The stupidest movie ever!
- Thread starter Mystery Man
- Start date
Viking Bastard
Adventurer
I liked Howard the Duck, too. And it is a crappy movie. But I don't think Dark CityKnowTheToe said:
is a bad movie at all. I don't see it as a guilty pleasure or such.
Dark City was just... brilliant.
But different strokes and all that, I guess.
But you know, sometimes you just find it hard to believe that someone doesn't like
something. Like when you tell girls you don't really care for chocolate. I love that
movie.
But ignore my ranting an' all.
drnuncheon
Explorer
Klaus said:Please do!
Not even the babeliciousness of Rhona Mitra could save this one...
As you wish...
<tt>BEOWULF (originally posted to rec.ards.tv.mst3k.misc, IIRC)
Just finished watching this direct-to-video release (well, OK, it was released theatrically in Europe, which says nothing for their taste) and as it is of that "entertainingly bad" level of quality that spawns so many great MST episodes, I thought I'd recommend it here with a short summary. So, read on, but spoilers abound!
As the movie opens, a fortress with a giant mechanical flaming claw on top of it (a sure sign of a quality movie) is under seige. Inside the fortress, a group of armored warriors lead by Hrothgar are hunting a monster. Cleverly, Hrothgar has donned a helmet with no eyeslits before going after the beast. This prevents him from seeing that his daughter's breasts are prepared to spring free from her leather bodice. However, it does not work well against the monster, who kills a few of Hrothgar's friends.
After watching this, a girl (not the daughter, a different girl) decides to run for it. She is caught by the beseiging army, who prepare to execute her with a giant straight-razor. Enter Christopher Lambert. Lambert stars as Conor MacLeod - although he's changed his name to Beowulf, after borrowing Keanu Reeves' wardrobe from THE MATRIX and Wesley Snipes' arsenal from BLADE. He beats up on the beseigers and rescues the girl, but she runs away
and dies anyway.
Well, he enters the castle, finds out that it's being terrorized by a guy in a rubber suit and a small CGI budget, and offers to help. First he has to prove himself by defeating the castle's current badass (who is obviously not as badass as Grendel, otherwise the movie would be over already).
Then Hrothgar gets seduced by a Samantha Fox impersonator who is way too attached to her hair crimper. Oh, and Grendel kills some people.
To protect the women and children, they herd them all into a small enclosed space where nobody can get in except for Grendel. This minor flaw in their plans is quickly discovered, and Beowulf confronts the monster in a scene with choreography reminiscent of the classic martial arts film GYMKHATA. Not surprisingly, he gets clawed to ribbons.
</tt><tt>But it's OK, because he gets better, and decides that since fighting the monster with his entire arsenal and a bunch of people helping didn't work, he should confront the beast alone and unarmed except for a spring-loaded dagger made by the inept assistant weaponsmaster (played by some sort of substitute Wayans brother). So he climbs down into the cellars of the Paris Opera House and stands in the middle of the room and waits.
Well, that doesn't work too well, because the monster runs up and whacks him. Undaunted, he tries it again, and it works about as well the second time. Eventually he gets the idea of fighting back, and he uses the dagger to rip Grendel's arm off. He then lets the creature go, because the movie's still got about half an hour before its over.
Anyway, everybody's happy, he sleeps with the girl, and the former resident
badass is seduced by the Samantha Fox lookalike (remember her?). Beowulf gets nervous, because there's an "older and more subtle evil" around, and it's making his spider-sense tingle. When he and the girl get to the main hall, we discover that "subtle" means killing people by making them bleed from their ears and mouths, rather than ripping them in half - a very important distinction.
Anyway, Grendel is still alive and kills Hrothgar, and Beowulf kills Grendel. Then the Samantha Fox lookalike shows up and tries to seduce Beowulf, but homie don't play dat, and so she turns into the Borg Queen crossed with a spider and a bat courtesy of the rest of the film's CGI budget. There's some more acrobatic fighting, Beowulf discovers that she has propane for blood, and uses a lamp to blow her up.
In classic B-movie tradition, the castle inexplicably begins to fall apart, and he and the girl escape to go wander around the world fighting evil.
The movie is set to a hideously inappropriate techno soundtrack - my wife is of the opinion that it was trying to be Mortal Kombat, but Lambert was clearly playing MacLeod and not Raiden, so I'm not too sure. Anyway, give it a watch if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.</tt>
Viking Bastard
Adventurer
Lambert's Beowulf was horrible. I have never seen a positive review of it.
Desdichado
Hero
I'm not sure that a review who's primary conclusion is essentially, that the movie would be great MST3K fodder could really be called positive...Viking Bastard said:
Fast Learner
First Post
Definitely baffled by some of y'all's taste. Dark City is brilliant, Scream was clever though not good, Mad Max has plenty of charm, The Core was quite enjoyable, Lost in Space was sci-fi candy fun, Spawn was watchable, The Transporter was fun enough, Zardoz was freakin' awesome (though I'll admit that it was the first movie in which I'd seen naked breasts, at age 9, so that probably helped), Transylvania 6-5000 was a hoot (though again, Geena Davis' costume certainly helped), that version of The Scarlet Letter was fine, Awakenings was amazing, Tank Girl absolutely rocked, and Howard the Duck was... well, not too bad.
However, Dude, Where's My Car was really, really awful. Highlander 2 was worse, but only by a hair.
The only movie, however, that I actually wanted to walk out of was Blue Steel, with Jamie Lee Curtis. The most predictable, awful piece of garbage I've watched in a theater.
However, Dude, Where's My Car was really, really awful. Highlander 2 was worse, but only by a hair.
The only movie, however, that I actually wanted to walk out of was Blue Steel, with Jamie Lee Curtis. The most predictable, awful piece of garbage I've watched in a theater.
JimAde
First Post
I know everyone will point and laugh, but I actually liked Willow. I like the fact that the hero is singularly un-heroic, and his greatest talent is that he's a good dad and a decent person.
The Core was, I suppose, a fine b-grade action movie, but I couldn't get past the bad (Bad BAD BAD!!) science.
The Core was, I suppose, a fine b-grade action movie, but I couldn't get past the bad (Bad BAD BAD!!) science.
Desdichado
Hero
Why would they do that? Until the LotR releases, it was certainly a contender for best fantasy movie made to date. Not that that's saying a whole lot, but still...JimAde said:
I like it for a long time too; until I just rewatched it recently, as a matter of fact, where it seemed worse than I remembered.
Actually, the science wasn't really that bad. I remember Jon Rodgers (sic?) posting here shortly after its release explaining some of the scientific "interpretations" they had made. True, a few items were completely jumps into fantasy, but others were based on pretty good speculation and interpolation of what we do understand. A big problem, though, is that movies simply don't have the opportunity to jump in and explain it to the satisfaction of geeks like us who like that kinda thing, like, say, a Michael Crichton novel might attempt to do.JimAde said:
