. Kinda. If you squint. And turn your head a little. And don't focus on it. Too much. Sort of. Oh and forget that it's green."

"It's OK Bigby, We'll find some from somewhere. Hey did we bring the sarcophagus with us? I can't remember, it was a few posts ago now."

"Well I think we can of brought it if we want to have. Stated Nord, half confusing himself.

"That weirdly actually makes sense to me. So if we can of brought it here, then here it would probably is." Deduced Jeli flicking off some dirt from the now sarcophagus on wheels. "Bigby?"

"Hmm?"

"What exactly happened to the sand when you were inside there?"

"Don't want to talk about it." She seemed to mumble.

"If might help...."

".....I....swallowed it."

"You ate all that sand?"

"...." Shrug

"But that's good. We still have it, and we have the musical key. We can return to the acropolis and go through the portal and go home. We have boulders to fight and taverns to get drunk in and goblins to harass and oh I'm so happy."

A little later..........

"....Sooo.......What did we need the sand for exactly?" Asked Od standing in front of the now opened portal. They had pushed the sarcophagus (on wheels) though and the portal was beckoning them.

"Nothing I guess. Let's go through."

"WAIT!"

"What?"

"We need to dance through remember?"

"I don't have a great performance score."

"The prophecy didn't say about the quality of the dancing."

"Unless the quality is so bad that it fails to register as dance."

"Well go through in the middle of us then. We will start and end with good dancers. Who are the best."


--- After DANCE OFF: HELL 57 ---

The strongest pair that would be the last ones to dance through were Od and Bigby.

Nord, Herewulf, Jeli, Xena, Amanda, Snappy, Dave, Knuckles, Wolf, Moo-Moo the wounded unicorn, et.al. took a dance through and disappeared. There was a splutter of energy and Bigby and Od performed the fandango. When they trotted through.......